Unsupportive Spouse
Replies
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I have no easy answers here because there is no way anybody on a message board can have a complete picture of your marriage and home life.
I can tell you that my husband is a great guy and reading your posts the first thing I've wondered is if your kids are of an age where their supervision is an issue. Boot Camp + Personal Training + Going out for a run is a LOT of time where you are off working on your individual goal and the supervision of the kids is perhaps left to somebody else. Also, you are committing all of this time to your health, how much time are you committing to the marriage?
If it is always your husband who gets the kids while you are doing these things and then your relationship with him is always put in the lowest priority category, then you might need to evaluate or more fair and equitable arrangement.0 -
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okay. I don't know if this will help and it will sound a little odd but here is something that works for me with my husband.
And to be fair my husband is a great guy. He does not intentionally do things to bother or hurt me, but you know sometimes it happens.
So, I once saw an episode of south park where the dog whisperer guy trains cartman and I actually took some lessons away.
If someone is trying to get a rise out of you use your body language and actions to tell them they don't control you and only control themselves. They will change their behavior on their own.
So, for example it takes two to fight. Don't fight. ignore negative behavior on his part like it didn't happen.
If your friend calls for a run, and there is no other reason that it would be rude on your part. Just get ready and tell him in a polite unaffected tone you are going for a run. IF he tantrums don't reward him with the fight he is picking. Act like nothing happened. Get your water. Get your gear and just say okay I am going now in a pleasant happy tone and head out.
Don't let his crazy affect you. Only respond to polite and appropriate behavior. If he wants to sit down and have a polite conversation on how you can balance your needs and his he will be rewarded with the reasonable conversation. But any bad behavior is ignored.
Bottom line you know you are in control of your exercise and diet. Make sure he knows you are. And actions speak louder then words. Don't let yourself be sucked into destructive exchanges.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
This was the ABSOLUTE BEST ADVICE on this entire page. People do what you LET THEM DO. If you LET HIM control the situation, he will. If you stop fueling him, he will stop... and if he resorts to putting his hands on you, or demanding you do something by getting physical.... THEN it's time to go. But not before....0 -
I've been there. I understand how difficult it is. Here's what happened to me:
My ex (notice she's an EX now) was insanely unsupportive. She knew full well what my goals were - we actually started together on MFP - and she knew what I needed to do in order to reach them. For a few weeks things were great, we motivated one another. Then, she stopped giving a damn. She would buy all types of junk no matter how many times I asked her not to. She even flat out told me I couldn't do it once or twice.
When I would go work out, she'd hold it against me. She's make me feel terrible about how I had "all this free time" and she was stuck watching our son. I tried to get her involved, I even had her mother offer to watch the kid so we could workout together a couple times a week. No bueno.
I used that fire that was burning in me, the flame of anger that welled up because of her to drive my efforts. Her unsupportive attitude was the motivation that caused me to lose 100+lbs.
Good luck to you, I know it sucks.0 -
This is more an area for relationship specialists.
But in general: do what makes YOU happy. It's not selfish, it's the only way to succeed with anything in life.0 -
I'd like to add that I see a ton of replies almost blaming the OP for "letting" this kind of thing happen. Really? SMH.0
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I'm doing it for me, but when you have a jealous, controlling spouse it makes it difficult to do anything for yourself. It's hard to want to workout when you have to fight every time you want to workout.
i don't mean to be giving you a hard time, but threads like this one pop up on here every couple of days and the answer is always the same...
1) nobody else controls what you eat
2) nobody else controls what you do
3) nobody else matters when it comes to why you are doing this
it doesn't sound like your issue is with your spouse and your exercise, it sounds like you have a deeper relationship issue there and one of the ways it manifests itself is with his disapproval of your working out. i don't think a fitness site can help with relationship problems like that.
however, when it comes to weight loss and fitness, you are in 100% control of yourself and nobody else can make you do anything you don't want to do or stop you from doing what you want to do... as long as you don't allow them to have that power over you.
find a time to workout when you'll have minimum conflict with your spouse. e.g., very early in the mornings works well in the summer if you exercise outdoors, because it avoids the heat of mid-afternoon.
