When you're going it alone
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I felt a bit like this today. I have been working hard at diet and exercise for the past few months (not necessarily with mind boggling success, but I do look and feel better). My husband is quite overweight and unfit which he talks about constantly. He eats the same healthy dinners as me, but I prefer to exercise alone, I do still try to encourage activity, which he resists like you would not believe.
He has been on a course the last two weeks with fully catered lunches. He's coming home, and when I want to make dinner, he makes me wait until later in the day because he's "eating lunch later". He told me yesterday that the reason for this is that he's eating two portions of lunch at the course, and then eating cake when it's served at the afternoon break.
Throughout this course, he's made a big fuss about not being able to fit in the clothes he wants to wear to make a good impression and just in general about feeling fat and unattractive.
I honestly don't know what he expects from me. I encourage activity, exercise (I said I'll go swimming with him, even though deep down, I really don't want to) and healthy eating.
The bottom line is that that initial choice and motivation must come from that person. The willpower to stick at changes early on must come from that person and the habits that set you up for life must be the habits of that person. I might want my husband to be healthier and lose weight for his health, but I can't make that happen. In the meantime, I just have to choke down how bitter he's made me feel the last couple of days.0 -
I'm not going to give up on my own goals. I'm just frustrated that the man I'm spending my life with has none.
this is a MUCH MUCH larger issue than "we just don't work out together"
and I have been dealing with my BF- he wraps his life around mine currently- and I don't think he means too- I think he's just dedicated and because we are long distance- it just feels that way. But I made it clear to him he NEEDED to have his own goals and drives and motivations- whatever those were. I couldn't be bothered to spend my living my life at 90 MPH and living or being with someone who prefers 30 MPH. I can't do it. He's since being making an effort to make HIS life better and that's good enough for me.
But THAT needs to be addressed.0 -
My fiancé helped me feel comfortable with myself, and because i've felt happy about myself and he doesn't have issues with my weight I stayed that way for over a year. Back on track myself now, because I want to get to my GW and be healthy, and not have to deal with weight issues.
He wants to stay overweight, and not alter his routine at all - completely his prerogative. I don't hold issue with his weight, he is happy - that makes me happy about him. He doesn't stick his nose into my business, and I don't stick mine into his.0 -
Thank you all.. especially the last two posters.... Made me think a lot about my own feelings towards this.
Is it possible to think about your goals as a hobby that doesn't require his participation? I mean, if you took up quilting, would you really expect him to want to do it too?
I would say that as long as you can talk to him about it and share your victories (and get some commiseration when required), then is that big a deal that he doesn't want to exercise with you?0 -
I totally get what you mean on a certain level. My husband use to not at ALL be into fitness even though I was trying so hard to lose the baby weight. We would eat different dinners and everything. He would tell me I would look hot in a potato sack, that's the kind of guy he was...didn't care. It's totally sad to say this...but I'm just being honest here.... I kept at it because I saw how other men looked at me, I got hit on more and more as I gained the confidence and lost the weight. Shallow, I know :x
However that made my husband start to notice LOL. He started to make a change as well, now we are on this path together. Now I'm not saying go find other men to keep you motivated...but....worked for me lol.0 -
When I started this in October my husband didn't want anything to do with getting healthy. In fact he made me feel guilty about me taking my time away from him to go to the gym. He called me selfish for committing to my goals. It didn't take me long to realize I had to do it for me. Only I can motivate myself to change and grow as a person. Oh, and he's now my ex-husband, so there's that....0
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the problem is you seem to equate someone other than yourself to be responsible for motivation of your goals...
I agree with this. I have no spouse. It's very easy to see that I am the only one included in my personal goals.
You shouldn't be considering what your husband is doing or not doing.
You don't have any more right to demand his support than he does to sabotage your goals.
I think so many people expect someone else to make them happy or feel whole.
In the end, each person is the only person who can make himself happy.0 -
I think I get what you mean--it can be hard to stay in shape when you don't have a buddy (whether it's your husband, another family member or a friend). My partner and friends aren't into the same kinds of exercise as me and they don't like to workout (at whatever they do) as often. What worked for me was finding a fitness studio that was smaller (not the gym) and going to roughly the same classes each week. I don't feel alone anymore because I made friends there and I enjoy socializing for a few minutes before and after class. If that's an option, you might try that (or enlist a friend to try it with you). Other than that, I workout with my partner a lot of times when he does do an activity--his activities aren't my first choice but mixing it up keeps it interesting and challenging. Perhaps there's something your husband would enjoy that isn't a gym?
As an aside, my biggest battle is that my partner is a trained chef and he is darn good at cooking! To tackle that issue, I started asking him to incorporate more plant-based foods into his reportoire. Or, sometimes, I let him tackle the main course and I prepare healthy sides.
This is what works for me--good luck!0 -
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I'm tired of my mundane life, to be honest. My weight was the first factor in me becoming a reserved and extensively withdrawn, socially inept introvert. All of my self-esteem and self-worth issues stemmed from there and branched out into other parts of my life.
