Sabotauge or just clueless???

Something I learned a long while ago...I'm the one watching what I eat and what I'm doing...not the people around me. Get your own **** together...nobody can sabotage you but yourself. Seriously, unless you want to wrap yourself up in bubble wrap or something you're gonna have to just get your **** together and stop the nonsense. Nobody can sabotage you but yourself.

we threw out the cookies and ice cream and now use fresh fruit smoothies and frozen yogurt and granola bars.my 12 year old son has adapted to the change very easily. try nestle sugar free powder and fat free milk for chocolaty drinks. smoothies are eazy.......raspberries blueberries strawberries and 1 scoop of sherbert.add a little fat free milk and it tastes soooooooo good you think your cheating on your diet............good luck lorrie

Use the money to start a college fund, and tell MIL. May be helpful if your husband had one on one time with his mother to lay down boundaries.

She's a grandmother FFS, they usually love to spoil their grandkids with all kinds of goodies. My grandmother thinks serving me three scoops of ice cream instead of four is "healthy". It's an old timer mentality and most of the time it's hard to change their mind.

You know what I do? Say thanks but NO thanks. It's not hard

Your grammy sounds like a total sweet heart.

You sound a wee bit controlling.

Just because you have self control issues doesn't mean the rest of the world is going to change to suit you.

Wait, what's wrong with chocolate milk? And a pack of gummy bears every two weeks isn't exactly a crime either, especially if your household is a clean and healthy as you claim it is. Grandparents buy their grandkids treats. And bikes. And socks and shoes and Easter suits. Just because you decide to make a drastic change doesn't mean the entire Earth has to reverse course right with you.

I don't like the sound of " you better do this"... but in one sense, it doesn't matter unless you're prepared to cut off all access, and your husband agrees. Your steps are: make sure you & your husband are on the same page ( so ML doesn't whine to him how mean you're being); tell her you value your, and your family's relationship with her; calmly inform her that you are not keeping those kinds of food in your house, and you will let her know if that changes; and ask her to only send non-food treats back to your house. Obviously, what she keeps in her house is her problem, unless and until your daughter develops a medical problem. Try not to make accusations, because no matter what she's doing, she'll be indignant. It's hard to cope with this kind of thing, but remember you have a right to try for a healthier lifestyle. It's possible she just thinks this was good enough for her & her son, so it must be all right for her grandchild.

Think it may just be clueless. Talk to grandma let her know what's the plans for the family. And you're the mother as quick as grandma give you can take away who says the little HAS to have the junk.

expecting an old woman to adopt your views for your family isn't fair.

Sorry, but WHAT?! Disregarding the whole diet thing, it is the parents' decision what their child eats and when. After all, they are the ones who have to deal with the consequences (be it a sleepless night from a sugar high, or a child addicted to sweets and junk food). If that were me, and someone decided to give my daughter (or any future children) a bunch of junk food as a gift, they'd be darn-well told where to stick that food and if they or any other person failed to or refused to respect OUR wishes for OUR child, then they do not deserve a place in our lives.

What if this were an allergy situation? What if this child had reactions to certain foods which caused major discomfort or were life-threatening? If the parent said to the grandparent '(Child) cannot have dairy' (or eggs, or nuts, or gluten) and the grandparent decided not to respect that instruction for whatever reason it could have immediate and serious ramifications for the child. That may sound alarmist and over the top, but it happens!

expecting an old woman to adopt your views for your family isn't fair.

Sorry, but WHAT?! Disregarding the whole diet thing, it is the parents' decision what their child eats and when.

Exactly. Thank you for proving my point.

"it is the parents' decision what their child eats and when". Point blank and end of story.

Parents don't get to decide anybody else's relationship with food. Parents don't get to decide what grandparents, aunts, uncles, or even friends offer their children either. Nobody but the primary care givers, be they parents, grandparents, guardians, what have you, are responsible for your kids' diet. If somebody continues to offer treats to your children that you refuse them, then it's YOUR job to act accordingly. If it means cutting that person out of the kids' life, so be it, but it still comes down to what the PARENTS do, not what anybody else does.

So, again, nobody is responsible for upholding you and your family's diet but you and your spouse. You can not change anybody else.

The allergy business is indeed alarmist, obviously a totally different situation, and has absolutely nothing to do with my point so I won't bother to offer rebuttal.

Forgot to mention that she is also aware of the risk of diabetes to my children ( 1 in 7 ) with an unhealthy lifestyle. Also knows about my addiction to sugar and how hard it's been to give it up. It's not even the fact that she can buy it for her house, she doesn't go there regularly enough to worry about it...it's the fact that she wants my child to eat sugar and junk food being well aware of the consequences. I know it's normal for grandparents to want to treat kids but why not a hoola hoop?? That was a good point...why does the treat have to be food? I am trying to teach my daughter good eating habits and exposing her to these treats are kinda disrespectful. She's aware of everything and refuses to change, I have a voice and its the reason why we don't get along.

V
But it's not grandma's responsibility to uphold your nutritional standards with your children and your own personal food addiction isn't her responsibility either. You say that your child doesn't go there regularly, so at this point her eating mounds of junk at grammy's isn't really the issue. When she gave you the $10 for processed, sugary treats you could have easily turned it down, or either given the money to your daughter directly, or used it to buy nutritional snacks like fresh fruit, veggies, and/or nuts. There were many options to go with and saying you "kinda had no choice" is a cop out. You absolutely did have a choice, and you chose to bring crap into your house.

