Tearin' me down - - :-(

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kellesee
kellesee Posts: 53 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hi friends,

Do you have someone in your life who insists on tearing you down? I mean, they do it under the guise of "concern" or "I know what's best for you" kind of thing, but in your heart, you don't agree with what they're saying and just wish they'd keep their opinions to themselves. Even if they're right.

My mother has something to say about EVERYTHING.

-My job, which is part time BUT I am a full time college student (at 46)...it's not good enough for her. She doesn't' consider it a real job because it doesn't pay insurance. If I get sick, I have to go to the clinic. She harps on me all the time about "What if I get sick?" "What if I have to go to the hospital?"....

-My new desire to eat clean...I tell her all about the things I'm learning. I'm so excited to finally understand that I don't have to be fat and sick and stiff and sore. I can HELP myself and HEAL myself. Know what she said ? "Go eat grass." (stop laughing!) I know it sounds funny, but at the time we were kind of arguing about (my job) and she said it in anger. To be honest, it hurt my feelings because I could use some encouragement for real!

There's a ton of other things, too. I'm just wondering if you'd share your experience with me and share some ideas with me that you have found success with in BLOCKING OUT THE NEGATIVITY from haters. That's what she is, a hater. She's a hater because she's full of fear and that's not my fault nor my problem.

Ugh...I could go on and on.

Thanks for listening.

Replies

  • grentea
    grentea Posts: 96 Member
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    The only way of dealing with it is to limit your contact with those people. Stop sharing so much with negative people. They will criticize everything. Spend less time with your mom. She is not gonna change.
  • BattleTaxi
    BattleTaxi Posts: 752 Member
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    I have the same problem, best way to combat it: stop indulging them with more information and turn to others for support. That is why I am here on MFP. My friends here are the support I need to stay motivated. My friends and family in person vary on support and negativity, so I don't share as much info with them. (Sorry! Love you anyways! LOL)
  • aliasbee
    aliasbee Posts: 27
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    I agree with the advice to cut down on the amount of information you share. Sometimes people just don't have the same interests as you and that's ok. You can share these things elsewhere. It's important to have a diverse social network.

    If your mom notices the change and wants to know more, she will ask. If she doesn't ask, well at least it's one less thing for her to criticise you about.

    I know it's really hard not to share sometimes, because you're excited, and happy about it, but you're already showing great self-discipline in eating better, a little more won't break you!

    I thought it would, I used to share a lot of info that I was excited about with my roommate and he'd just be like "I don't care about that" and all grumpy, but he's got a one track mind and when I'd share stuff it was really distracting to whatever he was focusing on. Like a pebble on a rail. I still share a lot, just not stuff I think the other party is disinterested in.

    Don't think it means you don't care about that person anymore! Good luck.
  • kellesee
    kellesee Posts: 53 Member
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    The only way of dealing with it is to limit your contact with those people. Stop sharing so much with negative people. They will criticize everything. Spend less time with your mom. She is not gonna change.


    You're right. I keep telling myself this only to keep doing it.
  • zanne54
    zanne54 Posts: 336 Member
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    It's very difficult to change the dynamic. Thing about it, you have 40+ years of training to overcome. Change won't happen overnight. I know it sucks and it's not fair, but you can't make your mother change. The only person you can change is yourself.

    Ideally, you would tell your mom straight-up that her constant criticisms are unwanted. And ideally, she would listen and hear what you're saying, and make the changes to herself without being defensive or justifying her actions with "love". And maybe the clouds will also part & angels will sing! You know, as well as I do, the chances of this happening are slim to none.

    Realistically, there are 2 things you can do: detach yourself (ie take a step back, reduce frequency of contact, etc) and limit the information flow (ie don't confide in her, share minimal, non-essential content). I know, it's easier said than done - speaking from personal experience with my mother.

    Be prepared that as you withdraw, your mom will ramp up/escalate trying to draw you back in. She knows your buttons, weather it's guilt, or family obligation, or calling in reinforcements (aka flying monkeys), the medical emergency/death card - whatever manipulative button she can push; she will. It's not easy the first time, but stay strong, and hold your boundaries. She WILL test them; it's up to you to enforce them.

    If it gets really bad; just like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum - put her in time out and ignore her for a while.

    Good luck!
  • kellesee
    kellesee Posts: 53 Member
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    It's very difficult to change the dynamic. Thing about it, you have 40+ years of training to overcome. Change won't happen overnight. I know it sucks and it's not fair, but you can't make your mother change. The only person you can change is yourself.

    Ideally, you would tell your mom straight-up that her constant criticisms are unwanted. And ideally, she would listen and hear what you're saying, and make the changes to herself without being defensive or justifying her actions with "love". And maybe the clouds will also part & angels will sing! You know, as well as I do, the chances of this happening are slim to none.

    Realistically, there are 2 things you can do: detach yourself (ie take a step back, reduce frequency of contact, etc) and limit the information flow (ie don't confide in her, share minimal, non-essential content). I know, it's easier said than done - speaking from personal experience with my mother.

    Be prepared that as you withdraw, your mom will ramp up/escalate trying to draw you back in. She knows your buttons, weather it's guilt, or family obligation, or calling in reinforcements (aka flying monkeys), the medical emergency/death card - whatever manipulative button she can push; she will. It's not easy the first time, but stay strong, and hold your boundaries. She WILL test them; it's up to you to enforce them.

    If it gets really bad; just like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum - put her in time out and ignore her for a while.

    Good luck!

    Wow! You are so right on !! Thank you!! :-)
  • labeachgirl
    labeachgirl Posts: 158 Member
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    It sounds like she's afraid of you being more independent of her (and her influence), as you have these ideas that didn't come from her. I'd be more judicious with what you share with her (things she may not relate to), but to offset that maybe ask her opinion on things that she would add value to (with her life experience).
  • FakingFitness
    FakingFitness Posts: 325 Member
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    Don't feed the animal.

    If you do not engage her, she will learn very quickly that it's a waste of time to antagonize you.
    You said yourself, “we were kind of arguing.” – Don’t do that.
    Simply change the subject.
    She'll quickly learn, she's not ruffling your feathers and stop doing it.
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,472 Member
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    get rid of the toxic people in your life.
  • kellesee
    kellesee Posts: 53 Member
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    THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO RESPONDED. The majority, well almost all of you said to stop telling her "everything." Even though I didn't mention it in my first post, I am so very guilty of this!!

    Much love and respect for all of you.

    Blessings on your journey!

    P.S. Feel free to friend me. I am trying to build a positive support team! :-)
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
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    You are 40 something years old.

    Tell her you appreciate her mothering- and you understand she loves you (regardless of if she does or not) but you are a grown *kitten* woman and you may make your own grown *kitten* decisions.
    Realistically, there are 2 things you can do: detach yourself (ie take a step back, reduce frequency of contact, etc) and limit the information flow (ie don't confide in her, share minimal, non-essential content). I know, it's easier said than done - speaking from personal experience with my mother.

    Be prepared that as you withdraw, your mom will ramp up/escalate trying to draw you back in. She knows your buttons, weather it's guilt, or family obligation, or calling in reinforcements (aka flying monkeys), the medical emergency/death card - whatever manipulative button she can push; she will. It's not easy the first time, but stay strong, and hold your boundaries. She WILL test them; it's up to you to enforce them

    this is excellent advice- including the fact she will PUSH BACK. it happens. expect it- stay the course.

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