I don't want to do it for me....Why????

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  • Ed98043
    Ed98043 Posts: 1,333 Member
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    I agree that whatever motivates you to get your butt off the couch or your head out the fridge is a good thing.

    Regarding placing too much of your self worth in the hands of men, at least you recognize it and that's the first step to finding a more solid place to anchor your precious self esteem than on the whims of a fickle and shallow gender. I suggest helping others, developing an undernourished talent, furthering your education, or whatever it is that makes you feel strong and worthwhile so that your self worth comes from within.
  • MexicanOsmosis
    MexicanOsmosis Posts: 382 Member
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    Truthfully, the only reason I dream of weightloss is because I want to do it for someone else, to show him that:
    1. I can do it
    2. He thinks that it's so easy - all he sees are what ppl on here call "skinny fat" chicks, the lucky ones. In real life, it's hard.
    3. I want to rub it in his face and tell him I deserve more now that I'm skinny.

    Stop dreaming and start doing, it will happen!

    1. Yes, you CAN do it.
    2. Easy is a relative term. Regardless, it does take work.
    3. Just because you're skinny wouldn't mean you deserve "more". Not to sound cliché, but if you're referring to a significant other, your "worth" shouldn't improve because you lose weight, but I digress.

    Honestly while you say that they aren't reasons for you, they are. YOU want to prove to him that YOU can do it. I'd call that a self motivating reason.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    I wish I had the answer because I think I know where you're coming from. However since it's not my frame of reference and I could never fix/help the person I knew who had that kind of thinking (my mother), I don't know?

    To this day she doesn't know what she likes. Only she's transferred the onus of "do I like this or not?" from my father to my sister and if she's not available to me. When she does this she remembers all the times I reminded her mom, you are doing what you think you have to for my dad and making an imaginary "to do " list and saying "i have to" when he hasnt' even said anything and you just imagined you do because you are trying to read his mind to please him before he is displeased. It used to anger me but now I just don't participate but also don't comment. If we go to a furniture store for instance to buy something for my son, I wait and wait and hold back my opinions to let her have one first otherwise she will just glom onto mine. Then when she has her idea of oh maybe this bed what do you think, I don't. I pretend not to know thing one about beds and let her flesh it out in her own mind then finally at the end agree with the strongest points.

    It's the only thing I can think of to help her develop her own wants and desires. I love my mother dearly and it saddens me that I have never seen her have anything she ever truly wanted because she has never known what she wanted. She has only guessed at it and then waited for others to approve or deny it as valid.

    I hope you figure this out because I think it's important even though I may not have the right words to say how?

    ETA: I took the time to write this even though I've never been in your precise shoes because as an observer of it, I am noticing a lot of the replies you are getting dont' seem to really "get it" and are kind of like all nike "just do it" but i'm sure it's more complicated than that because it's been really challenging to figure out why my mom did it all those years and still does it. It's like really really weird not to know what you like or want or how to just stand still and be like "this is what i want".
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
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    I have struggled and succeeded over exactly what you've described. I have overcome the 'people pleaser' side of me. The problem with people pleasing is that no two people are alike so you are constantly changing and adapting to please whomever you are with at the moment.

    I learned to love myself enough that I could establish my own standards and value system instead of always trying to conform to everyone else's. That opened the door for me to do this for myself and no one else. I love that my friends are inspired by me. I love that my husband can't keep his hands off of me. But most of all I love who I have become through this transformation!!

    My encouragement to you is to understand that you have value of your own accord, not because someone else says you do. You have value whether rich or poor, employed or unemployed, fat or skinny. Once you realize that it's much easier to love yourself and take those next steps.

    Oh my I love you :flowerforyou: this is so true.
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
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    I do believe that once I start seeing success, albeit a fairly good success, I'll be more motivated to do it for myself.

