(WARNING TMI) Have you felt like this?
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While I can't empathize as a fellow woman (I'm a guy), I completely get it about changning your self image, and as someone pretty early said, it comes from within. Yes getting compliments are nice, but ultimately, you need to see yourself as worth it. I've lost a far amount of weight since starting my sourney, but it's still hard to see myself as thin (or even not fat). And yes, people have told me how impressed they are with my work, but it's still hard.
As far as porn goes, I've seen a decent bit of pron and I gravitate towards the more normal looking women. Not all porn stars have huge boobs and such.0 -
Get some counseling to help you overcome this.
We don't want to be reading about you in the 'Can This Marriage Be Saved' column.0 -
In my experience, there's a very narrow window between belly jiggling and "I preferred it when your boobs were bigger." :ohwell:0
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I have learned that when I question my husbands attraction to me I insult him. He HATES it when I say negative things about myself. Sexy is an attitude. You see big and small girls that have it and you see their counterparts that don't. Small does not equal sexy. Confidence does equal sexy. If you are confident in the bedroom he will love every curve! (It sounds like you need to learn to love your body... most women don't know how to do this anymore.)
I 100% agree with this!0 -
I'm in the same boat. I'm told my husband that I feel like he must be so turned off by having sex with and that it must be like fear factor to actually do it with me. I can't help but think things like,"he's closing his eyes because he doesn't want to see your body" "he get off faster doing you from behind because he can't see how fat your stomach is." "He prefers to be on top because you are too heavy." He has argued that thought thoughts hold no truth, but I still can't help but think it. I always leave my shirt on, from time to time he will take it off during sex, but then all I can concentrate on is trying my best to suck in, which really does nothing, because my stomach is just too big to suck in, I can't think about anything else other than how bad I look.
After losing 10lbs I actually was feeling confident and decided to take my shirt off and it was pretty good, but then afterwards I looked in the mirror and came to the conclusion that I am in fact noticeably smaller but it's still not enough to change the fact that sex with me is like fear factor. My only hope is that with each ten pounds I lose, I feel a little but better. Because he can reassure me that it's not that bad until hell freezes over, I'll still think he's just being nice.0 -
I didn't read the other responses, but I totally understand where you are coming from. All I know is that you don't have to be at GOAL weight to feel better in that sense. Start small and you will be amazed in the progress you have made in a shorter period of time than you realize. If I knew that I would feel THIS much better about myself at this point, I would have started a long time ago! Ten pounds here and there. You can do it.
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I have learned that when I question my husbands attraction to me I insult him. He HATES it when I say negative things about myself. Sexy is an attitude. You see big and small girls that have it and you see their counterparts that don't. Small does not equal sexy. Confidence does equal sexy. If you are confident in the bedroom he will love every curve! (It sounds like you need to learn to love your body... most women don't know how to do this anymore.)
^^^ This.0 -
I have learned that when I question my husbands attraction to me I insult him. He HATES it when I say negative things about myself. Sexy is an attitude. You see big and small girls that have it and you see their counterparts that don't. Small does not equal sexy. Confidence does equal sexy. If you are confident in the bedroom he will love every curve! (It sounds like you need to learn to love your body... most women don't know how to do this anymore.)
^^^^This0 -
As the Jocelyn Elders said...Ladies just need to be having regular self love sessions.0
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I read this once in a magazine and it helped me: Women think men are noticing all those ugly things when we are naked but in reality men focus more on good parts of our bodies when we are naked, like boobs etc. I think this is pretty true, b/c my husband is not perfect looking but I tend to see what I like most about his body when we are intimate. Im not saying he doesnt see my fat, of course he does but I like to think hes not focusing on that, hes looking at the boobs, etc. Anyway it helps ME to think thats what hes focusing on. lol0
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lol smart man0 -
Ive felt like that over and over again. I cant be with someone in the day time or when theres any light in the room because Im so self conscious. I dont have any words to make you feel better because I dont have any to make myself feel better, but I do hear men dont think about that as much as we do and no size of a womans belly is going to stop them.0
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A lot of people have commented on the confidence issue, so I won't rehash that too much.... But it obviously is something you need to work on - losing weight only does so much. Despite being pretty close to my ideal size, I still have far too many days where I look in the mirror and just HATE what I see. It's a mental issue, not a physical one... Learning to love yourself is a process, but it's important to go through it and work on it every single day.
