Feeling really Down

I am feeling a large amount of conflicting emotions right now. I guess I should explain what is going on, and maybe some of you will have some insights, maybe from personal experience.

I wanted to see my doctor about possibly getting gastric bypass, after for the last 10 years struggling with my weight, and after a minor amount of weight loss I would end up gaining back more, ultimately leading to me becoming over 300lbs. My husband came with me to approach our doctor and she looked at him and said it was a good idea for him, and when I said I was the one we were really talking about, it felt like a "Yeah the would be good for you too" sort of response. So I know I am being silly, and feeling brushed aside, but even at over 300lbs I was not as overweight as my husband, so I can see why she would think we were talking about him, and not me.

Anyway, she gave us information and we both went to the gastric clinic that specializes in the gastric bypass surgery. After 2 months of going, we found out he can have the surgery but I had to have 6 months of medically supervised dieting to try and lose the weight myself first. That was hard for me to hear, but it was because I don't have any other health problems and my husband does (diabetes, sleep apnea, etc...). I ended up losing 50lbs, and was within 15 lbs of not even qualifying for the surgery anymore because my BMI would be too low for my INS to pay for it. So aside from that and me realizing I couldn't afford to pay for the visits to the clinic for both of us, I just stopped even trying.

Lets fast forward a little bit. My husband just had the surgery. He lost about 60lbs prior to getting the surgery, so he already looks way better than he did. I had a hard time dealing with him complaining from the pain of the surgery, part of me didn't want to see him hurting and I didn't like feeling helpless to help him feel better. The bad part of me didn't care, he knew what he was getting into, he knew it would not be easy, and he chose to do this (and even deeper I felt like he stole this from me). That is the part that makes me feel so guilty and bad.

But now only three days after, he is home from the hospital, and still complaining, I feel like I have had to be a total ***** to him to make him move like he needs to so he doesn't get pneumonia (because he has been running a fever off and on because he is not getting his lungs to expand enough because he wasn't moving around enough). And I have to go back to work, and leave him to care for our youngest two... That is the hardest part because I am not sure I can trust him to even care for himself right...

Now to the worst part of it all. I have had years of small successes followed by major backslides. I am so scared he is going to lose tons of weight during this year (and even heavy women were always all over him) and I am (worse than just not loosing any more weight) going to gain everything back and then some, and at that point he won't want to be with me anymore. Mostly because I think he will see me as the failure I have constantly been. He keeps trying to assure me that won't happen, but he can't promise me that because he has never been in the situation he is moving into. My late husband had abdominal surgery because he had diverticulitis, and because of the amount of bowel they removed, he was never again heavy, but he was older, and not nearly as suave and handsome as my current husband, so I never had these fears with him.

So now not only can I not even get the surgery if I wanted to, I am going to help him succeed where I have constantly failed, or he could die (worst case, but most likely just feel really crappy a lot of the time). I can't believe I am having such a hard time dealing with this emotionally. I am feeling sometimes that I would rather be dead than stay this heavy. I have been told I was fat my whole life, even though I look back and I really wasn't. I have never been skinny, but I have never found "skinny" to be very attractive. I just know he is likely to lose roughly 150 lbs in just a year, and I have 120 lbs to lose if I want to be considered "healthy weight", and I have no hope of reaching that in one year. I'll be lucky to lose another 50 by the time another year rolls around. My biggest fear is that he will weigh less than me, by the time this year is over, and at me being 5'5" and him being 6'3" I will once again be that fat wife with the healthy looking husband.

Sorry for such a long rant. I just feel cheated, and hurt. I have worked hard, and tried hard, and instead of the reward, I am denied. He purposely sabotaged his weight loss, didn't exercise so he wouldn't lose too much weight and he was rewarded with the surgical guarantee that he will be thin (I know he has to follow their instructions, but it will be so much easier for him than it is for me now).

OK, I am done. I promise....