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MyFitnessPal Community

(WARNING TMI) Have you felt like this?

ninjakitty419

I have had issues with being intimate with my husband because I feel so self conscious about how I look. Besides me being too hard on myself, he does things like jiggle my belly and smack my butt and tells me "there is just so much to smack" and things like that. I have formed a mental block to where I cant even enjoy kissing because I am afraid it will lead to sex and I just dont want it too. I have told him more than once that I feel like he is "taking one for the team" by even trying to be intimate with me.

I was kind of starting to get over this, but then yesterday I accidently happened to glance at the mirror in our bedroom and SAW and I was just disgusted. It was like a bad comedy movie scene...big fat girl riding a tiny guy. I can't get that image out of my head and I feel like I dont even want to do anything again until Im skinny which is a LONG time to make him wait!

I am ABSOLUETLY NOT looking for people to say "Oh dont worry you are beautiful and he loves you" and blah blah blah. Those are kind words, and meant for encouragement. I get it. But what I REALLY want to know is if there are others who have felt that their weight/size has been a hinderance to a healthy romantic relationship with your significant other.

Replies

kelseyhere

I have learned that when I question my husbands attraction to me I insult him. He HATES it when I say negative things about myself. Sexy is an attitude. You see big and small girls that have it and you see their counterparts that don't. Small does not equal sexy. Confidence does equal sexy. If you are confident in the bedroom he will love every curve! (It sounds like you need to learn to love your body... most women don't know how to do this anymore.)

I agree with Hannah. We all have days when we don't feel sexy. You just have to look in the mirror, everything on display, and say what you do like about yourself. Talk yourself up, but on a cute bra that makes you feel hot, and strut your stuff. When you feel sexy, you will carry yourself better. Just smiling more does leaps and bounds for your looks. No one likes a frowny face.

If you don't think you're sexy, he might start to agree with you.

MsMuniz

Sometimes men just don't realize. One day my husband said I love your thunder thighs. I was like What??! He did not know thunder thighs is usually an insult. :noway:

RivenV

Sometimes men just don't realize. One day my husband said I love your thunder thighs. I was like What??! He did not know thunder thighs is usually an insult. :noway:

Oh husbands... Mine pokes my "pooch" from time to time because (he says) he loves it. Then I'll tell him I wish it was gone, and he'll say, "But girls are supposed to have a little pooch. That's the part that expands/contracts when they have babies! It's a baby-pooch for later."
Because, deep down, we're all kangaroos.

HeyItsCourtney1

I felt that way for so long. Eventually I took mirrors down. And avoided my boyfriend because I was so insecure. It got to the point I would try to get him to break up with me just so I wouldn't have to worry about that. Now, I'm still insecure but I'm learning to love things other than the outer appearances. I'm always trying to lose weight but I get discouraged. And my bf doesn't always help with that. The best advice I can give is tell him what you're feeling. Maybe he doesn't realize how it makes you feel? If he still does it, maybe you should really sit him down and try to put him in your shoes.

mmm_drop

I think that's a common problem for women, especially when we see what the porno women look like.

Oh bull, porno guys have gigantic schlongs. Men usually don't sit and cry at their weiner size, and are afraid to have sex with a willing woman. If he did, I'd say his head is messed up and go to therapy now.

So don't blame porn. (We watch porn together. It's fun!)

OP, you have some serious body-image issues that you should work to overcome, probably with some CBT. They run deeper than just your weight. You can call your husband a jerk all you want, but it won't fix anything. There is a strong chance that your mental state is interpreting everything he does as extremely negative.

I assure you plenty of fat, jiggly, people have awesome sex (and if you watched enough good porn you'd know that). Surely, he doesn't see you the way you see yourself. If left untreated, it can mess with your marriage. Do something before it gets worse.

Did you miss the part where I said men and women are different?

And yes, some men actually do have serious insecurity issues with their junk. And that's super sad too. Anyone can be insecure and sometimes seeing a idealized person can feed into that.

Have some compassion man.

Men and Women have complete different views on this subject. Point blank!!!!!

Call me crazy, but I'm a woman and I agree with him.

Everyone, men and women, have insecurities and this is what it boils down to in the end.

njconat

I know exactly how you feel. Start watching what you eat and exercising as much as you can. Logging into mfp several times a day helps mr a ton. I feel like I'm obsessing over my weight loss goals but I an seeing results. Even the smallest changes make me feel sexier. I also drink tons of water to keep myself from getting bloated and looking fatter than normal. Mixing cardio with strength training is going to give you the fastest results. Look on YouTube for beginner workouts. There are tons!

njconat

By the way if your husband is calling you fat, and not beautiful, you need to give him a piece of your mind. Or find a man that is attracted tou you regardless.

ladyark

You know when i was heavy i didnt feel near as gross in bed as i do now. Before i was heavy all over....now it feel like i have the saggy belly and boobs that are half the size they used to be. My hubby loves the new me and most times i do too but, i think we all at times worry about how we look naked.

