Unsupportive Spouse

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Replies

  • mdarrall
    mdarrall Posts: 8 Member
    Hey guys, I'm having a really hard time staying on track because my husband literally fights me every time I go workout. I've been in bootcamp at my gym since February and recently started personal training and have lost about 16 pounds and he's not so much as mentioned I look any better or that my loss is noticeable. I'm just wondering if anyone else deals with this, and how do you stay motivated when you've got someone bringing you down so much?

    Thanks in advance.

    First off, congratulations, not only on your progress but your wanting to press on despite the bad vibe.

    You didn't clarify, is he actively opposing your effort or is he passively not noticing / not complimenting you? These would have different responses. Do you literally have arguments, as in, "I'm headed to the gym..." "NO - I want you to stay here!" or do you just get nothing?

    WHY he's resisting doesn't matter. That's his issue. But if he cares enough about you, he'll at LEAST stay out of your way and at BEST be right beside you the entire way, helping you any way you want.

    If he's passively not supporting you, just ignore it and press on. Maybe he's not sensitive to your wanting his support. A little of this is on you - you don't NEED his support to achieve your goals (though it sure makes it nice!).

    If he is actively opposing you, well, that requires a whole 'nuther level of effort on your part, and maybe even professional help. Have you tried to have a conversation with him about this? Even if his reasons are on him, his perceptions are important:

    * Might he feel you're neglecting your family obligations? Or conversely, unfairly leaving him to deal with the house and kids?
    * Is your trainer male or female?
    * Is he not where you're at fitness-wise and jealous?

    If you know some of these things, you can start to work through them. I'm not saying any of those are justified, but it's how people react. I've been there myself.

    I've lost 116 pounds since 1997, over 60 pounds since 2010, 30 of those in the past year. I'm finally a normal weight for my size. I've heard everything from "You look amazing! Keep going!" from my friends to, "You're so skinny!" from my mom and sister, to "You look unhealthy and sick" - from my wife and son. Yeah, it took me a while to get over that one, but I never once let it slow me down.

    My friends have been great about supporting and pushing me and making me realize I ALWAYS have choices. They may not always be attractive choices, but they're there. I can choose to let others dictate what I do, I can choose to negotiate with them, or I can choose to ignore them and pursue my goals despite what they do and say. I've finally gotten to the point where someone trying to hold me back just makes me more motivated. The worst thing you can do is tell me "no." :-)

    Tell yourself YES! GO!

    Good luck!
  • SWilliams81502
    SWilliams81502 Posts: 1
    I completely understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend wants me to lose weight, but when I say I'm going to the gym, he gets so upset. Or he'll tell me I need to get on the treadmill at home. Well, I did get the treadmill to do my cardio more at home, I found myself to be more lazy and not exercise, so I go to the gym more. Only thing it does is creative a huge argument.
    Hun, you do you! If you are not happy with yourself first, it will show all over you and you will be miserable. He may not say anything, but you know it, and I am pretty sure everyone else around you notices it. My boyfriend doesn't say ANYTHING either... but I get compliments all the time from others which is good. It would feel better if it came from the person I am with, but since I know that isn't going to happen...it'll have to do for now. Good luck, to you and your journey!
  • christyh79
    christyh79 Posts: 25 Member
    I honestly do appreciate all of these replies, it has really helped me out this morning and I needed it. He is not indifferent, he tries to stop me from leaving or starts an argument when I get home from the gym. He has made it so bad that I don't exercise at all on weekends because he's home.

