kid is gaining, need advice

Your daughter sounds like me... have yo yo'd all my life and eat to celebrate/commiserate/cheer up. No good telling her the obvious! If she is unhappy fresh air and exercise will do her mental state the world of good.

I think focus on health not weight and the same outcomes will be achieved.

I find exercising makes me not want to ruin the hard work I've done so makes me eat better without needing to over-think it. Plus maintains my emotional state so less emotional eating.

Are you UK based? There are some excellent pub stroll books where you can drive to country villages or do City Walks and walk 2-15 miles with/without pub stops for lunch on route (or pack a picnic) ... or maybe even join a rambler's group and go somewhere with them, so if you later want to stop she'll be integrated with the group and may carry on? I would love it if friends suggested walks instead of meals with places that do salads (while they eat the food I really want!).

Or take a seaside/island holiday together somewhere nice and do walks/hikes daily and snack on summer fruits and eat seafood and fresh salads so when she's home she's inspired to carry on.

Does she live with you? While the weather is nice, why not have some garden BBQs or just outside meals for your evening meal with healthy meats (or vegetable kebabs), no/limited breads, plenty of creative salads (beetroot, walnut and crumbles of goats cheese a winner!) and fruit desserts (fruit and marshmallow kebabs on the BBQ are good).

Associate healthy food with happy times and you're onto a winner!

Your daughter sounds like me... have yo yo'd all my life and eat to celebrate/commiserate/cheer up. No good telling her the obvious! If she is unhappy fresh air and exercise will do her mental state the world of good.

I think focus on health not weight and the same outcomes will be achieved.

I find exercising makes me not want to ruin the hard work I've done so makes me eat better without needing to over-think it. Plus maintains my emotional state so less emotional eating.

Are you UK based? There are some excellent pub stroll books where you can drive to country villages or do City Walks and walk 2-15 miles with/without pub stops for lunch on route (or pack a picnic) ... or maybe even join a rambler's group and go somewhere with them, so if you later want to stop she'll be integrated with the group and may carry on? I would love it if friends suggested walks instead of meals with places that do salads (while they eat the food I really want!).

Or take a seaside/island holiday together somewhere nice and do walks/hikes daily and snack on summer fruits and eat seafood and fresh salads so when she's home she's inspired to carry on.

Does she live with you? While the weather is nice, why not have some garden BBQs or just outside meals for your evening meal with healthy meats (or vegetable kebabs), no/limited breads, plenty of creative salads (beetroot, walnut and crumbles of goats cheese a winner!) and fruit desserts (fruit and marshmallow kebabs on the BBQ are good).

Associate healthy food with happy times and you're onto a winner!

I have never heard of fruit and marshmellow kebabs. I think you're my new favorite person

Also, the idea of the stroll in the city villages sounds good. Could have a mother/daughter spa day and go "window shopping" if you have a city nearby that has something like a main street with lots of neat shops along, and then maybe go get mani/pedi's or massages. I think it would kind of hide the fact that you'd be "setting up", for lack of better word, exercise.

I was overweight as a teenager, but my parents never said anything to me. I kind of wish they had, although perhaps if they had done I might not have a great relationship with them like I do today. We always ate healthily and I do sometimes wonder if I had some sort of medical problem. I do wish they'd taken me to the doctor at least. My mum didn't learn to drive until I was14 and we walked everywhere, plus I did sports after school.

I lost weight when I went to university, when I was 19. I definitely didn't eat enough, but I was active, walking everywhere(no car) and in my 2nd year I lived about 3 miles off campus and got a bike. I ate healthily. The weight just dropped off me, especially in my 3rd year in France.

Maybe you can suggest activities you can do with your daughter? Do classes together like Zumba and aerobics, go for walks etc.

I have a daughter, but she's only 2 now. I do worry for her in the future. I also have a 4 year old son. I have brought them up to be very active though and they don't stop moving! My son also barely eats which can be a problem! Being a parent is hard work!

One thing I didn't see mentioned (although I admit I skimmed the thread)...

Yes, you're at a normal BMI, but you're also using MFP to help stay that way. Is she aware that you use it? Maybe knowing that achieving and maintaining a healthy weight isn't easy or natural for everyone will help. The yo-yo cycle starts when someone does something to lose the weight, then stops doing that something and gains it back. Then they do "what worked last time," except that it didn't really work last time. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I didn't have any major weight problems (even at my heaviest, I was the "skinny one" in the family) but I did spend a good chunk of my thirties weighing a little more than I was comfortable with, because I hadn't learned that maintaining is every bit as much work as losing. It's not something you just stop doing when you're happy with how you look.

So maybe if you approach calorie counting and MFP, not as "you need to lose weight," but as "this is what I do to keep things under control." That logging calories and exercise isn't any different than using Quicken to balance your checkbook, and how important nutrition is to your physical and emotional well-being.

