A helpful or hurtful spouse?
lindzann88
Posts: 27 Member
Has anyone else had to deal with a spouse who is supportive in words but in actions doesn't help at all? For example, my husband is totally ok with me working out and even waiting in the parking lot until I'm done. But then he goes to get groceries, nothing big, and he brings home cookies and candy home, knowing they are some of my favorite things. I do my best to avoid temptation but if I don't eat them he feels hurt since he wanted to get it for me special. I've asked him to bring me fruit or something healthy and he just pouts. 
Any ideas on what I can do?
Any ideas on what I can do? 0
Replies
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I'm surrounded by people who are supportive but offer food temptations; spouse, child, parents, siblings and friends. I'm learning I need to tune it all out and focus on me. Specifically, I need to focus on the process of logging my food eaten (calories consumed) and my exercise (calories expended) and keeping my calories under the 1820 threshold for me to lose 2 pounds a week. It all hinges on me making the correct decisions every day, every hour. One day, one meal, at a time.
Focus on what you can control.0 -
Give him new ways to do something special. Tell him that you aren't eating oreos, or twinkies or whatever anymore, but that if he brought you home a cantaloupe, or a watermelon, or strawberries or whatever, cleaned and sliced them, that you would be everlastingly grateful. Be really specific. It's even harder to get someone else to change their habits than it is to change your own. If he's really resistant, you could go to the store with him, toss the cookies back on the shelf, and ask him if he'd mind picking out some amazing berries because that would be the most incredible treat ever.
I'd also be proactive and have a big conversation about it BEFORE he goes to the store. After he's gone and bought the oreos, he's stuck. If after all that, he keeps buying junk you don't want to eat, let him pout. Ignore it and keep working on your goals. Pouting is pretty boring, and if he's a good guy, he'll eventually jump on the train.
Make sure he knows how much you appreciate it if he does it!0 -
I think he just wants to please you with things you like. Tell him you like different things now and he'll for sure follow. Trust me, been there and now I'm getting a bunch of yummy but less caloric little things when he does groceries.0
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Mine does the Exact Same Thing! It's annoying. He's the grocery shopper for the fam, but I'm going to have to take over that job. He comes back with snack cakes, chocolates, chips as presents for.....ME. He always says " I bought a surprise for you" and then his feeling get hurt when I am not receptive.0
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Sorry but I call it sabotage. He may be ok with somethings, but he is not ready to see you change for some reason. You just have to be strong, and tell him NO THANK YOU, If he gets mad, hurt or pouts then he is being very immature and unsupported and as you do with a child, ignore the behavior. He will either get on board or he won't, are you going to let that define what you have decided to do for yourself? Temptation is all around us, and if you make up your mind that you no longer wish to eat "junk" all the time them it doesn't matter if it is sitting right in front of you, you will not eat it. Mind over matter.0
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I don't know...
This is a toughie, because he's not feeding you the cookies.
My husband doesn't give a rats *kitten* what goes into his gullet, but he knows I do, so there are lots of healthy options in my house. If he or the kids want something that I know I can resist, I have him hide it. It may seem silly, but it works for us.0 -
So he buys you biscuits and sweets, you try not to eat them, he gets the sulks?
Have you had a conversation with him about how you need him to help you? Just sit down and have a frank discussion about how many calories are in this thing and that thing, show him your diary, ask him for suggestions about replacing all these snacks? If he wants to help you but doesn't understand how, he'll keep doing the wrong thing.
I think it's good if he's trying to help you - if he's getting it wrong, it's because you need to have a conversation about it.
And you don't have to cut those things out altogether, maybe he could buy you a single instead of a pack as a treat once a month or something?
My hubby offers me food and I just say "I don't have enough calories for that" and he gets it and says "so what do you want?"0 -
When I was with my husband I had the exact same problem! It was soo tough because my favorite candy is Reeses and he would buy me a bag of them and would be upset if I didn't eat them or "wasted them" as he put it.
One thing you have to remember is that you are making the change....the world/people are you are not. I use to work in a Drug and Alcohol Rehab and people would often come back due to they gave into temptation from their friends & such when they went home. They felt on top of their game but when faced with the pressure they gave in.
Same with food addiction or food cravings....when presented with it 9x out of 10 we will give in if its present.
So when my husband kept bringing home junk I gave him fair warning and did a complete sweep thru the house and donated all unopened candies, cookies, chips, over processed junk that wasn't on the list of things I felt I wanted to put into my body & only made my changes worse....I donated to a local food bank.... All opened stuff I threw away!
