Unsupportive Spouse

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24

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  • jaksmom060567
    jaksmom060567 Posts: 26 Member
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    I guess I think it's better to stay with him because I've only been allowed to work part-time and I have no way to support us financially. I don't even know how I would afford rent anywhere.

    How old are your kids?
  • LearnFromTheRed
    LearnFromTheRed Posts: 294 Member
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    ..or just say nothing hoping it is just a "phase" and if no encouragement is given..you'll stop.

    Don't fall prey to that. Do this for yourself. TAke pictures of yourself and be your own cheerleader.

    This. This is great advice. This is my mother. She did this with me this afternoon. But I'm still feeling proud of myself for going out running early this morning. I think I have finally got that what I do about my own health has nothing to do with her. Ugh! 'Finally'? I'm 32!
  • johnludwigvincent
    johnludwigvincent Posts: 2
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    I would keep this in mind! You are the one that needs to be happy with yourself, that should be all that matters! Keep up the great work because you are doing great!
  • christyh79
    christyh79 Posts: 25 Member
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    I appreciate everyone's input, and I do try to get him to workout with me to try to keep the conflict down. I have talked to him over and over again, we get nowhere. I realize I do have complete control over my fitness and he does too, I believe that's why he can't stand it... It's just hard when my friends want to meet up to go run and I have to skip because of the fight it will cause. It's also embarrassing and not something I've told anyone except my trainer. I know this is an unhealthy relationship, but we're married with 3 kids and right now, I have to do what's best for them and that's to stay with him.

    Actually, I was in your shoes with 3 kids and a husband that was verbally abusive. If you think staying in an unhealthy relationship is what is best for the kids. You are far from the truth. My children where just as miserable as me and more depressed my son even attempted suicide because of our fighting and unhealthy relationship. Since I broke away from that situation. I am so much happier and my children are enjoying the life they deserve.

    I am not saying to divorce him just reconsider your thinking that its what is best for the kids because it may not be just because you feel it is.



    I know divorce is inevitable, I just need to get in a place where I can financially provide for them on my own.
  • pheona76
    pheona76 Posts: 37
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    okay. I don't know if this will help and it will sound a little odd but here is something that works for me with my husband.

    And to be fair my husband is a great guy. He does not intentionally do things to bother or hurt me, but you know sometimes it happens.

    So, I once saw an episode of south park where the dog whisperer guy trains cartman and I actually took some lessons away.

    If someone is trying to get a rise out of you use your body language and actions to tell them they don't control you and only control themselves. They will change their behavior on their own.

    So, for example it takes two to fight. Don't fight. ignore negative behavior on his part like it didn't happen.

    If your friend calls for a run, and there is no other reason that it would be rude on your part. Just get ready and tell him in a polite unaffected tone you are going for a run. IF he tantrums don't reward him with the fight he is picking. Act like nothing happened. Get your water. Get your gear and just say okay I am going now in a pleasant happy tone and head out.

    Don't let his crazy affect you. Only respond to polite and appropriate behavior. If he wants to sit down and have a polite conversation on how you can balance your needs and his he will be rewarded with the reasonable conversation. But any bad behavior is ignored.

    Bottom line you know you are in control of your exercise and diet. Make sure he knows you are. And actions speak louder then words. Don't let yourself be sucked into destructive exchanges.

    Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
  • whisperer02
    whisperer02 Posts: 52
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    I work in a prison where the people there grew up in homes where they thought normal was to fight and argue. They turned to anything they could to try to mask their pain (drugs, alcohol, sex, etc). Now they sit there every day in therapy groups trying to find help in what is "normal in life". Children model what they see. I think you know your fights are not all over "exercising".
  • MadMonsterMom
    MadMonsterMom Posts: 20 Member
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    This sounds so familiar. My ex flat out told me he didn't want me to lose weight. I went from 135lbs to 230lbs after having 3 kids in 5 years. He was jealous and controlling as well. I couldn't do anything with my friends without him. I lost a lot of friends during that relationship. I thought it was best to stay with him for the kids, but I now realize that was not the answer. We have been separated now, pending finalization on our divorce, for 2 years. My life has improved drastically, which has reflected on my kids. They don't have to witness fights anymore. I've heard that it's a lot harder to divorce when the kids are older. That it causes more trauma for them. I'm no doctor or psychiatrist, that's just what I've heard. My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner (like, right after my youngest was born, cause I couldn't imagine a life without all my kids).
  • RunForChai
    RunForChai Posts: 238 Member
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    Okay Sister, this is serious. Get counseling. Call a battered women's shelter [controlling spouses often end up as batterers].
    Set your limits and stick to them.

    Here's a phrase:

    "Honey, I love you but I AM in charge of my body and I will work out. If you want to discuss it you are welcome to come to
    counseling with me, if not, the discussion is over BECAUSE I don't want to fight.

    Keep running.

    Please, be safe, your posts scare me--your husband sounds like he has problems beyond simply being unsupportive.

    Good luck.
  • crimsoncat
    crimsoncat Posts: 457 Member
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    .... I've only been allowed to work part-time and I have no way to support us financially....

    This particular sentence really disturbs me. Your use of the word "allowed" makes me very worried for you. I am concerned that this is a purposeful attempt to keep you trapped in an abusive cycle by depriving you of any money which would allow you to escape.

    I think you should read this:

    According to the U.S. Department of Justice, domestic violence may include:

    Physical abuse such as slapping, kicking, hitting, shoving, or other physical force.
    Sexual abuse including rape, sexual assault, forced prostitution, or interfering with birth control.
    Emotional abuse such as shouting, name-calling, humiliation, constant criticism, or harming the victim’s relationship with her or his children.
    Psychological abuse including threats to harm the victims' family, friends, children, co-workers, or pets, isolation, mind games, destruction of victims' property, or stalking.
    Economic abuse such as controlling the victim’s money, withholding money for basic needs, interfering with school or job, or damaging the victim’s credit.
    Several or all of the above forms of violence and abuse may take place.

    http://www.safehorizon.org/index/what-we-do-2/domestic-violence--abuse-53.html

    Hotline Phone Numbers
    Domestic Violence Hotline:
    800.621.HOPE (4673)

    Crime Victims Hotline:
    866.689.HELP (4357)

    Rape & Sexual Assault Hotline:
    212.227.3000

    TDD phone number for all hotlines:
    866.604.5350

    My point is, if he is doing this on purpose and if stay with him and you'll likely NEVER have the money to leave him (as per his plans).

    Please think through your relationship very carefully. I agree that we're all armchair abuse counselors, but you may have a very real problem on your hands.
  • thisismeraw
    thisismeraw Posts: 1,264 Member
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    I guess I think it's better to stay with him because I've only been allowed to work part-time and I have no way to support us financially. I don't even know how I would afford rent anywhere.

    don't take relationship advice from people here. you've posted at most 1 paragraph describing your relationship from your perspective only and you're already being told to break up with your husband. this should be a huge red flag alerting you to how silly and uninformed the various relationship advice responses will be on here.

    You're right that we don't know the whole story... but (as she said it herself) her spouse being controlling, not wanting her to go for a run with her friends or go to the gym, her being too afraid to tell him she's going for a run because she knows it will make him mad, him only "allowing" her to have a part time job, etc are all signs of a wrong relationship. A controlling spouse only gets worse... along with the fact that she feels staying is her only option because of the children. A good spouse is encouraging. A good spouse supports you and cheers you on.

    Children should not have to see that behaviour. They only look at it and think that is what a normal relationship should be when we all know it shouldn't.

    OP, you said you needed to be in a place to support you and your children on your own... what about staying with a friend, family member? Until you can get a place of your own. Go out and look for a full time job .. or another part time job... whatever you need to do to get out and support yourself and your children.