I've gotten better over the years, but attacking this and making myself healthy, and thus being able to feel and see the person that has been stuck inside of a fat suit for most of my life, I think, is going to help me become the person that I actually want to be—the person that I am when no one else is around, whom before I could not bring myself to show to others.
It's a slow process and is going to take a hell of a lot more than some weight loss in order to make a change that big, but it's my number one goal and is the main reason I'm doing any of this, even above my physical health. More of a doorway change than anything, but I want it and I want it badly.0 -
Ok.... not used to posting here.... gotta do a little practice:blushing:0
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You are looking for excuses...You should be doing it for you, not for anybody elses approval....
I wouldn't say it is excuses....but more of trap that a person can fall into when the significant other shows no interest or (like in my case) makes the person feel guilty for wanting to spend time excersing or eating better meals, etc....
My husband is the same way....he gets mad at me when I want to go for a run on my days off from work...he gets irritated with me when I don't want to eat the same meals as the rest of the family...overall, he is not happy with my goals to becoome health and fit.
I have never asked him to change his ways, I haven't urged him to work-out, I haven't really included him in my meal planning (cuz he wouldn't eat it anyway)...
But it is definitely hard when the person you love is not supporting you....and not helping you in a quest to better yourself. It sets your mind in an ugly place, not excuses, but rather, indifference in your own goals....0 -
I completely understand where you're coming from.
My husband is one of the most loving and accepting people I've ever met, and he has never once in 12 years hinted that he cares about my weight, what I wear, my makeup...anything. Obviously he has preferences, but I've never gone to any extreme so he's ok. I've always had atrociously low self-esteem, so he's way more concerned with me being happy with myself as I am, rather than changing.
So anyway, as with everything there are definitely downsides. While he might be cheering me on, it's definitely from the sidelines, and if I say "to hell with it all" he wouldn't bat an eye, or push me when I need a push. He's not going to join the gym or start counting calories or go on runs with me.
I had to summon a lot of strength up to decide to make such drastic changes in my life without someone there doing it with me. Even more to stick it out during the times when I don't really want to, knowing I could stop with pretty much zero accountability. But it's such a growth for me - there's so much more to be proud of than pounds lost, you know? It's something that I'm doing ONLY for me, only through my own strength.
This is what I meant to say...... right on! You hit the nail on the head!:happy:0 -
What works for motivating me: photo site favorites. I think there may be a bit more honesty in labeling attractive in the anonymity of the internet than in asking a specific person how you look. And remember, "hot" members of the appropriate sex are used to being pickier, so their favorites are a little more discriminatory. You get fave'd by them, you won on looks. Just make certain to check the faves of people who know what fit is, and not just what magazine photoshoppery looks like.
Depending on the dynamics you and your husband have, you may be able to give him a little motivation to join in. After all, what girl (or the why-the-hey-should-I-grow-up-really! part of a woman) wouldn't want sexy abs/shoulders/whatnot to play with for Christmas/birthday/Valentines/anniversary? Maybe I'm wrong, but it sure seems like it would beat the lingerie that's stereotypically given when being that, um.. physical? And the salsa/tango potential is much higher once everything's in place. If he's the more sport or action movie oriented type, perhaps a couple of parkour workout video's will make him think he want's a little more fitness.
This is pretty much what I decided to try to do for my girlfriend, albeit while she's out of the country so it should be a little more of a surprise at the unwrapping. To make it more specific, I put a fat goal of 15% (from 30%) and well developed enough muscles to have some ab/chest/back definition... won't be perfect, but I won't quite be the "warm water bottle pillow" she currently (and very sweetly) tells me I am.
I know all this is shallower than Lake Bonneville is today, but it is what keeps me moving forward on this goal (which is #3 behind getting my kids well launched and getting myself through grad school).0 -
A different view: you tried to include him in the activity, but not in the goal. He picked you, and obviously likes that. You want to make a bit of self-improvement, and chose a goal - leaving him out of the buy-in step. He's still bought in to you as you are.
Back to the pictures: bet he'd be amused if you included him in picking out a "goal picture" of what you're trying to achieve. Sort some alternatives out before hand to stack the desk toward him picking your goal if you're worried that he won't find the page you're on. And despite the amusement level at the task, I bet you get a lot more support after that. After all, then he'll be able to at least partially visualize what you're trying to achieve.0 -
I started out losing weight for myself and got a BF somewhere in my weight loss journey. I fell a little into that trap. We went out to eat all the time and he liked me the way I was.. so who cared. But, I had to learn to shift my mind set arond and realize that I wasn't doing it for him, I was doing it for ME. I like exercising, I like looking good in a bathing suit, I like all my clothes and how they fit and I don't want to have to buy new stuff or not have my favorite pair of shorts fit me. I felt like a better version of me when I lost the weight and stuck with it.