He got the hint and would surprise me with fresh cut kiwi...my fave!!! And it was a process for him too......he kept bringing in things for him but would hide them (btw under the bed is NOT a good place to hide food!! LOL!) but I would ignore that till it started being placed back into my pantry....so I would do my sweep again and start over fresh.....
Keep up the good work and maybe have a date night with him and go to a Japanese Restraunt where you can have some nice one on one conversation and lay out there your goals and plans and see how he feels about it and at the same time your showing him that eating healthier isn't always rice cakes and flavorless pop corn & nasty stuff......0 -
I do the shopping in our house 99.99% of the time. The .01% of the time that he's allowed to go he comes home with chips. At one point in our relationship, he told me chips were veggies (potatoes). To add insult to injury, he's can eat whatever he wants and is still a bean pole. Anyway, I'm home all day with the kids and have the tendency to get bored at naptime (and obviously have no willpower). He finally took the hint when he came home from work and found them dumped in the trash. I have to admit that since his blood work came back a little off this past week he's said he's ready to get serious for our kids. Finally, I'm not doing it alone!!0
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Chips are veggies. Covered in artery clogging gut expanding grease and salt, but still veggies.0
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Use fresh fruit to make a dessert you can both have,fruit salad,angel food cake with berries or peaches. My hub doesn't even know what diet food is,tho bless his heart,whatever is on the table,he digs in.Makes it easier for me.He's a tall,thin guy who loves baked goods.I buy him one donut at a time :bigsmile:0
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Give him a list of foods you would like him to buy in place of the candy, etc. If he pouts, oh well. Eventually he might "get it". He might just want to get what he knows you like so try to "re-educate" him? And fix some delicious alternatives with the things on the list if he brings them home.0
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He likes to leave that last part out... ; )Chips are veggies. Covered in artery clogging gut expanding grease and salt, but still veggies.0
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Stop making him wait in the parking lot. He may be resentful and thus trying to sabotage your efforts, so you'll give up.
Alternately sit with him with a calculator and pencil and outline how just because you worked out doesn't mean you can now eat those things. Get your TDEE and other stats ready and ask him to help you with the math. Men like to help and then when he sees how many calories you're allowed he will understand that you might not be able to eat those treats. Or you might find out that you can. Either way you'll be on the same page and everybody gets it and everybody's happy.0 -
Stop making him wait in the parking lot. He may be resentful and thus trying to sabotage your efforts, so you'll give up.
Alternately sit with him with a calculator and pencil and outline how just because you worked out doesn't mean you can now eat those things. Get your TDEE and other stats ready and ask him to help you with the math. Men like to help and then when he sees how many calories you're allowed he will understand that you might not be able to eat those treats. Or you might find out that you can. Either way you'll be on the same page and everybody gets it and everybody's happy.
THIS!
Oh and he doesn't need to wait in the parking lot, does he? That just seems a little strange to me.
My husband and I just went to Costco last week. He put that *evil* Strawberry Cheesecake in our cart. He loves that kind of stuff! I had a few slices and fit it in my macros. He literally ate the rest. We are all in charge of what we put in our mouth. Ummm. Well you know what I mean.
If he wants to bring sweets, chips and snacks into the house...then let him! He lives there, too. You do not have to partake. Be responsible for your own actions. He doesn't force you to eat those foods.
You can get through this. It really is a mind set. Sometimes I make sugar free, low carb desserts for both of us. My husband loves that, too.0 -
Hey, I'm new on here. My husband and I have been married 41 years!!! He is a great human being & I know he wants me to lose this weight for my health. I am Type II Diabetic and recently had to go on one insulin shot at night plus meds too. BUT, and I say BUT..BUT..BUT, he will get very upset if he can't bring in his cookies and treats. All of the advice out there tells you to rid your house of anything tempting, but he forgets or so he says. I think he is afraid he will starve when I go on a diet. I have made up my mind to just IGNORE his attempts to feed me some of his goodies. JUST LIKE WITH DRUGS- JUST SAY NO!!! This is not a complete habit yet, but I know that is the answer. I have even told him to hide his chocolate & he finds that fun. Weird??0
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Give him a list of foods you would like him to buy in place of the candy, etc. If he pouts, oh well. Eventually he might "get it". He might just want to get what he knows you like so try to "re-educate" him? And fix some delicious alternatives with the things on the list if he brings them home.
