Hello... new person...

Hi, my name is Jess.

I have had this app on my phone now for about 2 weeks or so, and only now just realized there was a website and a community, blogs, etc. Totally missed that, until I noticed it updating or syncing and I was like, "what are you syncing to?" And then saw the small note on the bottom listing the website address.

I am 29 years old and I am 5 feet 1-2 inches and weight about 269-273 depending on what scale I use in the isle at Walmart... so yeah, not really sure, need to get my own but I was laid off actually just about when I started this journey to try and get better... let me tell you it was depressing and it almost made me give up before I even started. But I didn't, I still haven't but it is very hard trying to stay positive, workout, eat better, when you feel like crap, stressed about finding another job, and have classes that start in a week.

I have tried before and have always failed. I am afraid at failing again or at not seeing any results and becoming discouraged. I also have about no support. It's as if everyone is waiting for me to give up. My sister and even my niece and nephews mock me. I am not really sure what I am doing, what's right, what is wrong in trying to get better.

I walk every night (unless its raining or storming, which don't happen often but its monsoon season where I am now so...). I walk about 2 miles or 40-50 minutes which usually equals about 1.85-2.20 miles depending. I bought a watch that tells me my heart rate manually, so I usually am walking at about a 135 heart rate, sometimes between 121-146. Depends on speed and my energy level that day. I also have a XBOX Kinect and I have been using the video game You Shape Fitness 2012. Again I have no idea what I am doing, and usually just do what I like. Mostly what is in the Warm Up section and the Cardio section.

I started to try and lose weight again to try and help me get better, to try and focus on me. Also a bit because I'm just tired of being me. Tired of not liking who I am, and not being able to believe anyone who says something nice about me. I mean if I don't like how I look, how can anyone else possibly? When you can't believe someone saying something nice about you, it really hurts, because you want to believe it but you don't because you can't believe it yourself. I'm tired of hating what I see in the mirror, or being the fat one.

I can't even wear the girl shirts they sell at my University, to show my school pride, or anything because I don't even fit in the girls largest shirts. Sure I could wear a big guys shirt, but they are not the same. It may seem silly, but its simple things like that, that really bother me. I go to a University that has a party rep, a rep for having 'hot' girls, and knowing I am not one of them, sucks. Wondering if people judge me, because I judge myself, or sitting in a desk that is small and hurts but I don't want to say anything because its embarrassing.

I'm trying really hard, and doing more than I have the other times I've tried. I just have a lot of things going on right now, losing my job, school starting again, bills racking up because I lost my job, and not having any support. Plus the one person who might have given me support had to go away just before I started, and that really sucked.

I've always felt alone, and I am doing this alone. Not sure what I am doing, what I should be doing. I don't have a gym membership because I can't afford one. I will be able to go to the school's gym, but again... I just feel so bad about myself, I find it hard to make myself go in there, full of those 'hot girls' my school has a rep for.

Maybe I can try and log on to this site more often, and see, learn, I don't know.