i just cried resisting the urge to eat junk food (binge)

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Losingthedamnweight
Losingthedamnweight Posts: 535 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I woke up and my daughter's birthday cake was on the table while the family was away and i wanted to eat it so bad. I didn't even think about it, i decided I AM GOING to eat this. And it was crazy. At lightning speed when i decided i was going to stuff my mouth full of as much birthday cake as i could (probably not even leaving any for my own kid!) i ALSO decided since i was eating this, i was also going to go out and get burger king and sit down and watch a movie and i got so happy thinking about it. In my head i gotta feeling "this is a fun thing to do!". Then literally right when i was getting a spatula to scoop out a couple pieces of cake for myself my mood just did a 180 and i realized, like a scene out of a movie, i'm screwing up. I saw myself in this eerie 3rd person view: an overweight 29 year old guy choosing to eat junk food knowing he has a problem with his weight. And just that image of a fat guy eating his kid's birthday cake was the most disgusting image i could have ever hoped to be.

What the hell am i doing? What's wrong with me? I'm trying to change my life and lose this weight that's been holding me down for so many years in so many areas of my life. I'm ashamed of the way i look, i hate being seen, i'm not confident, i think about my weight EVERY day and wish i could be skinny and healthy and here i am putting fuel to the fire making my situation even worse. This isn't the man i aspired to be. I wanted to be so much more than just a fat guy succumbing to his weakness of food in a kitchen. I thought about all of this and it just hit me so hard i got emotional. Despite how emotional i was, i couldn't stop thinking "the decision is made. I decided to eat all this crap right now and i'm going to do it!". I was at this pathetic tug of war with the decision to do this or stop and it was...crazy. Like a drug addict detoxing fighting his urge to use again, i was in the kitchen crying because i wanted this food so bad and i knew even though it would do damage to me and my life, i wanted it anyway. SO bad.

I just stood there. For 20 minutes in the kitchen staring at the cake like a crazy person getting emotional over eating it. Ugh. I feel mental for even going through this. How weak am i mentally? I felt so pathetic even having this dialogue with myself. Getting emotional and telling myself "NO! You are overweight and it's screwing up your life! If you binge, it won't be just this once. It's a chain reaction of screwups and if you don't take a stand right freaking now, you may never be happy again!". So...i ate a lower portion controlled meal and now i'm about to drive to the park for a walk. I want to eat junk so bad. Not just a little, ALOT. But i can't continue screwing up my life like this. I'm done. Everything i want in my life would've disappeared with that binge and i want so much more for myself. I've wasted my 20's and i sure as hell am not going to waste my 30s. I've got alot of time to make up for
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Replies

  • Squidgeypaws007
    Squidgeypaws007 Posts: 1,012 Member
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    The important thing is you managed to resist. Maybe you won't always win that - but you've just done something HUGE, well done :flowerforyou:

    Don't lose faith in yourself - you know what to do and how to do it, just keep on at it! Good luck :)
  • BrookeBQ
    BrookeBQ Posts: 163 Member
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    Good for you for thinking about your actions and writing them down. You are definitely not weak, this is strength. You should be proud of yourself.
  • Nicolee_2014
    Nicolee_2014 Posts: 1,572 Member
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    Keep going.

    Have you thought about seeing a counsellor or someone about your emotions regarding food etc?
  • conniemaxwell5
    conniemaxwell5 Posts: 943 Member
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    It was put to me this way once, "Do you have authority over the food or does the food have authority over you?" Think about it. We have allowed an inanimate object to control our lives. It can't love us, hug us, support us, talk to us, yet we run to it every time we feel anything.

    You are not alone in this. Food addiction is powerful because we can't live without it. We have to change the way we think about food. You just took a very big step in the right direction. Congratulations!
  • sheshappynow
    sheshappynow Posts: 88 Member
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    wow you made it through this battle... remember we all have days like this...but you managed to overcome this one....be proud of yourself!
  • chunkydunk714
    chunkydunk714 Posts: 784 Member
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    is this a test?
  • StrongFitSexy
    StrongFitSexy Posts: 129
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    Wow, I feel even worse now reading your post... cause i just finished stuffing my face with so much junk (binging)
    This is also the hardest part for me, you are not the only either, i love food but it is very hard not to binge. That is why a lot of people on mfp are here because we are going through it and trying to be successful overcoming this issue.
    I am very happy that you did not give in and overcame it. It is a step closer towards being healthy. I congratulate you:smile:
  • 81Katz
    81Katz Posts: 7,074 Member
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    ((((((((((((((((((Losingthedamn)))))))))))))))))))
    :flowerforyou:
  • chandanista
    chandanista Posts: 986 Member
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    YOU DID IT!!

