kid is gaining, need advice

I feel your pain. I feel helpless with my daughter. I know talking about it makes her feel attacked, but when I don't try to address it, I feel I'm failing her as a parent. For me it's not even about her appearance. It's about her health. I fear for her joints, her heart, her future offspring if she decides she wants to be a mom one day. I want her body healthy. And i want her to feel good about herself. She is a beautiful young lady and I don't just say it because i'm her mother. She IS gorgeous. I want her to have a life rich in joy. And let's face it, feeling obese isn't a good feeling, and what ever drives one to be obese feeds into multiple parts of one's life. Please let me know if you find any good advice. I've tried the counseling route, hasn't been her "aha" yet.

The following is also a suggestion for the OP.... and it is just a suggestion I don't know your family or situations at all, all I know is the following does apply in a lot of cases similar to this and parents may be unaware of the following.

Have you told her she's beautiful? Maybe she's not trying because she thinks she's ugly. Parents (in my experience) tend to think that their offspring already know that they're beautiful, clever, etc, because it's the truth, but a lot of young people, especially women, tend to have a very low opinion of themselves, especially when it comes to looks, due to pressure from the media, peer pressure etc. With some problems like this, what they need is to be built up. That's often why comments like "darling, I think you're gaining weight and I'm concerned about your health" are not taken well, because they already feel really down about themselves, so comments like that are seen as being kicked when you're down, twisting the knife in, etc. People who don't like themselves tend to be less likely to try to help themselves improve, because they don't believe they can, and/or don't believe that they're worth it. People generally do better at trying to change themselves when they like themselves and want to change because they know they deserve better.

If this is the problem you can't fix it overnight, but maybe you can help your daughter to feel better about herself, firstly by telling her she's beautiful (don't assume that she knows it already, because there's so much influence out there that makes women feel bad about their bodies) and commenting on her other good qualities, and also remind her of things she's done in the past that she's succeeded at. So rather than dealing with the specific problem (that she's becoming obese) you're aiming to give her what she needs to be able to make the decision to change what needs to be changed, for herself, because she wants to.

Working on self efficacy is also important, self efficacy is someone's ability to recognise the extent to which the results that you get (from anything) is to do with your own efforts, choices, etc and having the ability to get better results by doing things differently, and the determination to keep at it. Many people who are overfat but don't seem to want to put the effort in to change, have low self efficacy, and it's not that they don't want to change, more that they don't believe they can. I wrote a blog post about self efficacy: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/neandermagnon People who have high self efficacy generally also have high self esteem and tend to be successful (and to deal with failure much more productively, i.e. they keep trying and try to find out what they're doing wrong so they can try a different way) because they feel in control of their lives and their successes boost their self esteem, rather than needing people to tell them they're worthy, etc.

I feel your pain. I feel helpless with my daughter. I know talking about it makes her feel attacked, but when I don't try to address it, I feel I'm failing her as a parent. For me it's not even about her appearance. It's about her health. I fear for her joints, her heart, her future offspring if she decides she wants to be a mom one day. I want her body healthy. And i want her to feel good about herself. She is a beautiful young lady and I don't just say it because i'm her mother. She IS gorgeous. I want her to have a life rich in joy. And let's face it, feeling obese isn't a good feeling, and what ever drives one to be obese feeds into multiple parts of one's life. Please let me know if you find any good advice. I've tried the counseling route, hasn't been her "aha" yet.

The following is also a suggestion for the OP.... and it is just a suggestion I don't know your family or situations at all, all I know is the following does apply in a lot of cases similar to this and parents may be unaware of the following.

Have you told her she's beautiful? Maybe she's not trying because she thinks she's ugly. Parents (in my experience) tend to think that their offspring already know that they're beautiful, clever, etc, because it's the truth, but a lot of young people, especially women, tend to have a very low opinion of themselves, especially when it comes to looks, due to pressure from the media, peer pressure etc. With some problems like this, what they need is to be built up. That's often why comments like "darling, I think you're gaining weight and I'm concerned about your health" are not taken well, because they already feel really down about themselves, so comments like that are seen as being kicked when you're down, twisting the knife in, etc. People who don't like themselves tend to be less likely to try to help themselves improve, because they don't believe they can, and/or don't believe that they're worth it. People generally do better at trying to change themselves when they like themselves and want to change because they know they deserve better.

If this is the problem you can't fix it overnight, but maybe you can help your daughter to feel better about herself, firstly by telling her she's beautiful (don't assume that she knows it already, because there's so much influence out there that makes women feel bad about their bodies) and commenting on her other good qualities, and also remind her of things she's done in the past that she's succeeded at. So rather than dealing with the specific problem (that she's becoming obese) you're aiming to give her what she needs to be able to make the decision to change what needs to be changed, for herself, because she wants to.

Working on self efficacy is also important, self efficacy is someone's ability to recognise the extent to which the results that you get (from anything) is to do with your own efforts, choices, etc and having the ability to get better results by doing things differently, and the determination to keep at it. Many people who are overfat but don't seem to want to put the effort in to change, have low self efficacy, and it's not that they don't want to change, more that they don't believe they can. I wrote a blog post about self efficacy: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/neandermagnon People who have high self efficacy generally also have high self esteem and tend to be successful (and to deal with failure much more productively, i.e. they keep trying and try to find out what they're doing wrong so they can try a different way) because they feel in control of their lives and their successes boost their self esteem, rather than needing people to tell them they're worthy, etc.

Yes I have really tried to build her up. She's actually my step-daughter and has an abusive mother. I read your blog on self efficacy and am tuning in on the last paragraph:

Parents: you can instill high self efficacy in your children through how you give them feedback for anything they do. "wow you're really good at football" does not instill high self efficacy (it suggests that the child was born good at football).... "I'm really proud of how hard you work at football training, and it shows in how well you play at games" does. And when giving feedback for things that didn't go well "you did it wrong" doesn't install high self efficacy (it's nothing but blaming) however "that didn't go right, did it? What do you think you did wrong?" does.... and if they don't know what they did wrong, you can of course tell them, but follow it with asking them what they think they can do to improve/do better next time, etc.

This really makes good sense and I'll put it into play. One question; do you actually start a conversation about what she thinks she's doing wrong and how can she make it right with her intake?

I would say to let her bring it up. I think weight is a touchy topic for anyone regardless of their size. My aunt offered to let me go to the gym with her when I was in high school and I loved it.

My mother is about the same size as I am [14/16] and she constantly complains about how fat she is, so I offer to do activities with her [she wouldn't be caught dead in a gym] and she rejects me. Growing up though she constantly told me I was fat and poking at my stomach anytime we went clothes shopping, to the point that when I bought my wedding dress this last year I went with my fiancee, did not offer my mom the chance at all because I did not think she would be supportive.

I think she is way more hurt than she let on, but years upon years of her commenting on my weight really impacted me.