Opinions? I'd Appreciate It.

JDeana14
JDeana14 Posts: 45 Member
in Chit-Chat
So, my wedding date is drawing nearer (yay!) and I have been in the process of sending out the invites. Well today, my fiance's mom had seen an invitation, and went completely ape sh-t that she and her husband's name wasn't listed. My parents are listed because they are the ones who are paying (and I am so grateful for this, otherwise we would have gone downtown and gotten hitched). Is this or is this not the proper way to word a wedding invitation? The one who is throwing the wedding, so to speak, is the one who is inviting the guests? If the bride and groom had payed for the wedding, they would list themselves and say "With their parents" or something along those lines. But it would be them who are inviting the guests.

Is it necessary to list the groom's parents on the invitation? I was under the impression that you only list who did the wedding, and who the wedding was for.

Either way, she really flew off the handle about this, and I thought it was offensive, hurtful and ridiculous. Before this incident she and I had a great future-in-law relationship. There is more to what happened today, but that's irrelevant and would cause me to drone on into a different ball game.

What do you guys think?
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Replies

  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    It's your wedding. Do what you want. Mother in Law's are annoying b****es. Also I might be bias since I really hate my future one. :laugh:
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    I'm glad you asked my opinion!!!

    You probably should have listed them to avoid drama.

    Too late now though, so sit down with your mother in law and explain your reasoning. Say that you didn't mean it as a slight and you thought that was how it was supposed to be.

    Beyond that, don't worry about it.
  • JDeana14
    JDeana14 Posts: 45 Member
    Haha! Yes you may be biased, but that's okay. This whole thing is nonsense, and I don't understand how I'm the bad guy here.
  • herblackwings39
    herblackwings39 Posts: 3,930 Member
    It used to be traditional to list both sets of parents names on wedding invitations. Now, I'm not so sure.
  • JDeana14
    JDeana14 Posts: 45 Member
    I'm glad you asked my opinion!!!

    You probably should have listed them to avoid drama.

    Too late now though, so sit down with your mother in law and explain your reasoning. Say that you didn't mean it as a slight and you thought that was how it was supposed to be.

    Beyond that, don't worry about it.

    Thanks for replying. I had tried that, and I really didn't do it deliberately, but she said "It's fine, I'm used to it." Not sure what that means, but she made it pretty clear that she was not okay with it.
  • JDeana14
    JDeana14 Posts: 45 Member
    My mom and I got those blank invitations, and downloaded the coinciding template for them. On the template, the example was the bride's parents inviting the guests to the marriage of their daughter to the groom, then it listed the time and place of the ceremony, then the reception. I just changed the names and put in the needed information, so I didn't think anything of it.
  • generallyme2
    generallyme2 Posts: 403 Member
    http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/qa/grooms-parents-host.aspx

    They should have been listed, out of courtesy, but also because they are basically hosts as well even if they didn't pay for it. Unfortunately, it's too late to change the invites, so I'd just apologize and give a very brief explanation (no need to dwell or sound like you're making excuses or it'll just get worse) then move on. Make sure that you thank all of the parents in the wedding toasts or on the reception cards.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    Emily Post says the invitations are issued by the host (aka the one footing the bill)

    http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/wedding-invitations-and-announcements/335-wording-formal-wedding-invitations
  • tennileb
    tennileb Posts: 265 Member
    I think if you list one set of parents you should list both, or just don't list anyone. Were they against the wedding ( if so then I wouldn't list nor invite them)? it would feel crummy to be the parent who is not worth mentioning on the invite. I think it would also be embarrassing for them to have invite sent to their side of the family with one set of parents listed but not them.


