(WARNING TMI) Have you felt like this?

I got moments like that.

Then I was sitting in a large group with my friends and realised that, out of the guys there, I'd dated two who have never had any difficulty getting adoring girls from their fanbases and there were at least 4 others who I've been told like me in the same way, both older and one quite a lot younger than I am (and he is very attractive).


I'm not some hot starlet; I'm an ageing grunge rocker, most often found in the bar with my friends, singing along to everything, dancing for myself, drinking bourbon, vodka and beer (and water), eyeliner smudged, hair a state and still (just about) morbidly obese. I don't expose huge swathes of flesh, I'm usually wearing a variation upon jeans, band or striped t-shirts, plaid shirts, black tops, Converse, trainers, cowboy, studded, Doc Martens or some other boots and a leather jacket that's incredibly old and baggy. Oh, and stripey socks. So hardly like I'm easy/desperate for male attention.



Late night conversations have revealed that people seem to like my confidence (we do a lot of late nights drinking and talking crap). That I'm not too shy to have physical contact through hugs, through dancing, through even just sitting next to somebody and letting them talk and saying supportive things to them. And that goes for both friends and potential dates - they can see I'm comfortable with myself and, by extension, with them. In any case, I'm holding out for a guy that shakes my world to the core. No compromising on that now, I've had enough of making do just because they were interested. So I'll be perfectly happy with more fantastic friends - there's no pressure or expectation from anybody. I also don't feel I have to be grateful for any scraps of attention - and, apparently, I don't appear as though I'd be hard work, which, sadly, some of my slimmer, younger, far more attractive female friends are.




Now, what the guys don't know is that, IF I let one into my life, underneath the grungy, punky clothes is really nice underwear. And what will happen to them if they were allowed that far, is that I would then leave them in a quivering, shaking heap of happiness - because I'm not thinking about my waist measurement or how I compare to an adult movie actor or anybody else they've dated - I'm thinking about them and I'm thinking about me. Because they are doing exactly the same. But maybe that's what those guys who want to be with me can sense - that I am me; I like me, for all my faults; and I'd be too busy making us both feel amazing to be needing reassurance or hiding away under the covers. After all, they'd be in my bed; it would be mean to deny them a chance to enjoy looking at what's happening (unless blindfolds are involved, which is a whole other subject).





TL;DR Stop thinking about yourself as how others might see you. Think about your purely physical needs and those of your partner, because if you share amazing sex, he really won't be looking at you critically, he'll be looking at the amazing woman who makes him feel so good.

I completely understand where you are coming from. My bf had been super into exercising since he graduated and he confronted me about my sedentary life style and my collage weight. I was really eye-opening and got me into the gym but now that I am conscious of how I look (and jiggle) I just don't want to be intimate. He loves sex though and it is super bothersome because I am like "you think I am fat why in the world would you want want to tap this?!? I have so many lbs left to lose" but he is just happy that I am taking it seriously. I am working on wanting to be naked with him again but it will take time. Thanks for bringing this up, I thought I was the only one.

I have learned that when I question my husbands attraction to me I insult him.

VERY true!

For the time being, do not think of it as being "intimate'. Think of it as aerobics, pure and simple. Get your 30 minutes of sweating in at least every other day (really go at it and burn some calories). Volunteer to be on top so you have to work harder. After, get up and shower and log the calorie burn (estimate or wear a heart rate monitor). You are using him, but it will keep him happy in the meantime and get you closer to your goal, which is to enjoy it without thinking about your body. For now, concentrate on your muscles just like if you were using the weight machines in the gym - its a workout, and nobody looks good while working out.

And just like in the gym, if you dont like people being chatty while you are concentrating on your goal, put on some headphones or ignore them or tell them to shut their mouth (who knows, he might like it if you just took charge and ordered him around, making sure you get the full benefit of your workout time!).

Save the "intimate" time for a Sat night or something, where you take it slow with the lights out, etc so you dont even think about being self-conscious.

Your man is clearly not giving it to you good enough.

