Dealing with an unsupportive significant other

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Replies

  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    If he's annoying you with the food pushing, ask him to stop. If he doesn't stop, then quit eating with him. Eventually, he'll get the picture.

    Otherwise, it sounds to me like you are whining about a guy who enjoys spending time with you and doing things that he assumes will make you happy. My advice is that you talk to him like an adult. Tell him what's bothering you and how he can help. Men like to be helpful if you just tell them what you need, in a calm, rational manner. Doing the chick flip-out thing will not help.
  • shaff1rm
    shaff1rm Posts: 39 Member
    Seems much more likely that he's trying, in what may be a ham-handed way, to send her a message that he loves her no matter what and thinks she's beautiful just the way she is. He thinks she's depriving herself of true chocolate-covered, deep-fried happiness all so she can be pretty and skinny for his sake. Betcha a buck on this.

    ^^It is very much this, I definitely agree. He tells me that he loves me how I am, and doesn't think I need to change, when I really am trying to be a healthier and better person for myself. And it's not so much that I'm trying to lose weight (I love myself how I am,) but I don't want to look at myself six months down the road and say, "whoa, where did this extra 20 pounds come from?" I'm all about maintaining my body. Easier to keep it in shape than get it back into shape. :)
  • shaff1rm
    shaff1rm Posts: 39 Member
    Thanks for a lot of the suggestions! I sat down with my boyfriend yesterday and firmly told him that I really need him to support me. Like a few of you mentioned, I think it is hard for him to understand because he can eat anything he wants and isn't affected in the slightest. I made a few suggestions, like, him bringing me fruit from the farmers market, or smoothies, or flowers, or a book rather than chocolate or ice cream, and suggested that if he's feeling lonely when I go to my work-outs, we can just go on a bike ride together. I'm also going to try a little harder to schedule my work-outs when he has prior commitments.

    Like I said, he is an absolute phenomenal boyfriend, and there's no way I'm dumping him just because he shoves his fries in my face and brings me home chocolate (seriously- a lot of girls would kill for a boyfriend like that), but he just doesn't see why I react to his gestures the way that I do.
  • sunman00
    sunman00 Posts: 872 Member
    my wife is also very thin & very fit, but she supports me like hell! protein dinners with veg & quinoa or something etc., lots of salad always in the fridge, no sodas or potato chips in the cupboard

    now, THAT's being a great partner, maybe you want to raise your bar a bit on that front? :flowerforyou:
  • Pangea250
    Pangea250 Posts: 965 Member
    Beyond telling him, flat out, there isn't much of any other way. I have seen many times that relationships get into a pattern where perhaps the "healthy" person gets very comfortable with the ways of the "unhealthy" person. This can be true with drinking, drugging, overeating, etc. The "healthy" person can undermine the "unhealthy" person because they are afraid of the unknown.

    Your boyfriend may be resistant to your changes because he doesn't know how to handle the new improved you. Give him time. But definitely let him know how you feel and that these changes are going to take place regardless.
  • radargab
    radargab Posts: 6 Member
    Very wise. In my experience he's behaving the way he does because he gets satisfaction from whatever reaction you're currently giving him.

    1. Next time he brings you a cupcake, chocolate bar, sweet thing... throw it out immediately in front of him. If this makes him pissed act like it's no big deal because duh he should know by now you don't want it. He's not a child; you don't have to pretend everything he does is valuable.

    2. He talks about canceling your classes just drop out of the conversation entirely. Even if it's obviously a tactic get up and go to the restroom mid-sentence of him mentioning it. He needs to learn to equate negative influence with you not being around.

    3. Do not make a big deal about him having a fast metabolism or stuffing himself with trash. Do not comment on it. Hell, pretend to not even notice it. If he tries to do something very obvious in front of you (like the fries), look at him like he's crazy and immature (because that's what it is).
  • mcdebbie
    mcdebbie Posts: 940 Member
    Thanks for a lot of the suggestions! I sat down with my boyfriend yesterday and firmly told him that I really need him to support me. Like a few of you mentioned, I think it is hard for him to understand because he can eat anything he wants and isn't affected in the slightest. I made a few suggestions, like, him bringing me fruit from the farmers market, or smoothies, or flowers, or a book rather than chocolate or ice cream, and suggested that if he's feeling lonely when I go to my work-outs, we can just go on a bike ride together. I'm also going to try a little harder to schedule my work-outs when he has prior commitments.

    Like I said, he is an absolute phenomenal boyfriend, and there's no way I'm dumping him just because he shoves his fries in my face and brings me home chocolate (seriously- a lot of girls would kill for a boyfriend like that), but he just doesn't see why I react to his gestures the way that I do.

    Perfect! I had the feeling that if he was bringing you treats and trying to share his food he was doing it because he cares about you. My DH does the same and it's still hard to break him of the habit BUT yesterday he brought home grapes and watermelon and I said "oh wow, great, those look delious." Try to look for the supportive things he does and react positively and he'll respond to that.
  • BurningAway
    BurningAway Posts: 279
    He sounds amazing, maybe instead of being so uptight about it you should think about how much stronger you are having to say no all the time. Your going to have the will power many people only hope for! Besides that a chocolate bar every once in awhile isnt going to make you fat overnight come on be realistic.

    If i were you id focus on how much he is trying to spend time with you and be sweet to you instead of how he is "unsupportive." Obviously he isnt because he isnt force feeding you ;)
  • Lone_Wolf70
    Lone_Wolf70 Posts: 2,820 Member
    u should probably get a secret bf who will support your food and keep your regular bf for everything else.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
    I think you will have the last laugh when he eats himself into an early grave with all that crap he's shovelling down his neck.

    Heart attacks are not confined to overweight people.

    You only get one go on the ride so don't waste it.

    don't get me wrong....but I don't think she wishes him DEAD....

    she just wants a little support...that's all
  • felicia_s
    felicia_s Posts: 47
    I don't agree with the majority of the responses. He loves you. For many of us love=food. He knows that sugary sweets are delicious and he is trying to make you happy.

    If I were you, I would tell him, "I love you baby. Thank you for being such an awesome boyfriend! (then kiss him and tell him). I made a list of delicious treats that I would love as rewards or pick-me-ups. If you want to treat me to something special, can you please give me one of the treats on my list? The things that you normally give me are delicious, but I want to try to avoid sugar as much as possible."

    You just need to be open and direct and give him other options. Acknowledge that you love him and appreciate his efforts and want him to continue loving you...just using different "goodies."

    Be happy (hugs)

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