Alzheimer's Caregivers?

Is anyone out there dealing with an Alzheimer's patient? My mother in law, who is about 89, is with us for a month to give her younger son a respite. She can'r emember anything more recent than about 40 yearsago, operates on a two-year-old level, and has mastered the art of innocent expression and verbal agreement, while passively refusing to eat or drink much of anything or to tend to any sort of bodily hygiene. I had to bully her a bit---hated to do it, but otherwise she will stall all day and all night--to get her naked and in the shower, where I managed to wash her hair, but I'm damned if I'm going to wash her privates, even though she leaks like a colander and has refused to wear her adult diapers or any underwear at all, so the guest room reeks of urine. I've been in filthy truck-stop bathrooms that smelled better than this poor old woman. She is paying me back for the shower with a sweet smile and a refusal to eat anything at all. It's nearly 5 p.m., and the only thing I've managed to get down her is half a cup of black coffee. I know this has nothing to do with any of you, but I am at my wits' end with her. Everyone else is lucky enough to be out haying in 85-degree heat while I'm trying to eldersit this recalcitrant old woman. I do not want her to die on my watch, but she's been hospitalized recently for severe dehydration. I can't force-feed her, and I can't wear her out ( she has nothing else to do but refuse, while I have a farm to tend). Any solutions or tips will be gratefully accepted.

Replies

ostrichagain

I wish I had more to offer you than empathy. Keep food within reach and maybe if you keep her entertained, she'll forget to be stubborn and eat. I don't know. Good luck! You can always take her to the hospital if you are concerned she is dehydrated or undernourished. I've had to do that before.

My grandmother had dementia in her last years and I remember it took half the day to get her out of bed and dressed. She was so confused, I would get confused. What day is it? Where am I? Who are you? I don't even know anymore!
My son has severe autism and functions at the level of an 18 mo. old, which is not the same, but I know it' hard. Every day is a new adventure.

elenathegreat

When my sister and I were left on weekends to tend my 70+ year old Gramma(who also had Alzheimer's and dementia which worsened toward sundown), we could always get her to eat canned peaches with ice cream...she could NOT resist, no matter how crabby she was.

PS Sis was in seventh grade, and I was in eighth grade at the time...we ate a lot of ice cream and peaches that summer...

MrsSenecal

When my sister and I were left on weekends to tend my 70+ year old Gramma(who also had Alzheimer's and dementia which worsened toward sundown), we could always get her to eat canned peaches with ice cream...she could NOT resist, no matter how crabby she was.

PS Sis was in seventh grade, and I was in eighth grade at the time...we ate a lot of ice cream and peaches that summer...

Awwwww!!

CeCeHarris

Hello honey

I feel for you. I'm a cook at an Alzheimer's facility and I know one thing for certain is that you guys should hire a home care aide. That is a serious issue to deal with and it takes lots of patience. Until then you can try to meet her where she is. There is something we call "Join the Journey" which means listen to what she is saying and go there with her. Make everything a fun adventure as if she was a "two-year old". Make it fun and exciting and I guarantee you will get her to do the things you need her to do.

Ce Ce
Good luck

MelsAuntie

Hello honey

I feel for you. I'm a cook at an Alzheimer's facility and I know one thing for certain is that you guys should hire a home care aide. That is a serious issue to deal with and it takes lots of patience. Until then you can try to meet her where she is. There is something we call "Join the Journey" which means listen to what she is saying and go there with her. Make everything a fun adventure as if she was a "two-year old". Make it fun and exciting and I guarantee you will get her to do the things you need her to do.

Ce Ce
Good luck

I've tried that...I've taken 45 minutes to get her to eat a quarter of a hard-cooked duck egg by telling her it was an adventure. Ten minutes between each tiny nibble. Ask her what she wants, she invarably says she isn't hungry, or that she already has a mouthtful ( complete lie, blowing out her cheeks and pointing to her face). There is no way we have the money for home care without taking out a bank loan, when all the money coming in is going for fuel, baling twine, rotary rake repairs, so forth. Maybe hubby can talk her into something. She's exhausting and frustrating, and I'm pretty sure she knows it.

lingading

I am a nurse in a nursing home and deal with Alzheimer's patients from time to time.