Honestly while I definitely believe you have your daughter's best interest at heart, your posts are coming across like the issues with MIL are much deeper. Seems to be an ongoing battle of wills here. You also sound extremely unsteady in this battle with your food addiction and seem more afraid that YOU will fall under the spell of grammy's goodies, not just your 3 year old.

Grammy isn't on your diet. She's not responsible for upholding your diet. She's not responsible for helping you kick your own personal demons. She's just a grandmother who, like many, associates treats with love. It's always been that way and it always will be. Grammy probably thinks it's wrong that you're restricting your kids of all the little goodies that other grandkids get to enjoy. She might look at this lifestyle shift as stifling her from expressing her love to the kids in the traditional way she, and so many others, express their love; sweet treats. How you react to it is your personal business, but expecting an old woman to adopt your views for your family isn't fair.

Very good points and of course I am scared of failure and would rather her support than go against my wishes. Why should I have to adapt to her health standards with my own children?? She's not an old women lol..only early 50's

You don't have to adopt her standards with your own children. What's baffling is why do you feel like you must? Just because she offers, or tries to force sweets on you and your child, doesn't mean you have to take them.

So I guess the question is why do you ever buckle to MIL/grammy's pressure?

Sabotage is a strong word but I suspect there is indeed something passive aggressive going on in her behavior. Just speculating, but it's possible she feels judged and rejected that you and your husband are making choices that opt for healthier living than the way she raised her children.

I'd say the best thing to do is get this out of the shadows and into the open. Get hubby involved to initiate an open, respectful conversation. You have an opportunity to express your wishes clearly AND the "whys" of it in a way that makes it totally about your embrace of something positive and NOT a negative rejection of the way she wants to do things. It's not that candy and junk are evil and she's evil for feeding them to children, it's that other choices are GOOD and you want your daughter to associate positive reinforcement with healthy snacks and healthy choices.

Plus she has an opportunity to express her feelings -- which may be utterly different from what you expect -- in a way that may allow you to negotiate and find common ground around it. If she says she feels like your dietary restrictions shut her out of giving her grandchild (and her son, not for nothing) treats, educate her and negotiate on what kind of treats will fit both of your goals.

Be prepared however for a total lack of patience or sympathy with any argument on your part that is about your own willpower and your own diet. She will (not wrongly) expect you to take responsibility for your own willpower without "punishing" her grandchild or restricting her ability to treat her grandchild. MILs and DILs will never see eye to eye on that. I'd avoid that line of argument altogether if you want to keep it civil.

Sabotage is a strong word but I suspect there is indeed something passive aggressive going on in her behavior. Just speculating, but it's possible she feels judged and rejected that you and your husband are making choices that opt for healthier living than the way she raised her children.

I'd say the best thing to do is get this out of the shadows and into the open. Get hubby involved to initiate an open, respectful conversation. You have an opportunity to express your wishes clearly AND the "whys" of it in a way that makes it totally about your embrace of something positive and NOT a negative rejection of the way she wants to do things. It's not that candy and junk are evil and she's evil for feeding them to children, it's that other choices are GOOD and you want your daughter to associate positive reinforcement with healthy snacks and healthy choices.

Plus she has an opportunity to express her feelings -- which may be utterly different from what you expect -- in a way that may allow you to negotiate and find common ground around it. If she says she feels like your dietary restrictions shut her out of giving her grandchild (and her son, not for nothing) treats, educate her and negotiate on what kind of treats will fit both of your goals.

Be prepared however for a total lack of patience or sympathy with any argument on your part that is about your own willpower and your own diet. She will (not wrongly) expect you to take responsibility for your own willpower without "punishing" her grandchild or restricting her ability to treat her grandchild. MILs and DILs will never see eye to eye on that. I'd avoid that line of argument altogether if you want to keep it civil.

Yep!!! She IS in your life, and the "option" to cut her out is not really a viable option. She IS your husband's mother, and she IS your child's grandmother. Unless you are prepared for World War III, or possible divorce as you set your husband up to be torn between the mother he most likely loves and his wife, this is not an option. It also is not fair to your husband or your daughter. So, as she stated above (and I stated earlier), it is something that needs to be negotiated, quietly, and explained, and not as a power struggle. Thank her for thinking of your daughter. Thank her for loving your daughter so very much that she wants to shower her with "gifts". Then suggest, as I mentioned earlier, that the health issues for your child 's future are a major concern for you as a mom, and you want "the best" for your daughter, as you are SURE she does , as well. Make sure she understands that while your child may not be having all these "sweets" and "goodies" all around your home, you are making sure that it is a "healthy lifestyle", and "healthy, wholesome snacks and choices" that your daughter ALSO enjoys. Certainly, if she would like to give her something special, a

---

(fill in the blank), would be just perfect, and loved by your daughter, and you will be sure that your daughter knows that "Grammy" bought it for her and was thinking of her! "How wonderful it is that you love (fill in daughter's name) so very much!" The toys, hula hoops, jump ropes, and outdoor exercise stuff would be excellent choices to fill in the blank with, as would the healthy snacks "that my daughter just LOVES, and will mean even more to her knowing they are coming from you!" Make sure she understands that you appreciate her for caring about and loving your daughter so much. (even though she is expressing it in the wrong way - you just don't point that obvious fact out or she will be defensive and you get no where fast)

HOW you say it has a lot to do with how it will be RECEIVED. Trust me on this! I had to LIVE with an absolute "b....." of a MIL for 10 straight years before she passed away, and there is a way to do it that doesn't tear your family apart, and you still stay in charge of your child. Good luck, hon! ( Kill her with kindness! she won't know what hit her! )