    I try not to argue with him, I try to explain that my entire family is obese and I've got to be careful or that will be me within a few years. He does not care, he doesn't want me to leave the house without him. He honestly is a sick person, but will not get help. I am working on going to school to support my kids, but that is causing problems I wouldn't even want to get into on here. Thank you all again for your support.
  • michelledfoster
    michelledfoster Posts: 22
    I have a similar situation with my mother. I have determined that her negative and hurtful comments stem from her complete refusal to take charge of her own poor health and weight problems. If I fail, it is easier for her to stay stagnant. If I succeed, then a very bright light is shining on her to do the same--and she is not willing to make the changes needed to accomplish this goal. Maybe your husband's stagnation isn't weight loss, maybe its a job or education situation, or could be something completely different. Regardless, plan your workouts. Plan around your family responsibilities to remove any external conflict and let him deal with his own internal conflict. When he wants to pick a fight, say "I will not argue with you. I am going. You are welcome to come with me". If he refuses, walk out the door with a kiss and a smile, so that at some point he may realize that he is the one who is wrong. I'm sure that there are plenty of people who will say I'm wrong, and that's ok. You could also plan your workouts weekly, and post it on the fridge. If you are going at times that he feels are inconvenient to your family or him, it would give him an opportunity to speak with you about it in advance, and you could perhaps change the schedule to accommodate him. No matter what, don't give up. I am ignoring the comments and situation from my nay-sayer, but I'm not married to mine. I hope you are receiving encouragement from others, at least on this forum if no where else. Good luck !
  • fat2slim24
    fat2slim24 Posts: 5
    Sweetheart no offense, but it sound like you need a new spouse. If someone loves you they would be supporting you every step of the way. Is he overweight too? Maybe he is insecure because you are taking steps to better yourself and he is not. Keep at it, you have to take care of yourself before anyone else. A true partner would be your number one fan, not your biggest downfall
  • CysterWigs
    CysterWigs Posts: 136 Member
    I guess I think it's better to stay with him because I've only been allowed to work part-time and I have no way to support us financially. I don't even know how I would afford rent anywhere.

    Wait. You're only "allowed" to work part time? I'm sorry, but a mandate like that just seems like controlling a-hole behavior on the part of your spouse. You're a grown woman. You're "allowed" to do anything (legal) that you want to do.

    And, BTW, don't assume you wouldn't be able to live on your own. He would most likely have to provide you with money to support you and your children even if you kicked him out. I would talk to a divorce attorney before discounting that as an option.
  • TNBelle35
    TNBelle35 Posts: 21 Member
    My husband and I argue about this now more than ever. He says he is happy for me and my results but working out more than a couple times a week is too much. I go to Zumba twice a week and exercise when I can at home by myself. If he sees me on this site or looking up stuff on the web he now says I am obssessed. He could lose 100 himself and complains about feeling tired and wants to get in shape but dare I say anything because after losing two sizes in three months, I don't know what I am talking about. It gets very tiring, I think he is jealous of what I have accomplished but wants his own results but is too lazy. Make any sense? It all comes down to I think he has no self confidence, always cutting himself down and as I get better, he loses the company in his misery.
  • TNBelle35
    TNBelle35 Posts: 21 Member
    Wanted to add that we don't have children and divorce is not the answer, this should be something we could work on together but I don't understand why it is such a problem. I have to do what I feel is right for me, I am responsible for myself and my own reactions...no one can make you feel or do anything, you allow it.
  • BrainyBurro
    BrainyBurro Posts: 6,129 Member
    My husband and I argue about this now more than ever. He says he is happy for me and my results but working out more than a couple times a week is too much. I go to Zumba twice a week and exercise when I can at home by myself. If he sees me on this site or looking up stuff on the web he now says I am obssessed. He could lose 100 himself and complains about feeling tired and wants to get in shape but dare I say anything because after losing two sizes in three months, I don't know what I am talking about. It gets very tiring, I think he is jealous of what I have accomplished but wants his own results but is too lazy. Make any sense? It all comes down to I think he has no self confidence, always cutting himself down and as I get better, he loses the company in his misery.

    set up an account for him here that he can use and show him how to use it and let him learn from the MFP users about what to do to start losing... and tell him that even though 100lbs seems like a lot, he can drop half of that by Thanksgiving without too much of a change to his life. maybe if he feels like he is doing it on his own, and learning how to do it his way, he wouldn't be so resentful of hearing how you're doing it.
  • Sweetie1429
    Sweetie1429 Posts: 24 Member
    don't take relationship advice from people here. you've posted at most 1 paragraph describing your relationship from your perspective only and you're already being told to break up with your husband. this should be a huge red flag alerting you to how silly and uninformed the various relationship advice responses will be on here.
    [/quote]

