How to NOT look slimmer with make up. [PIC HEAVY]

DISCLAIMER: I know this is not EGO magazine. Please have some sense of humor if you want to continue reading :-)

So I had a date.
I am the former hot kid who suddenly got punched by life and gained --a lot-- of weight, just like that. This guy had seen me when I was still the hot kid. We were going out after 4 years and well... I wanted to look good.
I am addicted to cosmetics. Call me vain, but the first thing I did was looking online for tips on how to look slimmer without chopping off the flabs hanging from my arms (as much as I'd LOVE to do that) and hiding that obnoxious double chin that sometimes shows up in pictures -- HELL, I never see you, double chin, where the F*** did you come from??!

Anyway. I found this:



I already had a sense it wouldn't work since well... The model is already slim and she is WHITE.
This is me, trying the same technique:


"Am I pretty yet?"


The duck face and V are to complement the atmosphere. I rarely feel this stupid. Especially when sober.

Okay. Maybe I should blend all this plaster covering my face and see where it leads.



Alright. Let's stop right here.
I wanted to look skinny. Yes.
The only way I could possibly get lucky with this look was hoping the guy had a fetish for wax dolls. WHERE THE HELL DID MY PORES GO? And man, come on, after blending... It doesn't even look like I changed anything other than covering every spot of my face with some sort of sticky mortar.
So I read that you could get a similar effect without carrying so much on sticky concealers. Instead, you would use a bronzer powder or dark blusher. Sounded alright.
But no. When it comes to me, it can't just be that easy.



Not satisfied with all the mortar, I had to ALSO make it look like someone hit me in the face with a brick. Beautiful, except that the guy I wanted to date wasn't a construction worker. So I washed it all off. And I decided to do it my way:



Just a little bit of a matte brown eyeshadow under the jawline and right under the cheekbones. Then a little bit of a brighter one under the eyebrow and on top of the cheekbone, and blended it all together:



The final thing looked something like this:



I actually think I look good with pores AND acne AND make up. Because I am not a wax doll. And you know what? I am working my *kitten* off to get fit again, so if this guy has something against the fact I gained a few (dozens of) pounds, maybe he doesn't deserve me, right? Heh, I wish my self esteem were that high. One way or another, there's always plan B:



THIS baby. With this baby, I'll look just fine, no matter what.