need help with my daughter

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  • healthydoseofglitter
    healthydoseofglitter Posts: 532 Member
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    I would maybe try some sort of fun exercise with her. Maybe a zumba class or hip hop dance class. Teens dont always want to hang out with there moms (darn hormones) so maybe her and a friend can go to a class.

    I was always and overweight teen ... I am now 24 and still struggling. I always wished my parents would have said something to me. I grew up in a big italian family so we ate lots of bad stuff. Perhaps cutting out bad items in the house will help her. Not sure if she is a soda drinker but maybe try cutting that back. Honestly I would be honest with her and tell her you are concerned or maybe speak to her doctor and have them mention something to her.

    Hope that helps.
  • knittygirl52
    knittygirl52 Posts: 432 Member
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    I was an overweight kid, and my parents tried to help me, but the bottom line is, nobody can do this for her. In fact, all the work that my parents did to try to help completely backfired and made me obsessive about food and caused me to have a very poor body image that I struggle with to this day. Kids can read you, so even though you are doing the right things to limit bad foods and to encourage exercise, she sees it as aimed at her.

    Keeping in mind that she is old enough to get out and eat junk food on her own, I would agree with those who suggest that you eliminate in your house on a daily basis. None of you really NEED it. She will do whatever she chooses to do, but you will at least set the right precedent.

    My daughter was not overweight as a teen, but she has gained a lot of weight since she married, and she was initially upset over the fact that I now weigh less than her and wear a smaller size than she does. She also told me she was going to be really upset if I got smaller than her. I have made her my accountability partner. I tell her whenever I have a bad day, the results of my weigh-ins, if I blow off a workout. It hasn't made her lose weight so far, but I can see she is beginning to think about the ramifications of what she eats and is beginning to limit some of her worst items. She now tells me she is proud of me, and that she hopes she can get rid of her weight while she is still young.
  • lisajohnny
    lisajohnny Posts: 15
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    I have two teenage daughters. Casey is 19 and is very tall and thin. Corey is 16 and is short and volumptous. Corey takes after me. HA! Corey has always been conscious about her weight. So very early on I got the girls involved with making healthy choices. Casey would make dinner on a given night and Corey would be responsible for dinner another night. They had to get their ingredients when we went shopping for groceries. It had to be healthy for the whole family. This really helped them understand the nutritional value of the foods they eat.

    Even today, they will look at the calorie intake of foods and they are really good at making the healthiest choice. Corey weighs about 116 and is 5'2" and Casey weighs about 125 and is 5' 8". Both girls are very involved in sports. Corey plays soccer and Casey is a Zumba instructor.

    I think just getting your daughter more involved with preparing meals, going for walks, and just talking about whats going on in her life will help. You may want to ask her to help YOU start eating better and exercising more. Recently, I got a bad report from my doctor and I told my daughters about it and they were GUNG HO about me making better decisions. That is the reason I joined MFP.

    I wish you and your daughter lots of luck!
  • Sauchie
    Sauchie Posts: 357 Member
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    I have the same issue with my 12 year old daughter. But a very different situation. My daughter has health issues and was always under weight. So they put her on pediasure because of her condition... Well now we find that this made her gain to much weight. She went from being one step ahead of a feeding tube to "obese" She is 4'4 and 99 pounds.... Shes also got lung issues so she knows I worry about her weight. But, I'm fat my parents are fat.... So about a month ago.. I made the decision to get fit and healthy. And to bring out the me i am inside.... I was fat all my life... When I was your daughters age, I was teased even pantsed by a neighbor in gym class my freshman year.

    So I saw this ad on tv for the golds gym dance workout for the wii. I have been doing it for over 3 weeks.... Yesterday, I challenged my daughter to a dance off after my workout.... After she can back from a picnic with my mom she did the workout by herself in her room.... It's a game but a workout... It even lets you choose a personal trainer, So she picked hottie lamatie with the swimmers body as she calls him.....

