Losing friends (real life not mfp)?

Courtney011691
Courtney011691 Posts: 55
in Motivation and Support
So one of my friends came to visit this weekend. I didn't know beforehand but his entire plan was to spend the weekend getting drunk. I had no intention of getting drunk and told him so. We basically spent the entire weekend arguing about what I ate (or didn't eat). For instance, I don't normally eat deep fried foods. Aside from the ridiculous amount of calories in them I always feel sick to my stomach afterwards so I generally avoid them. I ate half an elephant ear at the fair/carnival we went too. At that point I was starting to feel a bit sick and decided to stop. He kept pushing me to eat it and wouldn't give up. What did I do? I threw the rest in the trash. I'm not about to be pressured into eating something that makes me sick. Needless to say he was a bit annoyed.

Next, we went to the beer tent. A few beers plus watching the demolition derby sounded great. I had four 16 oz beers. Seeing how I've hardly drank in months I was really feeling it. I told him I was done and he went and bought me another one. I refused it and it sat on the table in front of us. When we left I gave it to the guy sitting on my other side. At this point I'd say he was somewhere between highly annoyed and p*ssed.

After that I wanted to go on the rides. The swings are easily my favorite. Unfortunately, he is really overweight and too big to fit on them. He pretty much told me how lame the swings ride was and that it was a waste of my tickets and only kids go on it. I went on it anyways. I did skip out on other rides because he couldn't go on them but I really love the swings. It was the one ride I refused to give up.

By the time we finally got home it was close to midnight. I was tired by then so I told him I was going to bed. My long run was the next day (half marathon training) so I needed sleep. He seemed to get really mad then. He had brought two cases of beer with him and I refused it all that night. We spent a good 15 minutes arguing about me wanting to run tomorrow and not staying up to get drunk. In the end I just went to bed.

Now, after a weekend of constantly being put down I feel like I really don't want to talk to him or see him anymore. I don't feel like he was really a friend. Is this crazy or am I overreacting? Is anyone else losing friends because you're getting healthier?
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Replies

  • HeidiCooksSupper
    HeidiCooksSupper Posts: 3,839 Member
    You are not losing a friend. You are outgrowing a selfish, immature doofus. Lose his phone number, email, etc.
  • pamperedlinny
    pamperedlinny Posts: 1,681 Member
    I have lost a lot of friends in the past year or two. Some were because of my new lifestyle, some because we out grew each other and other I really have no idea... There is an entire group that just cut me out. And that's fine. If they don't want me in thier lives that is thier perogative.

    You can find more friends. It's not easy (I have learned that too) but if they don't want to be around you and don't like you for who you are then they aren't a real friend anyway.
  • TribeHokie
    TribeHokie Posts: 711 Member
    It sounds like you were trying to accommodate him but he wasn't interested in compromise. Sometimes people change, and in this case that would be you. Not that it is a bad thing, just a fact of life. If you two have nothing in common now that you don't like the same indulgences he does, and if you both can't accept each other the way you are, perhaps you should take a break from each other.
  • Bunny1177
    Bunny1177 Posts: 32 Member
    He clearly had plans to pig out and drink, and since you were not his partner-in-crime, he didn't like it. Selfish of him, yes.

    Maybe next time you go out with a friend who doesn't know about your new life style, tell them about it first, and tell them that you have no intentions to pig out. Of course, you could get friends for healthy life. I would love to have a group of my own to meet with, talk about nutrition, go out to eat well and healthy, take power walks together and such.
  • micheleb15
    micheleb15 Posts: 1,418 Member
    Unfortunately, this is a part of life. You are still young, but you will find that you will no longer have things in common with people, people will move away and you'll lose touch plus some need to be cut out because they are toxic and don't benefit your life at all. It happens. Keep around the ones that matter and move on with your life.
  • RekindledRose
    RekindledRose Posts: 523 Member
    You are not losing a friend. You are outgrowing a selfish, immature doofus. Lose his phone number, email, etc.

    I second this.

    Live well and press on! You're doing great!
  • mspoopoo
    mspoopoo Posts: 500 Member
    I don't think he is much of a friend anymore. I would lose his number.

    I think you could have picked a stranger off the street and had a better time at the fair than with him.

