Negativity and Put downs by friends and family
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I suffered with the same problem from my mom. The hardest part is accepting that parents are human and sometimes flawed or emotionally stunted. I had to learn to keep my distance and stop looking to them to meet certain emotional needs that parents were supposed to fulfill. There comes a time when you have to learn to parent yourself. It sucks but that's life. Take some time to mourn your messed up childhood and then move on.
For the record, you are doing awesome and should be proud of yourself. If others can't celebrate with you they are missing out.
As for the friend, try to brush it off. Everyone has their insecurities and sometimes others success brings them to light. Just focus on getting yourself where you want to be and then you will be better prepared to help others.0 -
Wow, that's a lot of complaining... I hope it's just pms... Those are very little things you're complaining about. Stop complaining and just appreciate what you have.
Look at the big picture - you're healthy, young, you've got a family and a place to live. You live in a peaceful country. You can afford food, house and clothes. Believe me, that's a LOT.
Regarding your friend - I don't understand why you give a **** about her. Next time she says anything just cut her down like beaaaaaatch, shut up, I've lost 20 pounds and you're still fat, get lost. That's it
Regarding your mom - she's your mom. Appreciate her while she's still there. She gave you life and she loves you. You might get upset sometimes with her but she's still your mom. I know my parents are always harsh on my weight gain, they're used to me being sexy and slim, but I know it comes from a good heart. Just get your own place, that's it.
I disagree completely. I'm just going to hypothesize that you are lucky enough to have a nice or stable family in order to say so.
The OP is 27 and not 17, on some rebellious streak thinking parents are know-it-all's. My bf's mother fits the same description. She controls everyone around her, puts people down, disrupt their lives. Everything is about her, her health problems, this, that - she is not working and living of her husbands accumulated money- and she thinks that everything she has bought for my bf (her only son) ultimately belongs to her, even though it's things like his bedroom furniture. My bf suffered and still suffers severely from the 27-odd years of bullying. I don't want to disclose to much detail, but I can tell you that he has reduced contact to his mother to a phone-call in a month, if at all. It sounds like the OP's sister is basically in a similar spot.
Not all mothers are created equal, nor should they be treated as such. If your mother has not mentally developed past the age of 5, there is imho no ground for the children to "suck it up". Yes you can demonize her or judge her which isn't making things better, but the OP (and her sister!) have to think about protecting themselves. Emotionally. I understand people have views that family is sacred, but I personally beg to differ.
To the OP: My my... good luck trying to move out!
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Wow, that's a lot of complaining... I hope it's just pms... Those are very little things you're complaining about. Stop complaining and just appreciate what you have.
Look at the big picture - you're healthy, young, you've got a family and a place to live. You live in a peaceful country. You can afford food, house and clothes. Believe me, that's a LOT.
Regarding your friend - I don't understand why you give a **** about her. Next time she says anything just cut her down like beaaaaaatch, shut up, I've lost 20 pounds and you're still fat, get lost. That's it
Regarding your mom - she's your mom. Appreciate her while she's still there. She gave you life and she loves you. You might get upset sometimes with her but she's still your mom. I know my parents are always harsh on my weight gain, they're used to me being sexy and slim, but I know it comes from a good heart. Just get your own place, that's it.
From Wikipedia: "Malignant narcissism has been described as "an extreme form of antisocial personality disorder combined with narcissistic elements that is manifested in a person who is pathologically grandiose, lacking in conscience and behavioral regulation, and with characteristic demonstrations of joyful cruelty and sadism."
Living with someone with a mental illness can be debilitating. In this case, it sounds downright impossible. This isn't just a case of "oh, my mom is getting on my nerves, boohoo." I realize you're from Afghanistan and your country has suffered horribly and I'm sure you've had your share of personal family issues, but don't belittle someone else's life. You don't know anything about the OP and her situation except what she's posted in a moment of anger and frustration, in a virtual place that is supposedly supportive. Lighten up.0 -
Best thing I ever did for my relationship with my parents was to cut off most contact for a year. After that we settled into adult-adult relationship. My mom isn't narcissist, she's bipolar, and she was able to get her meds figured out during the cut-back time.
Obviously that doesn't help you right now, as you don't have money to move out and your sister won't do what she needs to evict mother and dogs. You say the dogs have caused trouble with the landlord, would the landlord be willing to do the dirty work and evict your mom? Just a thought. You and your sister were raised in an unhealthy environment and are now trapping yourselves in that environment again. People with fantastic parents don't understand the hel* you are going through. I reach out to you with a hug, and would go on a run tonight with you if I could
As for your "friend" I'd be tempted to just say "Jealous much?" next time she talks about you losing weight while eating burritos.0 -
Jealousy at its finest! Those people have no self control and think you should not either. Keep it up!0
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I don't know why people continue thinking that they have to maintain friendships and relationships with people like this. It sounds like your "friend" is a person who cannot follow through with anything and is jealous that you are continuing to have success and showing dedication. Either she'll come back around or she won't. You are better off without someone throwing negativity at you anyways.
