thrown out the house for overeating
joselo2
Posts: 461
OK, just wanted to get this off my chest.
i have been dieting for some time, started off at 29stone (bout 400lbs) then lost 61lbs. the first 40 or so came in the first few months but then it really slowed and i admit I have found it harder of lat and yoyoed up and down abit.
i used to live with my sister when i was a teenager (i am now 21) and I really struggled with my weight back then also, which caused lots of argument. Since I left home I felt our relationship had improved.
However, I visited today and was planning to stay the night, as i quite often do. i ate my meal, which she had cooked, then after helped clean the kitchen and ate some left overs. bout 45minutes later I ate about half a packet of biscuits. OK, maybe not healthy but not like a huge binge. My sister then said it was time for me to go home, and I said I thought I was staying. She basically said I was NOT welcome in her home if I 'overeat', because it causes her too much worry. She started saying how her life is constant worry about me, so much, and she even got annoyed and said i dont care about her feelings (which I do!). Basically, we had a big argument, where hurtful things was said.
I called her later and we agreed we love each other a lot, but she also said still i can only come if not overeating. (her view of overeating seem different to mine). I still feel shocked though. I didn't know I hurt her so much. I feel angry at her but also myself. I don't know... I thought she was ok, after all, I lost weight.
I don't know what to do.
i have been dieting for some time, started off at 29stone (bout 400lbs) then lost 61lbs. the first 40 or so came in the first few months but then it really slowed and i admit I have found it harder of lat and yoyoed up and down abit.
i used to live with my sister when i was a teenager (i am now 21) and I really struggled with my weight back then also, which caused lots of argument. Since I left home I felt our relationship had improved.
However, I visited today and was planning to stay the night, as i quite often do. i ate my meal, which she had cooked, then after helped clean the kitchen and ate some left overs. bout 45minutes later I ate about half a packet of biscuits. OK, maybe not healthy but not like a huge binge. My sister then said it was time for me to go home, and I said I thought I was staying. She basically said I was NOT welcome in her home if I 'overeat', because it causes her too much worry. She started saying how her life is constant worry about me, so much, and she even got annoyed and said i dont care about her feelings (which I do!). Basically, we had a big argument, where hurtful things was said.
I called her later and we agreed we love each other a lot, but she also said still i can only come if not overeating. (her view of overeating seem different to mine). I still feel shocked though. I didn't know I hurt her so much. I feel angry at her but also myself. I don't know... I thought she was ok, after all, I lost weight.
I don't know what to do.
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sorry to hear you went through that, and also congrats on your weight loss. Keep it up!
about your sister, I think she's trying to use her way to motivate you. it's better than those family who doesn't care about your health, and stuff junk food in your face, right? Maybe there is a better way for her to deliver her worries, but meanwhile, just take it as a motivation and support to your weight loss, and keep going on the right track!0 -
She's probably worried about your health, and that you'll gain all the weight back or something, and it stresses her out.
What you ate doesn't necessarily seem excessive though, considering the calories you must burn every day (I have no idea what you had for dinner or the kind of biscuits you had), but yeah, it seems a lot compared to what a normal weight person eats, so it probably makes her freak out... but in the end it's because she cares about you and is worried about you.0 -
People get to set their own boundaries. I wouldn't allow my sister to be in my home if she was engaging in addictive behavior that has in the past caused her problems and caused worry for the people who love her.
Not sure if this is your sister's reason, but it seems analogous. And you may not think how much you ate was a big deal. But for whatever reason it sounds like she did and she didn't want to be party to it.
It may be that she doesn't fathom how far down the road to healthy you are. It usually takes a longish period of sustained behavior change before the people who had to ride our drama roller coasters notice it is different. That's just how it wlorks. Good for you for changing things. Keep it up. You get to set your own boundaries and making the right choices for you whether or not someone else gives you credit is a great place to start.0 -
I don't see much excess in what you were eating, but even if you'd eaten 3 packets of biscuits, it's hardly her place to be so rude and hurtful about it.
She needs to understand that a simple mention might've been less dramatic and hurtful. Had she said something like "Those biscuits are lovely, but a bit rich" might've been hint enough to express her worry about your eating.
At the same time, I understand her worry for you. But being hurtful is not the way to go, from either end. You are an adult and it's not her place to decide what you are/are not allowed to eat. Might be time to avoid the sleepovers until she realizes that. It's counterproductive to have someone "monitoring" your diet who has a skewed view of what's too much. Set your eating limits, and stick to them, but don't let someone else tell you that you're still eating too much. You need a certain number of cals to be successful, whether they like/realize that.0 -
I'm not sure what a half a packet of biscuits means. Like Pillsbury? Or are biscuits like cookies? Not knowing that makes it hard to form an opinion on whether or not you overate (in terms of politeness or enough to cause her stress).