Offer things like Ensure or Boost (call them milkshakes) or ice cream - anything you think she'll accept, really. If she goes more than 24 hours without drinking anything at all, get her to a hospital. The elderly can dehydrate easily.

When she says things that don't make sense to you (like talking about waiting for a parent that has been dead for years), go with it. Ask questions. Show interest, even if it seems ridiculous. It may not make sense to you, but it can really turn up the defiance factor coming from her if you adamantly oppose that which she finds to be reality. The more she trusts you, the easier things will be.

SailorKnightWing

My family takes care of my 90 year old grandmother with worsening dementia. We were taking turns caring for her with my aunt in two month stretches, but her husband recently died after a long fight with cancer so we've had her for nearly a year. She remembers everything up to the last ten years more or less perfectly, which was when she had a series of small strokes. Now she can't form new memories and always thinks I'm home from college on summer break, regardless of the time of year (I graduated 3 years ago), or even still in high school. She also refuses to eat almost entirely, except for chocolate, which we have to hide from her or else she makes herself sick. I think the worst part is how she's always cold, even in 90 degree weather. She's really in danger of overheating so we try to get her to take off her sweater when she sits outside, but she always seems to have one.

AmyMgetsfit

It has not been recent as my mom has been gone for 20 years now. In her early 70's she was diagnosed with alzheimers. My sister and I lived in another state, but came home to help dad with her for a couple of weeks. We had a home health care nurse come in to give her a bath 3 times a week. But everything else we had to do. She was also prone to violent outbursts. It was hard. She broke her hip twice because she got up without using her walker. During her last hospital stay she developed sepsis and passed away. I think my dad was kind of relieved when she passed, he had been taking care of her for a year and he was worn out. He couldn't leave the house to go to the bank or store without someone coming in to watch her. My aunt(my dad's sister) was watching her when she fell and broke her hip the last time. She had to use the bathroom and mom got up without her walker and fell. She never left the hospital after that one. My aunt always felt it was her fault and she should have never taken her eyes off of her. She always remembered my 2 oldest kids, but could never remember out 3rd one who was around 11 years old. She could never remember if she ate. She would eat breakfast and then 10 minutes after she ate she would say she really should eat breakfast but just doesn't feel hungry. I'd say mom you just ate breakfast 10 minutes ago. She would say, oh I did?

tmauck4472

Is anyone out there dealing with an Alzheimer's patient? My mother in law, who is about 89, is with us for a month to give her younger son a respite. She can'r emember anything more recent than about 40 yearsago, operates on a two-year-old level, and has mastered the art of innocent expression and verbal agreement, while passively refusing to eat or drink much of anything or to tend to any sort of bodily hygiene. I had to bully her a bit---hated to do it, but otherwise she will stall all day and all night--to get her naked and in the shower, where I managed to wash her hair, but I'm damned if I'm going to wash her privates, even though she leaks like a colander and has refused to wear her adult diapers or any underwear at all, so the guest room reeks of urine. I've been in filthy truck-stop bathrooms that smelled better than this poor old woman. She is paying me back for the shower with a sweet smile and a refusal to eat anything at all. It's nearly 5 p.m., and the only thing I've managed to get down her is half a cup of black coffee. I know this has nothing to do with any of you, but I am at my wits' end with her. Everyone else is lucky enough to be out haying in 85-degree heat while I'm trying to eldersit this recalcitrant old woman. I do not want her to die on my watch, but she's been hospitalized recently for severe dehydration. I can't force-feed her, and I can't wear her out ( she has nothing else to do but refuse, while I have a farm to tend). Any solutions or tips will be gratefully accepted.