    in the end it is your wedding but you are marrying onto the family for life, how much of a rift do you want from the start.
  • kindasortachewy
    kindasortachewy Posts: 1,084 Member
    We paid for about 75% of the wedding ourselves and my parents gifted us the other 25% -- His parents don't have the means to help out, we still put both of the names of the invitation, its not worth hurt feelings to leave someone out
  • Ed98043
    Ed98043 Posts: 1,333 Member
    Every invitation I've ever received had both sets of parents listed. But it's too late now, all you can do is apologize and explain that you just used an online template and assumed that's how it was done.
  • JDeana14
    JDeana14 Posts: 45 Member
    I honestly wasn't aware of this fact, and didn't think anything of it. I do feel bad that this had hurt her feelings so much, but I did apologize and say it wasn't on purpose, and that I was just ignorant to the fact. I seriously just changed the template's wording to suit my situation, and left it at that.
  • PunkyRachel
    PunkyRachel Posts: 1,959 Member
    Trust me its a mother-in-law thing. At my wedding my husbands mom threw a fit because his step-mom got her flower corsage before she did. She was all, "I'm his real mom not her, I should have received mine 1st!" In my step-mom-in-laws defense, she got to the church first. lol
  • Laces_0ut
    Laces_0ut Posts: 3,750 Member
    seems kind of rude to have left them off the invitation.
  • janupshaw
    janupshaw Posts: 205 Member
    Not putting their names on the invitation makes it sound like they are not in favor of the wedding. What does your to-be husband think? Do you have time to re-do the ones that will go to his side of the family?
  • YoBecca
    YoBecca Posts: 167
    It used to be traditional to list both sets of parents names on wedding invitations. Now, I'm not so sure.

    No, tradition (and proper etiquette) is that the hosts issue the invitations. Wedding hosts are traditionally the bride's parents. You did nothing wrong here - there was no need to clear invitations through his folks - they are technically honored guests.

    My marital advice, FWIW: you should not be the one to talk to them about this. He should. A policy that each spouse handles drama from their own parents is a really good thing. It lets the parents vent without harming their relationship with you, and it makes it clear that you and your fiance are a united front, and he's not throwing you to the wolves. And when he talks to his parents, he should be on Team You, and when you talk to your parents you should be on Team Him.
  • realme56
    realme56 Posts: 1,093 Member
    It used to be traditional to list both sets of parents names on wedding invitations. Now, I'm not so sure.

    This^^ I think it still goes and it is not about who pays for the wedding but a nod to each participants parents.
  • YoBecca
    YoBecca Posts: 167
    Have your fiance send her some links explaining this - the rules of etiquette around this are pretty clear cut, and you followed them.
  • stacyhaddenham
    stacyhaddenham Posts: 211 Member
    Traditionally the invite would list both sets of parents. Keep in mind that when your child gets married it is as big a deal and a change for the parents as it is for the children so emotions can run VERY high. I will admit though that this is why our invitations listed my step son and not our parents as the host.
  • Melissa22G
    Melissa22G Posts: 847 Member
    We listed both. Perhaps you can do a special nod to them somehow at the ceremony or before hand?
  • debbash68
    debbash68 Posts: 981 Member
    To be honest, I've been waiting on my invite for a couple of weeks, don't worry about your mother in law, where's my invite???:huh:
  • Laces_0ut
    Laces_0ut Posts: 3,750 Member
    Have your fiance send her some links explaining this - the rules of etiquette around this are pretty clear cut, and you followed them.

    not from what a quick google search and people's comments on this thread say. it seems the considerate thing to do is to include both sets of parents names even though in the past the technical thing to do was to list those hosting.


    i guess its similar to in the past expecting the bride's parents to pay where today thats not the rule anymore.

    so going forward just do what will cause the least problems especially if it is as simple as including someones name on an invitiation.
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
    It used to be traditional to list both sets of parents names on wedding invitations. Now, I'm not so sure.

    This^^ I think it still goes and it is not about who pays for the wedding but a nod to each participants parents.

    As per etiquette, the hosts are named on the invite, however, nowadays it isn't uncommon to list both parents and the couple.

    Eta - its a little late to worry now. Maybe think about the best way to smooth it over.
  • YoBecca
    YoBecca Posts: 167
    It used to be traditional to list both sets of parents names on wedding invitations. Now, I'm not so sure.

    This^^ I think it still goes and it is not about who pays for the wedding but a nod to each participants parents.