Not living with you does make it more difficult, but if any trips with you can include things like a healthy food focus - like a nice walk round a farmer's market choosing healthy food which you then BBQ or otherwise cook in a healthy way might be useful. Rather than comment about weight, you could say things like "I love to try ways of preparing things differently, not just the same old fried stuff" or "I found eating X really made me lethargic/messed with my system so I only have it occasionally", "I'm trying not to eat out too much because I want to save up for...." As said above, you could also explain how you use MFP - you're not just "lucky" to be thinner - and show how useful it is to plan what you eat so you don't get caught out by hidden calories (like salad dressing).

If you can't go to a class together , how about getting something like "Just Dance" or "Wii Zumba" you cando together for a lugh when she comes over- get your husband doing it too (trust me, she'll burn off loads of calories laughing if nothing else!!:bigsmile: ) and offer to lend her the disc to take back with her.

As others have said, as an adult you can't make her do anything, and I can understand why she feels resistant to therapy. But any time you can say something helpful, like "It really makes me sad that your mum is not more appreciative of you when you're such a lovely person" to help her have a more positive self-image, perhaps in time she'll feel confident enough to try it: I imagine at the moment she feel that if she went to therapy it would "prove" she was a failure.

You've got a difficult task ahead, best of luck with everything you do.

As an obese woman in her 20s I want to offer my 2 cents.

First off, it is not your fault she is overweight nor are you a failing parent. Your daughter is 20 years old and a grown adult so frankly you don't need to guilt yourself or her on the topic.

My Mom brought up my size in HS and I told her point blank to not bring it up again. She didn't raise me healthy and she herself was well pass the obese line as well. She didn't have room to talk.

I had go through that first break up, I was bullied, and I was depressed. Due to all the "weight talk" I began starving myself. I wanted people to like me and thought if I was skinny my mom would like me more- cause it was obvious she didn't. When every other comment was weight related clearly I was a failure in her eyes....course this was far from the truth but that was what my mind was saying. She would focus SOLELY on this not the fact I was passing classes or got a good grade on a paper.

Weight
Weight
Weight
Weight

Thankfully, my mom dropped the topic when she realized she was only making me worse. Because of the constant "weight talk" I turned very hard headed, refused to listen because it was all an attack to me. It slammed my crumbling self esteem and I blocked out everything everyone ever said.

I went away for college and packed on pounds due to poor eating habits (instilled by parents) and lack of movement because I was taking on a full load of credit hours. I told myself that I'd rather be loved for personality than chased because of looks and that "well the jerks who F-ck and leave the skinnies won't bother my fat *kitten*"

So I hunkered down and got my degree. I didn't care about my weight and began focusing on what makes ME happy. What made me happy was doing things I enjoyed not trying to please everyone else or fix every damn flaw that was pointed out.

It took me a few more years, some traumas and seeing a therapist about those to get a handle on my emotional eating/starving cycles.

The kicker is I CHOSE to get help. I CHOSE to begin learning what was healthy. I CHOSE to try fruits and veggies again (ate them until I was 5 then textures made me hate them). Then I met the man I now engaged to--- also overweight but trying to be healthy. We CHOSE to watch our pantry and eat out less. WE CHOSE to cut out soda and We began C25K and now 5Ks on the weekend.

I had to choose this for myself and I had to be ready to choose it. Not the bullies. Not my mother. Not society telling me if I'm not a size 2 I'm a failure. Not even my fiance. ME.

Point is- your daughter is not ready to decide this for herself. Any amount of pressure you add will only make her harder-headed and resent you because she feels belittled or a failing to "please mom". She has enough on her plate with college, grades, college life that she doesn't need it coming from the home too.

If you want to suggest family outings and group exercise that's fine. Praise her grades, Praise her character, Praise the fact she wasn't a HS dropout and doesn't do drugs. Just stop the weight talk. Home is safety love and support- end of story. Let her get her degree with the least stress as possible.

just something to think on. *hugs*

As an obese woman in her 20s I want to offer my 2 cents.

Good for you. You sound like a girl who's got her head on straight.

All you can do is be her mentor. She'll make up her own mind to be healthy when she's ready. you know how this goes, we have to be in our own right mind to do this for ourselves and she will too. If you push her too hard, she'll eat behind closed doors. My mom is an active healthy freakazoid. When i was a kid i was not obese but always a big girl and she would force me to walk (which in the long haul here, this was a good thing) every day with her for 3 miles as fast as my teen legs could keep up with hers and she would feed me as best she could but then i'd go behind her and buy food or eat at a friends house even after I had already ate at home.
I learned the hard way by gaining 100 pounds by the time i was 21 and had to lose it.
Sometimes we gotta hit rock bottom before we can climb back up.
Stay there for her, be her mentor, give her hope - talk about heart health a lot (and not weight), mention activity and invite her to outdoor events that you attend (even just going for a walk together, etc).
She'll catch on when she is ready.

Unfortunately she is her own woman now. 20 yrs old she will make her own decisions and what not. If she WANTS to lose weight, offer to exercise with her & have her cook healthy foods with you! If she doesn't want to, or doesn't care about her weight there is nothing you can do. Most likely pushing the subject will make her eat more. =/ Sucks, but true. It's great to see your concern for your daughter, but you have to understand she's her own woman and had to decide to change on her own. If she ever mentions "I wish I could wear that dress/bikini." Or anything that she has a WANT somewhere in her to lose weight. Don't be too pushy but offer to do things with her to help! Like, "I bet we can get you into that dress in # months. If you want to, I'm here to help." And just leave it at that. If the bait works, awesome! If not, she's not ready. Bravo for being a caring Mom. It's very nice to see. Just keep an eye out for that mention that she wants to be thinner. And just kindly offer to help and I think you'll reel her into a healthy lifestyle that way.

