mini rant re: mother in laws and cake!
missy_girl001
Posts: 53 Member
Good morning MFP! I'm not normally one to publicly rant to a group of strangers, but this mini rant has got to come out in some way or my head may pop off. (Not literally of course, but even figurative head poppings are bad news!)
Staying with the in-laws for a wedding this weekend. Arrived yesterday and while chatting with my mother-in-law I mentioned that I'm trying to watch what I eat and work out to lose some weight. Dinner time rolls around and she suggests grabbing fast food for dinner. Odd, I think, since she's a wonderful cook and rarely eats fast food, but whatever I'll find something "healthy-ish" to eat. Later when we're watching TV she offers me ice cream, which I politely declined. Her response "Oh, you really are being good." Um, yeah, lady, that's what I said earlier!
Then this morning we wake up to find her in the kitchen cooking and BAKING up a storm. She got up early to bake a cake. I say to my guy, "wow, your mama must love you if she got up early to bake you a cake." To which she replies, "oh no, I baked it for you!" with a mischievous smile on here face.
I love her dearly, but WTF! I tell you I'm watching what I eat and you offer up fast food, ice cream and bake me a bloody fantastic-looking ooey gooey chocolate cake! Luckily I'm not a fast food or ice cream fan, but cake ... cake is my kryptonite!
New plan of action: covert workout. I'm gonna be sneaky and get in a work out with a friend later and totally allot room in my day to eat a piece of that damn cake with nary a complaint or comment about eating cake while on a diet. She'll think she'll have won, but that cake is gonna be worked of before it even has a chance to lodge itself somewhere on my thighs! Take that mother-in-law!
That's it. Mini-rant finished. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. And wishing you all a fantastic day!
Staying with the in-laws for a wedding this weekend. Arrived yesterday and while chatting with my mother-in-law I mentioned that I'm trying to watch what I eat and work out to lose some weight. Dinner time rolls around and she suggests grabbing fast food for dinner. Odd, I think, since she's a wonderful cook and rarely eats fast food, but whatever I'll find something "healthy-ish" to eat. Later when we're watching TV she offers me ice cream, which I politely declined. Her response "Oh, you really are being good." Um, yeah, lady, that's what I said earlier!
Then this morning we wake up to find her in the kitchen cooking and BAKING up a storm. She got up early to bake a cake. I say to my guy, "wow, your mama must love you if she got up early to bake you a cake." To which she replies, "oh no, I baked it for you!" with a mischievous smile on here face.
I love her dearly, but WTF! I tell you I'm watching what I eat and you offer up fast food, ice cream and bake me a bloody fantastic-looking ooey gooey chocolate cake! Luckily I'm not a fast food or ice cream fan, but cake ... cake is my kryptonite!
New plan of action: covert workout. I'm gonna be sneaky and get in a work out with a friend later and totally allot room in my day to eat a piece of that damn cake with nary a complaint or comment about eating cake while on a diet. She'll think she'll have won, but that cake is gonna be worked of before it even has a chance to lodge itself somewhere on my thighs! Take that mother-in-law!
That's it. Mini-rant finished. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. And wishing you all a fantastic day!
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Replies
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I feel your pain. I ask my MIL for dinner on a small plate because her portion sizes are ridiculously large. She 'forgets'. She's always baking too, and always offering cake, ice creams, frozen yoghurt, biscuits, etc. I know she's probably just being nice, but, I'd rather she didn't bother asking.0
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OMG my MIL is the worst too. A while back I was staying with her and she kept asking me how I had lost weight and what my diet was like. I was eating Paleo at the time and I told her the basics as to not freak her out too much. She proceeds to tell me that is how she eats and asks if there is anything she can buy for me. I tell her no because I was going to buy what I needed. Fast forward three days and she tells me how she is making this pulled pork sandwich thing for dinner. I look over the recipe and it calls for 1 cup of sugar!!! I ask if we can cook the meat and add the sauce later or pull out some of the meat to cook separatly. She says "you will be fin it is turbinado sugar" WHAT??? She clearly does not eat the same way I did and she kept pushing me the rest of the week to eat breads, sugars, etc. I wanted to flip!0
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New plan of action: covert workout. I'm gonna be sneaky and get in a work out with a friend later and totally allot room in my day to eat a piece of that damn cake with nary a complaint or comment about eating cake while on a diet. She'll think she'll have won, but that cake is gonna be worked of before it even has a chance to lodge itself somewhere on my thighs! Take that mother-in-law!
