Newbie here, desperately needing help and support

Hello everyone...

This has always been a touchy subject for me, and this is actually extremely hard for me to talk about.

But, I cannot deny it anymore. I need help. Badly.

All of my life, I have been a thick...or, fat...girl.

Believe it or not, I never got made fun of. Poked at. Nothing.
I was actually popular and desired among men and boys.
For a fat girl...I had a really good school experience...

Because of that, I felt confident in myself...for the most part...

Of course, there would be days when I would look at myself and feel disgusted...ashamed...embarrassed...

I hated that I couldn't wear clothes that I wanted to. I still kept my style the best I could, but...come on...how often do you really see sexy, cute, dark outfits for anyone plus size? I'll tell you, very very rarely.

When I was 13, my grandfather...who was my Dad basically...passed away from Cancer.

It killed me.

I started gaining even more weight over the years...and even began 'harming' myself...by cutting. (Hope I didn't violate anything by mentioning that. If so, I apologize...i'm a bit emotional at the moment while reliving this)

It continued. The self mutilating. Be it razor, or double bacon cheeseburger...

I dated all throughout school...still at the age of 13, I began to date a guy who was older than me. He and I would be together for four years...

During this time, I decided that I had to do something about this weight.

And so I did. I drastically changed how I ate...and began to push myself every day on a treadmill, on the country roads, sit ups, crunches, lunges, and swimming in the pool. Those were the main things.

But, all this work, was practically in vain. Because I got to 260 and stayed there... No matter what I did, I could never get under 260. Not even by one pound. And I tried, I tried my hardest...

It was devastating.

I gave up that day. I stopped working out. And I started to eat like I used to...a little better than I used to, but not by much...

To sum it all up, i've always been fat. And it seems that there is nothing I can do. Nothing. About it.

I am now with my current boyfriend who i've been with for three years...and he says he loves me very much.

One night, we got into a very deep conversation where I FINALLY brought up my weight.

He had said, that I would be amazing if I lost the weight. And even if I didn't, my weight didn't matter to him.
He loves me, and he wants to marry me one day. And all this other stuff.
He even said that i'd look better than Megan Fox if I lost the weight...and if my lips were a little fuller...

And now...

All I can think about is how i'm not perfect.
How i'm not the hottest woman in the world. How I am not BEST in his eyes.
How i've never known what it's like to not have this awful stomach...

The confidence I once had...is gone. I don't think it's even there in the least anymore.

I don't love myself...not any more...and i'm not honestly sure if I ever did.

I feel like I am mentally and physically sick now about my weight...

I can't do much exercise because my doctor said that it's horrible on my joints...

I'm 5'4. And am ashamed to say that I weight over 300 pounds...
Never in my life had I thought I would be that large...Ever...

I know that I am beautiful on the inside...but I desperately want to be on the outside too... You know?

I want to be able to wear the clothes that I want to...
I want to be able to walk and run with a dog...
I want to be able to sit in a booth at a restaurant...and not have to worry about whether I can move the table so I FIT BETTER.
I love roller coasters...but I don't want to risk going to a theme park because I don't think i'd be able to FIT...

I want to live my life the way I used to...and the way I never have been able to.

I want to have kids. Help them grow up. See and care for my grandchildren.

There are so many things that I want to do...if I continue babbling on...no one will read this. It will be too long, and depressing...haha...

My name is Raven.
I am 21, will be 22 September 22nd.
I have brown eyes.
Long, straight dark hair...that is now a dark auburn.
I am latina and white.
I'm 5'4.
I love to write...and draw.
Adventure Time and Regular Show are my favorite shows...I love the art and hope I can do something like that one day.
I love the water...to swim...
I love animals...perhaps too much...

And I love. With all I have...

I will not lie, and say that this desire to be thing has nothing to do with my boyfriend. Because it does. You know it, and I know it.
I want to be perfect for him....and for myself...

I am going to eat better...and drink lots of water which I normally avoid all together...
I'm debating giving up soda completely...but it's very hard...because I see now that it's my addiction.

I am going to work as hard as I can to lose weight...

AND get Liposuction and eventually a tummy tuck...

As well as a Lip Plumper.

I know that I am emotionally not in a good set of mind...and I guess that is the main reason why I decided to come here and introduce myself.

To hopefully get help...advice...anything, really.

My name is Raven...and I don't want to be fat anymore... :'')