Now if you husband is saying things that are unkind and hurt your feelings you need to seriously call him out on it. Its just uncalled for .

kmm7309

My husband does not jiggly, poke, pinch, or prod my fat. He puts his hands in the right places at the right times. He says all the right things. Almost every time we have sex he comments on good I am ("maybe the best... easily top three").

But I am very self conscious. I get nervous being on top (although that's some of our best sex) and when the bed creaks... sometimes I cry because I think it's going to break.

I talked to my doctor about this, and she says that it sounds like low grade depression. Unfortunately, every depression medicine's side effect list includes low sex drive, so we didn't think that would be helpful. I'm just working on trying to love myself.

But you are not alone in feeling that way. :flowerforyou:

jennyrebekka

Your man is clearly not giving it to you good enough.

Not to be mean, but......when you are getting it really good, you are so busy seeing colors and head spinnin and sweatin and feeling those endorphins coarsing through your whole body, you don't give a damn WHAT your body looks like - - - and I am a few pieces of bread away from 300 lbs - so it's not that i am not prone to these feelings at other times in my life - - just not in the bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/alley/middle of the woods/stairwell at work.........you get the picture.

bulbadoof

Yeah, it's an image thing. As women, we're bombarded with photoshopped images of the 'ideal body' all the time, telling us 'this is what men want, this is what you need to be, this is what you're worthless if you aren't.' It's all garbage and even people of average weight suffer from it. I know it's hard to re-train yourself when you really can't escape the images, but it's something we all gotta do if we wanna feel comfortable in our own skin.

Why not stick a couple of Post-it notes on every mirror in your house, with nice things you can't argue with written on them? Maybe you're amazing at cooking a particular dish. Maybe you can kick the *kitten* of everyone you know at ping-pong. Maybe you're very skilled at a musical instrument. Your body is changeable, and it doesn't define you. Whatever you're good at, you're so much more than the way you see yourself physically, and you deserve to look at yourself and see not what your body looks like right now, but the strength, wit, courage, kindness, and talent that makes you the unique and wonderful woman that your husband married.

Sqeekyjojo

I got moments like that.

Then I was sitting in a large group with my friends and realised that, out of the guys there, I'd dated two who have never had any difficulty getting adoring girls from their fanbases and there were at least 4 others who I've been told like me in the same way, both older and one quite a lot younger than I am (and he is very attractive).

I'm not some hot starlet; I'm an ageing grunge rocker, most often found in the bar with my friends, singing along to everything, dancing for myself, drinking bourbon, vodka and beer (and water), eyeliner smudged, hair a state and still (just about) morbidly obese. I don't expose huge swathes of flesh, I'm usually wearing a variation upon jeans, band or striped t-shirts, plaid shirts, black tops, Converse, trainers, cowboy, studded, Doc Martens or some other boots and a leather jacket that's incredibly old and baggy. Oh, and stripey socks. So hardly like I'm easy/desperate for male attention.

Late night conversations have revealed that people seem to like my confidence (we do a lot of late nights drinking and talking crap). That I'm not too shy to have physical contact through hugs, through dancing, through even just sitting next to somebody and letting them talk and saying supportive things to them. And that goes for both friends and potential dates - they can see I'm comfortable with myself and, by extension, with them. In any case, I'm holding out for a guy that shakes my world to the core. No compromising on that now, I've had enough of making do just because they were interested. So I'll be perfectly happy with more fantastic friends - there's no pressure or expectation from anybody. I also don't feel I have to be grateful for any scraps of attention - and, apparently, I don't appear as though I'd be hard work, which, sadly, some of my slimmer, younger, far more attractive female friends are.

Now, what the guys don't know is that, IF I let one into my life, underneath the grungy, punky clothes is really nice underwear. And what will happen to them if they were allowed that far, is that I would then leave them in a quivering, shaking heap of happiness - because I'm not thinking about my waist measurement or how I compare to an adult movie actor or anybody else they've dated - I'm thinking about them and I'm thinking about me. Because they are doing exactly the same. But maybe that's what those guys who want to be with me can sense - that I am me; I like me, for all my faults; and I'd be too busy making us both feel amazing to be needing reassurance or hiding away under the covers. After all, they'd be in my bed; it would be mean to deny them a chance to enjoy looking at what's happening (unless blindfolds are involved, which is a whole other subject).

