When you're going it alone

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  • RsJ0825
    RsJ0825 Posts: 2
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    Ok.... not used to posting here.... gotta do a little practice:blushing:
  • SergeantG
    SergeantG Posts: 92
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    You are looking for excuses...You should be doing it for you, not for anybody elses approval....

    I wouldn't say it is excuses....but more of trap that a person can fall into when the significant other shows no interest or (like in my case) makes the person feel guilty for wanting to spend time excersing or eating better meals, etc....

    My husband is the same way....he gets mad at me when I want to go for a run on my days off from work...he gets irritated with me when I don't want to eat the same meals as the rest of the family...overall, he is not happy with my goals to becoome health and fit.

    I have never asked him to change his ways, I haven't urged him to work-out, I haven't really included him in my meal planning (cuz he wouldn't eat it anyway)...

    But it is definitely hard when the person you love is not supporting you....and not helping you in a quest to better yourself. It sets your mind in an ugly place, not excuses, but rather, indifference in your own goals....
  • RsJ0825
    RsJ0825 Posts: 2
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    I completely understand where you're coming from.

    My husband is one of the most loving and accepting people I've ever met, and he has never once in 12 years hinted that he cares about my weight, what I wear, my makeup...anything. Obviously he has preferences, but I've never gone to any extreme so he's ok. I've always had atrociously low self-esteem, so he's way more concerned with me being happy with myself as I am, rather than changing.

    So anyway, as with everything there are definitely downsides. While he might be cheering me on, it's definitely from the sidelines, and if I say "to hell with it all" he wouldn't bat an eye, or push me when I need a push. He's not going to join the gym or start counting calories or go on runs with me.

    I had to summon a lot of strength up to decide to make such drastic changes in my life without someone there doing it with me. Even more to stick it out during the times when I don't really want to, knowing I could stop with pretty much zero accountability. But it's such a growth for me - there's so much more to be proud of than pounds lost, you know? It's something that I'm doing ONLY for me, only through my own strength.

    This is what I meant to say...... right on! You hit the nail on the head!:happy:
  • rsalty
    rsalty Posts: 68 Member
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    What works for motivating me: photo site favorites. I think there may be a bit more honesty in labeling attractive in the anonymity of the internet than in asking a specific person how you look. And remember, "hot" members of the appropriate sex are used to being pickier, so their favorites are a little more discriminatory. You get fave'd by them, you won on looks. Just make certain to check the faves of people who know what fit is, and not just what magazine photoshoppery looks like.

    Depending on the dynamics you and your husband have, you may be able to give him a little motivation to join in. After all, what girl (or the why-the-hey-should-I-grow-up-really! part of a woman) wouldn't want sexy abs/shoulders/whatnot to play with for Christmas/birthday/Valentines/anniversary? Maybe I'm wrong, but it sure seems like it would beat the lingerie that's stereotypically given when being that, um.. physical? And the salsa/tango potential is much higher once everything's in place. If he's the more sport or action movie oriented type, perhaps a couple of parkour workout video's will make him think he want's a little more fitness.

    This is pretty much what I decided to try to do for my girlfriend, albeit while she's out of the country so it should be a little more of a surprise at the unwrapping. To make it more specific, I put a fat goal of 15% (from 30%) and well developed enough muscles to have some ab/chest/back definition... won't be perfect, but I won't quite be the "warm water bottle pillow" she currently (and very sweetly) tells me I am.

    I know all this is shallower than Lake Bonneville is today, but it is what keeps me moving forward on this goal (which is #3 behind getting my kids well launched and getting myself through grad school).
  • rsalty
    rsalty Posts: 68 Member
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    A different view: you tried to include him in the activity, but not in the goal. He picked you, and obviously likes that. You want to make a bit of self-improvement, and chose a goal - leaving him out of the buy-in step. He's still bought in to you as you are.

    Back to the pictures: bet he'd be amused if you included him in picking out a "goal picture" of what you're trying to achieve. Sort some alternatives out before hand to stack the desk toward him picking your goal if you're worried that he won't find the page you're on. And despite the amusement level at the task, I bet you get a lot more support after that. After all, then he'll be able to at least partially visualize what you're trying to achieve.
  • FrankiesSaysRelax
    FrankiesSaysRelax Posts: 403 Member
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    I started out losing weight for myself and got a BF somewhere in my weight loss journey. I fell a little into that trap. We went out to eat all the time and he liked me the way I was.. so who cared. But, I had to learn to shift my mind set arond and realize that I wasn't doing it for him, I was doing it for ME. I like exercising, I like looking good in a bathing suit, I like all my clothes and how they fit and I don't want to have to buy new stuff or not have my favorite pair of shorts fit me. I felt like a better version of me when I lost the weight and stuck with it.