    My cousins are very skin their moms use to make their plates and thats all they got.. You could go that route. Its a healthy portion, but like you my mom let us eat whatever and we are both over weight.... by the time I was a senior I was almost 200 lbs at 4'10....
    Even give her rewards if she gets on it with you.... a new outfit a mani/pedi... Make it fun and a challenge a family weigh in day... Winner picks their fav meal & you make it healthy :-) everything in moderation.. I even eat Chinese but sparingly . Best of luck
  • maurierose
    maurierose Posts: 574 Member
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    We have a 15 year old daughter, who is about the same height - maybe it would help to keep some of the healthy things she likes around? Ours loves grapes, spaghetti squash, avocados, yoplait light "fancy flavor" yogurts, etc.... sometimes they're a little more expensive than apples/carrot sticks, but they're better than chips and cookies, and they're something she really enjoys and appreciates!!!

    I also have a stationary bike, and offered to share it - I love the times she hops on it and we sit and talk while she rides for a while... she has a captive audience to talk about "stuff" and I have her all to myself for a little bit..... we're really enjoying that!

    Dishing up plates at dinner is a great suggestion from posters above - we do that in our home too, serve the plates, put the leftovers away.... if anyone is still hungry, they can grab a piece of fruit/veggies..... works wonders.

    :smile: :flowerforyou:

    EDIT: Had another idea.... if she's the least bit interested in calories/nutrition, you can email your district office.... ours was happy to provide the nutrition info for high school lunch options. As our teenage son needs TWICE the daily calories that our daughter needs, it was really helpful to know the "higher" and "lower" options..... all prompted by a health class discussion. Watch for an opening, and make it "interesting" instead of judgemental or pressuring! :o) Good luck to you!!!
  • bennettv
    bennettv Posts: 152 Member
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    We've had drastic changes in our diet in the last 4-years due to food allergies and gluten intollerance. We've used it as a way to eat clean. So, we removed everything from our house that wasn't in line with clean eating. The kids are required to ask before getting themselves food - they're 4 and 7-years old. If they're hungry between meals fruit or nuts are thier options, period! The "junk food" we do have (sweet potato chips, tarow chips, etc...) are consumed as part of a meal and put on thier plate as a portion. They can't get seconds until their entire plate is empty the first time around. They don't get a bed time snack unless they eat their dinner. They have the right not to like dinner and choose not to eat it, but that means they have to pick something out of the fridge that doesn't require grown-up assistance (PBJ, leftovers, fruit). We removed juice as an option for a beverage several years ago. Our older son at the time wouldn't drink water. It took a long time (and a lot of milk) for him to try water. Now he loves it.

    Writing this it seems like we have a lot of rules and it's strict. Change takes time. These rules have evolved over time with our family. I think the kids would be surprised that there are so many rules about eating in our house -- to them, it's just the way our family does things. My husband and I have made intentional efforts to improve our habits to set an example. My 7-year old is going to be running a 1-mile fun run with me in a few weeks. This again didn't happen over night. He has vision issues and HATES sports. He's seen me running since February and got curious.

    I would recommend not forcing anything, but limit the environment to a healthy one and provide ample examples of desirable behavior yourself. You aren't working to change your childs diet you're working to change your family culture. Changing a culture is very difficulty and takes time.
  • Mamakatspokane
    Mamakatspokane Posts: 3,098 Member
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    I was your daughter. My mom changed her eating habits and joined a gym when I was 16ish. I was relatively healthy until I went to university (I lived at home for all 4 years) and quit playing sports so I could hang out with my boyfriend. I remember the fights with my mom over food and I still get the "look" when I make a bad food choice around her. It really hurt our relationship and damaged my self-esteem, which led to more eating.

    You do need to encourage her to eat healthy but please do not make it about her weight. Daughters need the support of their moms and need to know that their moms love them no matter what. I agree with getting rid of the junk food and doing active family activities. She will probably use her own money to buy junk food, but there is not much you can do about it. I would quietly throw away all the junk, without mentioning anything to her about it. If she asks for junk, just do not buy it. Don't say its because of her, blame it on your own lifestyle change ("I can't have fudgseicles around or else I will eat them").

    At the end of the day, make sure that she knows that you love her regardless of her size. She knows she is overweight and will change when she is ready.