    Well said
  • Petrapoo45
    Petrapoo45 Posts: 271 Member
    This is one of the things I struggle with as well. I love being able to come onto MFP and vent my frustrations without involving my spouse.
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
    Unless he is really crazy, like he is physically abusing you, remember that it takes two people to fight. Next time you want to go exercise, just do it. If he tries to pick a fight about it, refuse to engage. hear him out and simply say, 'I understand how you feel'. then GO. If he is physically trying to stop you from going or abusing you in any way, then you should definitely leave him. But if it's not even like that, just refuse to get into arguments about it.
  • Barbellerella
    Barbellerella Posts: 1,838 Member
    My first thought is: Don't take relationship advice from My Fitness Pal.

    But if you are going to anyways, here's my advice then:

    Keep track of your intake (a deficit is all you "really" need for fat loss). And do youtube videos, or home workout videos while he's at work. He doesn't even need to know. Keep things as calm as possible in your house for the children, if you plan on staying with him.
  • twinketta
    twinketta Posts: 2,130 Member
    Since I don't know you or your husband and have no idea how honest your description of him is I won't comment. I will tell you this is the worst place to come to for relationship advice. The people on here are divorce happy and they have no emotional ties to your family so please seek a proper counselor and ignore the "advice" from random divorce happy strangers on a fitness site.

    This!!! 110%
  • adriennepaolini
    adriennepaolini Posts: 28
    If you are doing it for you well then it will be worth every second of the fight. Let him know this is important for your health and you want to continue because it makes you healthier.

    Maybe just maybe he feels threatened by your new found ability .. not saying you should stop but I think communication is the answer here.

    Good luck
  • 3foldchord
    3foldchord Posts: 2,918 Member
    does he want to spend more time with you maybe? Maybe find ways to spend more time together doing fun thingd, hikes or bike rides, or picnics, or watching TV ttogether, playing board games.....

    If I went to work out a the gym when my husband was home, on a regular basis, he'd be upset about losing together time. (I don't work, so I workout during the day while my husband is at work)

    (* why does everyone alway assume the worst right away? maybe he just misses being together more)
  • bellesouth18
    bellesouth18 Posts: 1,071 Member
    .... I've only been allowed to work part-time and I have no way to support us financially....

    This particular sentence really disturbs me. Your use of the word "allowed" makes me very worried for you. I am concerned that this is a purposeful attempt to keep you trapped in an abusive cycle by depriving you of any money which would allow you to escape.

    I think you should read this:

    According to the U.S. Department of Justice, domestic violence may include:

    Physical abuse such as slapping, kicking, hitting, shoving, or other physical force.
    Sexual abuse including rape, sexual assault, forced prostitution, or interfering with birth control.
    Emotional abuse such as shouting, name-calling, humiliation, constant criticism, or harming the victim’s relationship with her or his children.
    Psychological abuse including threats to harm the victims' family, friends, children, co-workers, or pets, isolation, mind games, destruction of victims' property, or stalking.
    Economic abuse such as controlling the victim’s money, withholding money for basic needs, interfering with school or job, or damaging the victim’s credit.
    Several or all of the above forms of violence and abuse may take place.

    http://www.safehorizon.org/index/what-we-do-2/domestic-violence--abuse-53.html

    Hotline Phone Numbers
    Domestic Violence Hotline:
    800.621.HOPE (4673)

    Crime Victims Hotline:
    866.689.HELP (4357)

    Rape & Sexual Assault Hotline:
    212.227.3000

    TDD phone number for all hotlines:
    866.604.5350

    My point is, if he is doing this on purpose and if stay with him and you'll likely NEVER have the money to leave him (as per his plans).

    Please think through your relationship very carefully. I agree that we're all armchair abuse counselors, but you may have a very real problem on your hands.

    ^This. That word "allowed" is a big red flag to me, too. He's not allowing you to work much. He's not allowing you to run. What's next? Allowing you to eat? Take a shower? See your family?

    If you were my daughter, I'd give the same advice to you: Get some help from a professional and do it soon! Get some counseling whether he goes or not. I don't think things will get any better without it.

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