I think it's really great that you are concerned about your daughter (rather than ignoring it as I've seen many parents do).

I don't know how active your daughter is but is there maybe a physical activity that you two could do together (zumba, yoga, spinning, ect). Maybe frame it in a way that makes it sound like you really need her support and dont want to go at it all alone.

I only suggest this because I feel like when people are more active and feel good they tend to approach eating a little differently.

I agree with this!! Rather than bring her weight gain to her attention (which I'm sure she's aware of), invite her to do some physical activities with you I believe this is the best possible way to address the situation without causing animosity between you!!

My 20 yr old daughter is gaining weight again. This will be her third time. Each time is a little heavier than the last and she hits the obese range.

Both husband and I are normal BMI and eat healthy. She's an emotional eater. Husband broached the subject delicately a couple months ago and she accepted it with grace, but she's still gaining and I know where it'll end up. No bad foods kept in house. She eats out a lot.

Is there anything we can do or say? How about suggesting a dietician?

She is an adult and will lose weight when she is ready. My mom told me my butt was getting too big when I was 140lbs 5'7" and put me on a diet when I was 14. Just saying, I became a closet eater and felt extremely judged and belittled when I ate in front of her. I never felt like I was good enough.

Not trying to project, but I had to find my own way to health. No one could make me.

I grew up as a fat child of semi-normal parents, I agree with this.
Your daughter is an adult now. Unless she is developmentally disabled, she knows she is getting heavier. There's honestly very little you can do.

1) Be the example. Sounds like you're already doing this.
2) Invite your daughter to do fit activities. Not exercising per se, but things like hiking or a fun bike ride.
3) Love your daughter unconditionally. Make it absolutely clear that you love HER, not her fitness or skinniness or eating habits.
4) Hope for the best. Your daughter is an adult now. A real person. The sooner both of you accept that, the better off both of you will be.

My suggestions would be to not say anything, especially since you mentioned that she had an abusive mother. As someone who has put up with emotional abuse their whole life, I can tell you that, no matter anyone's intentions, I do not take suggestions of weight loss well (even compliments ON my weight loss), because I'm used to them being meant to degrade me, not help me. I'm doing this for ME, and she needs to do the same, or nothing is ever going to change. I think the bottom line here is that she's an adult, and treating her like she's still a child by implying that she doesn't know how to take care of herself, even if that's not what you set out to do, is going to do more harm than good. Maybe she'll listen and lose, but there's a good chance she's just going to end up right back where she is in no time at all.

You've gotten so much good advice here -- I really can't say much more. I feel your pain because I was a kid who got told mean things by my parents growing up ("butt's getting a little wide back there, isn't it?!?" and "You're not wearing THAT are you? It makes you look fat."), but now I am also a parent, and know that I worry about my kids' wellbeing all the time. I can see myself in your same position as a Mom.

This did make me think of a photography / book project I came across recently... The woman who started the project is named Jade Beall, and she had her own struggles w/body image after giving birth...but she knows that all women struggle with this, and that there's too much pressure to be "perfect" out there... I love her message, and her photos...the book's coming out soon, and she plans more on body image topics like illness, aging, etc. Pretty good place to go when you're feeling un-beautiful...

http://www.abeautifulbodyproject.com/

Hang in there...this is a tough one.

All I can say is be very careful how you go about this. I'm pretty sure your daughter is fully aware she is gaining weight and maybe she is depressed at the moment which is why she is emotionally eating. I was exactly the same I am now 26 and I have a 15 month old daughter who is my world. Since the age of 14 I have been an emotional eater and at 14 I put on a load of weight because I was depressed for family reasons when I got over this depression phase I lost the weight straight away. Then when I was 18 I had a lot of issues with my mother which lead to depression again and I gained loads and loads of weight. Since I gained that weight my mum would forever be pointing it out to me and was always going on about how I had ruined myself she would also call me names when we had a falling out and so would my step dad. Long story short I have never been able to lose weight since I was 18 because of the negative effects my mums comments had on me. Eventually a few months ago me and my mother fell out for good and I haven't spoken to her in months and now I don't have her negative comments holding me back I am finally starting to loose weight I have lost 17lbs so far and I am going to keep going because for the first time in my life I have no negative comments knocking my confidence.

All I would say is to show your daughter healthy ways to loose weight by doing things with her like cooking healthy meals and even going out together and just spending time together try not to focus on the weight so much sounds like once your daughter is in a happy mind she will start loosing the weight if she hears any negative comments about her weight coming from you it's only going to knock her confidence even more she is the only one who can do anything about her weight. My mum never spent time with me doing things instead all I heard were negative comments. All you can do is be there for your daughter and when she wants to lose weight she will. I am doing it now so I know it can be done its just a journey getting to that point that's all.