I don't think it's fair to be mad at your sister. I get being mad at the situation but not at her. Maybe she has bad anxiety and your overeating is a trigger for her. Maybe she's strapped for cash and feels like you raid her food. Maybe she's worried about your health and feels like every time she sees you "overeat" it tells her that you're not doing anything about it (even if you are). Whatever her reasons, they're hers, and it's her home. My BIL is an alcoholic. I like to drink wine with holiday dinners, but if he's hosting, I don't drink wine, b/c he doesn't want wine or drinking in his home. My husband's (now deceased) grandmother thought that drinking alcohol was a sin, so I didn't bring wine to her home. In my home, I do what I want and if they don't like it, they don't have to be here.
Maybe try talking to your sister once the dust has settled. You don't want to be stressed every time you visit her, and she shouldn't be either. You're an adult and don't need to answer to her about what you eat, but at the same time, it's impolite to overindulge in someone else's home. Obviously there are exceptions and differently families have a different dynamic. You two need to find yours. Good luck.0 -
Yeah. I know it was a place of caring. at first i thought it was blunt, rude and also unreasoanble. but i guess i can see i caused her hurt which either way is not good. i suppose part of me thought i didnt eat that much (the biscuits were like, cookies), and part of me also thought, she knows me, knows my eating habits and if she invites me here she has to know my eating habits arent exactly left at the door. but also i understand her house, her rules. i guess it is hard to think that i am hurting my sister so bad. i feel awful about that. I don't see how a few biscuits bothers her so much but so it is. I need to havea think bout how we can both meet again and how to cope.0
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Yeah. I know it was a place of caring. at first i thought it was blunt, rude and also unreasoanble. but i guess i can see i caused her hurt which either way is not good. i suppose part of me thought i didnt eat that much (the biscuits were like, cookies), and part of me also thought, she knows me, knows my eating habits and if she invites me here she has to know my eating habits arent exactly left at the door. but also i understand her house, her rules. i guess it is hard to think that i am hurting my sister so bad. i feel awful about that. I don't see how a few biscuits bothers her so much but so it is. I need to havea think bout how we can both meet again and how to cope.
Oh my God thank you soooo much for responding so maturely. That doesn't always happen, OP, Yay you.
Good luck.0 -
I remember getting in so many arguments with my parents when I weighed 135 kg (85 kg now) they were worried about me but everytime they brought up my weight and how worried they were, I thought they were having a go at me and picking on me. Your sister is just concerned and loves you. You'll get there with her and everyone elses support.0
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Yeah. I know it was a place of caring. at first i thought it was blunt, rude and also unreasoanble. but i guess i can see i caused her hurt which either way is not good. i suppose part of me thought i didnt eat that much (the biscuits were like, cookies), and part of me also thought, she knows me, knows my eating habits and if she invites me here she has to know my eating habits arent exactly left at the door. but also i understand her house, her rules. i guess it is hard to think that i am hurting my sister so bad. i feel awful about that. I don't see how a few biscuits bothers her so much but so it is. I need to havea think bout how we can both meet again and how to cope.
Oh my God thank you soooo much for responding so maturely. That doesn't always happen, OP, Yay you.
Good luck.
I know, right? Maturity and keeping a level head is so overrated on these forums, this is a breath of fresh air.
OP: Sleep on it a night, and I can guarantee both you and your sister will be in a better place to talk this out. She's probably terrified of your weight causing you major health issues, and she just doesn't really know how to say it. That's what I took from this, at least. Good luck, and keep fighting the good fight to kick obesity's butt and get healthier! :flowerforyou:0 -
Have you explained to your sister that you are using MFP, and how you track your calories and exercise so you, then she, know you are staying on track? ARE you tracking, as well as measuring or weighing your food? I'm asking because of you are, you can show your sister you are aware off what you eat because you log it. On the other hand, if you are just estimating what you eat, maybe you aren't fully aware of how much the little bits and bites can add up, and your sister may have cause to be concerned. I'm not justifying her actions, but sometimes these incidents can help open our eyes to ways we can improve.
Congrats on your weight loss. You've come a long way! I'm excited to see your continued progress!0 -
She sounds like my mom. One of those people who make your problems about them. "I'm just so sick from worrying about you."0
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Your sister could probably have handled the situation differently - like not sent you home tonight but said that if you continue to overeat you can't stay in the future.
