Weak or low willpower?

Hey everyone, I want to talk about motivation.

It's different for a lot of people. Some look at images of people who they idealize, others focus on how positive they will feel, others like a fierce trainer, and there are plenty of other options too. On other sites, there's a lot of, what I consider, negative motivation. Stuff that implies weakness or low willpower if you can't make it through, so you better do it. But what if you are weak? What if you do lack willpower? This is me. I can't look at people I idealize because I get *discouraged.* And I hope I'll feel good, but I don't know if it'll happen. So then I definitely don't need a fierce trainer because, let's be honest, the idea of someone, anyone, watching me work out is mortifying. Top it with someone screaming at me, and I'll more likely give up than anything else.

I would like to lose around 100lbs. I've only just started and have a long way to go. I realize there's a lot of success stories on here and that's wonderful. I applaud those individuals. And I'm not trying to make excuses, because I'm not quitting (nowhere near it), but there are considerations: I'm big, out of shape, with lots of anxiety, reoccurring depression, and low confidence. It doesn't add up to a lot of hope. Besides, I've never been a big believer in hope. I'm a realistic person, siding with science/proof/repeated patterns more often than not. Hope is not something that I find realistic, therefore I put no stock into it. [Note: I mean for myself. I'm a little envious of people that can have hope, because it's proven to be more useful in their well being, but I find myself unable to make that leap into something I don't believe in.] And speaking of repeating patterns: all I know is this version of me that I've considered fat (even when I wasn't really fat). How can I put belief in someone who doesn't exist yet?

I'm no where near giving up. But I'm discouraged and a little scared, to be honest. I see this long stretch of a road, and it's one I'm poor at. I just never have been skilled at anything physical, even when I was on the soccer and basketball teams in my elementary school days. I have a tendency to be a bit unbalanced and ungraceful. I just don't know me as someone who is fit. I don't know who that woman could be yet. I have all these years of hellish social awkwardness and even teasing to the point of verbal bullying. I have these times where I purposely avoid dating because I don't feel comfortable.

But I have an understanding of the mind. I'm a lover of psychology. I have an understanding of a huge amount of stuff that built up over my life to help make me the way I am, as well as the traits in my family. I get all of this. I have over-analyzed it. Someone once told me that my brain gets it, but my heart doesn't. I don't know how I feel about that. It could be true. Bah. Just discussing all of this has left me stripped of motivation and my good spirit. Now I'll continue to work out, but feel more obligated than inspired.

So what do you do when you are weak or have low willpower?