    Yes. I agree with this. You will have more self confidence, not just in "looking" better but because of a sense of accomplishment, and this should drive your motivations more than external ones will. I would encourage you to set goals other than just the scale, fitness goals. There may be times where the weight loss isn't going as fast as you'd like (well, actually it never goes as fast as I'd like, but I digress) so it is important to have other benchmarks, like running a 5k, or being able to do pushups, or -fill in the blank-.
  • darnice2013
    darnice2013 Posts: 8 Member
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    This is a great topic and one that inspires me to share a bit of my story, if I may so indulge. I decided at age 13 that I would fight the battle with the bulge and went on my first diet after a family member said to me, "You're getting fat like the rest of us". I counted calories and lost over 15# while my dad complained and fretted over me getting malnutrition.
    I maintained my ideal weight through high school and into college and then slowly started putting on a few extra pounds. I had to get a physical for a job I was starting and saw some random doctor (I didn't get sick so didn't have a regular doctor) who said on my form that I was "obese". He went by my weight which has always been on the high end of the charts, even though I don't look it. Still, I weighed more than I wanted.
    I got married and my husband was all about supporting me/wanting me to loose weight. It went well and I lost weight. He inspired me. I lost weight and was the thinnest I had ever been.. but it wasn't good enough for him... and he constantly complained and fretted over my weight. It had gotten so I was so thin that I wasn't eating right and my blood tests were showing malnutrition. At that point I told him I was not going to do it for him anymore and I would do what I thought was best for me as a whole.
    Turns out he was sick, sicker than I could have imagined and he died. After that I stopped caring and gained like never before. Totally lost control.. until I began to have a few health problems. At the same time, I noticed my mother also having increasingly more serious problems... all of which were brought on by her diet/lifestyle. It was then that I decided to 'do it for myself'. I did it because I love being able to walk around, take no medicine, have stamina and only need to see my doctor once a year for wellness checks. I saw my mother's great suffering with her illnesses and deterioration and I vowed to myself I would do all within my power to promote my own good health. So, "do it for yourself" does have meaning to me know, but it took time to get there.
    All the best and hang in there!
  • ron2e
    ron2e Posts: 606
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    What's difficult? You eat less than you burn and be totally honest with yourself. The weight comes off. That motivates you to carry on. Eventually people notice. That motivates you to carry on. And on. And on. You don't even have to exercise, the calories in versus calories out equation still works. Exercise just means you can eat more and you're making yourself more healthy into the bargain.

    It really is that easy. Instead of thinking how hard it is, start getting involved in the mechanics of it and see, actually, how easy it is. Let your calorie allowance drive what you eat, for example, feel like a donut? 450 calories, are you joking? Have a banana instead, only 90 or so calories. Walk up a flight of stairs instead of using the lift or escalator.

    This should not be about showing anyone how clever you are, this should be about being fed up of being fat and unhealthy.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    I have struggled and succeeded over exactly what you've described. I have overcome the 'people pleaser' side of me. The problem with people pleasing is that no two people are alike so you are constantly changing and adapting to please whomever you are with at the moment.

    I learned to love myself enough that I could establish my own standards and value system instead of always trying to conform to everyone else's. That opened the door for me to do this for myself and no one else. I love that my friends are inspired by me. I love that my husband can't keep his hands off of me. But most of all I love who I have become through this transformation!!

    My encouragement to you is to understand that you have value of your own accord, not because someone else says you do. You have value whether rich or poor, employed or unemployed, fat or skinny. Once you realize that it's much easier to love yourself and take those next steps.

    Oh my I love you :flowerforyou: this is so true.

    Yeah I really liked this one too. :flowerformymomherfavoritenotmine:
  • bert16
    bert16 Posts: 725 Member
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    Maybe it's just me, but it sounds like you *are* doing this for yourself. If I rephrase your stated objectives, you're doing this to prove:

    1) you're capable
    2) you're capable, even if it's hard
    3) you're worthy of respect and deserve to feel good about yourself.

    Doesn't seem like those are about him at all, as near as I can tell... and they're all true. And, even if you still think these are about him, they won't be once you've lost the weight.

    Best of luck to you!
  • NavyKnightAh13
    NavyKnightAh13 Posts: 1,394 Member
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    I still to this very day am still trying to figure out this question. Here is why: sometimes I feel like I deserve to be happy and fit and healthy etc but then there are other days where I feel that I don't deserve it.

    At the end of the day, i reflect and decide. At first when i started this I wanted it for me, now I am not so sure if I want it for me anymore but rather do it for my kiddo so that he doesn't end up motherless when he is 20 like i did. Granted he is only 18 months but before I had him I knew of nothing more then depression and eating.

    Now he is the main reason for a lot of things that I am doing including going back to college because I don't want for him to say "Mommy daddy has his degrees, why don't you? Are you not smart enough?"

    Do what works for you. If outside motivation is what helps, go for it. If not, don't get discouraged, just reflect and adjust where the motivation is coming from.
  • sasu27
    sasu27 Posts: 51
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    The only thing I can tell you is, I'm not necessarily doing this for me. Sure, I'm doing it because I'm unhealthy and I need to in order to get a job, but in reality my biggest motivators are other people. People who have talked down to me because I was fat, the guys who thought I should be happy that they just wanted a booty call with me since I was so repulsive and fat, the kids from school that made fun of me... you get the idea. I think that maybe as you go on, you will slowly find reasons to do it for yourself. No my reasons aren't the greatest reasons, but I look at it this way-Whatever gets me motivated.
  • RichardFL
    RichardFL Posts: 44
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    Show yourself instead of "him" that:
    1. You can do really hard things, and losing weight was just one of the really hard things you decided to do.
    2. You are one of the lucky ones. You can make what is hard appear easy to others. You make others jealous of what you can accomplish. And you know this because you were once on the other side.
    3. You've always deserved more, but now you know when you expect more you have the power to actually get more out of life.

    I do hope you learn not to rely on men for your self-worth. Men don't deserve that much power over who you are and how you feel.
  • qtgonewild
    qtgonewild Posts: 1,930 Member
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    maybe you should try codependents anonymous. Get some help for your co-dependency and then maybe you will be able to lose the weight for you.
  • sasu27
    sasu27 Posts: 51
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    What's difficult? You eat less than you burn and be totally honest with yourself. The weight comes off. That motivates you to carry on. Eventually people notice. That motivates you to carry on. And on. And on. You don't even have to exercise, the calories in versus calories out equation still works. Exercise just means you can eat more and you're making yourself more healthy into the bargain.

    It really is that easy. Instead of thinking how hard it is, start getting involved in the mechanics of it and see, actually, how easy it is. Let your calorie allowance drive what you eat, for example, feel like a donut? 450 calories, are you joking? Have a banana instead, only 90 or so calories. Walk up a flight of stairs instead of using the lift or escalator.

    This should not be about showing anyone how clever you are, this should be about being fed up of being fat and unhealthy.

    You're right it's not difficult. Recently since I gained all my weight back, I have been saying how I wished I could just lose the weight, but it's so hard. Then one day, I had the realization that no it's not hard. You either do it or you don't. You either stuff your face with a whole pizza (like I can do), eat a piece or 2 in moderation and still enjoy it, or you don't eat it. Really, unless you are facing a health issue, weight loss is not as hard as we all like to make it out to be. It comes down to determination-how bad do you want it and the simple thought of eat less move more. I am certainly not belittling anyone's efforts-I weigh 300 lbs-clearly I don't have it down, but looking at it from a new perspective is helping me.
  • _HeartsOnFire_
    _HeartsOnFire_ Posts: 5,304 Member
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    Your goals and motivations can and do change. If this is the reason that is working for you now, great! But don't be surprised if somewhere down the road you realize you are doing it for you. And at that point, there won't be any stopping you.

    I agree with this. No matter what your reasons, you just have to decide to do it. Period. That's it. Make the decision and do it.
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
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    I'll admit to that in the beginning, a piece of my motivation was to show someone off. When I told my brother that I planned on rejoining WW, he rolled his eyes and said "here we go again". I was hurt and pissed off by that. He had a point, I had tried many diets and failed but it still sucked that he didn't have confidence in me or couldn't put the past behind and just be encouraging. But I turned that hurt and mad into motivation and it got me through a few points in the first six months or so when I'd normally have slacked off or even given up.

    As someone else said, your motivations and methods will change as you go along anyway. If this works for you now, who's to argue with that?! Maybe six months from now when you're feeling more confident, you'll realize it's all about you and his opinion doesn't mean crap anymore.
  • EatClean_WashUrNuts
    EatClean_WashUrNuts Posts: 1,590 Member
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    Truthfully

    YOU DONT WANT IT
  • kenyainez
    kenyainez Posts: 222 Member
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    I wouldn't say your way of thinking is wrong, but keep this in mind - if he's still not impressed when you lose the weight, are you going to think this was for nothing? Or, are you going to flip him off and realize that your well-being is more important than his opinion? I'm just saying that people don't want to be wrong, and you don't want to base this effort on something that may never happen (i.e. him being impressed).

    This. I've seen people just quit because they lost a lot of weight and people around them refused to notice or compliment them. If you do it because you're expecting someone to react favorably, you might want to look for other reasons.

    I agree with all the aforementioned here. Sure it may work for right now, but you may be setting yourself up for a bigger let down than you can bargain for. I remember watching a weightloss show on MTV and the girl did it to impress some guy or hope he'd like her. Not only was he not impressed, but he told her to go back and lose more. Dig deep within yourself and find that YOU are worth this hard work, this trouble, and this sacrifice. It shouldn't be for some guy, some dress, some class reunion, some vacation, or some other event; but for you, your health, your betterness, and your increasing your chances of living a healthier life.
  • MoJoPoe
    MoJoPoe Posts: 139 Member
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    Anytime my husband told me I could NOT do something, it fueled me up to prove him wrong.... time and time again!


    Then again.... we are divorced now. :laugh:
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
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    Truthfully

    YOU DONT WANT IT
    I've said that over and over, and over again.....
    And then I get mad, really really pissed and I say I do, and I do really good, and I think man I'm getting the hang of it, and then it's gone, like a puff of dust, I still want it, I want it like hell, ... but not enough,

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