    In the meantime, don't fight with him. Simply tell him you will speak with him when he's not yelling at you. Calmly tell him you're going for a run, going to the gym, etc and than just leave. Don't fight with him.
  • JanetP124
    JanetP124 Posts: 50 Member
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    I have no easy answers here because there is no way anybody on a message board can have a complete picture of your marriage and home life.

    I can tell you that my husband is a great guy and reading your posts the first thing I've wondered is if your kids are of an age where their supervision is an issue. Boot Camp + Personal Training + Going out for a run is a LOT of time where you are off working on your individual goal and the supervision of the kids is perhaps left to somebody else. Also, you are committing all of this time to your health, how much time are you committing to the marriage?

    If it is always your husband who gets the kids while you are doing these things and then your relationship with him is always put in the lowest priority category, then you might need to evaluate or more fair and equitable arrangement.
  • afvmedia
    afvmedia Posts: 2
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    ....
  • afvmedia
    afvmedia Posts: 2
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    okay. I don't know if this will help and it will sound a little odd but here is something that works for me with my husband.

    And to be fair my husband is a great guy. He does not intentionally do things to bother or hurt me, but you know sometimes it happens.

    So, I once saw an episode of south park where the dog whisperer guy trains cartman and I actually took some lessons away.

    If someone is trying to get a rise out of you use your body language and actions to tell them they don't control you and only control themselves. They will change their behavior on their own.
    So, for example it takes two to fight. Don't fight. ignore negative behavior on his part like it didn't happen.

    If your friend calls for a run, and there is no other reason that it would be rude on your part. Just get ready and tell him in a polite unaffected tone you are going for a run. IF he tantrums don't reward him with the fight he is picking. Act like nothing happened. Get your water. Get your gear and just say okay I am going now in a pleasant happy tone and head out.

    Don't let his crazy affect you. Only respond to polite and appropriate behavior. If he wants to sit down and have a polite conversation on how you can balance your needs and his he will be rewarded with the reasonable conversation. But any bad behavior is ignored.

    Bottom line you know you are in control of your exercise and diet. Make sure he knows you are. And actions speak louder then words. Don't let yourself be sucked into destructive exchanges.

    Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.



    This was the ABSOLUTE BEST ADVICE on this entire page. People do what you LET THEM DO. If you LET HIM control the situation, he will. If you stop fueling him, he will stop... and if he resorts to putting his hands on you, or demanding you do something by getting physical.... THEN it's time to go. But not before....
  • unmitigatedbadassery
    unmitigatedbadassery Posts: 653 Member
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    I've been there. I understand how difficult it is. Here's what happened to me:

    My ex (notice she's an EX now) was insanely unsupportive. She knew full well what my goals were - we actually started together on MFP - and she knew what I needed to do in order to reach them. For a few weeks things were great, we motivated one another. Then, she stopped giving a damn. She would buy all types of junk no matter how many times I asked her not to. She even flat out told me I couldn't do it once or twice.

    When I would go work out, she'd hold it against me. She's make me feel terrible about how I had "all this free time" and she was stuck watching our son. I tried to get her involved, I even had her mother offer to watch the kid so we could workout together a couple times a week. No bueno.

    I used that fire that was burning in me, the flame of anger that welled up because of her to drive my efforts. Her unsupportive attitude was the motivation that caused me to lose 100+lbs.

    Good luck to you, I know it sucks.
  • morticia16
    morticia16 Posts: 230 Member
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    This is more an area for relationship specialists.

    But in general: do what makes YOU happy. It's not selfish, it's the only way to succeed with anything in life.
  • unmitigatedbadassery
    unmitigatedbadassery Posts: 653 Member
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    I'd like to add that I see a ton of replies almost blaming the OP for "letting" this kind of thing happen. Really? SMH.
  • Buddhasmiracle
    Buddhasmiracle Posts: 925 Member
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    I'm doing it for me, but when you have a jealous, controlling spouse it makes it difficult to do anything for yourself. It's hard to want to workout when you have to fight every time you want to workout.

    i don't mean to be giving you a hard time, but threads like this one pop up on here every couple of days and the answer is always the same...