If you can't do it then get someone else. She doesn't remember how to, even if you just showed her how, she doesn't know she's being stubborn. I understand frustration but she can't help it and that's the ONE thing you need to keep in mind. You can not tend to her and a farm. Sorry she needs 24 hour care and if you can't or won't do it then find someone who can or will. I took care of my Grandfather for 2 months before he passed away. And for 2 years before he got really sick. Awesome of you to give someone else a break but if your going to be mean to her you need to give her back. And if she smells then the other person isn't doing their job either. We washed Grandpa every other day, we changed his diapers. Yes it sucks seeing his private parts, but I'm sure if he knew we were looking at them he'd be just as horrified over it. Suck it up and just do it.

clairekraw

There are a lot of long term care facilities out there...and many have special Alzeihmer's care units. I would check out CareConversations.org for some info - there's lots of great resources on that page for adult caregivers. They also have a facility locator, so you can type in the zip code of where you are looking for care and find facilities in your area. That might be a good place to start.

krazyforyou

Alzheimers's is a progressive disease, which only gets worse. When my mother died I promised her to take care of her only remaining sister, my Aunt. Well it did not take long for me to realize that I could no longer take care of her the way she needed. So regretfully I placed her in a longterm dementia care facility. Best thing I ever did for her. She recieves the care she needs and Gid love them they truely care for her. Sometimes the hard decisions are the best thing fot the patient.

tmauck4472

We were told NOT to force them to eat. It's their body trying to shut down. We were also warned not to argue with him because they truly believe what they are saying. I get being frustrated, but wash her and get over the fact that you are washing her privates, put yourself in her position, I'm sure she'd be greatful to be clean even if she doesn't thank you for it.

homebrewer84128

alzheiemers.org has a 24/7 support line...please phone them for your sanity

JenCatwalk

Is anyone out there dealing with an Alzheimer's patient? My mother in law, who is about 89, is with us for a month to give her younger son a respite. She can'r emember anything more recent than about 40 yearsago, operates on a two-year-old level, and has mastered the art of innocent expression and verbal agreement, while passively refusing to eat or drink much of anything or to tend to any sort of bodily hygiene. I had to bully her a bit---hated to do it, but otherwise she will stall all day and all night--to get her naked and in the shower, where I managed to wash her hair, but I'm damned if I'm going to wash her privates, even though she leaks like a colander and has refused to wear her adult diapers or any underwear at all, so the guest room reeks of urine. I've been in filthy truck-stop bathrooms that smelled better than this poor old woman. She is paying me back for the shower with a sweet smile and a refusal to eat anything at all. It's nearly 5 p.m., and the only thing I've managed to get down her is half a cup of black coffee. I know this has nothing to do with any of you, but I am at my wits' end with her. Everyone else is lucky enough to be out haying in 85-degree heat while I'm trying to eldersit this recalcitrant old woman. I do not want her to die on my watch, but she's been hospitalized recently for severe dehydration. I can't force-feed her, and I can't wear her out ( she has nothing else to do but refuse, while I have a farm to tend). Any solutions or tips will be gratefully accepted.

Listen, I'm currently a caregiver to an 89 year ols woman with old timers and whatnot. Let me tell you this woman is the biggest bitxh if she wants to be. She demands, she's a perfectionist, she has to be given a slice of pie with her food from time to time or she wont eat. Sometimes there are things she can do herself but she insists on showing out and making demands, talking to me in a condescending way, etc. However... ive learned to understand that she is 89 years old, her mind is gone, she's gonna do what she does no matter what, and there's no point in tryin to get her change her ways.. because she won't remember anyway. An 89 year old with half their mind left really does need help with a lot of things.. hygiene, making sure they eat, are clothed, basic needs met, bathed, privates washed.. etc. So despite the fact that this woman says or acts in ways that if a normal person actes or said, I'd punch the *kitten* outta them.. I don't take it personally because I remember her mind is gone. At most I walk outta the room for about 5 minutes if she really rubs me wrong, but then I go back and make sure her basic needs are met because 1 its my job and 2, its called respect for the elder. Youre gonna be old one day and may need help washing your privates. My suggestion is just suck it up and don't take it personally simply due to the fact that her mind is gone. Like it or not this woman now depends on you to live... she will die overwise. As far as dipers have you tried putting them on her yourself? Even if you have to use a little force? You might have to start doing that.. Any family members willing to help for a few hours?

