I really need help :(
ashamed123
Posts: 3
in Chit-Chat
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years and moved in together last year. He is a genuine and lovely guy but things haven’t really been the same since we started living together and we’re more like roommates or friends than a couple.
We haven’t had sex in about 2 years (ever since we split up for a few months and he had a brief relationship with another girl). I guess I felt like I had some trust issues.
We get along very well and everyone comments on how easygoing and compatible we are, but I think that’s because I’m not in love with him anymore.
I’m only 21 years old so we started dating when I was 17. I feel like I’ve never had a chance to be my own person and live my life more independently.
We sat down last year and spoke about how I was unhappy but nothing has changed. I feel like I’ve given it my best shot, but maybe we’re not meant to be together after all. I need some space.
Despite all of this, I care about him very deeply, our families are very close and we’re in a tight knit group of friends. We had previously discussed getting married and having children.
I’m terrified of rocking the boat. I don’t want to lose friends or family because of this and I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend.
Do I stay purely because that’s the most convenient option and would make everyone else happy? (What my head is telling me)
Or do I leave, risking my relationship with my friends and family, knowing that it would be better for us both in the long run. (What my heart is telling me)
Surely I deserve more than being stuck in a relationship that’s run its course, when I could find the love of my life?
And more importantly, surely my boyfriend deserves better than being stuck in a relationship with someone that isn’t in love with him anymore?
I don’t want to make a mistake and I don’t want anyone to get hurt but I’m very unhappy.
What do you think I should do?
We haven’t had sex in about 2 years (ever since we split up for a few months and he had a brief relationship with another girl). I guess I felt like I had some trust issues.
We get along very well and everyone comments on how easygoing and compatible we are, but I think that’s because I’m not in love with him anymore.
I’m only 21 years old so we started dating when I was 17. I feel like I’ve never had a chance to be my own person and live my life more independently.
We sat down last year and spoke about how I was unhappy but nothing has changed. I feel like I’ve given it my best shot, but maybe we’re not meant to be together after all. I need some space.
Despite all of this, I care about him very deeply, our families are very close and we’re in a tight knit group of friends. We had previously discussed getting married and having children.
I’m terrified of rocking the boat. I don’t want to lose friends or family because of this and I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend.
Do I stay purely because that’s the most convenient option and would make everyone else happy? (What my head is telling me)
Or do I leave, risking my relationship with my friends and family, knowing that it would be better for us both in the long run. (What my heart is telling me)
Surely I deserve more than being stuck in a relationship that’s run its course, when I could find the love of my life?
And more importantly, surely my boyfriend deserves better than being stuck in a relationship with someone that isn’t in love with him anymore?
I don’t want to make a mistake and I don’t want anyone to get hurt but I’m very unhappy.
What do you think I should do?
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Replies
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Go with your heart. You deserve to be happy and so does he.0
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I agree. I think you need to follow your heart. Your true friends will understand and I'm sure your family will too. You both deserve to be happy.0
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I wish when I was 21, someone had told me what I'm about to tell you.
Don't stay with him if you don't love him.
You are so young, and you have so much potential for happiness and deep, true love.
Please believe me, if you stay, when you're older, you will wish that you could get those years back.
I know it's hard to walk away when there's so much history, but if you break up, think of all the time you're opening up to create a history with the right person for you.
Good luck. :flowerforyou:0 -
Let him read this post. You put things very reasonably. Than talk about how to break the news to friends and family together.0
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Are you sure you haven't got it the wrong way round with what your hear and heart are telling you? You are only 21, if you stay to please others how long do you think you could stay so unhappy? 50+ years is what you're talking and then there's having a family in an unhappy relationship. The sooner you make the break the sooner you can start living. Sex is a really important part of a marriage because it keeps you close and bonded, lose that and you only have a friend! If your family and friends love you then they will get over it, whereas if you stay to please them then there is no way you will get over it but you will just break up further down the line.
I think it's time for you to call it a day and walk away. I don't say this lightly, I married my first boyfriend and have been married 18 years, I'm still very much in love with my husband. I have never been with anyone else and don't want to, but you can't stay in a relationship you are no happy in, you will end up resenting each other. Have you spoken to your boyfriend? He may feel the same way but be afraid of hurting you. Whatever he feels, it's unfair on both of you to keep the relationship going when you are so unhappy.
Just my opinion ;-)0 -
You shouldn't put what friends and family MIGHT think about you before your own happiness. If they love the guy so much, one of them can date him. You deserve to be happy and at 21, you should be out having the time of your life. Marriage and kids changes everything (for the better) and you lose that freedom to just up and go do whatever you want.
If you do not want to be with your boyfriend anymore, then you should end it. It's really not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship that feels more like a platonic friendship. I would suggest sitting down and talking to him, letting him know you need your space and ending it.
:flowerforyou:0 -
I think you should close your eyes and leave from that, open the door to a new oportunities and close the chapter.
Let's do it, you can get a better life outside and I'm sure you'll be happy living the live at your rythm and discovering new stuffs...0 -
You lost me at haven't had sex in 2 years. Seriously? I think you should do both of you a favor and just break up. Your family and friends will deal. It sounds like there is a good chance you two could stay friends since that's all you are now anyways.0
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Ending any long term relationship is hard, but worth it when you are feeling the way you feel. 21 is young and you have so many years ahead of you. Set yourself up to enjoy your life and live true to yourself, do not live your life as others think you "should", live it for you.0
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You are 21 years old! You have your whole life ahead of you. Why would you settle for what you have when it makes you unhappy. I was 18 when I got married the first time, by the time I was 21, I knew I could not spend the rest of my life with him, no way, no how! So we got divorced, which was final when I was 23. I met my current husband when I was 23 and I COULD see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Here we are 23 years later.