I agree with Brainyburro's assessment and recommendations. Underlying Spousal/significant other issues appear manifest themselves when one partner is changing. And the issues have nothing to do with fitness or weight goal efforts.0 -
I am trying to lose over 100 pounds and feel like I have an unsupportive husband. He doesn't try to sabotage me but he doesn't give me support either and pretty much ignores my efforts and results. I have tried talking to him but it hasn't gotten much better. It honestly has created a lot of problems for me, but because he is generally a good and sweet husband and father and I love him I am just dealing with it right now. You have to try to fix the problem by communicating and if that doesn't really work (like my case lol) then you have to weigh out is it worth staying with him or not. If it is then just use this frustration to get to your goal. If it isn't them maybe think about your other options. You only have one life dont waste it on an *kitten*!0
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okay. I don't know if this will help and it will sound a little odd but here is something that works for me with my husband.
And to be fair my husband is a great guy. He does not intentionally do things to bother or hurt me, but you know sometimes it happens.
So, I once saw an episode of south park where the dog whisperer guy trains cartman and I actually took some lessons away.
If someone is trying to get a rise out of you use your body language and actions to tell them they don't control you and only control themselves. They will change their behavior on their own.
So, for example it takes two to fight. Don't fight. ignore negative behavior on his part like it didn't happen.
If your friend calls for a run, and there is no other reason that it would be rude on your part. Just get ready and tell him in a polite unaffected tone you are going for a run. IF he tantrums don't reward him with the fight he is picking. Act like nothing happened. Get your water. Get your gear and just say okay I am going now in a pleasant happy tone and head out.
Don't let his crazy affect you. Only respond to polite and appropriate behavior. If he wants to sit down and have a polite conversation on how you can balance your needs and his he will be rewarded with the reasonable conversation. But any bad behavior is ignored.
Bottom line you know you are in control of your exercise and diet. Make sure he knows you are. And actions speak louder then words. Don't let yourself be sucked into destructive exchanges.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
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Thank you omg I love this.0 -
your kids seeing how he treats you as their role model relationship is best for them?I appreciate everyone's input, and I do try to get him to workout with me to try to keep the conflict down. I have talked to him over and over again, we get nowhere. I realize I do have complete control over my fitness and he does too, I believe that's why he can't stand it... It's just hard when my friends want to meet up to go run and I have to skip because of the fight it will cause. It's also embarrassing and not something I've told anyone except my trainer. I know this is an unhealthy relationship, but we're married with 3 kids and right now, I have to do what's best for them and that's to stay with him.
if your kids end up being emotionally abused or emotionally abusive, will you have been partly to blame? my daughter's grades went up when me & my ex were no longer in a toxic relationship, so it's pretty clear what it was doing to her. when people claim they stay for the kids, i can't help but think they use the kids as an excuse and they stay because they're scared of change.0 -
I have no easy answers here because there is no way anybody on a message board can have a complete picture of your marriage and home life.
I can tell you that my husband is a great guy and reading your posts the first thing I've wondered is if your kids are of an age where their supervision is an issue. Boot Camp + Personal Training + Going out for a run is a LOT of time where you are off working on your individual goal and the supervision of the kids is perhaps left to somebody else. Also, you are committing all of this time to your health, how much time are you committing to the marriage?
If it is always your husband who gets the kids while you are doing these things and then your relationship with him is always put in the lowest priority category, then you might need to evaluate or more fair and equitable arrangement.
My gym offers childcare, so my kids are with me during all of my gym time. I no longer do bootcamp, just personal training 30 minutes per week. I quit bootcamp when I started training. I workout 1 hour per day 5-6 days per week. I'm normally always home by the time he gets off of work. And my husband races, so I keep the kids all day and the 4 or 5 nights a week he's out till 11 or 12 and race nights it's till 2 a.m.0 -
I've been there. I understand how difficult it is. Here's what happened to me:
My ex (notice she's an EX now) was insanely unsupportive. She knew full well what my goals were - we actually started together on MFP - and she knew what I needed to do in order to reach them. For a few weeks things were great, we motivated one another. Then, she stopped giving a damn. She would buy all types of junk no matter how many times I asked her not to. She even flat out told me I couldn't do it once or twice.
When I would go work out, she'd hold it against me. She's make me feel terrible about how I had "all this free time" and she was stuck watching our son. I tried to get her involved, I even had her mother offer to watch the kid so we could workout together a couple times a week. No bueno.
I used that fire that was burning in me, the flame of anger that welled up because of her to drive my efforts. Her unsupportive attitude was the motivation that caused me to lose 100+lbs.