    1) nobody else controls what you eat
    2) nobody else controls what you do
    3) nobody else matters when it comes to why you are doing this

    it doesn't sound like your issue is with your spouse and your exercise, it sounds like you have a deeper relationship issue there and one of the ways it manifests itself is with his disapproval of your working out. i don't think a fitness site can help with relationship problems like that.

    however, when it comes to weight loss and fitness, you are in 100% control of yourself and nobody else can make you do anything you don't want to do or stop you from doing what you want to do... as long as you don't allow them to have that power over you.

    find a time to workout when you'll have minimum conflict with your spouse. e.g., very early in the mornings works well in the summer if you exercise outdoors, because it avoids the heat of mid-afternoon.

    I agree with Brainyburro's assessment and recommendations. Underlying Spousal/significant other issues appear manifest themselves when one partner is changing. And the issues have nothing to do with fitness or weight goal efforts.
  • fyoufat
    fyoufat Posts: 85
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    I am trying to lose over 100 pounds and feel like I have an unsupportive husband. He doesn't try to sabotage me but he doesn't give me support either and pretty much ignores my efforts and results. I have tried talking to him but it hasn't gotten much better. It honestly has created a lot of problems for me, but because he is generally a good and sweet husband and father and I love him I am just dealing with it right now. You have to try to fix the problem by communicating and if that doesn't really work (like my case lol) then you have to weigh out is it worth staying with him or not. If it is then just use this frustration to get to your goal. If it isn't them maybe think about your other options. You only have one life dont waste it on an *kitten*!
  • christyh79
    christyh79 Posts: 25 Member
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    okay. I don't know if this will help and it will sound a little odd but here is something that works for me with my husband.

    And to be fair my husband is a great guy. He does not intentionally do things to bother or hurt me, but you know sometimes it happens.

    So, I once saw an episode of south park where the dog whisperer guy trains cartman and I actually took some lessons away.

    If someone is trying to get a rise out of you use your body language and actions to tell them they don't control you and only control themselves. They will change their behavior on their own.

    So, for example it takes two to fight. Don't fight. ignore negative behavior on his part like it didn't happen.

    If your friend calls for a run, and there is no other reason that it would be rude on your part. Just get ready and tell him in a polite unaffected tone you are going for a run. IF he tantrums don't reward him with the fight he is picking. Act like nothing happened. Get your water. Get your gear and just say okay I am going now in a pleasant happy tone and head out.

    Don't let his crazy affect you. Only respond to polite and appropriate behavior. If he wants to sit down and have a polite conversation on how you can balance your needs and his he will be rewarded with the reasonable conversation. But any bad behavior is ignored.

    Bottom line you know you are in control of your exercise and diet. Make sure he knows you are. And actions speak louder then words. Don't let yourself be sucked into destructive exchanges.

    Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

    [/quote




    Thank you omg I love this.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
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    I appreciate everyone's input, and I do try to get him to workout with me to try to keep the conflict down. I have talked to him over and over again, we get nowhere. I realize I do have complete control over my fitness and he does too, I believe that's why he can't stand it... It's just hard when my friends want to meet up to go run and I have to skip because of the fight it will cause. It's also embarrassing and not something I've told anyone except my trainer. I know this is an unhealthy relationship, but we're married with 3 kids and right now, I have to do what's best for them and that's to stay with him.
    your kids seeing how he treats you as their role model relationship is best for them?

    if your kids end up being emotionally abused or emotionally abusive, will you have been partly to blame? my daughter's grades went up when me & my ex were no longer in a toxic relationship, so it's pretty clear what it was doing to her. when people claim they stay for the kids, i can't help but think they use the kids as an excuse and they stay because they're scared of change.

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