So you had dinner, then had some leftovers, then had cookies (since you originally measured your weight in stone I assume you're also using biscuit for cookie?) I admit I don't know what your total caloric intake was but that does seem like a lot to eat in a short amount of time. I suppose your sister watched this and ached for you. Granted, she may not know everything about your weight loss journey, but it sounds like she's trying to show you some tough love to motivate you.0 -
Yeah she reckons I need to get back on the wagon a bit more... she isprobably right there.
Ha ha, I have never been called mature before, usually people think i am a drama queen, and it is true lol! But am a good guy too, I was hurt but also my sister was, and I don't want my sister hurt so I need to reflect on what happened,and actually what I did and thats why I posted here.
Thanks mfp people because half the time posting here it is not mature also... whole load of people want to tell you how you are wrong and awful and I was half expecting everyone to come and tell me how awful I am. thanks for the calm and helpful response!0 -
She is trying to set a boundary so that she can keep you in her life without enabling your binge eating, but she is struggling with how to do it. What you need to do is have a conversation where she explicitly names behaviors that she is not comfortable having you do in her presence, and then when you hear her boundary, decide whether her company is worth it to you to respect her boundary. If so, respect it. If not, don't spend time with her.
Half a pack of cookies (that's American for biscuits, right?) shortly after dinner is not normal unless you're talking about a single- or double-serving sized pack. It might not be a binge, but it's more than most people would eat.0 -
part of me though feel like how come she never there any more asking me about or helping me, like she don't care that i am suffering with it alone she only cares when its in her house affecting her. so why am i the only selfish 1? am probably being unreasonable, just something i felt.
i guess thats the size of it allison lyne. you are right. yeah i mean biscuits in the english sense, i am english also. in fact it was chocolate hobnobs0 -
I'm sorry that someone who is supposed to care about you chose to "care" about you with this behaviour.
Definitely not a caring behaviour. 0 -
part of me though feel like how come she never there any more asking me about or helping me, like she don't care that i am suffering with it alone she only cares when its in her house affecting her. so why am i the only selfish 1? am probably being unreasonable, just something i felt.
i guess thats the size of it allison lyne. you are right. yeah i mean biscuits in the english sense, i am english also. in fact it was chocolate hobnobs
Does she know that you feel like you're suffering alone? Are there specific things that you can ask her to do to support you? This can probably be solved with more communication.0 -
I think when things calm down some you can talk to her more and tell her how you feel and that you'd like her support. It probably upset her as she is worried about your health and afraid you won't continue.
Was all that you ate while at her house on your MFP plan for the day?
In all honesty, eating dinner and then eating the leftovers and a half packet of biscuits is a binge.
Eating dinner and then 1 or 2 biscuits for dessert would be appropriate.
Do you have anyone to help you with this like a doctor or nutritionist?0 -
i think we both need to acknowlege things- me that it hurts her, and her that it hurts me.
i suppose i never considered what i ate to be particularly ecessive (I can eat SO much more than that), hence i was so shocked at her reaction i guess0 -
At some point your loved ones have to accept that it is your body, not theirs, and they are not able to dictate what you should do with it.
Worry and/or concern is no excuse for demanding your body look or act in a certain way when you are in their line of sight.
If the relationship is otherwise good, definitely sleep on it and return for a good talk. If it is not, a long look at what boundaries you might set up would be a good idea.0 -
I agree. It sounds like your sister is trying to set healthy boundaries where she's limiting the amount of constant worry and stress that have the potential to be a toxic part of her life.
But I also think that you also have to have healthy boundaries with your sister. Part of love is acceptance. Part of having a healthy relationship is going through life's ups and downs together. I think it's important for you to tell your sister that you're on a journey to get fit. That you have good days and bad days and there are days that you fall off the wagon. But the next day you get back on. I'm NOT okay with her kicking you out based on how the meal goes.
If it were me, I would do "family time" at someplace neutral where there's no test at the end. A park, a restaurant. something where you can spend some time together; but then it's very natural to go your separate ways. Takes the burden of expectations and approval off of everyone.0 -
OK, I am certain you love each other, but here is my experience with my own brother. I hope this might give you a different perspective on things. I am NOT JUDGING.
First of all, neither my brother nor me are fit and trim and this point, so I am not judging him for how much he eats.
The only thing is, when he visits, he EATS ME OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME! He is a tall hungry guy and every time he visits I am SHOCKED at the amount of groceries this guy can put away.
My husband is bigger and way more muscular than my bro, and God love my brother but even my hubby was amazed at all the food he ate while visiting.
I don't know if that was the issue or not. I know when I cook, I always have extra afterwards to take to work as my lunch for the next day or two. I guess, just be sensitive of how much of her food you are consuming and offer to bring in groceries if you plan to eat 2-3 meals in one evening.