    Sometimes it's hard to to stay motivated when you're alone.. but I actually enjoy it more because the only person keeping me accountable is me. If I motivate myself, I don't need anyone else to be doing it. Maybe you could look into getting a running buddy or having a friend go with you to the gym. Make friends at the gym who will go to classes with you or meet you for a weight lifting session. Try to find other people to help you instead.
  • SpleenThief
    SpleenThief Posts: 293 Member
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    One of the reasons I choose running is in addition to the fitness gains racing ads a whole new component to the process. I train to race and I'm interested in seeing how fast I can possibly get. It gives a depth to my training that keeps me interested and working towards something. It becomes almost like a hobby I can imerse myself in. Once I get to that point it doesn't matter if my wife is unsupportive. When I made the switch from getting a workout in to training for an event the lack of support stopped having meaning.
  • sadiebrawl
    sadiebrawl Posts: 863 Member
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    I think I'm a bit emotional today as a lot of your posts got me teary eyed. I will definitely revisit this thread often as food for thought.

    I know it's a mindset...

    I <3 this place, I'm so glad I started using the boards.
  • CipherZero
    CipherZero Posts: 1,418 Member
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    I have a wife that actively campaigns against my weight loss and fitness, thus:
    You look fine
    You're losing weight too fast (at roughly a pound a week)
    You work out too much (one hour weight lifting three times a week)
    You're getting too thin (at 28% bodyfat)

    Good thing I don't need her permission.
  • lvnh
    lvnh Posts: 60 Member
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    I understand where you're coming from. As much as I wish hubby would work out and live a more healthy lifestyle, I can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to. I work out for me. I choose a healthier lifestyle for me. I find working out is a great stress reliever. Hubby unwinds by gaming.

    I sent you a friend request. Feel free to message me if you want to vent. I will not judge you. Hugs!
  • BrianDCarlson
    BrianDCarlson Posts: 12
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    I have the same problem. My wife is happy I'm working on it, but really doesn't help. I'm on my own when it comes to picking healthy food choices, working out, etc. I've found being diligent to this site helps motivate me as well as logging in to fitocracy to keep the competitive side of me satisfied. You can do it, once you start seeing results it's huge motivation. Best of luck!
  • Kimbee1974
    Kimbee1974 Posts: 6
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    I agree! You have to do it for YOURSELF! or it doesn't work and you won't be happy! I just try to remember that I hate being overweight and out of shape and not being able to run fun runs or exercise with my kids! As selfish as it seems you have to make it a priority on your list and keep it there no matter what ANYONE else things!! Believe me I know. When I stopped keeping it a priority and knew my husband didn't care.......................before I knew it I had gained 60lbs with the I don't care attitude. And starting over SUCKS!!!!!! It's soo hard! Stay with it!!! I have learned my lession!!!! YOu are doing great! Focus on the positive. How you feel, how much more energy you have, you are healthier, and you get to buy smaller clothes! :)
  • Bownzi
    Bownzi Posts: 423 Member
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    On the oposite side my wife doesn't seem to care about outward issues either... I do because I am recovering from one of the lowest points in my life...She did nothing to help except tell me how expesive the dsoctor bills were... She did not go get a job to help when I lost my job..when I started my journey this year she does not agknowledge that I have lost two sizes... and still i am wearing my old clothes, she says we can't afford new clothes for me.. yeah i know about no support..so i keep my self happy and focused by never wanting to be like that...
  • NavyKnightAh13
    NavyKnightAh13 Posts: 1,394 Member
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    As much as I want the hubby to join me because it would be better, I am doing this for me and our son. The hubby married me when i was much bigger, and while he loves that I am losing and looking better, he still loves me for me. It is hard going it alone, but sometimes you have to do it on your own.

    Best of luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • spoiledpuppies
    spoiledpuppies Posts: 675 Member
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    I get it. My husband is supportive, but isn't participating. So far, it's okay, but I do think I'll get to a point when he starts nagging me to eat more or not lose anymore weight. I showed him someone's success story pictures, and he said, "She lost too much. I think she looks better before. She's someone who's supposed to have a fuller face." Crossing my fingers he get on board before he discourages me!

    ...and yes, I know that I'm fully responsible for me. But sometimes it's easier to actually be alone than to be doing this alone with someone who's not fully on board!
  • Chelz2013
    Chelz2013 Posts: 176 Member
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    My husband and I have been together for 14 years. He is very supportive and loving of me no matter what. Truly unconditional. He led a more healthy lifestyle when we first started dating, but we've both gained some weight over the years. (I've always been overweight, but he wasn't.) He bought an exercise bike for me a few years ago that I've barely touched. He's purchased workout DVD's for me that I've rarely used - at my request, by the way. It's taken me a very long time to get as motivated as I am now. Thankfully, he goes to the gym, too (has for over a year), and we're working on goals for ourselves, but also working together.

    So, maybe we have to get to the point for ourselves where we want to be happy (happier?!), and I know for myself, I'm not happy being overweight. We didn't talk about my weight very often, but when we did, he was always trying to be supportive in the fact that he knows I'm not happy being overweight. And, now that we have a child, we both want to be healthy for our son and be an active family. I don't wish my son to be inactive or overweight as a child, like I was. It's not fun. I missed out on so much.

    While I agree that it's your own personal journey to make sure you're happy and stay dedicated and committed to your goals, I also believe its important to have support from your spouse. Even though my husband never pushed me or yelled at me, its been really nice knowing I can turn to him, especially when I need him now, to be supportive and cheering on my decision to finally become healthy.

    We want to long, healthy lives together! :flowerforyou:

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