As far as your mother goes, there is no unwritten rule that you have to maintain contact with her just because she gave you life. I know it is hard right now because you are in the same household, but that doesn't mean you have to speak to her outside of just being polite. Focus on keeping up the good work and don't speak to her about what you eat or do. If she brings it up, leave the room. The other thing you should focus on is getting your own place or maybe a roommate to move in with. It doesn't sound like your sister is going to give your mom the boot anytime soon or maybe ever. Good luck to you.0 -
I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this. It definitely makes it harder.
Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to give other than to keep on keeping on and try and ignore them. Between your real friends and this community you can get a lot of support.
Congrats on your loss so far!0 -
this is sooo true! that's all it is.One word for you: jealousy
People are very negative when they see you doing the things they should be doing too, they feel threatened by it, like you're showing them up. Rise above it, ignore them, know you're doing AWESOME!0 -
Wow, that's a lot of complaining... I hope it's just pms... Those are very little things you're complaining about. Stop complaining and just appreciate what you have.
Look at the big picture - you're healthy, young, you've got a family and a place to live. You live in a peaceful country. You can afford food, house and clothes. Believe me, that's a LOT.
Regarding your friend - I don't understand why you give a **** about her. Next time she says anything just cut her down like beaaaaaatch, shut up, I've lost 20 pounds and you're still fat, get lost. That's it
Regarding your mom - she's your mom. Appreciate her while she's still there. She gave you life and she loves you. You might get upset sometimes with her but she's still your mom. I know my parents are always harsh on my weight gain, they're used to me being sexy and slim, but I know it comes from a good heart. Just get your own place, that's it.
From Wikipedia: "Malignant narcissism has been described as "an extreme form of antisocial personality disorder combined with narcissistic elements that is manifested in a person who is pathologically grandiose, lacking in conscience and behavioral regulation, and with characteristic demonstrations of joyful cruelty and sadism."
Living with someone with a mental illness can be debilitating. In this case, it sounds downright impossible. This isn't just a case of "oh, my mom is getting on my nerves, boohoo." I realize you're from Afghanistan and your country has suffered horribly and I'm sure you've had your share of personal family issues, but don't belittle someone else's life. You don't know anything about the OP and her situation except what she's posted in a moment of anger and frustration, in a virtual place that is supposedly supportive. Lighten up.
I should lighten up?! Seriously?
I think the OP should lighten up and stop *****ing about stuff that doesn't matter much in life. Ok, so some friend isn't supportive on her weightloss... Why should she care so much what that friend has to say? It's a waste of her energy and time, and emotions to focus so much on something that has so little meaning in life.
I'd understand if I read it from a 17 years old girl but OP is 27 and its time to grow up already. People will always try to put her down, personally or professionally. It's life. And paying too much attention to these kind of people is not the best idea. It just feeds their hunger for conflict.
Regarding my family, yes I'm BLESSED with having an amazing family. But we do had and have our share of personality clushes, if I put it mildly. That's why I live separately, as a grown up.
Yeah, it cold be cultural differences but I don't understand when I read suggestions like "don't talk to your mother" and etc. she gave life to the OP, she loves her as a piece of herself, it's the ancient motherly instinct. They just need to live in separate homes as most grown ups do.0 -
Sounds like she really never was your friend just a co worker you hanged out with... Drop her and just remember it is all jealousy.
After you move out my advise would be cut your mother out of your life. I know it sound harsh but she is destructive. Let her know you love to have her in your life after she gets help.. As for diet soda and sugar free foods they are bad for you. They add more unhealthy stuff to replace the sugar. So your sprite is healthier than her diet soda. That sweet in low stuff tricks your body into thinking you got sugar and makes you crave more sugar. So you have a nice treat for the day lets say a 1/2 cup of ice cream. I love ice cream..lol After your taste buds get use to the sweeter stuff that ice cream you loved so much will taste nasty unless it has more sugar and more sugar... SAY NO TO ALL THAT SUGAR FREE STUFF.
Keep up with what you are doing.. Remember you do not need them to support you. This is for you and not for them.. Try looking for a workout buddy that you can talk to.. Hope things get better...0 -
Narcissistic people are unable to love other people as themselves. Not everyone has a motherly instinct. Harsh but true.