The end.0 -
I know from my life, (I'm the big sister) my little sister still to this day causes me a lot of stress. It sounds like she's the older sister, and that she raised you, much like the boat I was in while my mom was deployed. As the older sibling, there is naturally a lot of pressure put on you to watch and take care of the younger ones. In my situation it was taken a bit farther where I had to fill in as the mother role for a while. Once you get into that role, even if you are no longer required to be in that position, you can't just switch it off. It changes your relationship forever.
From what you describe it sounds like this is an issue that affected you while you were living with her in the past. It also sounds like an argument that my sister and I have had over and over again, not about food and eating habits, but other life choices. It could be that she feels like she's tried everything in her power to help you, and to educate you, and to give you the support you need to change the habit, and when she sees you doing the same exact things that you used to do it causes her to go crazy. I know with my sister I have had to step back a number of times because she's a grown woman and can make her own choices. I still stress over it.... A LOT. And I take everything to heart, and I take it personally, and I cry about it, and I yell about it, because you care and you can see the mistakes that they're making and you don't want them to get hurt.
Since you've been so mature about all the other posts I would venture that maybe you could sit down with her and ask her what really makes her so stressed out about it. Don't let it escalate into an argument, but say I want to know what it is that you're most worried about. And then you can show her all the changes that you HAVE made, and tell her about the plans that you have to reach your goals and how to get there.
As a big sister with a big heart and a protective nature, I would find it so helpful if mine would just do that for me. And we have on some subjects. And others we have just had to agree to disagree and leave it at that. You could also ask her if there are certain things that she wish you wouldn't do at her house so you can keep them in mind the next time you visit.0 -
A different view : Again I'm not sure what a packet of biscuits is in relation to your story or how many of them it was. But she may have been as distressed about the money you are eating as your health. If she is on a budget a "binge" for you , might be a few days of groceries for her..and in these times that could be an additional stresser on her and explain her reaction...just thinking0
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Thanks for all your helps. still feeling messed up today and don't know what to do. i text my sister saying i don't know what we can do, i didnt answer when she called though. tough times.0
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I think your sister is desperately wanting you to be in control of your food and your health because she doesn't want to lose you too young to a weight related illness. You are the only one in the world who can decide you are going to limit your calories and get your weight to a safe zone, but your sister can decide she can't watch the person she loves eat more than is healthy, because it hurts her, and angers her, and probably seems selfish to her. I won't allow my sister in my home if she is drinking, she has to manage her addiction while around me because I can't bear it. If my sister is coming over I will not have any alcohol where she can access it (and I own a bar, have a ton ton ton of booze!). If you were coming over w/a huge issue with food, I wouldn't have a single biscuit in my house, I'd portion out your dinner serving, and that would be it. I'd probably even throw away any leftovers that might tempt you. I'd think in my head, at least I had her calories correct today. I'd also want to go on a long walk together, to talk and move and enjoy knowing we were doing something healthy together. Talk to her about how to support you, so that you can spend time sharing your lives. She obviously loves you very much.0
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I feel for you. Please call her. I don't think what she did is right - I'm assuming that she's not perfect - we all have something to work on, and we shouldn't throw stones through our glass houses. Normally, the reason I get upset when someone mentions ANYTHING to do with my weight it's because I feel guilty. Right or not, you love your sister and she loves you. What if something happened to her right now? Make amends, tell her you love her, and make today the best day ever! :flowerforyou:0
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I also think you're handling a tough situation with maturity and grace. Good for you. I understand where your sister is coming from and I think she has the right to establish boundaries in her own home. It was probably VERY difficult for her to say that to you, but I actually think it is emotionally healthy that she did it. Your struggles with your weight obviously affect her, and she probably feels partially responsible since you were with her as a teenager, like she should have been able to do more to prevent the morbid obesity. Now she's setting up boundaries similar to the family of an alcoholic would, I wouldn't be surprised if she's participated in and gotten advice from a support group for families of overeaters, whatever the equivalent to al-anon would be.0
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I think in a - not so helpful way - she is trying to help. It is hard to stay motivated and sometimes familiar places (my parent's house for me) can make me want to overeat just because I guess I always have when I was there and maybe you felt the same way, but she is trying to stop that cycle, cause she loves you and cares about you. The first thing I do when I go to my parent's is open the fridge. Why? I still don't know why I do that, then I move to the pantry. Anyway, I also have a larger than life bro, who is my 2nd favorite person in the whole wide world (my daughter is first, lol), and he just turned 50. I want him to turn 90 with me. I actually never say anything about his weight because he knows and there's nothing I can say or do, but I am scared he is going to die younger than he should and I don't want him too, I would be devastated. Maybe your sister is terrified of losing her brother, like I am and she's actually trying to keep you around longer even though it didn't seem that way. Just a thought.0
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