Good luck to you, I know it sucks.
First off, congrats! It's amazing that you've done such an awesome job!!! My husband does that with the food also, he buys crap and gets mad at me for not eating it. He wants to go to fast food restaurants and I ask to stop somewhere different for a salad and he gets mad.
Most of the time, I'm able to go to the gym upset from our arguments or dreading what he's going to act like when I get home, and after working out I feel so much better. Some days I just let it get me down. Thanks for the help
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My mother, who's now 90, stayed with the SOB. She and we kids are still trying to recover. Go for counseling NOW. This will not get better from you caving in to avoid fights. It still gives me a stomach ache to think about it and I'm in my 60s and he's been dead for 8 years. Since your husband is incapable of behaving like an adult, you have to, for your kid's sake if not for your own.
Every time there was a supposedly happy occasion in our family, my father picked a fight. Why? So he could be the center of attention. The behavior patterns I learned as a child and your child is learning now are totally disfunctional. Get counseling NOW for you and your child!
You have said you don't think you can do this on your own. Call the local women's shelter and ask for advice. Even if he never hits you, he is abusing you and they will have information about resources to help. The local public library is also likely to have a list of local resources.0 -
My point is, if he is doing this on purpose and if stay with him and you'll likely NEVER have the money to leave him (as per his plans).
Please think through your relationship very carefully. I agree that we're all armchair abuse counselors, but you may have a very real problem on your hands.
Thank you for your concern and so far he's never put his hands on me, but I have been afraid before. I am going to enroll in our technical college this week and hopefully will start classes in the fall. I've got to make sure I can provide for my kids before I completely destroy their lives.0 -
Would it really be destroying your lives if you are saving them from an *kitten*? You would be the hero in my eyes.:)0
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Since I don't know you or your husband and have no idea how honest your description of him is I won't comment. I will tell you this is the worst place to come to for relationship advice. The people on here are divorce happy and they have no emotional ties to your family so please seek a proper counselor and ignore the "advice" from random divorce happy strangers on a fitness site.0
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Would it really be destroying your lives if you are saving them from an *kitten*? You would be the hero in my eyes.:)
Thanks, right now I feel like It's better for me to stay because I am with my kids and can take care of them. If I leave, he automatically gets every other weekend and they'll be alone with him and if it's not me he's mad at, he'll find something else.0 -
Each of us has at least one close person trying to sabotage our path to a smaller weight and healthier life. If you divorce your hubby now, someone ELSE will start bugging you. Try talk to him or get couceling. He's not so much jealous as he is afraid of change your new image and selfconfidence will bring to your marriage.0
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there was a lot of tension when I first committed to working out.to solve the issue I just make sure I make time for him and my time doesn't go to working out0
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I guess I think it's better to stay with him because I've only been allowed to work part-time and I have no way to support us financially. I don't even know how I would afford rent anywhere.
This comment is particularly alarming to me. The fact that he needs to approve everything you do is a huge red flag. Perhaps it is time for you to consider all of your options. Obviously, just leaving would have great financial and emotional implications for both you and your children. You have to ask yourself if this is the type of relationship you want and if it is worth saving. Also, if you have daughters, do you want them seeing their male role model as someone who is controlling? And if you have sons, do you want them to see that males are supposed to control females? If not, then you really should push for counseling. I know you mentioned that he refused before, but let him know that you are serious about it and that it will benefit both of you in the long run. Basically, make it a non-negotiable.
Your significant other should be one that supports you in healthy endeavors. Hopefully he will agree to enter counseling after some convincing. Otherwise, as I mentioned earlier, it might be wise to explore what all of your options are.0 -
okay. I don't know if this will help and it will sound a little odd but here is something that works for me with my husband.
And to be fair my husband is a great guy. He does not intentionally do things to bother or hurt me, but you know sometimes it happens.
So, I once saw an episode of south park where the dog whisperer guy trains cartman and I actually took some lessons away.
If someone is trying to get a rise out of you use your body language and actions to tell them they don't control you and only control themselves. They will change their behavior on their own.
So, for example it takes two to fight. Don't fight. ignore negative behavior on his part like it didn't happen.
If your friend calls for a run, and there is no other reason that it would be rude on your part. Just get ready and tell him in a polite unaffected tone you are going for a run. IF he tantrums don't reward him with the fight he is picking. Act like nothing happened. Get your water. Get your gear and just say okay I am going now in a pleasant happy tone and head out.
