Unsupportive Spouse

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christyh79
christyh79 Posts: 25 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Hey guys, I'm having a really hard time staying on track because my husband literally fights me every time I go workout. I've been in bootcamp at my gym since February and recently started personal training and have lost about 16 pounds and he's not so much as mentioned I look any better or that my loss is noticeable. I'm just wondering if anyone else deals with this, and how do you stay motivated when you've got someone bringing you down so much?

Thanks in advance.
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  • BrainyBurro
    BrainyBurro Posts: 6,129 Member
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    are you doing it for him or for you?

    why does other peoples' behavior affect your motivation?

    i think you need to ask those 2 questions to yourself.
  • christyh79
    christyh79 Posts: 25 Member
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    I'm doing it for me, but when you have a jealous, controlling spouse it makes it difficult to do anything for yourself. It's hard to want to workout when you have to fight every time you want to workout.
  • BrainyBurro
    BrainyBurro Posts: 6,129 Member
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    I'm doing it for me, but when you have a jealous, controlling spouse it makes it difficult to do anything for yourself. It's hard to want to workout when you have to fight every time you want to workout.

    i don't mean to be giving you a hard time, but threads like this one pop up on here every couple of days and the answer is always the same...

    1) nobody else controls what you eat
    2) nobody else controls what you do
    3) nobody else matters when it comes to why you are doing this

    it doesn't sound like your issue is with your spouse and your exercise, it sounds like you have a deeper relationship issue there and one of the ways it manifests itself is with his disapproval of your working out. i don't think a fitness site can help with relationship problems like that.

    however, when it comes to weight loss and fitness, you are in 100% control of yourself and nobody else can make you do anything you don't want to do or stop you from doing what you want to do... as long as you don't allow them to have that power over you.

    find a time to workout when you'll have minimum conflict with your spouse. e.g., very early in the mornings works well in the summer if you exercise outdoors, because it avoids the heat of mid-afternoon.
  • allshebe
    allshebe Posts: 423 Member
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    Perhaps he's afraid that if you look "better", "other males" might some how be more interested in you (and you in them). NOT logical, but jealous types, as you describe him may be "missing" logic in some areas. You'll have to decide what is more important to you. You CAN lose weight without going to exercise class, but if you accede to his control in this instance, will it affect your independence in the future (not a question I'm prepared to answer, but one you should probably consider)
  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,301 Member
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    This is a classic problem. Loved ones often don't want you to change. Or your new discipline makes them subconsciously feel like a slug, so they try to either sabotage your efforts..or just say nothing hoping it is just a "phase" and if no encouragement is given..you'll stop.

    Don't fall prey to that. Do this for yourself. TAke pictures of yourself and be your own cheerleader. If you are counting on other people to support you or you won't lose weight. you will fail. Do if for you..ignore him and don't depend on him for your success.
  • tinamarie014069
    tinamarie014069 Posts: 26
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    Maybe you can talk him into joining you in your work outs? Maybe he needs to lose and get healthy and he is jealous of your dedication? Have you told him how you feel? I live with my dad and when i first started dieting he would try to get me to eat all the time. I finally just had to tell him what his actions do to me and how important it is to me to stay focused and not eat all the junk food. He is more understanding now but sometimes tries to get me to eat and i just say "i cant eat that". Its hard for people who dont have a weight problem to understand what you are going through. Dont give up. Keep doing what youre doing. Talk to him. I wish you all the best and lots of success!
  • rajathwalharris
    rajathwalharris Posts: 101
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    get rid of him. It will be the easiest weight you ever lost.....sorry to be so blunt but no one has the right to bring you down!!!!!!
  • Ashbash1208
    Ashbash1208 Posts: 1
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    Perhaps he's afraid that if you look "better", "other males" might some how be more interested in you (and you in them). NOT logical, but jealous types, as you describe him may be "missing" logic in some areas. You'll have to decide what is more important to you. You CAN lose weight without going to exercise class, but if you accede to his control in this instance, will it affect your independence in the future (not a question I'm prepared to answer, but one you should probably consider)


    First off I want to say You look Great! Congrads on the hard work!!! I agree with what is quoted above, and I also want to let you know that my father went through similar circumstances. He lost 50 lbs while his wife of his three children had gone up from a size 0 to a size 12. She would always make snarky remarks about why did he need to workout, who was he trying to look good for, etc. Their solution was counseling. Now I understand your husband may not be up for that but there are clearly some other problems floating around that need to be anchored down and adjusted. My dad is, however, no longer married to this woman because all the other "problems" couldn't be resolved, but he was so glad they went to counseling. If that's too much for your husband then I would just encourage you to write down all the things that have been bothering you, and read the list off to him and calmly listen to his responses. Good luck, and Don't let anyone stop you from becoming a healthier you!!!
  • christyh79
    christyh79 Posts: 25 Member
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    I appreciate everyone's input, and I do try to get him to workout with me to try to keep the conflict down. I have talked to him over and over again, we get nowhere. I realize I do have complete control over my fitness and he does too, I believe that's why he can't stand it... It's just hard when my friends want to meet up to go run and I have to skip because of the fight it will cause. It's also embarrassing and not something I've told anyone except my trainer. I know this is an unhealthy relationship, but we're married with 3 kids and right now, I have to do what's best for them and that's to stay with him.
  • FearAnLoathingJ
    FearAnLoathingJ Posts: 337 Member
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    I'm doing it for me, but when you have a jealous, controlling spouse it makes it difficult to do anything for yourself. It's hard to want to workout when you have to fight every time you want to workout.