Where the BF and I really ran into issues with sex was his behavior and my reception of it. He likes boobs. A lot. Kind of to a freakish degree. That's what he would reach for during sex - he'd completely neglect my stomach, my *kitten*, my legs, etc., so I convinced myself he was ignoring those parts because they were undesirable. Thinking like that got me an eating disorder but no additional attention. When we finally had an open, honest discussion about it, he basically said "I like all of you. I just really like your boobs. There's nothing wrong with the rest of you." After that, he started giving more parts of me attention, and I started feeling a lot more confident and sexy. Point being, there are things your partner is currently doing that make you feel unattractive. There are things your partner can do that will make you feel more attractive. Have a talk with him and figure out how to work together to make your sex life better - what touches, outfits, positions, and so on will make you feel good about yourself. You have to communicate, and the more positive the communication the better - this talk shouldn't be a chance for you to beat up on yourself!
Now go have some fun
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I think that's a common problem for women, especially when we see what the porno women look like.
Oh bull, porno guys have gigantic schlongs. Men usually don't sit and cry at their weiner size, and are afraid to have sex with a willing woman. If he did, I'd say his head is messed up and go to therapy now.
So don't blame porn. (We watch porn together. It's fun!)
OP, you have some serious body-image issues that you should work to overcome, probably with some CBT. They run deeper than just your weight. You can call your husband a jerk all you want, but it won't fix anything. There is a strong chance that your mental state is interpreting everything he does as extremely negative.
I assure you plenty of fat, jiggly, people have awesome sex (and if you watched enough good porn you'd know that). Surely, he doesn't see you the way you see yourself. If left untreated, it can mess with your marriage. Do something before it gets worse.
Did you miss the part where I said men and women are different?
And yes, some men actually do have serious insecurity issues with their junk. And that's super sad too. Anyone can be insecure and sometimes seeing a idealized person can feed into that.
Have some compassion man.
Men and Women have complete different views on this subject. Point blank!!!!!0 -
Boy have I ever felt like this!!! Last summer I lost 50lbs and was 10lbs away from my goal..Im now back to square one because of some of the things your describing. My husband said he was proud of me etc. But he told me one night that he thought I was pretty but that he just wasnt atrraqcted to me sexually. It broke me and I immediatly gave up and gained it all back...that was a short version of everything that was involved but it gives you an idea. He has made a huge deal about my weight many times during my weight gain, and Ive tried to start losing again but I'm dealing with feelings of resentment, knowing that I worked my bottom off (literally you might say hahaha) for soooo long just for him to say something like that..I know that as soon as I look smoking hot or at least Im at my goal I will be so bitter to him that I wont even want him to touch me, and I dont want that so I just stop trying again and hope we can survive with me being fat. However he has been making comments almost everyday now for the last few weeks..things that re supposed to be "jokes", smacking my butt and saying things like "theres just so much #ss to slap..or when I chnage my shirt he will grab my belly rolls like your husband does...he's a bodybuilder and personal trainer so how I look is pretty important to him. Just in the last few days we were being intimate and I lost confidence halfway through, thinking about my tummy slapping his and such, and it just ruined the whole experience. Him making the commments and jokes has made me just not even want to have intimacy with him anymore because I dont want him to look at me. Ive always been the one with a more active drive than him, and it usually feels like I'm the man begging for it and hes the woman with a headache, and Im tired of trying. I love my husband dearly but the way things are going right now, it wont be long before I dont even want to be around him anymore
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It definitely sounds like you have a lot of good advice and things to think about on this board. Allow me to add one more (if I'm repeating something someone already said, I apologize. I only read a page or two of the comments.).
