How to deal -_- ??

Sandreeuhh
Sandreeuhh Posts: 39
in Motivation and Support
Back in September (2012) I caught my husband sexting someone. He denied it and a couple days later eventually admitted to it. Not only was he sexting this girl... He also had sex with her twice... before we even got married (11.11.11) The sex stopped after we got married... but they obviously continued sexting and he would go over and get his d sucked. Anyways, It has all definitely stopped.. She moved to Michigan.. and I basically smother him now so I know for a fact that it's stopped. I know smothering him isn't exactly right.. but until I can eventually trust him again... it's what I gotta do. He's okay with it.. really.

Anyways,

I had lost 20 pounds prior to finding out all that bs... and after I found out.. I basically gained it back.. and then some. I don't really know why.. I still try really hard.. but for some reason.. I just feel like if I lose any weight.. he will leave me completely.. he says he will never leave me and it was all a dumb mistake. and I believe him.. but i still have it all in my memory.

I don't know how to really deal with it... because I've always dealt with my problems... by eating.

Also, This girl was heavier than I am....

Maybe I am just scared to lose the weight now -_-

</rant>

Replies

  • peanutbutterrunna
    peanutbutterrunna Posts: 106
    I'd lose the weight if it's what YOU want to do.

    I'd lose the guy too, but that's just me.
  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
    I'd lose the weight if it's what YOU want to do.

    I'd lose the guy too, but that's just me.

    This!!
  • Sandreeuhh
    Sandreeuhh Posts: 39
    It is what I want. It's what he wants too.. But the feeling that he slept with someone heavier than me.... just makes me wonder.

    And I can't just get up and leave him. We are married. If I would have known all this before we got married.... I would have left.. but that's obviously not the case.
  • sweetcurlz67
    sweetcurlz67 Posts: 1,168 Member
    Sorry sweetie, but if he went to get his d sucked, he did more than that - for real. I know you're married, and I'm in no condition to offer advice, but I'd pray really hard about where this marriage is going! As far as losing weight, I agree with the other posters, if YOU want to lose the weight, then LOSE IT! for YOU! Don't let this JERK ruin what YOU want to do for YOU! PERIOD.

    I wouldn't smother him either, he needs to be running to you. Just my opinion. I'll stop now. :flowerforyou:
  • MandiGee83
    MandiGee83 Posts: 2 Member
    To remain in the relationship as you have, only tells me that you have a heart of gold and that you obviously truly love your husband. At the end of the day, You need to do what makes you happy. Don't lose weight because you are scared that he will leave eventually if you don't or if you gain more. If this happened, it only goes to show that he never really loved you.
    I went through something similar with my now ex husband. I found out that he had cheated on me only one time, so I left the 13 year relationship. We have 2 children together also, so it was tough. I knew that I would always wonder what he was up to when we werent together and I know that wouldnt be a great way to live, so I cut the cord and the kids and I moved out and this was now nearly 6 years ago. I am soooo thankful that I did it, because he has continued to cheat on his new partner... That could have still been me!
    I'm not saying to get divorced at all. But you cant smother him either as he will start to resent you and then you may have more problems. If you are going to lose weight and feel better about yourself, do it for YOU and only you. No one else!
    If you ever wanna chat, feel free to get in touch, I know how you feel and sometimes its good to get someone elses perspective :)
    Mandi xx
  • la8ydi
    la8ydi Posts: 294 Member
    Sorry to hear about this. Keep in mind - every time he sexted this girl or met with this girl or got a bj from this girl - he was making a decision to cheat on you. He knew he would hurt you and chose to do it anyway. He has made a decision to hurt you. You are making a decision to let him.

    As far as the weight loss - you need to do what is right for you. You can't be successful in weight loss or in life if you're doing things only for other people. Good luck.
  • Sandreeuhh
    Sandreeuhh Posts: 39
    I believe in second chances.
    I know that everyone thinks I should just leave him.. But everyone makes mistakes. and this is his second chance. He can't really hide anything from me now. And I've recently started letting him go out with him friends to bars without me... Mostly because I hate the bar scene. he still does things without me since we do have different working schedules. But I have the money. and I keep track of it. As well as his phone calls and texts.
    Yes, he made the decision to hurt me when it was all happening because he didn't think he would get caught. but he has decided to stop hurting me. I did give him a choice. He knows there will not be another chance after this one.
    All my life I was taught to fix the broken things. I do believe that he loves me and that he wants to stay with me. I can't just throw it all away the first go around.

    As for the losing weight thing.. I am doing it for me.
    It's just all the emotions that I have to deal with. Food is my addiction.
  • la8ydi
    la8ydi Posts: 294 Member
    Well good luck. Nobody can live your life but you - you have to make the decisions that will make you happy. Nobody can live your life but you. If this is what you want, then good luck. I hope everything works out.
  • sammyjo1088
    sammyjo1088 Posts: 10
    I may be the odd one out in not recommending that you leave him, but I think people don't place a high value on marriage these days as much as they used to. I know you didn't come here for marriage advice, perse, but it's all related. Lose the weight for YOU, as everyone else has been saying. If he leaves you because you lost weight, that's his loss.

    If the man is worth staying in the marriage for, though, he won't leave you...right? Ask yourself this, really. It sounds like he wants you to lose it, too.

    Everyone makes mistakes and deserves a second chance. If he cheats on you again, though....He'll keep on doing it, sadly :(.
  • JDHINAZ
    JDHINAZ Posts: 641 Member
    So technically, this is his third chance. Regardless, it's time you give your physical, mental, and emotional health the importance it deserves. It you stay, I suggest some counseling for both of you. Ultimately, he will do whatever he pleases. That's already proven. All you can do is take care of yourself. And you deserve to be happy and healthy. Take care of you!
  • traceymcollins
    traceymcollins Posts: 1
    He slept with her because she was willing - she gave him attention. NOT because she was heavy. Do not let this get in the way of your health goals!! Whether you stay or go is up to you, but it's time to put yourself first and take care of YOU! If he's worth it, he will change and respect you for you.
  • caribear1984
    caribear1984 Posts: 203
    I had a very similar thing happen with my boyfriend of seven years. We split up, but I completely understand why you want to give him another chance. After a lot of prayer and reflection, I realized that I could not control his actions, only my own, and that the best thing for me to do was to become the healthiest version of myself. You can't let his actions keep you in an unhealthy place. It is okay to be sad, angry, etc. but it is not okay to live in those emotions forever.
  • RonnieLodge
    RonnieLodge Posts: 665 Member
    He slept with her because she was willing - she gave him attention. NOT because she was heavy. Do not let this get in the way of your health goals!! Whether you stay or go is up to you, but it's time to put yourself first and take care of YOU! If he's worth it, he will change and respect you for you.

    ^This^.

    People will cheat simply because there is the opportunity to, not regardless of how attractive or not the person offering them it may be.

    I wouldn't believe that he stopped sleeping with her after you were married though - it sounds like complete BS.

    I have been there so I understand 100% why you want this to work and you want to believe what he says. But this wasn't a one off mistake.

    Hopefully sooner rather than later you see that you deserve a relationship with someone who loves and respects you. Someone who will not take whatever is offered to him and won't lie to you. Someone who you won't feel you have to smother because you can't trust him.

    Because once you stop wasting time & energy on this guy, you make space for a decent man to come into your life.

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