Opinions? I'd Appreciate It.
Replies
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I do think that she and her husband should have been listed, but I also think it was an innocent mistake. If you put yourself in her shoes, and think that it must have been hurtful and embarrassing to be excluded from the formalities of such an important day for their son, you may be able to better understand her feelings. Think of a child you may have someday-someone you raised, nurtured, supported, worried for, and hoped for. Think of such a big day as that child deciding to spend his life with another person-surely you would want to be formally recognized.
However, a lot of her hurt is probably aimed at her son, and he needs to do some follow up here. I don't think either of you needs to feel terribly guilty about this, it was a mistake made out of lack of awareness, not malice. However, if the two of you could go visit her and express how you can really see her side and realize how hurt she must be, that may go a long way.0 -
do whatever you wanna do its your wedding - but seriously is it that big of a deal, just put their names on who gives a **** - will make it a lot easier on your fiance
worst thing ever is when your intended and mom are clashing over stupid **** - makes the guys life an effing nightmare, no reason to be difficult0 -
I don't think you are the bad guy here.
Whatever the rights or wrongs in terms of protocol, if you didn't intend it as a slight, then it's just the way it is.
Frankly though, I'm more upset I didn't get an invitation, but I forgive you :flowerforyou:0 -
I have 4 sisters, so 5 weddings that my parents paid for. None of us listed the grooms parents. The invitations read mr and mrs so and so invite you to witness the marriage of their daughter abc to mr so and so. Then pertinent date, time etc info.0
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It's your wedding, you can list whoever you want on the invitations and you don't have to answer to anyone about it. In the spirit of trying to keep the peace, I'd just apologize to them and then not mention it again. Good luck in the future, sounds like you might be dealing with some boundary stomping entitled in laws.0
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I have no idea what's proper. I plan to elope if I ever get married. All this wedding crap to me seems like a huge waste of time, energy and money.
However, I wonder if your FMIL's problem is she feels like she's going to lose her son. I always hear and read about how when a man gets married, he starts doing everything with his wife's family and his family gets back-burnered and ignored. She probably has friends telling her this is going to happen, not to mention it's all over pop culture as a stereotype.
So maybe her fear was manifested in not seeing her name on the invitation and she has visions of not being allowed to see her son and future grandchildren after the wedding. Cut her a little slack and give her some time to cool down and then maybe try to reassure her that isn't going to happen.0 -
I've only ever seen the brides parents names listed, but I don't know if that makes it right.0
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Good luck in the future, sounds like you might be dealing with some boundary stomping entitled in laws.
Word. :smokin:0 -
I am a Mother-in-law
beware, we are evil *****es just because we can be
that said
Traditionally the wording on the invite is
Mr and Mrs Your Parents name
request the pleasure of the company of
the guest
to celebrate the Wedding of their daughter
your name, but only first names
to
Mr your fiance's full name
at
place time and details
RSVP
or something like that, the invitation does not traditionally include the names of the Grooms family, and I have been married twice and been to loads of weddings, I have never had an invitation that had the Grooms parents names on, sometimes its the Bride and Groom who pay and so their names go on it, and not the parents.
Other than that, your Mother in ,law is out of order, tell her to read a book on etiquette and to stfu you have him now0 -
Nobody has to follow traditions - but that is WHY the template was set up that way, and why the future MIL is the one out of line here. Its understandable, but its b/c she feels entitled to invite people to something she's not hosting.
This. I'm 60 so I remember the old days when the bride's parents paid and the bride had little or no money of her own. It was ALWAYS "Mr. and Mrs. (bride's parents) request the honor of your presence..." In those days, I don't think the groom's parents ever got a mention. Now that the financing of weddings is more flexible, so is the wording. DH and I didn't mention parents at all on ours- it was 10 years ago and his were deceased, mine were in their 70s and not hosting. Didn't bother them. DS just got married last April and they never asked us for a dime although we put on a rehearsal dinner that included a very large wedding party, plus spouses, plus a lot of little kids and the bride's numerous aunts and uncles and their spouses. I said a few words of greeting to the group at the dinner; it was my chance in the spotlight, they knew who paid the bill and that was fine. DH and I were not mentioned on the wedding invitation. It never occurred to me to be upset. I love my new DIL (and now she's pregnant- woo-hoo!!!).
