Dealing with an unsupportive significant other

Great job on your lifestyle changes!!! Congratulations!!! As for your boyfriend, it's important to note that you can't change people, you can only change how you react to them.

Oh and if you want some extra support along the way feel free to add me I've been there with my husband and made it thru to the other side lol. he still doesn't have the motivation that i do and eats junk and when i have a weak day will give in with me but that is his choice to not workout. And he gives in now only because i claim pregnancy cravings

Tough one, I have to agree with ^^^. Married for 24 years here and I have come to the realization that my wonderful other half cant be EVERYTHING to me. is I need support in an area he doesn't "get" then I have to find what I need... like here is not a bad place to get that. He doesn't encourage me to exercise, but doesn't discourage me and he certainly does not exercise with me. I don't care if he wants to stop and eat fast food burgers, that is not something that tempts and even if it did, it is probably something I need to figure out how to deal with. The world is not going to stop the big drippy burger commercials just for me either.

I can say (just between us) ok and the rest of the world...... that I do find it encouraging when his reactions to me during intimate moments tell me he can tell a difference in the more "sportier" me and when I hear "dang honey, I don't know what you are doin, but you are looking mighty fine!". Biggest thing is I can tell a difference and I feel a difference, this is my motivation..

I'm guessing that until recently you and him shared a similar lifestyle and ate many of the same foods. It could be that he simply doesn't understand that you don't eat stuff like that anymore and you need to workout/go to the gym etc. If he has never struggled with his weight (lucky devil!) then he truly won't get it. It could also be that he is seeing you are finding stuff you love outside of your relationship and he finds that threatening. He might be (consciously or unconsciously) trying to bring you back to the relationship because he feels he might lose you to this 'new love' of healthy eating and working out.

You need to talk about this because the more he continues to do this, the more you may resent him/assume he's trying to sabotage you. Sit him down and have a chat - start by validating your relationship, explain how much you love him and how much you appreciate him trying to help by bringing you comfort food etc when you have a bad day. And that while his heart is in the right place, you don't eat stuff like that anymore and you would prefer to do a new thing when you feel bad (like work out, eat something healthier or something else). Don't accuse him of trying to sabotage you. Suggest that you make a 'date' night or regular time to sit down and watch a movie/veg out together (you need down time too!) but stress that this will not involve you eating junk food together. But stress that you will not cancel planned gym/workouts - that is YOUR time for yourself.

Make him understand that his shoving fast food in front of you and taunting you and forcing distractions is supportive and disrespectful.
If he still refuses to listen to you and won't support you by not shoving food in your face, cut off the sex completely. When he asks why, tell him you don't sleep with men who aren't supportive. And if that doesn't work, then dump him

^^ Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. If the guy's a PHENOMENAL boyfriend, as the OP stated, I doubt this is an evil-boyfriend sabotage attempt. Seems much more likely that he's trying, in what may be a ham-handed way, to send her a message that he loves her no matter what and thinks she's beautiful just the way she is. He thinks she's depriving herself of true chocolate-covered, deep-fried happiness all so she can be pretty and skinny for his sake. Betcha a buck on this.

OP, I agree with MrsRobertson and cwaters, and I would add this for your consideration: Tell him explicitly that you've made these lifestyle changes for YOU, because you feel better and healthier (and, ahem, sexier) this way. That you're not running yourself ragged out of insecurity about being "skinny enough" for him, but you just enjoy being fitter. That you love how he thinks of you and tries to make you feel happy, and you love spending time together with him, and none of what you're doing is BECAUSE of him (although you hope he enjoys the fringe benefits . Tell him that if you're down, you'd love it if he could help you take your mind off stuff by pulling you into doing something together that's active but fun and goofy; e.g., it's a one-on-one basketball game or heck, paintball or laser tag. And then figure out a time together that you can do something he'd really enjoy doing together -- even if it's something sedentary, because relationships matter too.

Yes! ^^

IME, trying to get a man to change rarely works. Actually, women too! So I guess people in general, only change when THEY want to, not when someone else wants them to. There might be tweaks here and there that they'll listen to, but change is hard for everyone. My husband is kind of the same way. What I really put my energy into was turning myself into the person that I wanted be rather than count on him to encourage me. Eventually, he noticed the change in me and started acting the exact way I wanted him to act all on his own. It was really annoying because I spent all that time asking him to do it and he never did! But I found support online, through friends, co-workers, neighbors. This is a great way to get support. I know it's lovely to think that our partners will be able to know exactly what we need and how much we need it, but a lot of the times that's exactly what they think they're doing. I've only been with my guy 5 years, but that's what I've come to realize with trying to change him. But hey! We're here for you! SUPPORT! SUPPORT! SUPPORT! :flowerforyou:

^^^totally agree

A few months ago, I noticed cubicle life was starting to get to me and I was gaining more weight than I would like. So I immediately made some lifestyle changes- bought a yoga class punch card, started walking more, started biking to work, spent more time at the gym, etc.
I also made significant changes to my diet. More veggies and whole grains, no fast food, less processed junk, etc.
It's working perfectly. I'm back where I was in college and have way more energy than I've had before.