Get out and enjoy life!0 -
Hi,
You do need to follow your heart. But also know that compatability which you state that you have is a big thing.. are you unhappy where you are? or is it just not romantic passionate love? cause that **** burns off quick in a marriage ( married eleven years)0 -
Hi,
You do need to follow your heart. But also know that compatability which you state that you have is a big thing.. are you unhappy where you are? or is it just not romantic passionate love? cause that **** burns off quick in a marriage ( married eleven years)
^^This. Maybe the compatibility is more important than the sex bit. But you are only 21 (as am I
) so if you feel like you want out, maybe that's the right thing. 0 -
Break up. See if it's possible to remain friends with him. If you do lose friends over it, they probably aren't very good friends anyways.0
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You only have this Life and you need to live it for YOU. You can't live it for anyone else. You are both so young and you'll each find someone that is right for you.
As everyone else said, follow your heart. An unhappy heart is not way to live the only Life you have It'll hurt for a while but it'll get better... the sooner the better and the sooner the happier you'll be . 0 -
Does it have to be 'couple' or nothing?
I think, from what you've written, that the 'couple' relationship is already gone and you both know that.
But, it also seems that you have the beginnings of a fantastic friendship. Don't lose that.
Talk to your OH and start making it clear to friends and family that you are no longer a couple but have decided to remain close friends. That way, you don't lose friends or family and gain a brilliant new friend.0 -
Thank you all for your advice.
My boyfriend is such a wonderful guy but I've just fallen out of love with him
I wish there was a less painful way around this, but I guess I need to do what's best for the both of us in the long run.0 -
Thank you all for your advice.
My boyfriend is such a wonderful guy but I've just fallen out of love with him
I wish there was a less painful way around this, but I guess I need to do what's best for the both of us in the long run.
You need to start making this clarification immediately, he is not your boyfriend he is a roomate at most 'friend without benefits at this point.
Sit down and talk with him. I am sure that he feels pretty much the same way and will have as much relief as you will. Make plans and move ahead with your life.
No sex for two years? Are you serious! You have lost two years of your life that you will never get back. I would be mad as heck....and you should be also.0 -
You know, I was thinking about this post earlier this morning. I don't know how old your boyfriend is, but I am assuming he's not a lot older than you. For you two to go 2 years without sex, that right there tells me that the relationship is not right for either of you. I don't know many 21 year old males who are willing to go 2 years without having sex (though I am sure he's watching porn or finding some other release).
Sex and intimacy are a huge part of a relationship.Without them, you may as well just be roommates.
Good luck to you, whatever you do!0 -
You're 21 years old. Bail. You've had a 4 year relationship. 2 Years of it is without intimacy. Part of the other two years he was banging another gal. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Get out. Move on.0 -
This is what happened to me... 18 years ago. Please learn to be okay with moving on and do it, because the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave on good terms. I don't know for sure, but I think maybe that it is possible to have a romantic relationship with another person that stays that way, rather than becoming 'room mates' after a few years. In my opinion it would be worth looking for. :flowerforyou:0
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You can end it now, or go through a bitter divorce in a few years when there are kids involved. Which do you think would rock the boat more?0
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If you haven't had sex for two years and you are living as roommates, I would encourge you to end this relationship. At your young age you have so much life ahead of you. This will give the the opportunity to start fresh and look for the right person for you.0
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You should leave, and you are right that it will be hard, but it will be the best thing in the end. I had to do this when I was 25. I ended an engagement to a great guy that I was living with who everyone loved (except for me!). People thought I was crazy, including my parents, but I just knew I wouldn't be happy in the long run. It was very hard, I lived on a friend's couch for months and I had a lot of times when I doubted my decision, but after a little while I knew I was right. Now, 12 years later and very happily married to an amazing man, I know I was. The whole thing actually made me a whole lot stronger and a much more independent person. It was actually freeing to know that I had the strength to leave a situation when I knew it wasn't right for me. My ex is also thriving so I know it was the best thing for both of us in the long run, but it was difficult.0
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Mostly I'm concerned you are telling this to strangers on a fitness message board.0
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Why does everyone always assume there's someone else or something better out there for you?
Relationships are disposable just like everything else in this world. - or so it seems.
I prefer to stick it out through the good the bad and the ugly.0 -
Why does everyone always assume there's someone else or something better out there for you?
Relationships are disposable just like everything else in this world. - or so it seems.
I prefer to stick it out through the good the bad and the ugly.
You also aren't 21 years old in a sexless, loveless relationship.0 -
I got stuck on the 2 years thing0 -
You are way WAY too young to be stuck in a dead end relationship - and no sex for 2 years at your age???? Hun, you need to leave. Relationships aren't about convenience or what is best for everyone else. Clearly you aren't happy - and if you lose friends or family over this, good riddance.0
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Mostly I'm concerned you are telling this to strangers on a fitness message board.
Because I felt like I needed an unbiased perspective. And this is a place where no-one knows me.
Thank you all. I think it's clear what I need to do, just need to find the right time and the right thing to say.0 -
If you haven't had sex for two years and you are living as roommates, I would encourage you to end this relationship. At your young age you have so much life ahead of you. This will give the the opportunity to start fresh and look for the right person for you.
^ Yes.0
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