Finally, I just got a cousin's wedding invite yesterday. Only her mother is listed as hosting. Her mother was once married to my Uncle (my mother's youngest brother) a doctor who cheated on her and his second wife, developed a drinking problem and eventually lost his medical license. Uncle is alive and well; not sure if he'll be at the wedding.
Your future MIL has no business getting upset. And, as a future MIL myself, I was determined not to do anything to anger the person who might control access to my future grandchildren!0 -
Is your future mom-in-law doing absolutely nothing to contribute? The way you presented your story tells me that only those who contribute to your wedding monetarily deserve acknowledgement. Hopefully mom-in-law wasn't helping you lick and stamp your invites when she noticed this.
I understand a wedding day is a big deal for the bride. After all, it is "your big day" right? But it is a big day for the parents watching their children grow up too. Even the groom’s parents!
If your post is just to prove you right, than know it's not that I think she should definitely have been included on the invitations. However, I think you could care a bit more about the fact that her feelings were hurt. Your story comes off as self centered to me.0 -
It's your wedding and your choice.
Some people I have gotten invitations from don't even list the parents at all. What you did seems reasonable, it's not like you intentionally did it to bash them in the face. 0 -
Invites are not the place to honor or thank people. As its already been said, the invite is sent by the host, so it would include the hosts name, which as already mentioned, traditionally was the brides family. Nowadays it is often a little more complicated when you are dealing with a number of parties contributing of the couple themselves paying.0
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Why do weddings always cause so much drama. Honestly, a sensible person would realise that you're just doing your best to muddle through and give you the benefit of the doubt. All you can do is explain that you've never done this before so you didn't know. All you did was follow the format provided on the invite. How are you supposed to know?
Our invites only had my parents names on it too, because that was the format on them and they were paying for everything. No one said anything about it. I agree with other comments - my parents were the hosts and my in-laws were very special guests. Therefore it made sense that my parents would invite his parents.
Our drama was over +1s. We refused to give his sister a +1. We were deliberately keeping it small and within a budget, so we had a rule of only inviting people we knew: only good friends/family and serious partners. His sister didn't even have a partner. She just wanted to bring a random friend to keep her company, despite the fact she knew about half of the other guests. We told her the rule was universal and was applied to my siblings too. She fussed right up until the end. I offered a compromise of letting her bring someone to the reception after, but she refused...because she didn't have anyone to bring. Come the day, no one even thought about it.
Sometimes you just need to do what you need to do. Someone is always going to fuss, but as long as you try to be fair then it will all turn out ok.0 -
Here the bride's and groom's parents are always listed, no matter what.0
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According to "Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette", circa 1959 by Doubleday Press, the invitation should be worded as follows:
Mr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Penelope
to
Mr. George Frank Carpenter
on Friday, the ninth of June
One thousand nine hundred and fifty
at twelve o'clock
Saint Mary's Chruch
San Francisco
I received a copy of this book from my beloved great aunt as an engagement gift in 1979 and have had a ton of fun over the years with it. Whenever our friends need advice on "gracious living", I pull out my trusty book on etiquette and we look it up. So tell your mother-in-law to be that her name will go on the invitations she issues to the rehearsal dinner that she will be paying for - as noted in proper societal living.
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PS - I hope your wedding is awesome and that you have many years of love and peaceful bliss.0
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It's your wedding. Do what you want. Mother in Law's are annoying b****es. Also I might be bias since I really hate my future one. :laugh:
My future MIL is a horrendous woman too.0 -
Your of age to marry then it's your decision. Don't let anyone change your wishes.0
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tl,dr the responses, but..
It is acceptable NOT to list the parent's of the groom if they are not hosting (i.e) paying for the event. But I think it would be a good idea and help soothe MIL's hurt feelings to have a "wedding program" listing them as "Parent's of the Groom".0 -
My marital advice, FWIW: you should not be the one to talk to them about this. He should. A policy that each spouse handles drama from their own parents is a really good thing. It lets the parents vent without harming their relationship with you, and it makes it clear that you and your fiance are a united front, and he's not throwing you to the wolves. And when he talks to his parents, he should be on Team You, and when you talk to your parents you should be on Team Him.