The only problem is my boyfriend. He has a naturally fast metabolism and is skinny as a stick no matter what he puts in his mouth, and oh does he take advantage of that. He treats his stomach like a trash can.
The problem I have is that I work so hard, and I've told him to help me encourage my healthy habits. But he just can't seem to catch on. Every time I have a bad day, he brings me a huge sugary cupcake or chocolate bar or something (don't get me wrong- he is a PHENOMENAL boyfriend), always sticks his fast food french fries in my face repeatedly, offers me all of his junk food even after I push it away and tries to get me to cancel my fitness classes or set-aside gym time to spend time watching movies or doing nothing with him.

Don't get me wrong, I love him to death and he's great. But how can I get the message across that I really need him to support me in my healthier lifestyle?

Phenomenal great boyfriends don't do what he is doing. Phenomenal great boyfriends will support their SO's efforts. he may be clueless and not mean, and I'll take your word for it that he is a "great guy" but frankly I dont' see it. it's easy to be a great guy when you are hanging around the house watching a movie and being cuddly but it's more difficult when faced with issues or moments likes this.

as for what to do - well, what do you do now when he shoves fries in your face? or brings you cupcakes? if you eat them, after repeatedly saying "no" then he (just like a toddler or a teen) has learned that if he pushes enough, you will do what he wants. If you don't eat the garbage, then he (eventually) get the message. If you tell him once, very very firmly "honey, i love you , and I think it's sweet that you want to bring me treats, but i am not eating these cupcakes/fries and don't want them in the house. If you bring them again, they are going in the trash". and then follow up (pour bleach or somethign over them so you won't be tempted to eat them).

OP, dont take to heart what some other members are saying about your boyfriend, I particularly raised my eyebrows at the word "sabotage". Seriously, this guy has probably always supplied sweet treats on bad days, its what he thinks a girl wants when they are having a lousy day, and lets be honest girls it usually is!

My other half does the same thing, he wants to share food with me thats he created (he's a chef), share secret bags of sweeties, chocolates and naughty cheeses and wines just because that is what we have always done. Like my other half, your BF is probably more than a little worried about your sudden interest in wanting to be healthier, well what he's actually thinking is "OH MY GOD WHY IS SHE CHANGING HERSELF WHEN I LOVE HER JUST AS SHE IS??!!". He's probably feeling a smidge insecure, they really are delicate little creatures sometime.

I made a point of involving my other half in physical activities without labeling it as exercise, we go out for "romantic walks" on the canal, bike riding, oh and of course a whole lot of :blushing:

Just explain you are doing this to be healthier and so he can have an awesome hot girlfriend, dont exclude him and he will slowly come round, my boy now makes a point of cooking healthier for me.

Good luck xx

With guys, they tend to be clueless, and a guy who can eat anything and get away with it will understand even less. Sometimes it can be hard to be on track when you have a major lifestyle incompatibility. Make him understand that his shoving fast food in front of you and taunting you and forcing distractions is supportive and disrespectful.
If he still refuses to listen to you and won't support you by not shoving food in your face, cut off the sex completely. When he asks why, tell him you don't sleep with men who aren't supportive. And if that doesn't work, then dump him. He is "Not" a phenomenal boyfriend if he is sabotaging both your health and happiness. Men always pull crap like this and it's not okay to be ignored as a partner in the relationship.
He's probably ignoring you because he's not taking you seriously because he doesn't respect you in the relationship and because it's a problem he can't personally relate to, and therefore doesn't have that problem, so he doesn't care. When it impacts him personally , then he will care. So like I said, if he continues to disrespect you, pull the plug on the sex and affection and put your needs first. If he won't change, then you can't make him. Leave him for a fit and fab workout guy.

@ Christina: Wow, what a shallow way to look at relationships. I truly hope for your sake it is a phase and you can date a man who is exactly that.

If he's really wonderful, then probably either his mother, female relative or co-workers have said "if your SO is down in the dumps or feels she looks bad, its her hormones so she needs chocolate". You need to explain carefully that while you do love chocolate, you've found too much makes you feel bad.

If he's not someone who finds talking about feelings and stuff easy, just say "all that fast food and sugar really gives me bad "women problems" "and the subject won't come up again

As others have said, find ways to do fun activities together and arrange to watch TV/movies on your "rest days". if that's still not doing the job, find some nice lingerie in a catalogue and show him, saying "when I reach my goal I'm going to start wearing stuff like that ALL the time" - that should get him counting your crunches like a drill sergeant :laugh: