kid is gaining, need advice

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Replies

  • massedeffect
    massedeffect Posts: 13
    I was that kid. I am that kid. I just typed a response to another post about 'family pressure' and I think it'd be relevant here:

    I've spent years being pressured by my family to lose weight....it's only recently I was brave enough to tell them, Look, the more you pressure me, the less I want to lose weight. They turned it from something healthful I want to do to something that, if I do, is 'them' winning. Totally illogical, but it felt like that. If I lost weight, they had won something (imposed their will on me) and I had actually lost - not weight, but sovereignty over my own person.

    Every unhealthy thing I did was a 'victory' over them. Every dessert I ate was a 'victory'. Every chocolate bar I sneaked by them was a 'victory'. Every time I didn't work out, despite their urging, was a 'victory'. Once, my family member scolded me for having bread with butter. In response, I literally ate bread and butter until I puked.

    It's only now, that I've fully internalized the desire to become healthier - for MYSELF, my OWN decision - that I am really turning the corner. (MFP has really really helped with this, with the awesome, non-judgmental community here, the tools, the calorie counter). And now, they seem to understand (though I have to remind them forcefully now and again) and are actually being really supportive. Actually my problem would be to keep them from being 'too' supportive, to the point I resent it. So far, so good.
  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
    I'm old(er). In my day people were honest and just told you that you were getting fat and needed to do something about it. It's still what I do. Not everyone listens.
  • TinaDay1114
    TinaDay1114 Posts: 1,328 Member
    I was that kid. I am that kid. I just typed a response to another post about 'family pressure' and I think it'd be relevant here:

    I've spent years being pressured by my family to lose weight....it's only recently I was brave enough to tell them, Look, the more you pressure me, the less I want to lose weight. They turned it from something healthful I want to do to something that, if I do, is 'them' winning. Totally illogical, but it felt like that. If I lost weight, they had won something (imposed their will on me) and I had actually lost - not weight, but sovereignty over my own person.

    YES, TRUE. I found this myself -- not so much w/weight / food (although I had some of that, too), but w/other parts of my life. My parents were pretty controlling, so even my hobbies / passions were turned into battles. The only ones I kept were the ones they didn't care about (and therefore, didn't comment on or pressure me about). After I moved out, I hated going back to visit because just walking through the door made me feel like I disappeared...everything was all about them, and what they wanted / needed / controlled. After working through that on my own for a long time in my 20's, I made peace with it, because they won't change. But I certainly don't go to them for emotional support or comfort in any way. We are "friends," but not close the way I think parents/kids should be. At all. Sad thing is, I'm an only child. They're all I got, and they are not my safe place to be.
  • TinaDay1114
    TinaDay1114 Posts: 1,328 Member
    I'm old(er). In my day people were honest and just told you that you were getting fat and needed to do something about it. It's still what I do. Not everyone listens.

    Might be easier that way, 'cause it's simple and lets you walk away from the conversation. But not particularly helpful to the other person. Just my honest opinion. And I'm a little "older" too. I agree with you to a point. Some things have changed for the worse. But finding a better, more sensitive way to approach problems with someone -- especially someone you care about or are close to -- is progress, not political correctness.
  • AuntieKT
    AuntieKT Posts: 235 Member
    I was overweight my whole life growing up. My mom was always overweight too. It's hard to hear suggestions from a person that isn't following them themselves, so good for you for being a good example. Like other people have said, she knows she's overweight and doesn't need you pointing that out to her. It is really difficult when you have a parent that you feel is only interested in your appearance (whether that is what you intend or not). My mother is perpetually concerned with everyone's weight. Even now that I have taken most of the weight off, all she does is focus on my weight. Now she constantly talks about how "skinny" I am and wants to know how much I weigh or what size pants I'm wearing. It doesn't feel good. It feels like all I am to her is how much I weigh. Ask your daughter to join you in exercise because it's fun or share in a healthy meal because you really like it or it tastes good, but don't ever let her know that you are trying to get her to lose weight. Coming from someone who is supposed to accept you no matter what, it really hurts.
  • fightingautism
    fightingautism Posts: 84
    I feel your pain. I feel helpless with my daughter. I know talking about it makes her feel attacked, but when I don't try to address it, I feel I'm failing her as a parent. For me it's not even about her appearance. It's about her health. I fear for her joints, her heart, her future offspring if she decides she wants to be a mom one day. I want her body healthy. And i want her to feel good about herself. She is a beautiful young lady and I don't just say it because i'm her mother. She IS gorgeous. I want her to have a life rich in joy. And let's face it, feeling obese isn't a good feeling, and what ever drives one to be obese feeds into multiple parts of one's life. Please let me know if you find any good advice. I've tried the counseling route, hasn't been her "aha" yet.

