Wonderful comments from my mother...

LearnFromTheRed
LearnFromTheRed Posts: 294 Member
in Motivation and Support
Apologies, I just had to vent this - it's something and nothing but I could just do with putting it in writing.

When I spoke to my mother on the phone last week she enquired about my health and I excitedly told her I had lost ten pounds.

Most people's reaction to this would be "Ooh, well done!" but not her - instead she gave me a lecture about how easy it is to lose control and let it all go and pile on the pounds and whatnot. After a pause she obviously realised this wasn't actually in keeping with the positive news I'd just given her, and tried to rescue it with some remark about me apparently starting to 'get on top of it'.

Today we met up and it was so hot I had to go and get changed into shorts before we went for a walk. Out of the blue she asked me (in public in front of a load of other people) what my dress size was. I could feel where this was going, so I jokingly said, "That's a bit of a personal question!".

"Well," she replied, "If I'm looking for clothes for you I never know what size to look for. I used to buy a 10, or even an 8, but now...".

My mum hasn't bought me clothes in years, and probably shouldn't be thinking about it anyway, given that I'm 32 - it was clearly just an excuse to find out. I shrugged and said, "These shorts are a 10".

She looks at me with apparently total incredulity.

"They're not."

"Er, YES, actually, they are," I reply, "Thanks a lot for that!" (May not have been my exact words.)

I think this might be the first time in 32 years I've actually head-on challenged a comment which was ultimately (I felt) rather impolite. Believe me, this is the tip of the iceberg with comments from my mother, some of which have knocked friends and colleagues into stunned silence when I've told them the things she says about me and to me.

It sounds like nothing when put down here, but it was a small victory for me over years of accepting comments which can be at best not very supportive and at worst downright destructive.

In keeping with this, when she asked me how work was going and I told her it was going really very well, which it is, she fell completely silent, withdrew from conversation completely and sat looking miserable for ten minutes. Heaven forbid I should be successful and happy in anything.

Sigh.

Note to self: you are doing all this for YOU, not for your mother...

Replies

  • Zombella
    Zombella Posts: 491 Member
    Sorry to hear that your mother is being that way.. I know exactly what you are talking about! My mother usually gives "compliments" fishing for information that she will later on talk about with others. She (overweight since before I was born) would always complain about being fat, then would be like "Oh I am wearing your pants!" or "I weigh less than you" (different body types) to make herself feel better.. as if we are her competition,. As you said, you are doing it for YOU, not HER. Don't listen to her negativity.
  • LearnFromTheRed
    LearnFromTheRed Posts: 294 Member
    Thank you - it's nice to have someone who understands :)

    To be honest, going out in shorts in public, especially somewhere that I could have met dozens of people that I knew, was a real achievement for me anyway - this town hasn't seen my legs pretty much ever!!!
  • murphey21
    murphey21 Posts: 126 Member
    Congrats on standing up to your mom and you are so right it is all about you and not your mom! Enough said! Be proud of you and the achievements you have done so far! Congrats and good luck!
  • cath14967
    cath14967 Posts: 27
    Only the people we care about can hurt us that way.
    Well done for standing up for yourself. You, like the rest of us, are intitled to happy.
    I also know how it feels to be on the recieving end of family negativity. I feel they do it for a few reasons. One they need to feel better themselves so put others down. Two they are jealous of your success so feel the need to put you down. Three they are just down right rude and haven't got the wit to think before they speak.
    All of these reasons are a reflection of them and not you.
    Well done on your weight loss!
    "Nothing is impossible to a willing heart" - John Heywood 16th Century English Poet
  • LearnFromTheRed
    LearnFromTheRed Posts: 294 Member
    You lot have got me in tears here...!
  • justdoingit13
    justdoingit13 Posts: 18
    Even though we try to let things like this roll off our backs because we love the people who say them it still really hurts and we have a tendency to bury it and hold on to it. Try very hard to let it go. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your mother! My Mom is 88 and her non support is getting worse as the years go by. It is sort of like a child who just says what is in their heads and haven't learned to filter their comments for society and the feelings of the other people. My Mom looked at a picture of my sister and said "I don't know who that fat lady is?" My sister lost weight and she looked at the same picture and told her how fat she was....not how great she looks now.
  • ckish
    ckish Posts: 341 Member
    Although my mother is more loving and supportive than I sometimes deserve I have dealt with this issue with regards to my in-laws. In the 35 years I have known my mother-in-law I have never been the "right" weight. I have been (in her eye) an "obese elephant" and "anorexic". Although neither are true I laughed when I realized that at no time between the 2 was I ever "right". Thankfully, I have a loving family who has helped me realize that just because she says or thinks something about me it doesn't necessarily mean it is a true or accurate reflection of who I am or what I do. The strength and wisdom I have gained from this has been extremely helpful in helping my 2 daughters retain their self esteem and disregard her negative comments. For many years it became a sad game we would play when we see her. We would all guess who would get the first negative comment, who would get the most comments, the cruelest, etc. My family realized that no matter what they did well that my MIL would NEVER be able to complement them. In the rare occasion she started to say something positive we new that the end of the sentence would negate anything positive she said in the beginning. Such as...It's nice that your company promotes from within and doesn't actually look to hire someone who is qualified to do the job......It's nice that the kids GPA is so high but it is probably because they take such easy classes.......That is a nice hair cut because it hides the fact that you have such a big nose.....In the end my family has learned that your worth and value is not diminished because someone fails to recognize your value.
  • LearnFromTheRed
    LearnFromTheRed Posts: 294 Member
    Just wanted to say thanks to those who replied - I had an unexpected good cry after reading it all! Hopefully this is a positive step and that red number will bet a lot bigger (and maybe there will be some other changes too!!) x
  • PunkinSpice79
    PunkinSpice79 Posts: 309 Member
    Dang! I'm sorry. Only people who are miserable and unhappy seek to make others that way. They can't climb up so they try to bring you down. I keep my dad at a distance for just this reason. It took me a long time to learn that family doesn't always have your best interest at heart and they aren't always safe for you to be "close" to. I'm sorry about all of this. You're doing so well! Keep positive!!! You did a great job handling this.
  • jeanywren
    jeanywren Posts: 72 Member
    I know how you feel and the hurt that comes with such remarks. I am the oldest of two, my sister being the "cuter, smaller, spoiled one. I excelled in school, behavior and everything possible but could never knock her off the pedestal. My sister at one point even admitted to have been jealous of my marks in school and the abilities I have learned, other than housekeeping that she knew. As old as I am, never did learn how to shrug that favoritism off. Best of luck to you, you are doing well and keep it up.
  • gigila72
    gigila72 Posts: 32 Member
    People struggle with what to say when other's are loosing weight but it is hard to have a critical parent. I'm guessing she is critical in other areas of your life too. :wink:
  • NaomiJFoster
    NaomiJFoster Posts: 1,450 Member
    Mothers have a way of really getting right to the core of our souls with their offhand comments, don't they? In a way that other people don't, it just effects us differently when it's from Mom.