I got married back in September 2012 and being the classic emotional eater that I am, I did not lose weight before the wedding. I added it on (not much, but it wasn't attractive to me). When my husband and I first started dating, I weighed 179. The lowest I got in my whole adult life. When we got married 2.5 years later, I weighed 205. Now, I carry my weight well, but when you're naked, it's a whole different ball game. And my husband wanted what all men want on a honeymoon... lots of booty! Now don't get me wrong, we have a healthy sex life, but sex is different than just being naked around him. I could do sex. But ask me to get out from under the covers in daylight... not happening! Well, 1.5 months ago I started this journey full time with MFP. I'm not even close to my goal yet, but it is amazing what a few lost pounds can do. I no longer feel insecure being naked around my husband. And I don't just mean in the morning before I eat breakfast when I'm at my lightest. I mean naked after a cheat meal kind of naked.
What I'm getting at is that it may not take you to get down to your goal weight in order for you to feel comfortable having sex or being naked around your guy. (I know skinny girls who feel uncomfortable naked, fyi.) For me, it took a couple pounds to come off and I felt great naked around my husband. Do I still have a belly that jiggles (ALOT)? Yes. Do my thighs still touch in a non-sexy way? Yes. Do I still have cellulite on my butt? Yes. But I don't care. I know how he feels about me, I know how proud he is of me and I know how proud I am of myself. Don't think in terms of future weight goals (skinny, tone, strong), think of present weight accomplishments. 1.5 months ago I was 12 lbs heavier and never naked around my husband in daylight. It took just a few pounds for all that to change!
If you don't like it, change it. But just remember, your guy has the same opportunity and he hasn't changed anything. So there is obviously something addicting and sexy about you! 0 -
I've got rather the reverse. My hubby, who loves me dearly ( and I him) does not desire me at any size and while he is supportive and encouraging, tells me I'm looking good ( I showed up in his home office doorway in a rocking LBD and his jaw dropped... he actually said "Wow!") there has been no sexual activity for years now and most likely will never be again. Diabetes is a cruel, cruel disease. For me as well as for him. There is nothing wrong with ME and this situation is heartbreaking.
this is my biggest fear what happens when the sex is gone?
I can tell you. The love, the companionship, the cuddling, the smooching, is still there. But there's no penetration. The orgasm thing I can do for myself, and I don't want to go outside the marriage looking for "action", but it hurts all the same. It must be hell for his self esteem. He knows it's hard on me ( I always had much more of a sex drive then him) and I have to be very careful not to make him feel bad.0 -
Check this out toots...you get out there and you watch what you eat and exercise your booty off.
If he's still gettin it with you, the man likes it. I know very few men who will put out for the sake of "taking one for the team." Pshh...right.
Once you start losing the weight, your endurance is going to skyrocket, then see if he can keep up.
My husband can't keep up anymore.
Change your attitude. Really. It's not attractive, and we are our own worst critics anyway. If you think you are less, you will be so.
If you think, this is going to change effective...NOW...it will change.0 -
I have learned that when I question my husbands attraction to me I insult him. He HATES it when I say negative things about myself. Sexy is an attitude. You see big and small girls that have it and you see their counterparts that don't. Small does not equal sexy. Confidence does equal sexy. If you are confident in the bedroom he will love every curve! (It sounds like you need to learn to love your body... most women don't know how to do this anymore.)
This most definately but that being said I have been where the OP is. I have recently lost 22lbs and it has made a huge difference in our intimate life. Not because he didn't love me before or want to be intimate with me...it was about me.
I felt ick.
Now I feel yummy again.
But that being said I did this for me...not him. I did it so I felt good/great and the intimacy and it's increase and it being better is just a side effect of my attitude.0 -
Oh he'll yeah!!