    Well said!
    The only thing I would add is maybe tell her for her health (not weight) that you want her to do one activity...dance, gym, tennis, badmitton..whatever and that her brother will also being doing one..the family is trying to get healthy (not skinny) so everyone is going to do an activity...
  • Loisandrev
    Loisandrev Posts: 36
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    I have a daughter that will be 13yo in October. She is 5'6" and weighs 173. She swims on a year round swim team and swims approx. 1-3 hrs a day 5-6 days a week. She has very solid muscle mass so it's hard for me to say how overweight she is. I would guess approx. 20-30 lbs. This is how I have been approaching her weight. I have been teaching her healthy food choices. We talk often about serving size. I am amazed at the amount of things that are packaged as a serving and are actually 2-3 servings. I have told her she can eat whatever as long as it is a serving and she makes mostly healthy choices. Strangely she is picking salads and fruit etc. I told her she can have things that are junk but only if she sticks to the serving size and allows herself treats only a few times a week, not daily. So far she's ok with the changes as long as I allow her to make choices. i don't buy junk like ice cream, cookies.. I tell her i am not buying them because I am making a lifestyle change to eat healthier.. I tell her we are eating healthy as a family. I think it helps to allow them to still have choices. We are making it a lifestyle change and not a DIET. I am cooking healthier and being an active example for her. I PRAY it works.
  • kennedar
    kennedar Posts: 306 Member
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    I was your daughter. My mom changed her eating habits and joined a gym when I was 16ish. I was relatively healthy until I went to university (I lived at home for all 4 years) and quit playing sports so I could hang out with my boyfriend. I remember the fights with my mom over food and I still get the "look" when I make a bad food choice around her. It really hurt our relationship and damaged my self-esteem, which led to more eating.

    You do need to encourage her to eat healthy but please do not make it about her weight. Daughters need the support of their moms and need to know that their moms love them no matter what. I agree with getting rid of the junk food and doing active family activities. She will probably use her own money to buy junk food, but there is not much you can do about it. I would quietly throw away all the junk, without mentioning anything to her about it. If she asks for junk, just do not buy it. Don't say its because of her, blame it on your own lifestyle change ("I can't have fudgseicles around or else I will eat them").

    At the end of the day, make sure that she knows that you love her regardless of her size. She knows she is overweight and will change when she is ready.

    Well said!
    The only thing I would add is maybe tell her for her health (not weight) that you want her to do one activity...dance, gym, tennis, badmitton..whatever and that her brother will also being doing one..the family is trying to get healthy (not skinny) so everyone is going to do an activity...

    That would have worked really well with me. When we were teenagers, we were required to do one sport a season. They did not care which sport it was, but it had to be somethiing active and we could not quit until the end of the season (except for when I was kicked out of ballet at 3 years old!). If you make it a house-hold rule, it could work really well I think. The other thing is, are there any clubs/groups at school that she would be interested in? I did technical theatre and there was a lot of exercise from climbing ladders and producing sets. If she is 14, she should be about to go to high school correct? I would push her to find an activity there that she enjoys. Usually they are free, or close to it, and involve some sort of physical activity. Even the band has to learn to march in rythem!
  • hartlife48
    hartlife48 Posts: 33
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    All I ask is please be sensitive. Girls this age are very sensitive and vulnerable, and one wrong comment can send the poor girl in emotional turmoil. My sister's gym teacher made a comment in front of the class that it would be a good idea for her to lose weight, and as a result she suffered from bulemia for 5 plus years. There is definitely a right and a wrong approach to this issue, and I am confident with the help of your MFP friends you will make the right choice :) Good luck!
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
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    You could try not keeping unhealthy food in the house then there will not be a choice whether to have "bad" food or not.

    I agree with this.

    Children will not starve themselves. If your house is full of only good things, she will eat some of them.