Don't let his crazy affect you. Only respond to polite and appropriate behavior. If he wants to sit down and have a polite conversation on how you can balance your needs and his he will be rewarded with the reasonable conversation. But any bad behavior is ignored.
Bottom line you know you are in control of your exercise and diet. Make sure he knows you are. And actions speak louder then words. Don't let yourself be sucked into destructive exchanges.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
I also agree this was well said.0 -
I have kind of the same problem. My spouse isn't completely unsupportive, just indifferent. I had to start waking up an hour early and working out in the morning before I leave for work because he refuses to watch her so I can exercise while she's awake. I still have to buy him junk food and try not to eat it myself. But who cares about him? I get enough satisfaction by how I look and what other people say about me. He just happens to have a big penis and pay half the bills. 0
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I totally understand your situation...do not rush into any major changes....the folks giving you feedback are not experts and you have to decide what is best for you and your children. caramelgyrlk aid it best below.........0
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okay. I don't know if this will help and it will sound a little odd but here is something that works for me with my husband.
And to be fair my husband is a great guy. He does not intentionally do things to bother or hurt me, but you know sometimes it happens.
So, I once saw an episode of south park where the dog whisperer guy trains cartman and I actually took some lessons away.
If someone is trying to get a rise out of you use your body language and actions to tell them they don't control you and only control themselves. They will change their behavior on their own.
So, for example it takes two to fight. Don't fight. ignore negative behavior on his part like it didn't happen.
If your friend calls for a run, and there is no other reason that it would be rude on your part. Just get ready and tell him in a polite unaffected tone you are going for a run. IF he tantrums don't reward him with the fight he is picking. Act like nothing happened. Get your water. Get your gear and just say okay I am going now in a pleasant happy tone and head out.
Don't let his crazy affect you. Only respond to polite and appropriate behavior. If he wants to sit down and have a polite conversation on how you can balance your needs and his he will be rewarded with the reasonable conversation. But any bad behavior is ignored.
Bottom line you know you are in control of your exercise and diet. Make sure he knows you are. And actions speak louder then words. Don't let yourself be sucked into destructive exchanges.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
This is AMAZING advice!0 -
Just keep doing what you are doing, for yourself. He will either hope on board once he see's how awesome you look or he wont'. No one knows how long we get to live , don't waste the time you have0
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This is a classic problem. Loved ones often don't want you to change. Or your new discipline makes them subconsciously feel like a slug, so they try to either sabotage your efforts..or just say nothing hoping it is just a "phase" and if no encouragement is given..you'll stop.
This is my husband to a T!!!
You are not alone. Just know that you are not alone.0 -
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I totally agree with you .. You brainy burro!0
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Some peolple don't like change. Is he being a jerk or just insensitive. Explain to him what and why you are doing it. My husband was the same way. Now he sees I am healthier and happier. Sometimes it takes husbands a while to catch on. If he is abusive and a total jerk then you should get counseling. Just take care of yourself and be safe. We all have things we can and cant tolerate. Its different for everyone so don't let anyone decide for you. As long as hes not abusive then he has common sense and you can reason with him. Good luck0
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You're really not doing your kids any favors by keeping them stuck in a place where they're learning that this kind of unhealthy interaction is what a marriage is about.
If he's really that bad, courts can be convinced to mandate supervised visitation.
Only being "allowed" to work part-time is a huge red flag, you must see that. If he has not put his hands on you but makes you afraid, I guarantee your children are afraid. Not to put too fine a point on it, but you are legally and morally obliged to protect them from that. A shelter can help put you in touch with the resources to help you get established on your own. They can help you get your own place, with job training and placement, access to counseling resources (for you and your children), and finding affordable legal aid.
What about extended family? Will your children's grandparents and extended family (on both sides) be there to help them? I know mine were, and I probably would not have had the basic necessities of life if not without my grandparents, aunts and uncles, great aunts and uncles, etc. (even before my parents split up).
You need to take care of you, not just to lose weight and get in shape, but because your life has problems that go beyond fitness and weight loss.
I also suggest changing ALL your computer passwords, making sure that you don't have your browser save them, and clearing your history. The Internet adds a whole new level of danger in controlling relationships. Please be safe.0
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