    The first time is the hardest, and you did it!


    OK, really, they're all hard. But now you know you can say no, and move on, and what's the worst that can happen if you take control. Progressively, it gets better.

    Good Job!
  • susanhiding
    susanhiding Posts: 88 Member
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    Breaking a habit is a very hard thing. It really is one step at a time. And you just took a huge leap! Don't look at this as a negative thing, look at as a positive. You stopped yourself. You recognized what a mistake it would be to eat that cake! And then on top of that you had a good meal AND went for a walk. That is amazing! So hold your head high, you are doing it! You are totally going to win.
  • allinoelle007
    allinoelle007 Posts: 163 Member
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    I related to your post in many ways. Thanks for putting it out there and I am glad you won the battle today. All the battles add up which makes you a winner for sure!
  • CJ_Holmes
    CJ_Holmes Posts: 759 Member
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    That sounded like a huge burst of self-awareness to me. You described the struggle so vividly. I used to binge and purge in high school and college, and I know those feelings so well. I also often forget I ever had them, because I have changed so much. You CAN overcome this. It is an addiction, but that realization that this is NOT who you want to be is a big step.
  • RobynLB83
    RobynLB83 Posts: 626 Member
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    Dude, you came back from the point of no return. I have never done that. I recognized your dialogue oh-so-well, and the way you kept it together and did what you had to do is really inspiring. WTG! Major win.
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
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    your post is funny, yep, I have went after food in lightning speed. Sometimes I can have a little bit of some junk food like cake and that helps me not be deprived. Today I was looking at choc cake and strawberry cake and I left it alone also. I really was not in the mood for it so I figured I would wait. The urge did pass. We know we feel so much better with our weight down, I hate all this logging seriously but it does work so I want to fit in my clothes and not have all those knee problems my friends have from carring all that weight!
  • AuroraBear84
    AuroraBear84 Posts: 35 Member
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    Thank you for sharing! I know that must have been hard to be so honest with yourself and with us strangers. It sounds like you have made an amazing first step at just recognizing these urges and being brutally honest with yourself about where they will lead. It is so hard to be be honest with ourselves sometimes but you have a HUGE support group here on MFP ready to help you win this battle!!!
  • kar328
    kar328 Posts: 4,156 Member
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    How weak am i mentally?

    You're not. You just won a huge battle. How great is that?? Be proud of it.
  • rosemaryhon
    rosemaryhon Posts: 507 Member
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    You showed you have GOOD willpower!

    Find some creative ways to satisfy your junk food urges ~ foods you can have handy to enjoy when this type mood hits ~ because it WILL hit again. Such as chicken burgers, yogurt, even big salad with low-cal dressing (I've eaten that to fill myself more than a few times when I was tempted to binge). Shrimp cocktail is very low cal I've discovered. Those sugar-free frozen desserts (like fudgesicles) and the jello puddings are a good choice ~ 60 calories each. Fill up your fridge and cupboards with foods you can eat and enjoy.

    You sound very determined, so you've got that going for you! I can really identify with hating being fat and not wanting to be seen ~ that's exactly how I was when I began this journey back in February. I was truly desperate and would toss and turn each and every night with depression. Remind yourself being in better shape will feel better than any fast food. Remember how down in the dumps you'd feel if you ran out to get McDonald's tonight ~ it's like an awful hangover, isn't it?

    The only way I've been able to do this is to have PLENTY of foods handy that I CAN eat ~ especially if I'm feeling tempted to binge.

    You CAN do this ~ you proved so tonight. So keep up the good work :)

    ps ~ my diary is open, feel free to take a peak to get an idea of the foods I found that are soo delicious and satisfying.
  • NathanFronk
    NathanFronk Posts: 137 Member
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    is this a test?

    I'm confused.
  • dazzlesangel
    dazzlesangel Posts: 47 Member
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    Well done for resisting the urge to binge, be proud of yourself for being so strong, and when you get the urge again try to think of this time, of how strong you were, and how much better you will feel when you get your weight to where you want it. Also don't try for skinny and healthy, make it slim and healthy, good luck!

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