    My mom is very supportive, but then every once in a while she gives me these weird backward comments that come out of nowhere. Last year we went somewhere together sort of dressed up. I had on a dress that I especially liked and I was feeling pretty good about myself. It was before I'd lost any weight, and actually before I'd really started trying. But I looked cute!! So she's looking at my dress and looking at me, and she complimented me. She almost always does, she likes the way I dress. So she said it was a pretty dress, and that I looked nice. Great :-) About an hour later, she's still looking me up and down. Then she blurts out "I thought it was a pretty dress...but are you sure you're wearing the right size for your body like this?" And *poof* just like that, my cute feelings were all gone.
  • corgicake
    corgicake Posts: 846 Member
    There's no such thing as a 'meh' mom - you either love 'em or want to move halfway across the country to get away from 'em. I'm in your boat... she's never pulled the size question, partly because she knows I can dish up non-answers in my sleep... but she does the rest of the routine. She's my mom but I'm not shy about counter-trolling her if she's gone too far though.
  • sympha01
    sympha01 Posts: 942 Member
    Sorry to hear about your experience. Mothers can sometimes be like that with daughters -- I think there's a tendency for mothers to see daughters as an extension of themselves more than they do with sons. So the stuff mom struggles with for herself, she hates to see in her daughter, and some moms can really have a hard time recognizing the boundaries.

    Her criticizing you is -- in a way (an unfortunately hurtful and dysfunctional way) -- her wanting to protect you from her own failings and flaws and whatever things she wishes she could change about herself. It could be your weight, your love life, your career, whatever. My mom still does it a lot too, and I'm in my 40s!
  • mjrkearney
    mjrkearney Posts: 408 Member
    Some people just don't quite get it. Unfortunately, parents tend to fall in that category. They don't quite realize that you understand what they're saying and that you're capable of making your own decisions.

    I don't recall my mother making any comments about my weight to my face, but given how often she talks about my sisters behind their backs, I shudder to think what she's said about me. Although, it should be interesting what comes up at the next reunion, if there is one. Of the four of us, the stunning one is 43 and more concerned about being Mommy than getting thin. The heartbreaker is "starting to look like her grandmother", who died at 300+ pounds. The tiny one was deliberately putting on weight to get pregnant (and has succeeded). The fat one is now down more than 50 pounds and counting. Mother dearest herself is now asking me for fitness and diet advice since her doctor wants her to lose 10 pounds or so.
  • KathleenKP
    KathleenKP Posts: 580 Member
    I know just what this is like. It is so very hard to overcome this kind of thing from a mother, even when it's either not true, said with a mean spirit, or you otherwise know you shouldn't be taking it to heart. It is only in the last couple of months that I have realized to what extent all the things she has said have affected me. Or rather...I guess I kind of knew...but to realize that I *can* find the strength to believe in myself, even when she always portrayed to me that I wasn't worthy.

    I agree with it coming from a place of insecurity. My mother's most hurtful comments about my siblings (that she made to me) - I've always been able to see right through to where she was complaining about some issue she was dealing with herself. But when I was the target of her comments, I couldn't see that. I could only see the hurt she placed on me.

    But, unfortunately, knowing it's coming from insecurity on her part doesn't make it any easier to blow off.
  • LearnFromTheRed
    LearnFromTheRed Posts: 294 Member
    Thanks everyone - I even woke up this morning worrying that I might find an e-mail saying I'd offended her or something...that's only happened a couple of times in my whole life but it only takes it happening once to contaminate your inbox for ever!!

    Shows how much it got to me. I was lying in bed last night and found myself running through all kinds of situations which to anyone on the outside would probably look horrendous, but for me have been normal (even If I have known deep-down they weren't). How I wish I'd stood up to THOSE at the time...

    Time for an injection of self-confidence, methinks :-S
  • Zombella
    Zombella Posts: 491 Member
    I was lying in bed last night and found myself running through all kinds of situations which to anyone on the outside would probably look horrendous, but for me have been normal (even If I have known deep-down they weren't). How I wish I'd stood up to THOSE at the time...

    Yeah I feel you with that. I've also done that way too many times. It is nice to know that there are others who have gone through similar situations, I think that it being your parent, or specifically mother, can be hard on a person.

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