HMVOL7409

Is anyone out there dealing with an Alzheimer's patient? My mother in law, who is about 89, is with us for a month to give her younger son a respite. She can'r emember anything more recent than about 40 yearsago, operates on a two-year-old level, and has mastered the art of innocent expression and verbal agreement, while passively refusing to eat or drink much of anything or to tend to any sort of bodily hygiene. I had to bully her a bit---hated to do it, but otherwise she will stall all day and all night--to get her naked and in the shower, where I managed to wash her hair, but I'm damned if I'm going to wash her privates, even though she leaks like a colander and has refused to wear her adult diapers or any underwear at all, so the guest room reeks of urine. I've been in filthy truck-stop bathrooms that smelled better than this poor old woman. She is paying me back for the shower with a sweet smile and a refusal to eat anything at all. It's nearly 5 p.m., and the only thing I've managed to get down her is half a cup of black coffee. I know this has nothing to do with any of you, but I am at my wits' end with her. Everyone else is lucky enough to be out haying in 85-degree heat while I'm trying to eldersit this recalcitrant old woman. I do not want her to die on my watch, but she's been hospitalized recently for severe dehydration. I can't force-feed her, and I can't wear her out ( she has nothing else to do but refuse, while I have a farm to tend). Any solutions or tips will be gratefully accepted.

If you can't do it then get someone else. She doesn't remember how to, even if you just showed her how, she doesn't know she's being stubborn. I understand frustration but she can't help it and that's the ONE thing you need to keep in mind. You can not tend to her and a farm. Sorry she needs 24 hour care and if you can't or won't do it then find someone who can or will. I took care of my Grandfather for 2 months before he passed away. And for 2 years before he got really sick. Awesome of you to give someone else a break but if your going to be mean to her you need to give her back. And if she smells then the other person isn't doing their job either. We washed Grandpa every other day, we changed his diapers. Yes it sucks seeing his private parts, but I'm sure if he knew we were looking at them he'd be just as horrified over it. Suck it up and just do it.

This.

I'm a nurse who works with A/D patients daily and I will say your frustration while understandable is only making things worse. Is there someone else there to intervene and take over bc they will feel your anger and that intensifies their anxiety. She doesn't know and she's not doing anything on purpose to annoy you so please realize her mind is in a different state. I'm a little taken back that you take someone in to care for but won't cleanse them when they can't and allow them to sit in filth. That's neglect. If your family is unable to handle her care while her son needs the respite then you need to have the discussion your place is not a reliable one or it's time for placement for her. Good luck and I hope you find a solution soon but please step aside for awhile to release the burnout.

ChiKann

I am a nurse at a long term care facility. You should be able to get some financial assistance from Medicare or even Medicaid (in the form of a program called Home Based Community Services) for home care. They can help with bathing and incontinence care. Some places you can check with to find out how to get help are your Drs office, the Social Worker at your local nursing home or your local "Agency on Ageing". Her Dr may be able to prescribe medication to increase her appetite so that she will want to eat.

As for eating now, she should have whatever she will eat. I usually try to give reluctant eaters whatever I wouldn't eat because there are too many calories. So, add butter, sugar and oils to whatever you can. One of my favorites is to add ice cream to a hot chocolate, or a hot chocolate mix to coffee to make a mocha. If you do use ensure or an equivalent, I would add ice cream or even a couple of tablespoons of organic coconut oil. Make every little bit of what she will eat or drink calorie rich. We add butter and lots of brown sugar to oatmeal.

Good luck.

msladydove

I would say the family needs to hire someone to care for her instead of resenting caring for her. It is the family responsability to make sure she is properly taken care of.

JenCatwalk

I would say the family needs to hire someone to care for her instead of resenting caring for her.

Hi mom. :flowerforyou:

msladydove

Hie Sweetie

msladydove

I don[t mean to be rude when I say this but ,,,, what was you thinking to agree to take care of this woman? What I am really hearing from you is ;;;

I resent caring for her, she is doing these things to ruin my day, I have farm work to do and that is more important then taking care of my inlaw, and I dont care if my mother in law is clean or not.........
etc

I am not trying to be mean but I have taken care of seniors since 1981 for a living. This is something that needs to be said to a lot of families out there when faced with caring for an elderly loved one.

She can get a Urinary Tract Infection if you don't clean her priivates. That can lead to her becoming septic and could cost her her life.

You all need to hire someone.... seriously

umieto

Former domiciliary carer here (specialised in end of life and final stages of dementia) and current med student.