That's right, because it's totally up to him to change for her whether he wants or needs to change...because support only goes one way. "re-educate" him? Are you serious???? What, exactly, is he doing wrong to be reeducated? He's not the one who is trying to lose weight, and the OP can fit cookies and candy in if she wants. That's why spouses don't like putting up with diets...everything is fine until someone decides that its time to diet and all of the regular food is now, all of the sudden, "evil".
OP, Looking over your diary, you are very inconsistent in logging, and you have plenty of calories per day to work in some cookies and/or candy every single say if you want. Being inconsistent in your logging and tracking of calories and exercise are going to be a reason for failure, not the occasional cookie or candy bar from your husband. Your husband doesn't want to stop eating cookies and candy, and he's buying it to be nice to you, so don't try and make him change. If he sees that you can eat it and be successful he may want to get in better shape and be less likely to buy as much, but making him feel guilty or blaming him or acting as though he is doing something wrong is not the way to handle things.0 -
Maybe ask him to buy some popcorn that you are REALLY hungry for (play it up big) and then he will do that instead thinking he is spoiling you?0
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Sorry but I call it sabotage. He may be ok with somethings, but he is not ready to see you change for some reason. You just have to be strong, and tell him NO THANK YOU, If he gets mad, hurt or pouts then he is being very immature and unsupported and as you do with a child, ignore the behavior. He will either get on board or he won't, are you going to let that define what you have decided to do for yourself? Temptation is all around us, and if you make up your mind that you no longer wish to eat "junk" all the time them it doesn't matter if it is sitting right in front of you, you will not eat it. Mind over matter.
This! I had an addiction to candy. Now I can have it in front of me and I won't even touch it! Stand your ground girl0 -
Does he also eat the cookies and stuff he brings home? If he does, it may be that he also wants the stuff and he is sort of using the "getting you a treat" excuse because he feels bad eating it in front of you. If that is the case, I know it is hard on you to avoid the temptation, but I think you also have to respect that he is an adult and can eat whatever he wants. Maybe you can talk to him about not letting you see these items and putting them in a place that you wouldn't normally go when he gets home.
Otherwise, I think it may be that he feels you are being deprived of things you want and is trying to provide them for you. Or that he wants to make sure that you don't think he is trying to force you to change and that he is OK with you eating what you want Or he might be feeling guilty because he sees you getting healthy when he is not ready to do it himself. Regardless of the reason, I think the thing to do is sit him down and have a deep conversation about it. Tell him that you are happy with what you are eating and don't feel deprived, but that you aren't trying to put any pressure on him to change and that you aren't looking down on him for not making the same lifestyle changes. Try to work out a way for both of you to eat the way you want without the other feeling that the other one is not respecting their choices.0 -
You could try setting a day, once a month/twice a month/once a week, where it is okay for him to buy you an unhealthy treat or go get an ice cream. If you know ahead of time, you can plan extra exercise or cut calories elsewhere. Other times you can make him special healthy treats or buy low calorie treats for the two of you. Mostly, I think men are sometimes clueless to the cravings women get around certain foods. Sorry men, I did say sometimes.
Good luck and try not to be discouraged!0 -
he's not being hurtful, he's being human. he's not on a diet, so when he goes to the store he's going to buy things he likes. you're his spouse, and he's always shared meals and treats with you in the past, so it would be odd if suddenly he wasn't offering you the things you enjoyed together as recently as a few weeks ago.
don't stop eating food with him cold turkey. just have the treats less and less often so that gradually you'll both understand this new place you're in. having a treat or two with him won't kill your diet and probably will have a beneficial effect on your relationship.0 -
My lovely partner does this too. At first I would chastise him, but seeing his crest fallen face made me feel like a total jerk. Now I try to just say thanks and put it in my treat jar in the hope that I can hold out till I have enough calories to eat it. I don't always succeed, but it's my battle not his. Otherwise, he is unbelievably supportive and is on MFP counting calories with me even though he is super healthy and fit and doesn't need to do this. I'm so appreciative that I have his support in this way, it makes it so much easier! Sounds like other than this one little thing, your hubby is being wonderful - be grateful that he's backing you, and set yourself up a treat jar!
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Give him a list of foods you would like him to buy in place of the candy, etc. If he pouts, oh well. Eventually he might "get it". He might just want to get what he knows you like so try to "re-educate" him? And fix some delicious alternatives with the things on the list if he brings them home.