    This is the opposite of traditional invitation etiquette. It is more common now than it has been in the past for a) the grooms parents to co-host (meaning pay for and plan), b) the couple to pay for all or most and to issue the invitation "together with their parents" or c) people to not follow traditional etiquette and issue the invitations from both families for the sake of inclusion or hurt feelings. But the only people entitled to invite anyone to an event, traditionally, are the people who are hosting it. Meanjng paid fir it and planned it. This is also why the bride's father or mother traditionally makes a toast at the reception thanking all the guests for coming to the party - b/c THEY (traditionally) are the hosts, responsible for welcoming guests.

    Nobody has to follow traditions - but that is WHY the template was set up that way, and why the future MIL is the one out of line here. Its understandable, but its b/c she feels entitled to invite people to something she's not hosting.
  • JDeana14
    JDeana14 Posts: 45 Member
    It used to be traditional to list both sets of parents names on wedding invitations. Now, I'm not so sure.

    No, tradition (and proper etiquette) is that the hosts issue the invitations. Wedding hosts are traditionally the bride's parents. You did nothing wrong here - there was no need to clear invitations through his folks - they are technically honored guests.

    My marital advice, FWIW: you should not be the one to talk to them about this. He should. A policy that each spouse handles drama from their own parents is a really good thing. It lets the parents vent without harming their relationship with you, and it makes it clear that you and your fiance are a united front, and he's not throwing you to the wolves. And when he talks to his parents, he should be on Team You, and when you talk to your parents you should be on Team Him.

    Thanks for the advice. This happened while my fiance was not around, so I fought the battle on my own. It was difficult enough to figure out how to word the invitation to where my stepdad and dad were both acknowledged,, although my stepdad is the one working his behind off to pay for the wedding. Both wording options seem to be okay; I guess one is just more traditional than the other.
  • JDeana14
    JDeana14 Posts: 45 Member
    Not putting their names on the invitation makes it sound like they are not in favor of the wedding. What does your to-be husband think? Do you have time to re-do the ones that will go to his side of the family?

    My fiance was as in-the-dark as I was about the invitation wording. I had invitations in my purse that were meant to go to some of his side of the family, and his mom took them out of my purse so she could hand them to the family members. So his grandma, grandpa, and two aunts will be getting the invitations the way they are.
  • ChristineinMA
    ChristineinMA Posts: 312 Member

    My marital advice, FWIW: you should not be the one to talk to them about this. He should. A policy that each spouse handles drama from their own parents is a really good thing. It lets the parents vent without harming their relationship with you, and it makes it clear that you and your fiance are a united front, and he's not throwing you to the wolves. And when he talks to his parents, he should be on Team You, and when you talk to your parents you should be on Team Him.

    I think this is excellent advice.
  • Susanthecatwhisperer
    Susanthecatwhisperer Posts: 141 Member
    It's your wedding. It's hard when your future in law makes you feel bad in such a dramatic way! It's not like it can be changed now. But, I also have to say, look at it from her eyes. She's probably hurt, and lashing out, because your parents are on it, not his. I know, when I was planning for my wedding, I was in a similar situation, my parents were paying for everything. Once I started looking at all the wedding invitations, and overwhelmed by choices, I went with one that had no mention of either parents, just to be fair. I hope your special day is perfect, and that she comes around.
  • Alliwan
    Alliwan Posts: 1,245 Member
    It's your wedding. It's hard when your future in law makes you feel bad in such a dramatic way! It's not like it can be changed now. But, I also have to say, look at it from her eyes. She's probably hurt, and lashing out, because your parents are on it, not his. I know, when I was planning for my wedding, I was in a similar situation, my parents were paying for everything. Once I started looking at all the wedding invitations, and overwhelmed by choices, I went with one that had no mention of either parents, just to be fair. I hope your special day is perfect, and that she comes around.

    We paid for our own wedding also, but both my parents and my inlaws helped out with things here and there. My inlaws helped out more than my parents because they had the financial means to. We listed both sets of parents on the invitation because there is no reason to leave one set out. Like telling everyone that your inlaws are cheap b*stards. Id be upset if i were her too.
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,078 Member
    It used to be traditional to list both sets of parents names on wedding invitations. Now, I'm not so sure.

    This

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