What to do about my beer loving hubby?
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Alcoholism is a horrible disease.
He needs help and must want help.
No one can make a decision for you. Just offer advice....
Just do what is in the best interest of the children and your well being.
I am speaking from experience.
I'm a single dad with full legal and physical custody of the kids.
For us this is the direction we had to take.
The kids would be left in the vehicle while she was in the bar, almost run over someone walking down the road, etc.
I could go on and on.....
It sounds like by his own admission he will always drink.
Good luck:flowerforyou:
Oh my god. That is exactly my fear. So your kids never see their mom? I'm afraid that's what I would have to do and they would hate me for it. They love their dad.0 -
Just to slightly hijack this thread (apologies).
Would those here also feel a bottle of wine (okay, more like 1.5 bottles) per night for one person is excessive / tending towards alcoholism?0 -
it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married....
He has been to AA and admitted to a problem years ago, but now says he knows he will never really quit, but can handle it responsibly and cut back....
I can't leave my kids with him because I don't trust he will watch them while inebriated...
I am a stay at home mom mostly because I feel like I cannot get a job because then he would be responsible for watching the kids at least part of the time. If he drove drunk with them or something happened to them I could not forgive myself and would probably go to jail for killing him. Seriously....
Do me (and yourself) a huge favor and read these parts again VERY closely.
Yes he is an alcoholic.
You knew this when you decided to marry him.
Why are you trying to change him now?
Why did you continue to have children with someone you do not trust enough to watch said children?
Okay those two questions aren't fair. What's done is done.
He needs to get help. He needs to hit rock bottom, a wake up call. He needs to realize what he is risking. There is nothing you can do about it, especially if you are never finding work and driving him around all the time so he doesn't get DUI's. I won't go so far to say that you're enabling him, but you are accepting his behavior and creating an environment that doesn't force him to change, so why would he?
Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you don't trust him around your children alone. Maybe take the kids away some stay with someone else for a month or so. You have to make the situation clear to him. Go to an AA meeting with him. Just because he says he's not an alcoholic doesn't mean it's true.
I wish you the best of luck.
Thank you. I know I am enabling him, but I am doing so to protect our kids. But I am realizing through reading these posts that I am not protecting them by letting them be around this behavior. And I will be honest, I married him because I got pregnant at 20 and had no health insurance and was pressured by his family to do so. HIs drinking got far far worse after we married.0 -
I've seen the Al-Anon suggestion which is a good idea. You might have to find the "right" group for you though. So don't be upset if the first group doesn't "fit" for you.
Also, you need to start documenting EVERYTHING. If there are others present and can be counted on to be a witness for you, then you're going to have to include them in your documentation. I'm not joking document, document, document. This will probably feel traitorous and you can count on facing fallout from family members when you're found out. But, if this is as bad as you say, that's going to be your only weapon. (I hesitated calling it that but couldn't think of a better word, sorry to anyone out there who reads this and believes I'm bashing, I'm not.)
Good luck.0 -
So he drinks when he doesn't work, and he has you drive him around when he is drinking? I don't know I don't think its a problem.. of course I am from a huge alcoholic state where drinking on the weekends (during the day/at night) is pretty normal. And 6 beers is like a drop in the bucket.
But I would definitely talk to him about it and bring up the kids etc, you said your a stay at home mom, maybe he is stressed with supporting the family and drinks as well.. communication..0 -
There is no easy fix here, I wish I had one.
I am sorry for you and hope you have healed. My question has always been, HOW do I leave? He would at least get joint custody, he is the "responsible" one with the good job, etc. Then he will have the kids, and if he isn't stopping for them now surely he won't then? It would be my worst nightmare!
Ann Landers used to say "Ask yourself, are u better off with him or without him?"0 -
My husband drinks beer. A lot of beer. He always has, and it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married. He will drink a six pack probably two or three nights a week. He drinks all weekend long, beer only usually, but still he's drinking around 20 beers just on the weekends.
That doesn't sound like "a lot" to me.
Over 40 beers a week is not a lot? I'm asking seriously because to me, that sounds like a lot. And that's just the count I came up with its probably more.
To me, that is alot. I would be upset and feeling the same way you are. If he won't change, then it may be time to get the resources together to move on and move out with your children. To me they are the ones that need to be protected and are losing their innocents while watching their father drink himself to oblivion. I hope you find the strength to get yourself out of this situation!0 -
I've seen the Al-Anon suggestion which is a good idea. You might have to find the "right" group for you though. So don't be upset if the first group doesn't "fit" for you.
Also, you need to start documenting EVERYTHING. If there are others present and can be counted on to be a witness for you, then you're going to have to include them in your documentation. I'm not joking document, document, document. This will probably feel traitorous and you can count on facing fallout from family members when you're found out. But, if this is as bad as you say, that's going to be your only weapon. (I hesitated calling it that but couldn't think of a better word, sorry to anyone out there who reads this and believes I'm bashing, I'm not.)
Good luck.
I have never thought about doing that. Thank you.0 -
Just to slightly hijack this thread (apologies).
Would those here also feel a bottle of wine (okay, more like 1.5 bottles) per night for one person is excessive / tending towards alcoholism?
1.5 bottles per night every night? I try not to label anything as alcoholic behavior based on anecdotal evidence from the internet.... but yes, I would consider that to be excessive.0 -
Just to throw this out there…..
Nobody can diagnose your husband with alcohol dependence with such limited information provided on this thread and without speaking with him. I am not approving of all his behavior (limited information provided), I am just saying that nobody here can make such absolute statements.