That's it. Mini-rant finished. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. And wishing you all a fantastic day!
See? She actually HELPED you. You exercise PLUS eat cake? Sounds like a win win to me.0 -
it's not necessarily sabotage. some people view diets as purgatory, and helping you to cheat on your diet as a kindness, because they're giving you what you really want which you're denying yourself. they think they're doing you a favour when they offer you delicious food. It says a lot about their own attitude towards dieting. For these people, saying something like "oooh how delicious, but I just ate so I'll have a small slice" works a lot better than "I'm only having a small slice because I'm on a diet" because the first one, they see that you really don't want a larger slice, the second one is interpreted as "oh, I'd love to have a really big slice but I'm being good and denying myself something that I really want" - to which they'll respond by giving you permission to have what you really want, i.e. encouarging you to take a larger slice. So have a whole bunch of reasons why you're eating small servings or saving something for later, and that kind of thing, and don't mention anything about diets, being good, etc.
Also, as it's just a weekend, I really wouldn't worry about it. Eat a sensible portion of cake and enjoy it, same with whatever else she offers you. Go back home again and get right back on track with your eating plan. One weekend isn't going to make or break you, it's what you do day in day out that will. Social events and well meaning but indulgent relatives will happen, and you need to deal with them in a way that you can stick to for the rest of your life. If family visits like this don't happen to often, then just eat the cake. If they happen very regularly, then find a way of refusing foods you don't want that won't cause offence or make them think you really want it but are just "being good"0 -
I am going to respond simply because I endured life with my mother-in-law for 3 years in my own home and it was torture. I have seen posts such as yours and responses from people -advising the poster that no one is trying to sabotage, and give the MIL a break and just say no, and so on. My response is to support you, and encourage you to laugh (ya you heard me) laugh when your MLI claims she made a chocolate cake for your and laugh like you think she is joking and you are in on the joke (based on your communicated wishes). This is the only way I survived a lot of things with my MIL, and I don't know what crazy hormone it is that makes moms of men go Cruella Deville on the women they married, but with some men's moms it is ridiculous. I told myself that the hormone malfunction was so strong that they were not in their right mind.
Hang in there, do your workouts, and be proud of your determinism. If you can overcome her, imagine how easy some other challenges will be in this journey.0 -
MIL are food pushers; innocent or not it sure is hard0
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I don't know what crazy hormone it is that makes moms of men go Cruella Deville on the women they married, but with some men's moms it is ridiculous. I told myself that the hormone malfunction was so strong that they were not in their right mind.
I hope you have a son someday!0 -
it's not necessarily sabotage. some people view diets as purgatory, and helping you to cheat on your diet as a kindness, because they're giving you what you really want which you're denying yourself. they think they're doing you a favour when they offer you delicious food.
This is an excellent point. It's like when people tell you that it's okay to miss a training session because you're in great shape, and you're thinking "Yeah, because I don't skip training sessions." They don't see it through the same lens as you. It's okay to say no, but don't read too much into the intent behind it.0 -
I am going to respond simply because I endured life with my mother-in-law for 3 years in my own home and it was torture. I have seen posts such as yours and responses from people -advising the poster that no one is trying to sabotage, and give the MIL a break and just say no, and so on. My response is to support you, and encourage you to laugh (ya you heard me) laugh when your MLI claims she made a chocolate cake for your and laugh like you think she is joking and you are in on the joke (based on your communicated wishes). This is the only way I survived a lot of things with my MIL, and I don't know what crazy hormone it is that makes moms of men go Cruella Deville on the women they married, but with some men's moms it is ridiculous. I told myself that the hormone malfunction was so strong that they were not in their right mind.
Hang in there, do your workouts, and be proud of your determinism. If you can overcome her, imagine how easy some other challenges will be in this journey.
This. Your MIL might not be evil OP but ask yourself if it were your hubby on a diet would she be baking a cake?0 -
I don't know what crazy hormone it is that makes moms of men go Cruella Deville on the women they married, but with some men's moms it is ridiculous. I told myself that the hormone malfunction was so strong that they were not in their right mind.
I hope you have a son someday!
Some of us have lived through certain kinds of hell. Judgement doesn't come without reason.0 -
Serious question. I've never been married, so maybe there's something I'm missing, but why don't you just have a serious conversation with your MIL?
i.e.
Hi Betty, can we go out for coffee, just the two of us?