TL;DR Stop thinking about yourself as how others might see you. Think about your purely physical needs and those of your partner, because if you share amazing sex, he really won't be looking at you critically, he'll be looking at the amazing woman who makes him feel so good.

homegirl614

Your man is clearly not giving it to you good enough.

Not to be mean, but......when you are getting it really good, you are so busy seeing colors and head spinnin and sweatin and feeling those endorphins coarsing through your whole body, you don't give a damn WHAT your body looks like - - - and I am a few pieces of bread away from 300 lbs - so it's not that i am not prone to these feelings at other times in my life - - just not in the bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/alley/middle of the woods/stairwell at work.........you get the picture.

Exactly!!!!! When you two are going at it and you are only thinking about what your body looks like and not what's gonig on in the bed, he is clearly not doing his job

jhargrove1

I completely understand where you are coming from. My bf had been super into exercising since he graduated and he confronted me about my sedentary life style and my collage weight. I was really eye-opening and got me into the gym but now that I am conscious of how I look (and jiggle) I just don't want to be intimate. He loves sex though and it is super bothersome because I am like "you think I am fat why in the world would you want want to tap this?!? I have so many lbs left to lose" but he is just happy that I am taking it seriously. I am working on wanting to be naked with him again but it will take time. Thanks for bringing this up, I thought I was the only one.

Nerdybookgirl

I feel that way too. My husband even says that he is turned on my large stomach, hips, and thighs. That makes me even more uncomfortable because that means he is actually looking at my least favorite parts.

MyseriMapleleaf

I have learned that when I question my husbands attraction to me I insult him.

VERY true!

meltedkeys

YES! add me. we shall discuss.

aylajane

For the time being, do not think of it as being "intimate'. Think of it as aerobics, pure and simple. Get your 30 minutes of sweating in at least every other day (really go at it and burn some calories). Volunteer to be on top so you have to work harder. After, get up and shower and log the calorie burn (estimate or wear a heart rate monitor). You are using him, but it will keep him happy in the meantime and get you closer to your goal, which is to enjoy it without thinking about your body. For now, concentrate on your muscles just like if you were using the weight machines in the gym - its a workout, and nobody looks good while working out.

And just like in the gym, if you dont like people being chatty while you are concentrating on your goal, put on some headphones or ignore them or tell them to shut their mouth (who knows, he might like it if you just took charge and ordered him around, making sure you get the full benefit of your workout time!).

Save the "intimate" time for a Sat night or something, where you take it slow with the lights out, etc so you dont even think about being self-conscious.

chunkydunk714

you just need to remember that if he wasn't attracted to you and didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't.

This.

Although this is true it doesnt solve her issue with her self esteem.

OP, ive been there and it sucks. My advice? Get to where you need to be in order for these feelings to stop and work your *kitten* off to get there.

Good luck ma

chunkydunk714

Your man is clearly not giving it to you good enough.

Not to be mean, but......when you are getting it really good, you are so busy seeing colors and head spinnin and sweatin and feeling those endorphins coarsing through your whole body, you don't give a damn WHAT your body looks like - - - and I am a few pieces of bread away from 300 lbs - so it's not that i am not prone to these feelings at other times in my life - - just not in the bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/alley/middle of the woods/stairwell at work.........you get the picture.

Ok, I havent had sex in a while so reading this gave me the chills.....good chills. Damn, I miss times like these.

JLHNU212

I think the comments about us being our own worse enemy are COMPLETELY true!! My hubby has never said one thing or done one thing besides tell me how beautiful I am, and yet, I am SOOOOO inscure, the way I feel about myself affects our bedroom fun! In my opinion, guys are wired completely different than women. Most dont fret about their insecurities so much that it stops them from jumping into bed.

I envy that about them!! Good Luck with this and I hope it gets better!!

KenosFeoh

I don't know how much of it is I don't want husband to get up close and personal with this fat body and how much is that I just don't like to be touched all that much. I don't even like it when friends greet me with a hug. I'd rather everybody just keep their hands to themselves.

KenosFeoh

Your man is clearly not giving it to you good enough.

Not to be mean, but......when you are getting it really good, you are so busy seeing colors and head spinnin and sweatin and feeling those endorphins coarsing through your whole body, you don't give a damn WHAT your body looks like - - - and I am a few pieces of bread away from 300 lbs - so it's not that i am not prone to these feelings at other times in my life - - just not in the bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/alley/middle of the woods/stairwell at work.........you get the picture.