    The following is also a suggestion for the OP.... and it is just a suggestion I don't know your family or situations at all, all I know is the following does apply in a lot of cases similar to this and parents may be unaware of the following.

    Have you told her she's beautiful? Maybe she's not trying because she thinks she's ugly. Parents (in my experience) tend to think that their offspring already know that they're beautiful, clever, etc, because it's the truth, but a lot of young people, especially women, tend to have a very low opinion of themselves, especially when it comes to looks, due to pressure from the media, peer pressure etc. With some problems like this, what they need is to be built up. That's often why comments like "darling, I think you're gaining weight and I'm concerned about your health" are not taken well, because they already feel really down about themselves, so comments like that are seen as being kicked when you're down, twisting the knife in, etc. People who don't like themselves tend to be less likely to try to help themselves improve, because they don't believe they can, and/or don't believe that they're worth it. People generally do better at trying to change themselves when they like themselves and want to change because they know they deserve better.

    If this is the problem you can't fix it overnight, but maybe you can help your daughter to feel better about herself, firstly by telling her she's beautiful (don't assume that she knows it already, because there's so much influence out there that makes women feel bad about their bodies) and commenting on her other good qualities, and also remind her of things she's done in the past that she's succeeded at. So rather than dealing with the specific problem (that she's becoming obese) you're aiming to give her what she needs to be able to make the decision to change what needs to be changed, for herself, because she wants to.

    Working on self efficacy is also important, self efficacy is someone's ability to recognise the extent to which the results that you get (from anything) is to do with your own efforts, choices, etc and having the ability to get better results by doing things differently, and the determination to keep at it. Many people who are overfat but don't seem to want to put the effort in to change, have low self efficacy, and it's not that they don't want to change, more that they don't believe they can. I wrote a blog post about self efficacy: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/neandermagnon People who have high self efficacy generally also have high self esteem and tend to be successful (and to deal with failure much more productively, i.e. they keep trying and try to find out what they're doing wrong so they can try a different way) because they feel in control of their lives and their successes boost their self esteem, rather than needing people to tell them they're worthy, etc.

    Thank you very much for your suggestions, I think it's great and I feel I tell her she's beautiful, but no female can ever hear it enough!
  • NanaWubbie
    NanaWubbie Posts: 248 Member
    SInce she is an adult, there is not a lot you can do but love her through it. She'll lose weight when she is ready to lose weight. Are you of normal weight? If you need to lose weight, you could challenge her to a DietBet, or recommend the site if she is financially motivated.....or you could pay for her first one IF she is interested. Find a fun 5K that is scheduled for the fall and challenge her to train with you. Instead of getting together for dinner, get together for bowling, hiking...anything active. My daughter is 21 and she struggles with her weight and doesn't like to talk about it. She was a wild child during her teen years and tends to mostly take advice from anybody other than me. I get it....she just needs to figure it out on her own....but every now and then she'll ask me for advice and support, and I try to give support without lecturing. Good luck Mama.. your heart is in the right the place!
  • ctalimenti
    ctalimenti Posts: 865 Member
    tag for later reading
  • Jestinia
    Jestinia Posts: 1,153 Member
    My 20 yr old daughter is gaining weight again. This will be her third time. Each time is a little heavier than the last and she hits the obese range.

    Both husband and I are normal BMI and eat healthy. She's an emotional eater. Husband broached the subject delicately a couple months ago and she accepted it with grace, but she's still gaining and I know where it'll end up. No bad foods kept in house. She eats out a lot.

    Is there anything we can do or say? How about suggesting a dietician?
    Get a couple of sessions with a therapist for her. Maybe together they can identify why she turns to food when emotionally distraught.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    Oh, THIS is a problem for her. She will not see a therapist. She is quite hard headed.

    How about a dietitian or nutritionist then?
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,329 Member
    My 20 yr old daughter is gaining weight again. This will be her third time. Each time is a little heavier than the last and she hits the obese range.

    Both husband and I are normal BMI and eat healthy. She's an emotional eater. Husband broached the subject delicately a couple months ago and she accepted it with grace, but she's still gaining and I know where it'll end up. No bad foods kept in house. She eats out a lot.