The reason I wanted to talk to you is that I feel like you're not taking me seriously when I say that I'm trying to make fitness a real priority in my life. I love your cake, and it's really hard for me to control myself when you make it. I would really appreciate it if you could support me in this. It makes it harder for me to achieve my goals when you are A) pushing ice cream and
making sweets EXPLICITLY FOR ME. 0 -
:laugh:I don't know what crazy hormone it is that makes moms of men go Cruella Deville on the women they married, but with some men's moms it is ridiculous. I told myself that the hormone malfunction was so strong that they were not in their right mind.
I hope you have a son someday!
My MIL is nicer to me than her own son half the time, I love her to pieces! (Pieces of cake that is) hahaha0 -
I love my MIL dearly, but she's an excellent cook (and baker!) Whenever we head to my in-laws for a meal, I ensure I've allotted room for some of her delicious foods!
I giggled a bit at your rant, only because if I refuse something of my MIL's, I feel bad about it.
Happy workout!0 -
it's not necessarily sabotage. some people view diets as purgatory, and helping you to cheat on your diet as a kindness, because they're giving you what you really want which you're denying yourself. they think they're doing you a favour when they offer you delicious food.
This is an excellent point. It's like when people tell you that it's okay to miss a training session because you're in great shape, and you're thinking "Yeah, because I don't skip training sessions." They don't see it through the same lens as you. It's okay to say no, but don't read too much into the intent behind it.
Both good points. Still is hard, though. -_-
Just stop telling her you're watching what you eat.0 -
I think you are doing the right thing. This way you aren't confronting her in a negative way and you still get a piece of that cake!! When we visit my in-laws (who are so totally amazing by the way!!) my MIL makes goodies for everyone to enjoy. I will get my hubby to take a piece and then just get a bite of his. That way I'm getting to taste everything (and complimenting the cooks!) without consuming a ton of calories. :flowerforyou:0
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My mom is a lot like this. As a chunky teenager, I tried to lose weight only to be offered wonderful high calorie, high sugar foods. Instead of the freshman 15, I lost that much my freshman year in college without even trying. I went on to lose more. I was actually a healthy slim weight when I met my husband. I stayed a healthy weight until I had my first child. Then my metabolism messed up. Now I got that issue under control, and I am back on track. I still go to my mom's and do not give into her requests that I try this or eat this. She will eventually catch on
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it's not necessarily sabotage. some people view diets as purgatory, and helping you to cheat on your diet as a kindness, because they're giving you what you really want which you're denying yourself. they think they're doing you a favour when they offer you delicious food.
This is an excellent point. It's like when people tell you that it's okay to miss a training session because you're in great shape, and you're thinking "Yeah, because I don't skip training sessions." They don't see it through the same lens as you. It's okay to say no, but don't read too much into the intent behind it.
Two excellent points, and I have nothing to add...'cuz that's just good **** right there.0 -
hahahaha
I usually use the "I'm actually pretty full.... but ok. Just give me a tiny piece because that looks too good to pass up!"
I also try to not eat all my calories for the day specifically for these occasions. That way I don't go over, I get cake, I don't insult anyone, I get cake, they feel like I am getting what I want, I get cake, everyone is happy, and OH I GET CAKE! :bigsmile:0 -
The best response? Share it with everyone. Even me.
But staying with your MIL...(shudders)...you must really like her.0 -
Ha! You got her!0
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I don't know what crazy hormone it is that makes moms of men go Cruella Deville on the women they married, but with some men's moms it is ridiculous. I told myself that the hormone malfunction was so strong that they were not in their right mind.
I hope you have a son someday!
Ha! I have 2- and I recognize what you are getting at.0 -
That's going above and beyond to sabotage you.... as much as we can love them, they are evil.
My MIL goes "wow, you're losing weight. well... that's good.. but did you know that *her daughter* now weighs 130 pounds? Yeah, she lost weight.. you'll get there, I guess"0 -
I've had my share of MIL issues too, here's what I've learned:
1. All of life is attitude. Every single one of us can choose how to "see" and react to any situation.
2. Other people are walking a path that is not ours to understand
3. Don't try to figure out people's motivation - see #2.
4. Do what you feel is best for you, and don't take responsibility for how others react - see #1.
5. Read "The 4 Agreements"0 -
I don't know what crazy hormone it is that makes moms of men go Cruella Deville on the women they married, but with some men's moms it is ridiculous. I told myself that the hormone malfunction was so strong that they were not in their right mind.
I hope you have a son someday!