    If hes so jealous that you cant even go work out that's a problem that usually does not change. might be time to do some thinking on the relationship if you cant even go somewhere because of his issues.
  • jaksmom060567
    jaksmom060567 Posts: 26 Member
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    get rid of him. It will be the easiest weight you ever lost.....sorry to be so blunt but no one has the right to bring you down!!!!!!

    Thats how I dropped 500 pounds. I dropped to ex husbands!!!!:laugh:
  • christyh79
    christyh79 Posts: 25 Member
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    Thank you! He won't go to counseling, I've been on my own and she's the one who told me I need to start asserting my independence and finding hobbies that I enjoy. For 8 years, I've done nothing except take care of him and our kids. Maybe I should go back to her, but as you can imagine that was a fight also.
  • thisismeraw
    thisismeraw Posts: 1,264 Member
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    I know this is an unhealthy relationship, but we're married with 3 kids and right now, I have to do what's best for them and that's to stay with him.

    Why is staying the only option? Do you want your children to see a bad relationship and think that's how it should be? An unhealthy relationship is no place for children. My mother stayed because of my brother and I... she should of left.

    You can make it work on your own.

    Controlling spouses only get worse. Children learn by what they see.. I wouldn't want them to think that's normal. DO what's best for you and your children (which doesn't mean staying).
  • FearAnLoathingJ
    FearAnLoathingJ Posts: 337 Member
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    I appreciate everyone's input, and I do try to get him to workout with me to try to keep the conflict down. I have talked to him over and over again, we get nowhere. I realize I do have complete control over my fitness and he does too, I believe that's why he can't stand it... It's just hard when my friends want to meet up to go run and I have to skip because of the fight it will cause. It's also embarrassing and not something I've told anyone except my trainer. I know this is an unhealthy relationship, but we're married with 3 kids and right now, I have to do what's best for them and that's to stay with him.

    Do you really think its best for them? its making their earliest examples of a relationship one that is controlling,filled with jealousy,where their mother cant even go run with friends because of the fights it will cause. That's what they are going to think is normal. I have never seen a case where someone like that got better,only worse.
  • christyh79
    christyh79 Posts: 25 Member
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    get rid of him. It will be the easiest weight you ever lost.....sorry to be so blunt but no one has the right to bring you down!!!!!!


    I know :(
  • FearAnLoathingJ
    FearAnLoathingJ Posts: 337 Member
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    get rid of him. It will be the easiest weight you ever lost.....sorry to be so blunt but no one has the right to bring you down!!!!!!


    I know :(

    Its really something you should think about for your kids. Im not sure if you have a daughter,but would you want her in that kind of relationship?
  • christyh79
    christyh79 Posts: 25 Member
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    I guess I think it's better to stay with him because I've only been allowed to work part-time and I have no way to support us financially. I don't even know how I would afford rent anywhere.
  • jaksmom060567
    jaksmom060567 Posts: 26 Member
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    I appreciate everyone's input, and I do try to get him to workout with me to try to keep the conflict down. I have talked to him over and over again, we get nowhere. I realize I do have complete control over my fitness and he does too, I believe that's why he can't stand it... It's just hard when my friends want to meet up to go run and I have to skip because of the fight it will cause. It's also embarrassing and not something I've told anyone except my trainer. I know this is an unhealthy relationship, but we're married with 3 kids and right now, I have to do what's best for them and that's to stay with him.

    Actually, I was in your shoes with 3 kids and a husband that was verbally abusive. If you think staying in an unhealthy relationship is what is best for the kids. You are far from the truth. My children where just as miserable as me and more depressed my son even attempted suicide because of our fighting and unhealthy relationship. Since I broke away from that situation. I am so much happier and my children are enjoying the life they deserve.

    I am not saying to divorce him just reconsider your thinking that its what is best for the kids because it may not be just because you feel it is.
  • BrainyBurro
    BrainyBurro Posts: 6,129 Member
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    I guess I think it's better to stay with him because I've only been allowed to work part-time and I have no way to support us financially. I don't even know how I would afford rent anywhere.

    don't take relationship advice from people here. you've posted at most 1 paragraph describing your relationship from your perspective only and you're already being told to break up with your husband. this should be a huge red flag alerting you to how silly and uninformed the various relationship advice responses will be on here.
  • mackemom
    mackemom Posts: 277 Member
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    Divorce!? Come on, y'all! ;-) Just happily go about your business. That's all you can do. And WE all here will cheer you on! :wink:

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