First off, I have the greatest respect for anyone caring for anyone else. It is hard in so many ways and I understand your very obvious frustration. But, your mother in law is incredibly vulnerable and as such her well-being is absolutely a priority.

I hate to be blunt but if you're not going to maintain her hygiene then you need to get her to someone who will. Neglecting her intimate personal care is not just a case of her smelling bad, (and her dignity and quality of life) it's about her health. Urinary tract infections develop incredibly quickly and could rapidly progress to nephritis, and more often than not in older patients this leads acute renal failure. I mean, I had nephritis as a very healthy 19 year old and it led to acute renal failure. At 89 that will probably be fatal. Alzheimer's greatly weakens the body's immune system and the most frequent cause of death in Alzheimer's patients are from infections like pneumonia. Second is dehydration.

Her behaviour isn't as manipulative or deliberate as you think it is. As cognitive function lessens behaviour reduces to simpler and simpler patterns and often all that is left is fear and aggression. She can't understand your behaviour, your feelings, your body language, your reasoning because at this point she's not even aware of her own. It's so easy to read malice or spite into the behaviour of those with dementia but it truly isn't there. If I had a penny for every time I've been sworn at, spat on, kicked, punched, etc I could buy a house. What you have to consider is that she no longer has the cognitive function to manage simple self-care tasks like washing. If she can't do that then she certainly doesn't have the capacity to be intentionally malicious. Just let it wash over you if you can. If you can't, again I'm afraid I have to urge you to seek outside help.

Bullying her into doing things is only going to make things worse. It leads to a terrible cycle, trust me. Also, I think that you should be aware that within care any form of coercion is considered to be abusive.

Her decreased appetite is probably partially due to her condition and partially due to her medication. The go-to meds for Alzheimer's will decrease her appetite pretty significantly, and can cause fairly constant nausea. Often something like omeprazole will be prescribed with that (because the other medications cause an excess of stomach acid), and it can decrease appetite. If she's on anti-psychotics they have a tendency to decrease appetite also. You can ask for a medication review and explain that she won't eat or drink, but honestly there's only so much you can do in terms of medication. As has been mentioned Ensure, Build-up or Fortsip are good for getting extra nutrition in and they actually taste pretty nice.

If she's still physically able to eat you can try and coax her with her favourite food. She won't understand why she needs to eat no matter how much you try and explain, and she won't feel hungry because of the cocktail of meds she is likely on, but she possibly has enough awareness that a favourite food might pique her interest. Even if she eats cheesecake five times a day it's better than nothing (unless she's got any other medical conditions that would be affected by this). PEG tubes/feeding tubes aren't really an option in Alzheimer's, so you need to try and keep her eating as long as possible.

Sorry this has been an essay but it seems like you've chosen to do something good without being fully aware of the scope of what you're dealing with. Like I said, I sympathise and I know how hard it is, but you need some outside help. And that's for your sake as well as your mother in law's.

I wish you every luck and I hope that you can find the support you both need at this difficult time.

TigerBite

Hey there!

This disease is hard on both the sufferer and the caregiver, just remeber that. If you knew you couldn't remember things wouldn't that frustrate you? Plus, the sufferer tends to become confused and irritatble because of this, in addition to the fact that their brain is literally deteriorating/shriviling up inside their skull and there "ain't" a damn thing they can do about it.

My family to care of my nonna for 24 years ... yes 24 ... she was diagnosed with Alz. in 1985 (I was born in '87) ... at no point did we ever consider putting her in a nursing home. My nonno took care of her up until the day he died (of cancer in '99, actually towards the end, my mom was basically living at their house, taking care of both of them ... while working fulltime (as a director of nursing for a homecare agency, she's an RN) and getting he masters ... yeah, crazy ... but she did it) ... When he died, she came to live with my mom and I ... I was a teenager and took on more responsibility/active role in her care (I fed her, and made sure she didn't wander away from the time I was a small child, but as I got older naturally my role got bigger) ... It was a god-send when she stopped walking in 98', up until that point we were tying her (around the waist) with a bed sheet to the recliner (It was my idea and as an 8 year old I pretty proud that the adults decided to use it lol) ... I have so many crazy stories ... too many to tpe lol ... she finally died in Oct. of '09 when I was 22 ... it was a crazy mix of emotions ...