    You have to lead by example, which it sounds like you already are. She will come around. If she comments that she doesn't want you to be smaller than she is, you can gently remind her that she can decide to change her health too. Not in a way that makes it sound as though you think she's fat, but in a way that reminds her that her current state of health is 1. up to her, and 2.dynamic...she's not stuck at her weight any more than you are.
  • mrsyac2
    mrsyac2 Posts: 2,784 Member
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    Cut the tv time,computer time, game playing and send her outside. Put her in sports as well. Get her active! Get the crap out of the house is the first step- yes she may get it elsewhere but atleast it won't be in the house. A fudge pop for breakfast is unexceptable and I'm glad you said no.
  • KeriA
    KeriA Posts: 3,275 Member
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    bump (to read later) good topic
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
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    although it is "technically" against the rules for a teenager to use MFP, they do. it's ok. just adjust the DOB
  • rockinright
    rockinright Posts: 241
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    ...she's a 15 year old girl. Nothing is going to motivate her but a boyfriend. LOL. As a teen, I was always between 160 and 175 lbs (give or take), but I'm a little taller (at 5'6"). My father was a HUGE man, so it's always been difficult for me to be thin. I also HATED exercising unless it was something I picked to do for myself (like volleyball, which I played all through high school). Even walking the dog was a huge issue for me. If you belong to a gym, why don't you take her to try a kickboxing class or a Zumba class? That way she can see if she likes it. Also, only keep healthy foods in your house. No more junk, no more fudgecicles. Try fruit and nut bars, baked chips, or tortilla chips with salsa. Or even popcorn! Have a variety, but no junk. That way she doesn't have that option. As for dinners, cook foods that are high in protein and fiber so that she fells fuller. Good luck!

    that's a step above me. I hated ALL excercise, even sports. As a guy that's tough. Even now I abhor exercise and have to force myself to do it.
  • NH_1970
    NH_1970 Posts: 544 Member
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    You could set new 'house rules' where you do a family day(s) where everyone has to participate with no reasons other than sickness or injury could they be excused.
    Then go out and make sure that you, your son, your daughter and anyone else who lives in your home goes out and does something active. It's a good way to spend family time together. You could go hiking, go biking, etc. and if she is in the mindset social peer group thing of "what will my friends think if they see me!" - which is normal. Then go to another area where they won't see her, or tell your kids that they can invite one friend along to go on an outing with you.

    I'm also with everyone else who has said it, remove bad food choices from your home.

    You may also want to have her checked out with your doctor to make sure it's nothing physical affecting her weight gain/appetite.
    Also doing balanced nutrition is good, because she might be craving carbs for the serotonin release which helps reduce stress and teen age years are fraught with stressors. Exercise and good balanced nutrition can help with that.
    Like my daughter craves carbs when she gets home from school, I have healthy carbs available for her because I know that she's just come home from a long day of having to be 'the teen at school with her friends, and among her teachers.' Which isn't the same as when she's at home and can just be herself. Good mood/bad mood/silly etc.

    Here's an article on food/mood http://www.faqs.org/nutrition/Met-Obe/Mood-Food-Relationships.html

    Also, make sure you're adding protein to your evening meals and not going straight carb/starches on food, and you might want to ask her if she's eating at school, My daughter went through a phase where she wouldn't eat at school but would want to come home and eat and eat, and I had to ask her if she was eating lunch, or how much lunch she was eating. Also there isn't a huge consumption of water at school either generally for most kids, so you might want to teach her about hydration, which can mimic the hunger urge if it's low.
  • NH_1970
    NH_1970 Posts: 544 Member
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    Oh and if you fudge it and have her join MFP you should definitely learn from a doctor "the horses mouth" on what acceptable calories are for a growing teen, They are NOTHING like the minimum or recommendation that MFP puts in for adults.
  • chocolateandvodka
    chocolateandvodka Posts: 1,856 Member
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    as i don't have kids of my own i'm probably not much help except that i've been in your daughter's shoes. when i was 14 i fluctuated between 130-160 thanks to a terrible attitude about food and binge dieting (no parents for a chunk of my teen years)

    but i CAN give you some advice with the second and third helpings. i actually have this issue with my husband and have started serving our plates as soon as the food is ready, and then immediately putting the remainder away. that way the first plate is measured and pre-portioned BEFORE i touch a bite of it. and if YOU (i.e. hubby, teenage daughter) want second helpings after that? then YOU have to pull it out of the fridge, open it, reheat it, repackage it, wash the dishes, etc. it's definitely enough to make a teenage girl or a husband think twice. especially when everybody's used to mom cleaning the kitchen after dinner.

    quick edit - yes i agree with all the other posters (just now reading the responses) get the junk food out of your house. we don't keep that stuff at our house for this very reason. and i have to say that the habit started when my stepmom moved in and noticed the EXACT same thing going on with me (i was about 15 then) and made the rule that if i wanted junk food i had to buy it and eat it away from home with my own money.

    the other thing is to quit using food as a reward or motivator if that's something you do or have done.

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