Having a son and having a son and being obsessively controlled are two totally different things. I hope I have a son so I know exactly how NOT to be. My MIL caused one divorce with her other son and I refused to let that happen to us. It took my husand 3 years but he finally has realized the craziness. Not all MILs are this way, but as she said, with some it's ridiculous. I could write a book about all the evil things done but just know... some can be BAD.0 -
That's going above and beyond to sabotage you.... as much as we can love them, they are evil.
My MIL goes "wow, you're losing weight. well... that's good.. but did you know that *her daughter* now weighs 130 pounds? Yeah, she lost weight.. you'll get there, I guess"
Ah, that's awful!! My MIL told me on a vacation once "you know... when you can start to see your bones in your neck... that's just not cute" then later apoligized when my husband called her out on it. However, on top of all the other horrible things, it was definitely meant to be purely offensive! And I am in no way THAT skinny! lol!0 -
I don't know what crazy hormone it is that makes moms of men go Cruella Deville on the women they married, but with some men's moms it is ridiculous. I told myself that the hormone malfunction was so strong that they were not in their right mind.
I hope you have a son someday!
Ha! I have 2- and I recognize what you are getting at.
I have two as well and I live in fear of being that awful mother-in-law.0 -
I ate the cake and the ice cream, and it was delicious! Here's hoping there's no more baking adventures tomorrow ... I'm debating hiding the sugar before I go to bed! 0
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mother-in-laws.... sigh
they are just the worst sometimes. but grannies and other older ladies give it a good run when it comes to offering treats. thanks, but no thanks should be enough.. 0 -
Good morning MFP! I'm not normally one to publicly rant to a group of strangers, but this mini rant has got to come out in some way or my head may pop off. (Not literally of course, but even figurative head poppings are bad news!)
Staying with the in-laws for a wedding this weekend. Arrived yesterday and while chatting with my mother-in-law I mentioned that I'm trying to watch what I eat and work out to lose some weight. Dinner time rolls around and she suggests grabbing fast food for dinner. Odd, I think, since she's a wonderful cook and rarely eats fast food, but whatever I'll find something "healthy-ish" to eat. Later when we're watching TV she offers me ice cream, which I politely declined. Her response "Oh, you really are being good." Um, yeah, lady, that's what I said earlier!
Then this morning we wake up to find her in the kitchen cooking and BAKING up a storm. She got up early to bake a cake. I say to my guy, "wow, your mama must love you if she got up early to bake you a cake." To which she replies, "oh no, I baked it for you!" with a mischievous smile on here face.
I love her dearly, but WTF! I tell you I'm watching what I eat and you offer up fast food, ice cream and bake me a bloody fantastic-looking ooey gooey chocolate cake! Luckily I'm not a fast food or ice cream fan, but cake ... cake is my kryptonite!
New plan of action: covert workout. I'm gonna be sneaky and get in a work out with a friend later and totally allot room in my day to eat a piece of that damn cake with nary a complaint or comment about eating cake while on a diet. She'll think she'll have won, but that cake is gonna be worked of before it even has a chance to lodge itself somewhere on my thighs! Take that mother-in-law!
That's it. Mini-rant finished. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. And wishing you all a fantastic day!
Not gonna lie. She seems like a bit of a bit-ch. But you know, that's how it seems to be with me too. The second I try to rally an ounce of support, everyone and I mean everyone starts offering me the bad foods and trying to give me cheat days. I think it's an instinct that they have to keep me the same and also a possible subconscious sabotage. In your mil case, I think she's trying to sabotage you. I'd take the piece and toss in the garbage right infront of her, but that's just me.0 -
Serious question. I've never been married, so maybe there's something I'm missing, but why don't you just have a serious conversation with your MIL?
i.e.
Hi Betty, can we go out for coffee, just the two of us?
The reason I wanted to talk to you is that I feel like you're not taking me seriously when I say that I'm trying to make fitness a real priority in my life. I love your cake, and it's really hard for me to control myself when you make it. I would really appreciate it if you could support me in this. It makes it harder for me to achieve my goals when you are A) pushing ice cream and making sweets EXPLICITLY FOR ME.
Sure, if she wants her MIL to become her enemy, that would work great. The interaction between MIL and DIL are much more delicate and subtle than that. For the most part the MIL would like to continue to control her son, and this also means controlling the DIL. Trust me, I have to play referee between my mom and my SIL (brother's wife) all the time. Although my mother only wants her son to be happy, she actively tries to piss off my SIL in an attempt to drive a wedge between my brother and his wife.
The relationship is more akin to that of the current wife to the ex-wife in how delicately it needs to be handled.0
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