    You've changed. He is still wanting a drinking and binge buddy. You've moved on to health which is a good thing.
  • Courtney011691
    Courtney011691 Posts: 55
    Thanks everyone! I'm feeling a lot better about leaving him behind now. I'm not allowing "friends" to drag me down anymore!
  • MyaPapaya75
    MyaPapaya75 Posts: 3,143 Member
    I don't think hes a bad person your just at different stages in your lives..you enjoyed the beer with him and at some point in life enjoyed the same things as he did at one point...now its time to just move on and close the chapter before it ends badly.
  • Coyoteldy
    Coyoteldy Posts: 219 Member
    change is often threatening to those we care about or who care for us, especially when it appears that we are leaving them behind. I have to admit I am impressed with your determination to maintain your healthy eating and exercise ( ok four beers is a lot LOL)...
    You may have to let this friendship go in order to continue to grow on your own terms. It is painful but sometimes the best thing we can do is "change playmates" that better suit our lives or that enhance our lives. Friends sometimes change with us.. and other times they too need to move on because what we are doing does not work for them. It is a two way street. My advice is to wish him well and hope he finds what he needs, while you determine your path to healthy as well. Keep strong and determined...and do damn well on the half marathon!!! ( I am a runner too)
  • AlongCame_Molly
    AlongCame_Molly Posts: 2,835 Member
    You are not losing a friend. You are outgrowing a selfish, immature doofus. Lose his phone number, email, etc.

    Bahahaha, this!

    He sounds like a retard. Surround yourself with friends who respect your decisions and lifestyle changes, and who don't try to impose their own destructive habits on you.
  • c50blvdbabe
    c50blvdbabe Posts: 213 Member
    You are not losing a friend. You are outgrowing a selfish, immature doofus. Lose his phone number, email, etc.

    This. And only this.
  • PhoenixStrikes
    PhoenixStrikes Posts: 587 Member
    Kinda off topic but did you say you ate an elephant ear? And then threw it away? Like really?
  • spoiledpuppies
    spoiledpuppies Posts: 675 Member
    I don't think it's fair to say that you're leaving him behind. That makes it sound like you're better than him somehow. The two of you are just going different places for now. I'd just leave it at that. If he's a good friend, your paths may cross again, and it will be better to have not burned any bridges.

    My husband's social circle changed a lot due to giving up booze. Some of his friends had kids too, which can change a lot of friendships. But he thinks that he made them uncomfortable--at least for awhile--since they were people who probably should have been at least cutting back too. Now, he and his close friend of many years (who was probably the biggest drinker) have re-established a different friendship/routine. They meet for coffee/lunch and work on home improvement projects together. Still his best friend, but they did go through a phase of figuring things out.
  • Mslmesq
    Mslmesq Posts: 1,000 Member
    Yikes, that person was never your friend...or probably anyones friend. Give him the phone number to a really good therapist, the location of his closest AA chapter, and delete your contact info from his address book.

    On the plus side, you sound like a nice good-natured person to go along with as much as you did. You will easily make better more well-adjusted friends in the future. :-)
  • corgicake
    corgicake Posts: 846 Member
    Give him the phone number to a really good therapist, the location of his closest AA chapter, and delete your contact info from his address book.
    THIS.
  • triff14
    triff14 Posts: 129 Member
    "Unfortunately, he is really overweight and too big to fit on them."

    I think it sounds like he may be jealous that you have developed a much healthier lifestyle, and seeing you make good decisions is making him feel bad about himself and lash out on you...
  • Courtney011691
    Courtney011691 Posts: 55
    Kinda off topic but did you say you ate an elephant ear? And then threw it away? Like really?

    I did! It was enormous and I didn't want to get sick haha
  • HeadsPoppingOutOfCups
    HeadsPoppingOutOfCups Posts: 115
    Kinda off topic but did you say you ate an elephant ear? And then threw it away? Like really?

    I did! It was enormous and I didn't want to get sick haha

    I think some people might not know what that is. I didn't realize people knew them as anything else until I was nearly 20. I believe the most common term is "fried bread dough".
  • dmarhal
    dmarhal Posts: 30 Member
    You are not losing a friend because he is not a friend. Keep on being strong and stay on track. You don't need him that way. If he changes fine, but otherwise lose him or he'll drag you down to his level.
  • GillLSteele
    GillLSteele Posts: 4
    He is not a friend - he is vampire who is sucking the life out of you. Its not worth it- cut him out of your life.

    He will bring you down
  • acahane
    acahane Posts: 34 Member
    When I was 22 I choose to stop drinking. It was a health choose and I was also noticing I was drinking way too much and getting into trouble when I did so. My "friends" at the time rejected me as I was "no longer fun". It hurt but at least I got to find out real quick if they were good freinds or not. A real friend supports you in your new life choices and cherishes you for who you are not what you do.
  • CollieFit
    CollieFit Posts: 1,683 Member
    Kinda off topic but did you say you ate an elephant ear? And then threw it away? Like really?

