With the exception of getting fit

What is the hardest thing you've ever had to do??

A few years back I had gotten a call that my friend's dad had just been killed in an accident. My friend had just phoned me roughly 20 mins after I'd gotten the call and I couldn't say anything because he was in his work truck on the highway and his buddy was on his way to meet him so he could break the news to him. I had to make small talk knowing he was about to find out his dad was just killed.

When I was 15 I told my parents I was in a sexual relationship with a girl. My father kicked me out telling me that I was to end up in hell and he was afraid I'd molest my little sister (December 2002). Two months later I was walking to the convenience store to get the leftover/expired roller grill food when I was grabbed and pulled beside a building, beaten, raped, and impregnated. I was released from hospital a couple of weeks later to my father and ended up back at home briefly. I constantly begged for consent to abort after getting the positive pregnancy test, but instead my father and his religious friends tried to brianwash me into believing that my rape and the baby were both a good thing. At one point he said something similar to 'now that you've had a man you will not be with another girl.'

I miscarried at 2.5 months, left home, and went to live with my girlfriend and her mum. What still scares me most today is still not knowing who attacked me. I never saw his face. There was plenty of DNA evidence but apparently no match to anyone. As far as I know the man who attacked me is still free and doing this to other girls and women. I have a recurring nightmare in which I go to my bedroom and he's waiting for me. He says that he's going to finish me and then pulls the gun he had before and shoots me in the chest. Then he beats and rapes me again as I am dying. I tend to wake up screaming, panicking, and crying from that. Luckily therapy has helped me a lot with my nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks. I haven't had this particular nightmare in a couple of months, and my flashbacks whilst awake are now very infrequent. I still get panicky sometimes when there is a man walking near me, especially if he's behind or beside me, but I am much less terrified of men now and I know that not every man is a rapist in waiting. I carry pepper spray and a 12 million volt taser just in case.

After my miscarriage I started to gain weight like crazy, mostly from alcohol and Taco Bell. I went from being a normal sized 15 year old girl to (about 150 pounds, 5'10.5'') to being over 300 pounds a little less than two years after, and then to hitting my max weight of 446 pounds in early 2011. I had a heart attack in March 2011, a couple of months before my ex proposed to me. I started losing weight then and had some success on my own before finding and joining MFP in June 2011. In August 2011 my fiancée left me. I started gaining weight again and drinking heavily, almost died from the alcohol a couple of times, and then some kind people here suggested rehab. I entered rehab January 2012 and came home March 2012 sober and losing weight again. I continued losing weight (about 100 pounds) until September 2012 when my grandmum (my everything) died. I deactivated my MFP account, and gained back 50 pounds in just over a month and then another 30 up to the point I rejoined MFP for good.

What's the hardest thing I've had to do? I think the hardest thing I've ever done, aside from survive the **** I've been through, is come to the realisation that I actually want to live. I want to live. I look at the elbow-to-wrist scars on both of my arms and remember the day I came extremely close to ending my own life, and I know that I will not allow myself to reach that point again. I want to live.

What is the hardest thing you've ever had to do??

A few years back I had gotten a call that my friend's dad had just been killed in an accident. My friend had just phoned me roughly 20 mins after I'd gotten the call and I couldn't say anything because he was in his work truck on the highway and his buddy was on his way to meet him so he could break the news to him. I had to make small talk knowing he was about to find out his dad was just killed.

When I was in middle school, my mom always worked really late shifts with the exception of the weekends so we would always do something special on the weekends (just the two of us because my brother was always at my cousin's house). One weekend, we were planning on going to Steak 'n Shake because it was my favorite restaurant.

I remember waking up that morning to the sound of the alarm going off in the living room because that's where my mom slept. She could only afford a two-bedroom apartment and didn't sleep in the bedroom because she was afraid of waking me up. Anyway, I looked at my clock and it was close to noon, which was a ridiculously late time for my mom to wake up but the alarm was still going off. I walked into the living room and she was sleeping in the chair (not the usual place she that she slept) and I went over to her to wake her up. My mom was always pretty easy to wake up, so I just went over and shook her a little.

This was when I realized there was a problem, no matter how hard I shook her and no matter how loud I yelled "Mom, wake up!" she just wouldn't open her eyes. Her breathing seemed normal to me at the time, although I didn't know much about it and I don't remember enough of the details now to tell so I had no idea what the problem was. While in hysterics, I tried calling my grandmother because I didn't know what else to do, and that just turned out badly. My grandmother was not fond of me anyway, so she just got mad and hung up when I was unable to speak to her. But I wanted to try her first because I knew that my mom had a problem with prescription drugs and I wanted it to be fixed without the consequences she would have to face (and did) due to her drug problem.

After that, I knew I had to do something, so I did end up calling 9-1-1, they came and tried to revive her. Nothing worked, so they took her and all of her illegal drugs off to the hospital and they finally got her back. Then I was just worried that I would lose my mom because of her addiction. My dad was not allowed around me or my brother because he sexually abused me, so I would *have* to go live with my grandparents who really didn't like me and I didn't want that to happen.

Wow, random tangent, anyway, she was fully revived at the hospital and diagnosed with sleep apnea and she was put through a short rehab for her addiction; not that it worked, but it meant that she could keep us. And, to be clear, it wasn't like a TERRIBLE situation for us to be in, she was not abusive or anything. Just apathetic for the most part. The fun part: even today, my grandparents still blame me for my mom's near death. I had absolutely nothing to do with what happened, but they still think it was somehow my fault.

WOW. I had a fvcked up childhood...

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You and me both.

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I will pass.

Oh, come on! What I shared is more than many of my RL friends know about me.

Maybe in private, but not with a bunch of strangers who don't give a rats *kitten* either way. :flowerforyou:

Maybe in private, but not with a bunch of strangers who don't give a rats *kitten* either way. :flowerforyou:



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