I'm scared

kattahan · September 2013

Hey everyone,

I am starting my weight loss journey tomorrow. I have started this journey several times in the past but never stuck to it nor even came close to finishing it. As a kid I have always been overweight. During my teen and early 20s, the lowest I got was 150 and I was around 5'6 then. Now I am 27, 5'8 and 250 pounds. I have never been over the 200 mark and I am severely depressed because of my weight. In the last two years I have tried to motivate myself to lose weight and I'd do fitness and diet programs for some weeks and then just give up. I also have a hypothyroid program which I am on medication for.

The problem is that I currently live with my parents (went back to school) and my mother eats a LOT of wheat, and enjoys cheese, cakes, pizza on occasion. She often buys me chocolate bars and wants me to indulge in the food with her. I always do. The problem is also that she is post heart surgery (4 years) and I worry about her diet but she is stubborn to change and says she knows what she is doing. Therefore we cannot eat healthy together because everytime I try to have a healthy diet, I get sucked into temptation or my mother criticizes me and makes me feel bad. Because of this, I resort to eating because when I am stressed, I EAT! A lot too. My favorite is cheese, carbs... pizza, pasta oh god I could eat forever

And I have stopped exercising.

My mother is veryyyy critical and she is not obese like me, just a little overweight. She constantly tells me I am fat and laughs at me and when I confront her, she says it is a joke and she would never want to hurt me. But I don't think she can resist poking fun at me. I give up on all diet attempts because I lack extreme motivation and when I am not motivated, I cannot do anything.

I tend to join things and then quit. I did WW and quit after two weeks. I am currently joined at the gym but I never go!!! So I pay for something I never go to... it's depressing. I have a lot of issues internally, I constantly feel stressed and unable to do things. Even after I feel better about working out and eating good, I fall into this weird rut where things become too monotone (not even too hard) and I give up. I also tend to become obsessed to the point where I am like.... well I didn't work out today so why bother eating right? or "i have to work out 7 days a week to be successful and workouts like p90x!"

I am scared to do this. I am looking for support and motivation- stories of others in my boat. I have over 100 pounds to lose and my goal weight is 145. Any help? Advice? I really want to succeed but my mind gets the best of me

**(

Skrib69 · September 2013

MMMMMM, sounds like a tough position there. Apart from the obvious strong willpower required to resist the temptation of less healthy foods proffered by your mother, how would it work if you got your own meals? If you could come to some arrangement here then it would give you back some valuable control.

Alternatively, I am guessing that breakfast is like most households and you grab what you can as you rush out of the door. Lunch is at college, and the big issue is the evening meal.

Personally, I try and stick to a small breakfast such as oats or eggs, and a small lunch such as sushi or salsa with a roll and save my calories for the evening meal. Dinner can be a bit of an issue for me too. If I do this, I have around 250 calories for breakfast, around 350 for lunch, and 1000 for dinner.

It's not a perfect method, but it works for me. If you can talk to you mother and tell her what you want to achieve, I hop it would help but by the sound of things you have probably tried this already.

I wish there was a magic formula, but unfortunately there just isn't. If you really cant get anywhere with your mum, then I can see it ending in a big row or you just ignoring her. Either way, it will require the willpower to just plough on ahead. The fact that you are on here shows that you have some determination to dig deep and get the job done. Don't expect massive progress - slow and steady definitely wins this race so be patient and be determined, and use the tools available in MFP.

Good luck!

missomgitsica · September 2013

1. Start seeing a therapist for your "internal issues" and the problems you have with your mom. It will do you wonders. I couldn't even focus on getting physically healthy until I was mentally healthy.

2. If you have that much trouble with dieting, maybe look into seeing a nutritionist.

3. As much as you might worry about your mom's health, ultimately, her life is in her hands. I know that it's hard to stand up to your parents, especially when you're living with them, but you really just need to take a stand. Let her eat whatever she wants to eat, but look at it like this: you're an adult, just like she is, and you can pick what you want to eat. Do your own grocery shopping so that she has no say in it.

ingoiolo · September 2013

I cannot help you, but I wish you all the best

Myhaloslipped · September 2013

I would get a trainer at the gym. They will motivate you to exercise, help you reach your goals safely and healthily and analyze your specific needs. Also, trainers will bug the crap out of you and make you feel guilty for missing appointments. It's annoying, but it motivates me on days I feel like skipping the gym. Lol.

sarah456s · September 2013

I just started this week myself, but I will say that I have done a LOT of work over the past couple of years on trying to let go of the need for things to be perfect. Like, if I don't exercise 7 days a week, what's the point? If I don't look perfect, what's the point of trying to date? If I can't eat salad, then I won't diet. I'm in a much better place now about accepting that I am imperfect and that striving to be perfect only stresses me out.