My husband loves a big butt and big twins,I have those...but when my weight was higher I also received rolls.I am so self conscious,even at a low weight.i tend to be a bottom...cause I'm afraid to experiment.feel like I'm too big or I'm not doing it right...feels embarrassingly and mortifying.i didn't realize how bid I'd gotten until my legs were squished on his sides and sex was terrible.i felt pity for him and like he was unhappy.ive lost close to thirty lbs and am 5"6 151 lbs and things are picking back up.i feel better in my skin and the bedroom reflects my improvements .i still feel too big to experiment in bed,but feel a lot closer than before.a lot has to do with my age and gender.I want to always be a perfect example of a Barbie doll,I met him at 17 too.first real relationship,child,marriage etc.hes older.i feel like a rookie.now I'm 21 and learning to accept myself.He fell in ,ove with me at 160lbs and seen me through 125lbs to pregnancy to just a few months ago 184lbs...he knew I was struggling but he is also not a child so he knows there's more than a bod to a woman. Improving my inner self has helped a lot...your not alone by a far shot girl.add me if you like.0 -
My girlfriend is the same way, she blames it on her weight, but she was also this way when she was 30lbs lighter. She's not even obese (135 @ 5'3)
I don't poke or squeeze her stomach, and I never say anything about her looks or weight in a negative way. She does not have a sexual bone in her body and I hate it. When this happens for too long you can really resent a person for it.
If I didn't initiate sex, we would go months without it. She's smart enough to let me "IN" almost every day, but only in one position, while she's watching tv and complains how it hurts.
Please don't be that girl0 -
I am ABSOLUETLY NOT looking for people to say "Oh dont worry you are beautiful and he loves you" and blah blah blah. Those are kind words, and meant for encouragement. I get it. But what I REALLY want to know is if there are others who have felt that their weight/size has been a hinderance to a healthy romantic relationship with your significant other.
I'm a guy, so for what it's worth, I'm probably closer to how your husband thinks than you are.
When I say, "Don't worry you are beautiful and he wants to stick it in you" I mean just that. Is he hard? Does he show interest? Does he respond when you show interest? Then he doesn't find you unattractive. This isn't words of encouragement, this is raw fact.
What you're experiencing is a personal issue, you're making it a hindrance, you're making it an issue, you're making it more than it needs to be. You can have a spectacular sex life at any size... if you let yourself. My other half is on here losing weight too and we've been a wide range of weights with each other, one of us being fat and another thin in both directions... it never once had a serious effect on our sex life. I find her appealing no matter what size she is and I'm not just saying that, there's a lot more to sex appeal than just appearance.
Honestly, it seems like you should seek some counseling and communicate with your SO better.0 -
I have had issues with being intimate with my husband because I feel so self conscious about how I look.
Few people in the world are without self-concious issues or iadequate feelings, which are exponentially worse when intimacy, the closest you can be with someone, is at hand. But in a relationship, especially in marriage, that is where trust, understand, and safety should be commonplace. I know I have dealt with it for various physical attributes, or lack of *ahem*, but the reality is, it mattered to me more than my wife.
What is important is that you a) continue to strive to be the in the best health you can be, and b) trust in your relationship.
And as you start getting in better shape, trust me....your libido will skyrocket. And your husband will thank you. 0 -
That sucks. I feel self conscious to and he doesn't get that. I have the opposite problem. I think my guy likes me bigger so other guys wont look! I hear "oh your working out again?" Or here I brought you a peanut butter cup! Screams sabotage! He is not a big guy and he likes to say well, at least you've never weighed more then me. Ya right. I don't think some men think before they open their mouths. Tell him next time he "jiggles your tummy" If he doesn't stop you won't jiggle anything of his anymore! lol. He'll get the hint!0
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you just need to remember that if he wasn't attracted to you and didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't.
THIS^^^ Mine could have so many. There's literally a line, but he chooses me 0 -
I know exactly how you feel and here is my 2 cents.
1. Like others have said, he wouldn't want to sleep with you if he found you unattractive, so clearly he still thinks you are the cat's meow. This is about how YOU feel about you, not how HE feels about you.