    I did! It was enormous and I didn't want to get sick haha

    I think some people might not know what that is. I didn't realize people knew them as anything else until I was nearly 20. I believe the most common term is "fried bread dough".

    I'm so glad you explained this!! Being in the UK I was wondering... :huh:
  • trudijoy
    trudijoy Posts: 1,685 Member
    when you said he was overweight I wasn't surprised... for me the most negative people (there are exceptions in both directions of course) have been overweight people who are unhappy and wish they were doing it but perhaps aren't ready...

    If he isn't ready to move on with you, then def put some space between you.
  • skinnymalinkyscot
    skinnymalinkyscot Posts: 174 Member
    Imagining an elephant walking around minus its ear and gagging :( poor elephant
  • shadow2soul
    shadow2soul Posts: 7,692 Member
    A real friend supports you in your new life choices and cherishes you for who you are not what you do.

    Agreed.
  • CollieFit
    CollieFit Posts: 1,683 Member
    I've just accepted that "you win some you lose some" throughout life.

    I have a very small circle of really close friends who I will be friends with regardless of what happens in our lives, but there are also those friends who are only with you for a part of the journey so to speak...

    I don't so much look at it as losing friends but more like losing touch with people as your life changes and you grow apart and have less in common with them.... I've lost touch with folk because they moved away, or had kids, or we didn't work together anymore, or because you don't have the same hobby anymore. *shrugs shoulders* It just happens. For a few years I was massively into the whole distance triathlon racing scene and it seemed like I didn't have any other friends. LOL Then life changed and my interests changed and I just wasn't interested anymore in who was racing where bla bla. All of a sudden all that constant talk about training and racing actually got on my nerves, and I could suddenly see how utterly dull it must be to anyone not that involved. And just like I wasn't interested in their race talk, they weren't interested in my budding photograpgy career, or our new dog or my dog rescue work... It's no disrepect to anyone - sometimes you just grow apart...

    I wouldn't change for anyone, I wouldn't expect anyone to change for me. Anyone giving me grief about my life's choices and somehow trying to make me feel guilty or stupid or implying you're less fun etc, they're just deflecting their own "issues" back onto you.

    You go your way, let them go theirs.
  • JeffersJJ
    JeffersJJ Posts: 58 Member
    You are not losing a friend. You are outgrowing a selfish, immature doofus. Lose his phone number, email, etc.

    This.

    Many people you used to call your friends get upset when you take steps to better yourself. This makes them feel like you're leaving them behind, so they try to keep you in THEIR comfort zone. Many people are drawn back in by these "friends" and fall off the wagon. The best thing you can do for yourself is understand that, for you to grow and become better, you often need to shed dead weight...this means your "friends". Don't worry. You'll be better for it and you can replace him with someone who will lift you up and support you in your goals. Lose his number.
  • JaneP2011
    JaneP2011 Posts: 65 Member
    This is a great thread ...
    It's sad but true that as you change throughout life different friends will come and go. LIfestyle changes can be one way in which friendships can be put under strain.
    I split with my last boyfriend because of my desire to lead a healthier life.
    He would never eat breakfast or lunch and then pig out like a maniac at the end of the day and drink loads of booze. I kinda of got drawn into his habits and put on loads of weight.
    When I started to make changes, like getting up in the morning to go for a jog and eat breakfast, or insist that we sit down for lunch when we were out, or not drink beer and wine every evening, he really started to get hostile with me and we would have endless arguments.
    In the end I finished the relationship - I'm single now but feel so much better for living the kind of 'normal' healthy life I want to.
  • Courtney011691
    Courtney011691 Posts: 55
    Wow, thanks everyone! Everyone's support has really made me feel so much better about this situation.

    I guess I should have explained the elephant ear bit a little better. I can see how that might have been confusing. Anyway, its a giant piece of fried dough about the size of a dinner plate covered in sugar and cinnamon. Its amazing but if I eat too much of it I'll get sick.
    When I was 22 I choose to stop drinking. It was a health choose and I was also noticing I was drinking way too much and getting into trouble when I did so. My "friends" at the time rejected me as I was "no longer fun". It hurt but at least I got to find out real quick if they were good freinds or not. A real friend supports you in your new life choices and cherishes you for who you are not what you do.

    I'm thinking about stopping too actually. My college years was basically binge drinking every weekend and sometimes every day of the week. Now that I've cut back to once or twice a month I feel a lot better and its easier to get up for work the next morning.

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