How to NOT look slimmer with make up. [PIC HEAVY]

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BathtubBadger
BathtubBadger Posts: 217 Member
DISCLAIMER: I know this is not EGO magazine. Please have some sense of humor if you want to continue reading :-)

So I had a date.
I am the former hot kid who suddenly got punched by life and gained --a lot-- of weight, just like that. This guy had seen me when I was still the hot kid. We were going out after 4 years and well... I wanted to look good.
I am addicted to cosmetics. Call me vain, but the first thing I did was looking online for tips on how to look slimmer without chopping off the flabs hanging from my arms (as much as I'd LOVE to do that) and hiding that obnoxious double chin that sometimes shows up in pictures -- HELL, I never see you, double chin, where the F*** did you come from??!

Anyway. I found this:

contouring-diagram-smashbox1.jpg

I already had a sense it wouldn't work since well... The model is already slim and she is WHITE.
This is me, trying the same technique:

176zw9.jpg
"Am I pretty yet?"


The duck face and V are to complement the atmosphere. I rarely feel this stupid. Especially when sober.

Okay. Maybe I should blend all this plaster covering my face and see where it leads.

2m6r2pl.jpg

Alright. Let's stop right here.
I wanted to look skinny. Yes.
The only way I could possibly get lucky with this look was hoping the guy had a fetish for wax dolls. WHERE THE HELL DID MY PORES GO? And man, come on, after blending... It doesn't even look like I changed anything other than covering every spot of my face with some sort of sticky mortar.
So I read that you could get a similar effect without carrying so much on sticky concealers. Instead, you would use a bronzer powder or dark blusher. Sounded alright.
But no. When it comes to me, it can't just be that easy.

iqc8ci.jpg

Not satisfied with all the mortar, I had to ALSO make it look like someone hit me in the face with a brick. Beautiful, except that the guy I wanted to date wasn't a construction worker. So I washed it all off. And I decided to do it my way:

2e67qk1.jpg

Just a little bit of a matte brown eyeshadow under the jawline and right under the cheekbones. Then a little bit of a brighter one under the eyebrow and on top of the cheekbone, and blended it all together:

9kmgc0.jpg

The final thing looked something like this:

o9o22p.jpg

I actually think I look good with pores AND acne AND make up. Because I am not a wax doll. And you know what? I am working my *kitten* off to get fit again, so if this guy has something against the fact I gained a few (dozens of) pounds, maybe he doesn't deserve me, right? Heh, I wish my self esteem were that high. One way or another, there's always plan B:

2qlub8h.jpg

THIS baby. With this baby, I'll look just fine, no matter what.
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Replies

  • BathtubBadger
    BathtubBadger Posts: 217 Member
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    Yay :) Got pics to work on my first try!
  • fullofquirks
    fullofquirks Posts: 182 Member
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    That was hilarious.

    You look great :smile: :drinker:
  • xvxCelticWandererxvx
    xvxCelticWandererxvx Posts: 2,890 Member
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    LOL! Great sense of humor! You're stunning and he'd be a nutter if he didn't think so. Relax and enjoy that beer :drinker:
  • BathtubBadger
    BathtubBadger Posts: 217 Member
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    Thanks!! :drinker: :drinker: :drinker: You're all invited for a round, I bet you're all much more fun than that pooper anyway!
  • marcon125
    marcon125 Posts: 259 Member
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    Love this post.

    Great sense of humor and beautiful to boot! If he doesn't see that, he's an idiot! Just sayin'.
  • delaniecastillo
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    This was awesome.
  • AlongCame_Molly
    AlongCame_Molly Posts: 2,835 Member
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    Hilarious! You should start a blog, if you haven't already.

    And you look beautiful! That is a perfect shade of lipstick for you. So pretty!
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
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    You're hot....cuz you like good beer.

    Would bang...for beer.
  • RichOC
    RichOC Posts: 243 Member
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    I'm pretty sure I would have tapped that pre-blend.

    5-star post.
  • rainunrefined
    rainunrefined Posts: 850 Member
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    You crack me up!
  • BathtubBadger
    BathtubBadger Posts: 217 Member
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    Hilarious! You should start a blog, if you haven't already.

    And you look beautiful! That is a perfect shade of lipstick for you. So pretty!

    Thank you so much!
    Never thought about it. Normally too busy with two jobs and university, maybe in the future :laugh:
  • BathtubBadger
    BathtubBadger Posts: 217 Member
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    You're hot....cuz you like good beer.

    Would bang...for beer.

    Bia does not share beer.
  • travlinjess
    travlinjess Posts: 243 Member
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    LOL, funny! Oh the things we'll try. Your final look was beautiful. I hope you have a great date! Just be yourself, or show him this post, so he know's you're a cool chick with a sense of humor!
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
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    You're hot....cuz you like good beer.

    Would bang...for beer.

    Bia does not share beer.

    And now you are just another pretty gurl. :P
  • jadermary
    jadermary Posts: 105 Member
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    You (and your pores) look fabulous! :flowerforyou:
  • BathtubBadger
    BathtubBadger Posts: 217 Member
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    You're hot....cuz you like good beer.

    Would bang...for beer.

    Bia does not share beer.

    And now you are just another pretty gurl. :P


    I make my own, though. I could sell it if you're interested! :P
  • The_Enginerd
    The_Enginerd Posts: 3,983 Member
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    I :heart: Bia Would buy a beer or dozen.

    Funny how many girls I've heard say they don't want pores to show, and you embrace your pores. I think you look great :flowerforyou:
  • BathtubBadger
    BathtubBadger Posts: 217 Member
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    Thanks for the nice comments, everyone :smooched: :blushing:
  • SRH7
    SRH7 Posts: 2,037 Member
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    Love this - v funny. And love the lipstick - which shade/brand is it?
  • Mischievous_Rascal
    Mischievous_Rascal Posts: 1,791 Member
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    You look great! And you're flipping hilarious!! Thanks