It's terribly confusing for someone who grew up in a bitter environment to come out of it and realize that it wasn't normal. The mixture of feelings is painful; love for someone spiteful, hate for what they were put through, confusion for "Why would a person do that?" and the realization that someone preached as a hero was manipulative and unkind. Throw in a little jealousy for the normal kids, desire for a mom who showed up at PTA and didn't scream at anybody, realization that your parents could have set you up for independency (credit limits etc) as an adult and chose not to, and the pain for all the birthdays your mom didn't call you on your birthday, and you've got a nice big ball of love-interlaced-pain that makes a psychiatrist see dollar bills when you walk in.
To have dealt with those emotions at a distance, then suddenly be put into that situation of control by their negative influence again, has got to be one of the most emotionally challenging things in the world. Being told she owes her mother ANYTHING is incorrect. She owes her mother nothing. She may choose to follow the inborn instinct to love one's mother, she may choose to be hurt day after day by the cruel things her mother shrieks and eventually distance herself, but whatever OP chooses to do with her situation I want her to know: She owes her mother nothing. If her mother wants her to have a healthy relationship, she has to hold up her end of it; not just the narcissistic, mean stuff, but be halfway supportive or loving. It is impossible to have a one-sided relationship, in marriage, in parentage, in friendship, in anything. It takes two to have a relationship.0 -
Next time your friend says something about your food choices smile really big and say " I know, isn't it GREAT that I have learned how and when I can eat this stuff and STILL be losing weight? " Just stand up to your mother and tell her your food and health choices are just fine without her opinion or input on how she thinks you should be doing it. tell her in a firm way, say end of discussion and walk away from her. if she gets mad let her. then just ignore anything else she says about it period. after a while she will shut up about it.0
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That's why I keep my cutting calories and watching what I eat to myself. Nothing worse than being surrounded by a bunch of food police. We don't live close to family and I don't mention my weight loss or what I eat because I don't feel like having negative judgment when I want to eat a pack of M&M.0
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It is hard to feel okay in our weight-obsessed culture when everything and everyone around us makes it clear that we are not okay. Television, billboards, magazines and people in elevators communicate disapproval of the amount of space we consume. It's natural to build defenses against the unceasing assault on our very existence, and having people around you who feel the same pain is comforting. Your mom, sister, and friend feel threatened by your desire to jump ship and join the other side. They aren't in a place to offer you support and encouragement, in a way they need support and encouragement of their own.
You've embarked on a journey not just of physical change, but also of emotional growth. Your success depends not just on how much you control your diet and exercise, but on building your confidence and finding your voice. Confidence comes from knowing you're not perfect, as in a response like this: "I know the Sprite or pizza is not the best choice, but I'm not perfect. I'm human and I give in sometimes." And it comes from knowing you deserve to be healthy and fit. You are not better than your friend who deserves junk food after a walk, you simply deserve something different -- to be healthy and fit. Your voice comes from your confidence and it doesn't have to be judgmental. Answer criticism with confidence, snarkiness with kindness.
You can thank your mom for her invitation to dinner, but explain that you've already planned to make a healthy dinner at home that night. Her criticism of your choices might sting, but you have complete control over how much you take them to heart. You can always tell her, "I love you too mom, but I know what's good for me to eat, thanks anyway for the advice." If circumstances dictate that you can't leave this situation, then you'll have to find a way through it.
Best of luck. . .0 -
Stop worrying so much about what other people do and think about you. I know it's easier said than done. The complaints/problems/concerns that your mom and friend have are about them, it's not really about you. Share with them the things about your life that you want them to be a part of, don't waste your time or energy on the rest if it's not going to be beneficial to anyone.0
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While talking to my Mom the other day about how I am eating healthier and working out she said to me "yeah, you looked a little on the larger side the other day". Her saying that made me feel absolutely horrible. But you know what I did!! I used that "anger" I had from what she said and I am using it as extra motivation to make myself better. My mother is overweight as well as my older sister and they are both always complaining about how horrible they feel. I do not want to be that way!! If they say negative things to you use it as a motivator!! I have come to realize that I can't talk to my Mom about my weight loss journey. Actually there are very few people I can talk to about it. Keep your head up girl and keep up the great work!!! Don't let them get to you!!0
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Yeah, it cold be cultural differences but I don't understand when I read suggestions like "don't talk to your mother" and etc. she gave life to the OP, she loves her as a piece of herself, it's the ancient motherly instinct.
There is the reason why our opinions diverge. I make a different assumption about mothers. You say yourself that everyone has issues, and I could not agree more. And I know from my own experience that there are mothers who completely reject their (adult) children exactly because of their issues. The love isn't gone, but the accumulation of frustration, inability to reflect and self-reflect and blame-games can lead to such outcomes, completely contrary to your assumption of ancient motherly instincts.0
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