Depending on where you live, there are programs out there to help care givers ... I live in NJ and my mom actually manages a state grant called "RESPITE" which provides just that, a respite to care givers (it's based on the parient, not the caregiver's income and medicare status, and all that jazz)

I apologize for any typos, but I am legally blind (I have an eye disorder called Stargardt's) ... and have a difficult time proofreading my posts, because of it.

Feel free to PM me if you need support or anything. This disease stresses everyone involved, and it helps to have support. There are also caregiver forums online that you might be interested in.

TigerBite

Also, if she has medicare, you may qualify for a home health aide (at a lower cost than private pay) ... they come and do all the "icky" stuff (i.e. the privates) ... though to be honest, I was helping my mom and my nonno with the care ofmy nonna (feeding,bathroom/bathing stuff) as a child, teenage, and young adult ... (changing diapers and bathing, doing the soiled laundry) ... It's really like taking care of a large child .... both physically and mentally (to some extent, but they are usually smarter, but just as awnry, lol) ...

I know it's hard, but have some compasion.

Lisa760

My biggest advice is to relax. Your frustration, although understandable, won't make things better. My other bit of advice is, don't think she's doing things on purpose to irritate, spite, or get back at you. She has an illness and isn't the same woman she was ten, twenty, thirty years ago. I'm not saying she's NOT using manipulation ... she might very well be ... but you can't operate on the assumption that she is because it'll just frustrate you even more. Don't take it personally. Your mother-in-law, in her youth, ran a household and had people depending on her. So remember, this is frustrating for her, too.

I'm no expert, but I was a caretaker for my grandfather for eight years until his recent passing four months ago. I know it's hard and I understand no two situations are the same. My grandfather required 24/7 care. Our family put our life on hold to make sure he was able to stay home with family and not at a nursing home facility. We did all the bathing, meals, laundry, doctor appointments, medication, etc. At night I'd wake up every two hours to take him to the restroom, otherwise there would be soiled sheets in the morning. He had an emergency button that he'd frequently press in the middle of the night because he'd wake up confused and scared. Sometimes I'd go and check on him, sometimes my children (now ages 12 and 8) would go into his room to reassure him he was at home and safe.

Sometimes he'd refuse to eat and drink. Here's what we did:
- We always sat down together as a family for meals. It helped for him to be on a schedule and to see everyone eating at the same time. Even if he didn't want to eat, he got a plate with food and he sat with us.
- Bribing. No, we were not above bribing the old man (I say that with affection). Eat your dinner first and you can have ice cream, a popsicle, or pudding topped with whipped cream and drizzled ice cream syrup.
- When he could no longer eat solid food, we pureed his meats and veggies and served them on colorful, fun plates and formed them in different shapes with drizzled flavorful sauces.
- Forced choices so he had control over his meals. "Do you want turkey or ham tonight?" "Do you want papaya or bananas with breakfast?"
- Jedi-Mind-Tricks. "Hey Grandpa, I tried a new recipe, take a bite and tell me if I need more salt." "Grandpa, the kids helped to make your dinner tonight, they worked sooo hard, you can taste the love in it!" Yeah, I know it's basically manipulation, but sometimes you just need to get a few spoonfuls in them.

About five years ago, I did something that reminded me to maintain patience with my grandfather. I found a picture of myself and my grandfather from when I was around 3-years-old. In the photo he's holding me in his lap and helping me blow out my birthday candles. I taped that picture on the wall next to his bathroom. Every time I took him to the restroom in the middle of the night, that photo reminded me of all the times he helped me through the years. Now, it was my turn to help him.

I'm not sure if you have that kind of connection with your mother-in-law. But if you have a child of your own, remind yourself that they may find themselves in your mother-in-law's position one day. You'd want their caretaker to care for them with patience and understanding. Care for her now in the way you'd want someone else to care for your child in the future.