Ewwwwwwwwwww!

LiftHeavyRunFast_

Your man is clearly not giving it to you good enough.

Not to be mean, but......when you are getting it really good, you are so busy seeing colors and head spinnin and sweatin and feeling those endorphins coarsing through your whole body, you don't give a damn WHAT your body looks like - - - and I am a few pieces of bread away from 300 lbs - so it's not that i am not prone to these feelings at other times in my life - - just not in the bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/alley/middle of the woods/stairwell at work.........you get the picture.

Ewwwwwwwwwww!

There is nothing "ewwwww" about good sex and feeling confident in your skin during. I'd argue that it's "ewwww" not to let your husband get close or touch you during sex. Poor man.

jsimler1

It was like a bad comedy movie scene...big fat girl riding a tiny guy. I can't get that image out of my head and I feel like I dont even want to do anything again until Im skinny which is a LONG time to make him wait!

This. I feel like this every time. I just remind myself that he has to be somewhat attracted or he wouldn't keep persuing me..keep your head up. You're on the right track, just build up that confidence!

heidihunt357

HI,
It is sad we feel this way ever. Regardless if you are a man or a woman. I have weighted the same for almost 8 years. No matter what I did I just couldn't loose it. Then about 4 months ago something changed. Cant tell you what just something and I started loosing weight. Up until then though, sex was not high on my priority in marriage list. If my husband wanted too, I would, but rarely did I initiate it. He would tell me it doesn't matter what I look like that he loved me not what I looked like. I think that is great and all but that wasn't the problem. I had a problem with how I looked and felt. So yes, I understand. It isn't easy.

Sadly he said something the other day that he meant in a positive way and I even took it that way mostly, but there was a part of me that said to myself, see he did think you fat and ugly. I know it wasn't meant that way but as a complement as to how hard I have been working, but the fat me took it completely differently. That is what I face daily though. My fat self saying to me that I am fat and not worthy of him or anyone else.

You said you don't want the typical comment of your pretty or anything and that is good. Because no matter how many people say it, it wont matter until you believe it your self when you say it to yourself.

God luck!

Mario_Az

Meat is meat a man has to eat LOL JK but in all seriousness it is just you and your husband in that bed room no one else is around and sounds like he is very much in to you just go with the flow and keep at your exercise goals good luck

GO H.A.M

erikkmcvay

I feel compelled to reply.

My wife is beautiful. Seriously! She's a head turner. When she walks into a bar people (men and women) notice her! Men will hit on her (and she won't see it I might add) and she is amazing in so many ways (inside and out).

She's got it!

And she has THE SAME problem you do. No matter what I say she feels unattractive (or did in the passed but I think is moving past it more and more). When it comes to intimacy she's a 'lights off' kinda gal and she's admitted because she doesn't like the way she looks and feels less self conscious when the lights are off because I can't see her.

What's helped? Perhaps 11+ years of me constantly complimenting her and telling her how beautiful she is (inside and out) perhaps maturity allowing her to accept that she is attractive. perhaps I just don't know?

In the end I blame society and all the doctored up (and often airbrushed) women on TV and in ads.

Men? We're driven by different things (I won't argue on this, it's my opinion whether you agree or not) and you might not understand it. Sure, we have the same or at least similar issue (I have never thought of myself as attractive) but I've never known a man to avoid s!x because of his self image (maybe it happens though).

In the end I suggest the following:

1. Tell yourself you are beautiful daily.
2. Continue to better yourself through MFP, working out, weight-loss etc because YOU will feel better about YOU.
3. Tell your husband how you feel when he makes those comments -- be honest be open!
4. Accept that when he tells you he's attracted to you that he is.
5. Understand that for men, or at least some men and I'd bet most, being intimate is showing love -- to not do so shows a lack of love (even though it is not true that's how it is often taken by men). Doesn't mean you have to be intimate but it's important to understand that avoiding it might be sending the wrong signals to him so it's best to talk it out.

Above all, believe in yourself! You may not like the way you look or feel but that does not mean you are bad or unattractive etc it just means you don't like the way you look or feel. Accept that and change it for yourself and likely the rest will resolve itself in time with honesty and effort.

danivee33

Your comments of "taking one for the team" when he has sex with you is the reason he is commenting the way he is and jiggling and smacking you. Tell him you hate it, communication is number one, if he doesn't stop after you mention it, then he's a loser.

JasonT1973

There appears to be a need for personal therapy. A professional will be able to help you with self image issues while you are on your weight loss journey. Treasure yourself, treasure your husband and be the best you that you can!