    Is there anything we can do or say? How about suggesting a dietician?
    Get a couple of sessions with a therapist for her. Maybe together they can identify why she turns to food when emotionally distraught.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    im sure having a mom that surveys her food and body like a drill sargeant might be part of the reason.

    sorry OP, but you come off as being very conditional in the way you show her love. maybe that's not your intention, but that's definitely the vibe i'm getting. how about you just try to talk to her about whats going on in her life and not about how you dont want her to be fat?
  • Sweetface421
    Sweetface421 Posts: 40 Member
    As a mother, I can totally understand where you're coming from.
    I am 46 yrs. old and around 30 lbs. overweight. My husband is eight years younger than me and slim, he likes to be active and we have two young children. He addressed my weight gain like this: He told me that he loves me & he's attracted to me the way I am. He told me that he wants us to grow old together and to enjoy life with each other. He told me that, beyond losing weight, he just wanted me to be healthy, to be able to keep up with our kids, to feel good about myself. He put it terms of wanting me to be around to share in life with him and our children.
    I didn't get defensive, like I usually do. I appreciated his being able to keep vanity out of the conversation.
    If you come from a place of love, not of how she reflects on you as a parent, but from how much you love her and want her to be here, on this earth, with you for a long, long time, I think she'll probably be able to hear you and not get defensive.
    Good luck!
  • PhoenixStrikes
    PhoenixStrikes Posts: 587 Member
    I would say 99% of my body issues come from my mom making comments on what I eat, how often I eat and how big I am. I guess you're showing concern but I think your going about it in the wrong way. I'm sure she see's how much she weighs and the only person that can do something about it is her. Be careful what you say because the words of a mother sting more strongly than any other.
  • LokiOfAsgard
    LokiOfAsgard Posts: 378 Member
    Coming from a 20 year old, the more you suggest that she do something about her weight, the less likely she is to do it. These are her young years, let her enjoy them, unless she is getting sick because of her weight, there isn't much reason to worry. Still help keep her healthy, keeping junk out of the house, unless she buys it on her own is good. But don't try to make her lose weight, unless she wants it, then you can be there to help her. :)
  • vjohn04
    vjohn04 Posts: 2,276 Member
    zombie.

    doh!
  • lynn1982
    lynn1982 Posts: 1,439 Member
    Your daughter is 20. She is an adult and needs to want to lose weight on her own. Model HEALTHY eating habits and physical activity. You probably mean well by broaching the subject of weight with her, but chances are, it's making her eat more. When I was a kid, my mom constantly told me when she thought I was getting too heavy. I usually responded by smiling and then eating a box of cookies.
  • WalkingAlong
    WalkingAlong Posts: 4,926 Member
    tag for later reading
    Maybe instead of "tag for later reading" people should bump with "WARNING: This thread is 6 months old." Save others the time of reading all three pages to perhaps offer some help to the OP, who has probably moved on 5 months ago. :explode:
  • abickford82
    abickford82 Posts: 207
    Like everyone else said, she has to want the change. Like most fat girls (not saying she's "fat", but for me - I was), I wanted the hot bikini body but wanted to keep eating fast food, and sitting on my behind watching tv all the time.

    It sounds like she lives in your home, and while you set the rules...I can see where you don't want to sound like a tyrant. Best advice? She's most likely going to come to a health scare before she wants to change (most do, I did, too). Just keep modeling healthy behaviors. I'm a firm believer that just because one is 18...doesn't mean they're an adult. Have you considered doing family hikes & maybe even a color run? Most runners who do those don't even run it, and I've seen many overweight people run them b/c they're more fun. It's a great starting "fun run".
  • lynn1982
    lynn1982 Posts: 1,439 Member
    tag for later reading
    Maybe instead of "tag for later reading" people should bump with "WARNING: This thread is 6 months old." Save others the time of reading all three pages to perhaps offer some help to the OP, who has probably moved on 5 months ago. :explode:


    Oops... didn't even notice that when I responded. There needs to be a rule about this...
  • hstoblish
    hstoblish Posts: 234 Member
    I almost hate to admit this, but if my dad talked to me about my weight, I'd know it was a health concern and that he'd felt very strongly about my health to broach the subject. If my mom did, I'd be in a tailspin of anxiety and frustration.

    With my mom, weight comes up every time we talk. Her weight, my weight, that person wearing a tube top's weight. She's always been obsessed with fatness and needs some help to deal with it. It's difficult. Other than this, we do have a great relationship.

    My point is this: mothers and daughters usually have very complicated relationships around body issues, and my experience has been that the mother doesn't always even know it. If your daughter took it well from your husband, you don't need to reinforce this.

    One of the best things you can do to help her is to let her know that the most important thing to you is her character. My dad actually told me this just the other day when I commented that my visit with my grandmother was easier this year because I've lost my pregnancy weight and my skin has cleared up. "The most important thing about you is your character, Heather. Ignore the rest."

    She knows she's gained weight, and knowing that you don't care might be what helps her decide to lose it. Knowing that she's not letting you down by having gained the weight will take some of the pressure off and help her to get better. I know this sound counter-intuitive.

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