You've only got her for one month. You can do it. One day at a time. Set the tone and atmosphere every time you walk into the room. Best of luck to you.

unknown

This content has been removed.

linsey0689

It sounds to me like you need caregiver relief! Talk to her doctor and see if you can get a home health aide in a couple of times a week. It is just wonderful what we can and we are there to spend 100 percent of our energy on her and helping here. I take care of someone that is 90 and she has memory problems but not Alzheimer's. It is hard sometimes but I know I can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do but I change my wording so it is harder to say no. I know this may sound mean but it's not. I will say like would you like to shower before or after breakfast? Because she doesn't enjoy shower she says it's too cold and she did so yesterday when that is not true. And would food sometime she doesn't want to eat so I will say what sounds good for lunch today and name a few things. I would really look in to getting a caregiver if you can. it would make everything a lot better I do believe

karlafrancis

I'm seeing lots of advice on here about getting a home health aide to help you, etc. You only have her for a month! My advice to you is suck it up and make sure you show your appreciation to the person you are giving respite to. They do this 24/7 all the time, and deserve getting a break. You need to remember this is the woman who lovingly took care of your husband for many years. Just open yourself up to be the vessel of God's love for this woman. Try to care for her with love. For one month. Then send her back where she came from, with a big Thank You, for all they do.

MelsAuntie

Is anyone out there dealing with an Alzheimer's patient? My mother in law, who is about 89, is with us for a month to give her younger son a respite. She can'r emember anything more recent than about 40 yearsago, operates on a two-year-old level, and has mastered the art of innocent expression and verbal agreement, while passively refusing to eat or drink much of anything or to tend to any sort of bodily hygiene. I had to bully her a bit---hated to do it, but otherwise she will stall all day and all night--to get her naked and in the shower, where I managed to wash her hair, but I'm damned if I'm going to wash her privates, even though she leaks like a colander and has refused to wear her adult diapers or any underwear at all, so the guest room reeks of urine. I've been in filthy truck-stop bathrooms that smelled better than this poor old woman. She is paying me back for the shower with a sweet smile and a refusal to eat anything at all. It's nearly 5 p.m., and the only thing I've managed to get down her is half a cup of black coffee. I know this has nothing to do with any of you, but I am at my wits' end with her. Everyone else is lucky enough to be out haying in 85-degree heat while I'm trying to eldersit this recalcitrant old woman. I do not want her to die on my watch, but she's been hospitalized recently for severe dehydration. I can't force-feed her, and I can't wear her out ( she has nothing else to do but refuse, while I have a farm to tend). Any solutions or tips will be gratefully accepted.

If you can't do it then get someone else. She doesn't remember how to, even if you just showed her how, she doesn't know she's being stubborn. I understand frustration but she can't help it and that's the ONE thing you need to keep in mind. You can not tend to her and a farm. Sorry she needs 24 hour care and if you can't or won't do it then find someone who can or will. I took care of my Grandfather for 2 months before he passed away. And for 2 years before he got really sick. Awesome of you to give someone else a break but if your going to be mean to her you need to give her back. And if she smells then the other person isn't doing their job either. We washed Grandpa every other day, we changed his diapers. Yes it sucks seeing his private parts, but I'm sure if he knew we were looking at them he'd be just as horrified over it. Suck it up and just do it.

This.

I'm a nurse who works with A/D patients daily and I will say your frustration while understandable is only making things worse. Is there someone else there to intervene and take over bc they will feel your anger and that intensifies their anxiety. She doesn't know and she's not doing anything on purpose to annoy you so please realize her mind is in a different state. I'm a little taken back that you take someone in to care for but won't cleanse them when they can't and allow them to sit in filth. That's neglect. If your family is unable to handle her care while her son needs the respite then you need to have the discussion your place is not a reliable one or it's time for placement for her. Good luck and I hope you find a solution soon but please step aside for awhile to release the burnout.

Excuse me? We do NOT allow her to sit in filth! That's why I make her shower, wash her clothes daily, and so on. And I am NOT mean to her, though I do insist on her getting in the shower when she would rather just smell bad than get wet. I'm aware her brain is basically off line, though she did say (after the shower, with her yelling that she doesn't like getting wet) that she hopes she's still around when I'm her age, so she can make me shower. Not entirely ga-ga, but close. Msladydove, I think I made it very clear that I DO care that she is kept clean, even if she herself doesn't want it.

CeCeHarris

Does she have insurance? Do she qualify for Medicare? Most facilities and home care accepts Medicare. Also some states pays for home care.