2. When I turned down my husband because of my insecurities, it made him feel insecure. He didn't understand what I was going through, only that I didn't want to be intimate as often as him which made him question what he was doing wrong.
3. One thing that helped me over time was taking progress pictures in my underwear and bra for myself, this was FRIGHTENING to me, and the first few times (usually a few months apart) were not fun. But as I slowly lost weight and my shape was changing, by seeing it in pictures I could point out things like "Oh my shoulders are starting to look really good and strong" or "my stomach is so much flatter than in this picture from 2 months ago" So that even though I'm not quite where I want to be yet, I can see the transformation. When you see yourself in the mirror every day it's really hard to see how far you've come sometimes.
4. In the meantime, what helped my self confidence was making looking at my bathroom mirror a positive experience. I had people on my Friends List here on MFP leave me positive messages, then I wrote them on post-it notes and put them up so that every day when I was getting ready for work or getting ready for bed I could read them. Here is a pic of my mirror:
It seems silly, and if people use your washroom they might think it's a bit weird, but it works, I highly suggest doing it.0 -
People have already stated the most important things - things you need to really take to heart.
1. If he didn't want you, whatever your size; he wouldn't be with you.
2. Sexy has nothing to do with your weight. It's all about how YOU feel about you. You project that all around you. If you accept yourself and find something about you to love and build confidence upon, people will feel it, see it, respond to it. If you are constantly down on yourself, you don't try to look your best because you feel dumpy inside, so why bother with the outside - this is something people will also pick up on.
3. Talk to a professional. Most people who struggle with self image issues do. There may be an underlying problem that could be resolved and help you overcome many of your struggles with your body and weight. Projecting your negative self image feelings onto others isn't fair to them or to you.
4, Do Something about it. If you don't like the way you look - do something about it. Presumably, that's why you're here! This community is friendly, honest and supportive and I know you'll find friends to give you a little positive encouragement along our journey. Keep at it, even when it gets hard. Get involved in things you love to do - whatever keeps you motivated and active!
That said, I'm not a little girl. I've started this process of becoming a healthier person because I don't like the way I look even though my other half says he wants me at any size. As he mentioned, we've been up and down with weight and we're doing this together right now, but our love life hasn't suffered at any time. If your man is sticking it in you dear - he wants to be there. It isn't "taking one for the team", it isn't "pity sex" - it's just intimacy between two people who love one another. It's hard to not be self conscious on some level. I hate myself in a bathing suit - but I love the water. So, I put on my proverbial big girl panties, suck it up and I go out in my swimming suit and I do what I love. If other people don't like it - they can simply choose to not look at me. I will still enjoy my time in the water.0 -
Wow! I can't believe I have gotten so many replies! Thank you!
It seems like over and over I am hearing "If he didnt want you, he wouldn't be there."
I know he loves me and wants to be with me. I know he wants me to be healthier and happier. But I also know he has told me, more than once, that I am not physically attractive to him. I feel like once I make some real progress, I will become attractive to him again...or at least as attractive as I was...hopefully more so!
I know that A LOT of it has to do with my own insecurities, but I will never be able to forget the fact that he has never called me pretty/beautiful/cute/sexy but has often called me fat/big/jiggly and it makes it SO difficult to believe he finds me attractive.
It helps a lot to know that there are many others who have felt the same way and were able to overcome the feelings of being disgusted with themselves and able to let their confidence and charm shine through.0 -
I have learned that when I question my husbands attraction to me I insult him. He HATES it when I say negative things about myself. Sexy is an attitude. You see big and small girls that have it and you see their counterparts that don't. Small does not equal sexy. Confidence does equal sexy. If you are confident in the bedroom he will love every curve! (It sounds like you need to learn to love your body... most women don't know how to do this anymore.)
YES. My boyfriend says that its never been my body that was a turn off but my attitude! I do exactly what you do and I'll get all self conscious in the act and start talking about how fat I am or whatever and he says THAT is what is a turn off not anything else.0
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