This. So many times I ended up having to deal with my (ex) in-law's for difficult stuff, and yet he never had to deal with my parents. It was stressful for me, and made me resent that he wanted to hand me all the dirty work.0 -
According to "Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette", circa 1959 by Doubleday Press, the invitation should be worded as follows:
Mr. and Mrs. Grant Kingsley
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Penelope
to
Mr. George Frank Carpenter
on Friday, the ninth of June
One thousand nine hundred and fifty
at twelve o'clock
Saint Mary's Chruch
San Francisco
I received a copy of this book from my beloved great aunt as an engagement gift in 1979 and have had a ton of fun over the years with it. Whenever our friends need advice on "gracious living", I pull out my trusty book on etiquette and we look it up. So tell your mother-in-law to be that her name will go on the invitations she issues to the rehearsal dinner that she will be paying for - as noted in proper societal living.
Love this!0 -
I would apologize and explain no offense was intended and you were just following traditional wedding invitation wording. Give her a big hug and say how happy you are to be joining the family.
If she chooses to hold a grudge. So be it. You did nothing wrong.0 -
Brides parents on wedding (and reception) invites.
Groom parents on the dinner party invites (you know the dinner after the "run-through" before the actual marraige) Traditionally, this is what the grooms parents pay for....if they can. Much cheaper than the actual wedding!0 -
It used to be traditional to list both sets of parents names on wedding invitations. Now, I'm not so sure.
No, tradition (and proper etiquette) is that the hosts issue the invitations. Wedding hosts are traditionally the bride's parents. You did nothing wrong here - there was no need to clear invitations through his folks - they are technically honored guests.
My marital advice, FWIW: you should not be the one to talk to them about this. He should. A policy that each spouse handles drama from their own parents is a really good thing. It lets the parents vent without harming their relationship with you, and it makes it clear that you and your fiance are a united front, and he's not throwing you to the wolves. And when he talks to his parents, he should be on Team You, and when you talk to your parents you should be on Team Him.
I totally agree. This has been the traditional method for a very long time. Including the groom's parents is only a fairy recent change in etiquette. But honestly, it's totally up to the bride, whose parents usually host and pay for the entire wedding. Tell your MIL that you're a traditional, old fashioned kind of woman and meant no harm.
The groom's parents traditionally host the rehearsal dinner. Are they going to put your parents' names on their invitations?0 -
I think it is not necessary to add your parents name on it! Just bride and groom name is ok!
http://www.elegantweddinginvites.com0 -
Thank you everyone for replying. This post was not intended to prove I was right at all, for those who think that. I was trying to get the facts straight, and I see that either way is appropriate nowadays. I did apologize as soon as she brought it up to be, although it didn't help. I originally wasn't planning on having a Ceremony program, but to bring my fiance's parent's names to recognition, I may just do that in order to help straighten things out. My parents are paying for almost all of the wedding, his parents are helping with the alcohol, his tux, and the limo for the wedding party. His mom also said she will pay for the rehearsal dinner. These are all things she offered to do on her own, so it's not like we had asked her. I do see why she is upset, and I understand completely. My fiance is her only child, as she had lost a child after him. I know this wedding means a lot to her, but the way she addressed me about this issue was extremely rude. She went from "I'm so glad you are marrying my son, you are the best thing that has happened to him, and you do so much for him. I have a daughter now!" to "Apparently my son hatched from an egg" and "I'm going to tell you right now, I kept my mouth shut and butt out on a lot of things this past year while this wedding has been planned, but this is over the top for me. It makes me wonder if I even gave birth to him." Those are her exact words.
She turned into a different person entirely and her actions say that she hates me now. I had said I love her before we left the house, like I always do, and she laughed and acted like she didn't hear me.0 -
Oh! That is stressful, and I hate that you have to deal with that, but it sounds like this is a bigger issue for her than just the invites.
BTW, the things she is paying for are things then husband's family often pays for. And, as for the rehearsal dinner, that is her place to be in the spotlight - she's the host, she issues the invites, she sets the tone, etc. Get your fiance to talk to her, to reassure her of her place in his life, in his future, and in this event. This is not a problem you can solve.0 -
Every wedding invitation I've ever received listed both sets of parents. Yes, typically the brides parents pay for the wedding, but two sets of parents are involved. Are they not paying for anything? Grooms dinner??? Have you sent them yet? I personally would change them, I don't blame her for bring upset and this is not how you want to start.0
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We paid for about 75% of the wedding ourselves and my parents gifted us the other 25% -- His parents don't have the means to help out, we still put both of the names of the invitation, its not worth hurt feelings to leave someone out
This is what I'd go with, but you didnt do it on purpose! Show them the Emily Post link.0
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