Imaginings of a newer me...

I'm doing it again. First time was in 2001 at 260 lbs, I lost down to 135ish (following Weight Watchers) in 2003- 2004 - I lost track because a trainer I had at the time told me to throw my scale out the window. All I know, was I could get into a size 8 for the first time in my life. BUT that was THEN...

NOW I've gained back to 200 pounds and I'm so miserable with myself I can hardly stand it. It's such a vicious cycle; eat good for a few days then have ONE THING bad and it throws me completely out of whack....I think, "OH I had McDonalds, so I may as well get a candy bar from the vending machine and another 44 oz diet coke, who cares? I want it so bad I can taste in the back of my mouth. Nothing matters anyway" Then the next day comes, "Oh, I screwed up yesterday so I may as well forget the whole thing and just resolve to be FAT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!" Then the tears come and I eat, then the denial comes and I eat, then the anger comes and I eat more and more and more....repeat until I can't fit through the door.

The funny thing is, even when I weighed 135 and wore the size 8 pants (that I swore were mis-marked, they weren’t size 8 in my mind then, they were still a 14 with the wrong size marked in them). I wasn’t happy. I always had another 10 pounds to go! Always. I was never happy with my body; I never have been and I don’t know that I ever will be. I DO know that I need to do something or I’m in for a heart attack some day. I didn’t like my ‘old woman’s belly’ extra skin flabbing around, making me all wrinkly and old looking. My boobs turned into flat, wrinkly hills instead of voluptuous mountains. I didn’t like anything about me then. I wonder how I’m going to change that now, at 200 pounds? Well at least my belly ain’t wrinkled and my boobs ain’t flat! At least there is ONE bonus to being fat - plus, I get to eat what I want – or what my thoughts want anyway.

Yesterday, out of curiosity, I plugged in what I ate into this newly-found website (thanks to my awesome new Android phone). I ate 1,314 calories more than I needed yesterday! OMG!

SO, here is an exercise I did from a book I'm reading. The exercise is to write down how you imagine your life to be when you get to your goal weight. Maybe this time the lifestyle will 'stick.' Maybe I can like my body some day. Right now, that thought feels pretty hopeless.

Imaginings of a skinny me:

I can get up off the couch without having to ‘get into position’ first. I can get into the car easier and I can buckle my seat belt without having to raise my fat *kitten* up to get to it. I can get in and out of the tub fast – without having to struggle to my knees and hold on for dear life to the edges of the tub and pry myself out of it. I can hold my leg up in the air while I shave in a luxurious bath. I can reach around myself easier to wipe my *kitten*. I can jog. I can climb stairs for 3 flights without being breathless. I can keep up with my husband on walks, up the steep hills of Seattle. I can wear my good and sexy clothes again. I can get that (mismarked) size 8 skirt back on. I can get the ‘good looks’ when I go to places. I can feel confident and not doddle over someone else’s body and only be able to think how much better she is than I am because she doesn’t have a mental issue about food, she has more control than me, she is sooo much better than I am, look at how easily she moves, look at how flat her stomach is, how perky her boobs are…. On and on and on. I can have sex with comfort and be able to do it without flopping around like a fish out of water, clumsy and out of breath. I can go out to eat without feeling embarrassed. I can feel like I have control over SOMETHING in my life.