How do you help someone with anorexia who doesn't want it?

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  • cwaters120
    cwaters120 Posts: 354 Member
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    You cannot help someone who doesn't want help. You can only be there for them and be persistent (without being pushy). After all, it is their life, not yours.

    I hope she sees what is happening and gets help, before it's too late.. :flowerforyou:
    THIS^^^ I WAS anorexic all through high school due to peer pressure and childhood nicknames I (at the time in a teenagers mind) had because I was "fat". The ONLY thing that helped me, made me realize how unhealthy it was, was getting pregnant with my twins. THEY were more important to me than my weight and I started eating again (although not healthily hence being with MFP! :ohwell: ). It will take SOMETHING that is more important to your friend than how she sees herself. It will actually take the help of a good nutritionist/counselor to TEACH her she can eat, eat healthy and not be "fat". I wasn't able to go that route and wound up going WAY in the other direction - I hope, for her sake and those who love her, that she quickly realized her health is at risk and can get qualified help. All you can do is love her and be there for her :flowerforyou:
  • I_Will_Be_The_Swan
    I_Will_Be_The_Swan Posts: 132
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    If you try to force her into recovery, she'll eventually play along. Until she gets out.

    Then, she'll be back at it with a vengeance.

    Try to help her through her personal problems - career, relationships, anything - and let her know that you'll always be there to help her. Don't condone her behaviour, don't sit back and watch. Offer her healthier solutions and treatment, but never push. You have to remain calm and practical.
  • maybeazure
    maybeazure Posts: 301 Member
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    I can't believe some of the dark-aged mentality on this site. How does one change if they are an addict or anorexic? They need external help like I did. You can want to change all you like but it doesn't work for everyone. Not everyone has a strong constitution or is emotionally or mentally well. If you see a friend dying of anorexia or drug addiction and do nothing, shame on all of you!!!

    I agree that she needs help. It sounds like you have had some personal experience with this. What could someone say or do to make her agree to it?
  • DancesWithBirds
    DancesWithBirds Posts: 25 Member
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    If I was worried that a friend's life was in danger because of self-destructive behavior, I would consider holding an intervention. There is lots of great information out there on how to proceed.
  • _SABOTEUR_
    _SABOTEUR_ Posts: 6,833 Member
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    All you can do for now is be there for her (even if she tries to avoid you or push you away). When (and if) she decides to talk to you about her problems, then you can try and persuade her to take action.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
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    Your friend needs outside help, even if she doesn't want it. I sought help on my own, and I don't know how you go about intervening in the destructive spiral of another person. But I've known people whose families stepped in to treat eating disorders, alcoholism and other addictions. Even if she goes through treatment and does the same thing again, any break could be the break that saves her life.

    You could call someone who treats eating disorders and ask for advice. You could talk discreetly to her family members.
  • jamielynas
    jamielynas Posts: 366 Member
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    I dropped to 120lbs or so with anorexia, despite everyone around me begging/screaming/reasoning/forcing and doing everything in their power to try and get me better nothing helped, I saw doctors, shrinks and an ED specialist and nothing, the hardest part of having an ED is trying to make others understand, but they can't because an ED is not logical, your friend will help herself, or become incredibly ill, fingers crossed it's the former, I don't mean ANY of this to sound harsh, it's just my experience
  • Graelwyn75
    Graelwyn75 Posts: 4,404 Member
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    Do people ever actually bother to check the posting date on the original post ?
  • wugegoodwin
    wugegoodwin Posts: 2
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    I agree. She can be institutionalized for a bit to see if it helps. A family member can do it.
  • MelsAuntie
    MelsAuntie Posts: 2,833 Member
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    Unfortunately, you cannot help somebody who does not want to be helped. There was an article a couple of days ago on AOL, a girl 5' 8" who was down to 80 lbs., and she looked terrible, but thought she was lovely and refused all help. Her family managed to get her on that show "Intervention" and into a program for a short time--with her saying over and over she didn't want a program--and after a couple of weeks with little progress, she checked out. She had been TOLD that she would be dead in two days at the rate she was going, and she would rather risk that than be "fat". It was all faulty body perception. Sad, sick woman. Good luck, I hope your friend has more sense than that poor girl.
  • MelsAuntie
    MelsAuntie Posts: 2,833 Member
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    I can't believe some of the dark-aged mentality on this site. How does one change if they are an addict or anorexic? They need external help like I did. You can want to change all you like but it doesn't work for everyone. Not everyone has a strong constitution or is emotionally or mentally well. If you see a friend dying of anorexia or drug addiction and do nothing, shame on all of you!!!


    What can you do? Jump her, ram a tube down her throat and force-feed her? If she won't listen to reason or entreaties, and she refuses to see a problem or go for help, she cannot be compelled.
  • vegalicious80
    vegalicious80 Posts: 1 Member
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    If any of you find something that works, please share as I'm dealing with this with my housemate at the moment. It's very stressful for all concerned (her, me, our friends, her family, her colleagues). There are so many dynamics/facets to the issue, with so many potentials to make it worse if we do or say the wrong thing. Yet standing by and watching her slowly starve herself to death is horrible. :(
  • NordicAlien
    NordicAlien Posts: 110 Member
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    As for her sequestering herself and breaking plans with you: don't call and say, 'I'll drive! Don't worry!' Show up. If she breaks plans, say, "Sorry, I'm already on my way." Don't give her outs to withdraw from people more into her world.

    This. A lot of people with eating disorders seem to push friends and family away. I don't know if it's a result of the eating disorder itself or if they both stem from low self-esteem and feeling like people wouldn't really miss you.

    Don't let her push you away. It'll be hard. Sometimes you'll want to walk out. One of my closest friends has suffered since we were 16 (we're now 28 and 29). I remember telling her once that I felt like she was in the ocean, treading water and screaming for help, and every time someone threw her a life preserver she either ducked or threw it back. (I would not recommend saying something like this to your friend unless you're pretty sure how she would react; me and mine have always vowed honesty even when we need to be brutal, and I know she appreciated it.) Other times you'll feel like you're a mean bully. It's not nice to have to impose your will on someone else, even when they need it.

    And it's hard to strike the right balance - so much of anorexia is about control, about controlling the diet because the person feels like they can't control other aspects of their life, so doing things that take MORE control away from them seems downright cruel at times.

    You can't force her to eat. You can't force her to get therapy. You CAN try to coerce. When she tells you she has to cancel plans, you can tell her, "Sweetheart, I am going to show up outside your door at 5pm tomorrow, as planned. You can choose to let me in or not, but I AM going to be there." I don't like coercion, generally - I'm someone who politely states my point, backs it up with logic, and if people don't respond then I respect their free will. This doesn't work with people who are battling both a major load of psychological demons and the mental impairment and loss of rationality that comes along with starvation. I say beg, bribe or blackmail. Do whatever's necessary. And if, God forbid, you lose her...then you know that you did all you could.

    Topic's old by now, but I wish you the best of luck. And that goes for anyone else in this situation too.

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