OP: Chat with your husband and not randoms on the internet.
edited to clarify0 -
I think you should count your blessings obviously he has changed. Sometimes we have to take a step back and work on us. I myself am a co-dependent. I just realized after years of nagging and arguing that I can not change my husband. But I can tell you this when he is ready I will be there for him. Don't give up on your hubby if that is the worst he does. Trust me it could be worse!0
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honestly you can't do anything until he wants to change. in my experience alcoholics, if this is truly what is at play here, are usually not ready to change until they lose absolutely everything. I have had a relationship end due to alcohol use because I know I cannot change anyone. unfortunately neither can you.
I completely agree with this poster. There is nothing you can do to change them. They have to want to stop on their own. Have an awakening of some sort. I've had experiences with an alcoholic and a drug abuser. Seem when the issues was pushed by a loved one, they would always promise to stop but never actually followed through. Remember we can only help those that want to be helped. Good luck with your hubby!0 -
Just to throw this out there…..
Nobody can diagnose your husband with alcohol dependence with such limited information provided on this thread and without speaking with him. I am not approving of all his behavior, I am just saying that nobody here can make such absolute statements.
OP: Chat with your husband and not randoms on the internet.
completely agreed. there is a huge leap from "drinking a lot" (or, even "drinking to excess") to "alcoholism".0 -
Just to throw this out there…..
Nobody can diagnose your husband with alcohol dependence with such limited information provided on this thread and without speaking with him. I am not approving of all his behavior, I am just saying that nobody here can make such absolute statements.
OP: Chat with your husband and not randoms on the internet.
Do you think we have not "chatted" about this issue to death? We have talked, fought, yelled, calmly spoke, etc for years. He won't even talk about it now, he cuts me off and puts up the wall. I am asking strangers what they would do, as everyone close to me is close to him, so they have emotions tied to the situation. I know he has a problem with it, diagnosable or not, I am not looking for answers to help him, I'm looking for objective ideas to help myself and my kids. And I've gotten quite a few.0 -
My husband drinks beer. A lot of beer. He always has, and it's been an issue in our marriage since we've been married......he's drinking around 20 beers just on the weekends.
What the heck do I do?
You knew about his alcoholism before, yet you married him anyway????
He's not going to change until HE wants to. Accept it.0 -
I would have a huge problem with this. I think you can only change yourself though. How much are you willing to tolerate? I also stay at home with 4 kids, but I had gotten to the point where I couldn't take anymore so I packed all his clothes in his car and told him to leave and not come back til he was ready to quit drinking for good. He did start AA and it was very difficult for him to not drink, but he's been sober now for 2 years. You have to decide how much you'll put up with if it bothers you that much.0
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Just to slightly hijack this thread (apologies).
Would those here also feel a bottle of wine (okay, more like 1.5 bottles) per night for one person is excessive / tending towards alcoholism?
1.5 bottles per night every night? I try not to label anything as alcoholic behavior based on anecdotal evidence from the internet.... but yes, I would consider that to be excessive.
Sadly, this is what I had to deal with in a previous relationship. Not just the act of drinking of course, but the behaviour associated with it. In its 'mildest' form, she would just get slurry and slow and fall asleep. But on nights out she would _always_ drink as much as possible until she needed rescuing, thus terminating the night early. Or she'd get accusatory and arsey.
Not good, and as has been said in this thread, they will NOT change unless they themselves recognise it as a problem... just like any other addiction. Gently suggesting AA did nothing at all, apart from the blame being deflected upon me!0 -
Just to slightly hijack this thread (apologies).
Would those here also feel a bottle of wine (okay, more like 1.5 bottles) per night for one person is excessive / tending towards alcoholism?
1.5 bottles per night every night? I try not to label anything as alcoholic behavior based on anecdotal evidence from the internet.... but yes, I would consider that to be excessive.
Sadly, this is what I had to deal with in a previous relationship. Not just the act of drinking of course, but the behaviour associated with it. In its 'mildest' form, she would just get slurry and slow and fall asleep. But on nights out she would _always_ drink as much as possible until she needed rescuing, thus terminating the night early. Or she'd get accusatory and arsey.
Not good, and as has been said in this thread, they will NOT change unless they themselves recognise it as a problem... just like any other addiction. Gently suggesting AA did nothing at all, apart from the blame being deflected upon me!
belligerent drunks are fun. not. this sounds like my situation except it was two dozen coors and an entire fifth of jim beam. when we went out it was 8 or 9 shots of tequila and about 12 coors lights. rescuing was necessitated after he would almost throw up on the bar or dinner table.0 -
Alcoholism is a horrible disease.
He needs help and must want help.
No one can make a decision for you. Just offer advice....
Just do what is in the best interest of the children and your well being.
I am speaking from experience.
I'm a single dad with full legal and physical custody of the kids.
For us this is the direction we had to take.
The kids would be left in the vehicle while she was in the bar, almost run over someone walking down the road, etc.
I could go on and on.....
It sounds like by his own admission he will always drink.
Good luck:flowerforyou:
Oh my god. That is exactly my fear. So your kids never see their mom? I'm afraid that's what I would have to do and they would hate me for it. They love their dad.
They haven't seen her in over a year and a half.
That is her choice...
She has supervised visitation when she wants to see them.
She moved to N. Dakota to "start a better life" is what she told the kids.
Still an alcoholic and was busted and went to jail, etc.
They have adjusted very well.
They are my world!!0 -
join him, drink with him0
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