That's right, because it's totally up to him to change for her whether he wants or needs to change...because support only goes one way. "re-educate" him? Are you serious???? What, exactly, is he doing wrong to be reeducated? He's not the one who is trying to lose weight, and the OP can fit cookies and candy in if she wants. That's why spouses don't like putting up with diets...everything is fine until someone decides that its time to diet and all of the regular food is now, all of the sudden, "evil".
OP, Looking over your diary, you are very inconsistent in logging, and you have plenty of calories per day to work in some cookies and/or candy every single say if you want. Being inconsistent in your logging and tracking of calories and exercise are going to be a reason for failure, not the occasional cookie or candy bar from your husband. Your husband doesn't want to stop eating cookies and candy, and he's buying it to be nice to you, so don't try and make him change. If he sees that you can eat it and be successful he may want to get in better shape and be less likely to buy as much, but making him feel guilty or blaming him or acting as though he is doing something wrong is not the way to handle things.
^This. Everyone else shouldn't have to "walk on egg shells" or conform to you because you decided to make a change.
And seriously people. Unless the guy is force-feeding her the cookies, it is NOT sabotage.0 -
I had a coworker and her husband did this.
Every time she lost a few pounds he would go buy ice cream, cookies, candies, etc. And she would gain it back.
Right before I changed jobs she opened the bag of cookies in front of him and dumped it in the trash. He was upset, but she said she didn't need that crap in the house. It may be time for you to take over the grocery shopping.
I don't know if throwing away the food helped as I didn't keep in touch, but some days you need to put your foot down!0 -
It's sabotage plain and simple.
Mine did this. He would wave food in front of my face going mmmmmm mmmmm. I mean seriously was he about 10 years old?
I have an addiction to certain foods. Waving the bottle of booze in front of an alcoholic is cruel.
The joke ended when I ended up in the hospital for 4 days.
He has never done it again.
I agree with doing the sweep of the house every time he brings it in and it goes in the bin outside.0 -
Give him a list of foods you would like him to buy in place of the candy, etc. If he pouts, oh well. Eventually he might "get it". He might just want to get what he knows you like so try to "re-educate" him? And fix some delicious alternatives with the things on the list if he brings them home.
That's right, because it's totally up to him to change for her whether he wants or needs to change...because support only goes one way. "re-educate" him? Are you serious???? What, exactly, is he doing wrong to be reeducated? He's not the one who is trying to lose weight, and the OP can fit cookies and candy in if she wants. That's why spouses don't like putting up with diets...everything is fine until someone decides that its time to diet and all of the regular food is now, all of the sudden, "evil".
OP, Looking over your diary, you are very inconsistent in logging, and you have plenty of calories per day to work in some cookies and/or candy every single say if you want. Being inconsistent in your logging and tracking of calories and exercise are going to be a reason for failure, not the occasional cookie or candy bar from your husband. Your husband doesn't want to stop eating cookies and candy, and he's buying it to be nice to you, so don't try and make him change. If he sees that you can eat it and be successful he may want to get in better shape and be less likely to buy as much, but making him feel guilty or blaming him or acting as though he is doing something wrong is not the way to handle things.
^This. Everyone else shouldn't have to "walk on egg shells" or conform to you because you decided to make a change.
And seriously people. Unless the guy is force-feeding her the cookies, it is NOT sabotage.
heh this0 -
passive aggressive0
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For the price of a bag of cookies he can get you flowers. Tell him you love flowers and his bringing them to you would make him feel special. My hubby brings me flowers from the grocery store and I make a big deal about how sweet it is and it makes him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Of course, getting the flowers makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.0
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I think those of you saying, "He's not force-feeding you the cookies!" are not getting it.
He's her partner and is supposed to care about her, she has explained the situation to him fully, yet he still does it.
No one expects a total stranger to not eat cookies in front of her, but you would think a loving partner would be supportive.
Secondly, why should anyone who is trying to lose weight have to eat cookies and candy to make anyone else feel better?
Personally, I like few cookies and even less candy so those aren't really triggers for me (it's potato chips for me) but I'm not really supposed to be eating a lot of sugar either.
So either the partner isn't clearly understanding the stakes, or is just being selfish. My vote is to make it crystal clear and if it happens again, trash it or tell him that he now eats somewhere else.0
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