Not to be mean, but......when you are getting it really good, you are so busy seeing colors and head spinnin and sweatin and feeling those endorphins coarsing through your whole body, you don't give a damn WHAT your body looks like - - - and I am a few pieces of bread away from 300 lbs - so it's not that i am not prone to these feelings at other times in my life - - just not in the bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/alley/middle of the woods/stairwell at work.........you get the picture.

Ok, I havent had sex in a while so reading this gave me the chills.....good chills. Damn, I miss times like these.

I don't know how much of it is I don't want husband to get up close and personal with this fat body and how much is that I just don't like to be touched all that much. I don't even like it when friends greet me with a hug. I'd rather everybody just keep their hands to themselves.

Your man is clearly not giving it to you good enough.

Not to be mean, but......when you are getting it really good, you are so busy seeing colors and head spinnin and sweatin and feeling those endorphins coarsing through your whole body, you don't give a damn WHAT your body looks like - - - and I am a few pieces of bread away from 300 lbs - so it's not that i am not prone to these feelings at other times in my life - - just not in the bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/alley/middle of the woods/stairwell at work.........you get the picture.

Ewwwwwwwwwww!

There is nothing "ewwwww" about good sex and feeling confident in your skin during. I'd argue that it's "ewwww" not to let your husband get close or touch you during sex. Poor man.

HI,
It is sad we feel this way ever. Regardless if you are a man or a woman. I have weighted the same for almost 8 years. No matter what I did I just couldn't loose it. Then about 4 months ago something changed. Cant tell you what just something and I started loosing weight. Up until then though, sex was not high on my priority in marriage list. If my husband wanted too, I would, but rarely did I initiate it. He would tell me it doesn't matter what I look like that he loved me not what I looked like. I think that is great and all but that wasn't the problem. I had a problem with how I looked and felt. So yes, I understand. It isn't easy.

Sadly he said something the other day that he meant in a positive way and I even took it that way mostly, but there was a part of me that said to myself, see he did think you fat and ugly. I know it wasn't meant that way but as a complement as to how hard I have been working, but the fat me took it completely differently. That is what I face daily though. My fat self saying to me that I am fat and not worthy of him or anyone else.

You said you don't want the typical comment of your pretty or anything and that is good. Because no matter how many people say it, it wont matter until you believe it your self when you say it to yourself.

God luck!

I feel compelled to reply.

My wife is beautiful. Seriously! She's a head turner. When she walks into a bar people (men and women) notice her! Men will hit on her (and she won't see it I might add) and she is amazing in so many ways (inside and out).

She's got it!

And she has THE SAME problem you do. No matter what I say she feels unattractive (or did in the passed but I think is moving past it more and more). When it comes to intimacy she's a 'lights off' kinda gal and she's admitted because she doesn't like the way she looks and feels less self conscious when the lights are off because I can't see her.

What's helped? Perhaps 11+ years of me constantly complimenting her and telling her how beautiful she is (inside and out) perhaps maturity allowing her to accept that she is attractive. perhaps I just don't know?

In the end I blame society and all the doctored up (and often airbrushed) women on TV and in ads.

Men? We're driven by different things (I won't argue on this, it's my opinion whether you agree or not) and you might not understand it. Sure, we have the same or at least similar issue (I have never thought of myself as attractive) but I've never known a man to avoid s!x because of his self image (maybe it happens though).

In the end I suggest the following:

1. Tell yourself you are beautiful daily.
2. Continue to better yourself through MFP, working out, weight-loss etc because YOU will feel better about YOU.
3. Tell your husband how you feel when he makes those comments -- be honest be open!
4. Accept that when he tells you he's attracted to you that he is.
5. Understand that for men, or at least some men and I'd bet most, being intimate is showing love -- to not do so shows a lack of love (even though it is not true that's how it is often taken by men). Doesn't mean you have to be intimate but it's important to understand that avoiding it might be sending the wrong signals to him so it's best to talk it out.

Above all, believe in yourself! You may not like the way you look or feel but that does not mean you are bad or unattractive etc it just means you don't like the way you look or feel. Accept that and change it for yourself and likely the rest will resolve itself in time with honesty and effort.

There appears to be a need for personal therapy. A professional will be able to help you with self image issues while you are on your weight loss journey. Treasure yourself, treasure your husband and be the best you that you can!