Sometimes it's hard to to stay motivated when you're alone.. but I actually enjoy it more because the only person keeping me accountable is me. If I motivate myself, I don't need anyone else to be doing it. Maybe you could look into getting a running buddy or having a friend go with you to the gym. Make friends at the gym who will go to classes with you or meet you for a weight lifting session. Try to find other people to help you instead.0 -
One of the reasons I choose running is in addition to the fitness gains racing ads a whole new component to the process. I train to race and I'm interested in seeing how fast I can possibly get. It gives a depth to my training that keeps me interested and working towards something. It becomes almost like a hobby I can imerse myself in. Once I get to that point it doesn't matter if my wife is unsupportive. When I made the switch from getting a workout in to training for an event the lack of support stopped having meaning.0
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I think I'm a bit emotional today as a lot of your posts got me teary eyed. I will definitely revisit this thread often as food for thought.
I know it's a mindset...
I
this place, I'm so glad I started using the boards. 0 -
I have a wife that actively campaigns against my weight loss and fitness, thus:
You look fine
You're losing weight too fast (at roughly a pound a week)
You work out too much (one hour weight lifting three times a week)
You're getting too thin (at 28% bodyfat)
Good thing I don't need her permission.0 -
I understand where you're coming from. As much as I wish hubby would work out and live a more healthy lifestyle, I can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to. I work out for me. I choose a healthier lifestyle for me. I find working out is a great stress reliever. Hubby unwinds by gaming.
I sent you a friend request. Feel free to message me if you want to vent. I will not judge you. Hugs!0 -
I have the same problem. My wife is happy I'm working on it, but really doesn't help. I'm on my own when it comes to picking healthy food choices, working out, etc. I've found being diligent to this site helps motivate me as well as logging in to fitocracy to keep the competitive side of me satisfied. You can do it, once you start seeing results it's huge motivation. Best of luck!0
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I agree! You have to do it for YOURSELF! or it doesn't work and you won't be happy! I just try to remember that I hate being overweight and out of shape and not being able to run fun runs or exercise with my kids! As selfish as it seems you have to make it a priority on your list and keep it there no matter what ANYONE else things!! Believe me I know. When I stopped keeping it a priority and knew my husband didn't care.......................before I knew it I had gained 60lbs with the I don't care attitude. And starting over SUCKS!!!!!! It's soo hard! Stay with it!!! I have learned my lession!!!! YOu are doing great! Focus on the positive. How you feel, how much more energy you have, you are healthier, and you get to buy smaller clothes!
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On the oposite side my wife doesn't seem to care about outward issues either... I do because I am recovering from one of the lowest points in my life...She did nothing to help except tell me how expesive the dsoctor bills were... She did not go get a job to help when I lost my job..when I started my journey this year she does not agknowledge that I have lost two sizes... and still i am wearing my old clothes, she says we can't afford new clothes for me.. yeah i know about no support..so i keep my self happy and focused by never wanting to be like that...0
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As much as I want the hubby to join me because it would be better, I am doing this for me and our son. The hubby married me when i was much bigger, and while he loves that I am losing and looking better, he still loves me for me. It is hard going it alone, but sometimes you have to do it on your own.
Best of luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0 -
I get it. My husband is supportive, but isn't participating. So far, it's okay, but I do think I'll get to a point when he starts nagging me to eat more or not lose anymore weight. I showed him someone's success story pictures, and he said, "She lost too much. I think she looks better before. She's someone who's supposed to have a fuller face." Crossing my fingers he get on board before he discourages me!
...and yes, I know that I'm fully responsible for me. But sometimes it's easier to actually be alone than to be doing this alone with someone who's not fully on board!0 -
My husband and I have been together for 14 years. He is very supportive and loving of me no matter what. Truly unconditional. He led a more healthy lifestyle when we first started dating, but we've both gained some weight over the years. (I've always been overweight, but he wasn't.) He bought an exercise bike for me a few years ago that I've barely touched. He's purchased workout DVD's for me that I've rarely used - at my request, by the way. It's taken me a very long time to get as motivated as I am now. Thankfully, he goes to the gym, too (has for over a year), and we're working on goals for ourselves, but also working together.
So, maybe we have to get to the point for ourselves where we want to be happy (happier?!), and I know for myself, I'm not happy being overweight. We didn't talk about my weight very often, but when we did, he was always trying to be supportive in the fact that he knows I'm not happy being overweight. And, now that we have a child, we both want to be healthy for our son and be an active family. I don't wish my son to be inactive or overweight as a child, like I was. It's not fun. I missed out on so much.
While I agree that it's your own personal journey to make sure you're happy and stay dedicated and committed to your goals, I also believe its important to have support from your spouse. Even though my husband never pushed me or yelled at me, its been really nice knowing I can turn to him, especially when I need him now, to be supportive and cheering on my decision to finally become healthy.
We want to long, healthy lives together! :flowerforyou:0
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