So I think for you, try to start where you are, and accept that you can't go from zero to perfect all in one go. I started exercising this week by walking a mile. Slowly. I feel like I SHOULD do way more than that, and I know I am capable of doing more than that, but I keep telling myself that one mile is better than no miles. At least for the next week or two, then I can think about increasing. Maybe try tracking your food as is for a week, and seeing how you can cut back next week. One way might be to focus on portion size - what if you stopped eating dinner at a certain point and told your mom you were stuffed because you had a big lunch? Or if you can serve yourself, even better, you can just take a smaller portion. If you build into your plan that you are going to make small changes, then achieving those small changes will give you a real mental boost - at least it does for me.

Anyway, good luck!

nxd10 · September 2013

I would ask yourself seriously what you're scared of.

You don't need to be scared of quitting. It will just put you back where you are.

I hope you're not scared of losing weight and becoming more healthy. That is a wonderful goal to aspire to and you've taken the first step in the right direction. Did you know that on average it takes a smoker four tries before they quit? And every time they have the same chance of success. So try. Nothing to be scared of.

It sounds like you might be scared that you won't be able to change something you really want to. So you're not afraid of starting. You're afraid of failing. You can't fail if you keep trying. Every single time you log is a success. Every single day you eat too much and start again the next day is a success.

I have a fish on my ticker in honor of Dora from Finding Nemo. Her motto is 'Just keep swimming!'.

QuietBloom · September 2013

The good news is, these are all fixable things.

Not easy, but fixable. I agree that you really need to see someone about your internal issues and your relationship with your mom. Until you can get a handle on these, it is going to be super hard to stick with anything long enough to see the kind of results you are wanting.

Katla49 · September 2013

Hey everyone,

I am starting my weight loss journey tomorrow.

The problem is that I currently live with my parents (went back to school) and my mother eats a LOT of wheat, and enjoys cheese, cakes, pizza on occasion. She often buys me chocolate bars and wants me to indulge in the food with her. I always do. The problem is also that she is post heart surgery (4 years) and I worry about her diet but she is stubborn to change and says she knows what she is doing. Therefore we cannot eat healthy together because everytime I try to have a healthy diet, I get sucked into temptation or my mother criticizes me and makes me feel bad. Because of this, I resort to eating because when I am stressed, I EAT! A lot too. My favorite is cheese, carbs... pizza, pasta oh god I could eat forever And I have stopped exercising.

My mother is veryyyy critical and she is not obese like me, just a little overweight. She constantly tells me I am fat and laughs at me and when I confront her, she says it is a joke and she would never want to hurt me.

I am scared to do this. I am looking for support and motivation- stories of others in my boat. I have over 100 pounds to lose and my goal weight is 145. Any help? Advice? I really want to succeed but my mind gets the best of me **(

I shortened your message a bit. In order to be successful you will have to find a way to stay strong in your goals whether your mom is supportive or not. There is no rule that you can't eat the kinds of foods she serves in smaller portions, or choose one or two treats in a meal. Carbs are not inherently evil. There are two strategies that seem to do the most to help people successfully lose weight, portion control and abstaining from trigger foods. Measuring my portions works best for me, otherwise they tend to get bigger and bigger, resulting in no weight loss. I weigh meats and use measuring cups or dishers to measure things like rice, potatoes, and breakfast cereal. If there are certain foods that are too tempting and cause you to lose control, quit eating them. Potato chips falls into that category for me.

1. Let MFP set your calorie goals.
2. Record every bite.
3. Move more, and choose things that are fun for you. Could be dancing, roller skating or walking.
4. Drink more water.

One last thought: Everybody has bad days. Forgive yourself and start fresh the next day.

Good luck!

skywa · September 2013

if you really want something, you CAN achieve it. its all about motivating yourself, being determined, learning discipline, and taking things one day at a time.
i'm straight edge (no alcohol, drugs, cigarettes) and none of my friends are. i am surrounded by ppl on a different path than i am, and i am constantly being pressured to give in. but every time i turn them down, or make the choice i KNOW is right, i am filled with a feeling of accomplishment and self gratification. it's really the best feeling in the world, and it lasts much longer than any drink/drug ever could.
when living a fit/healthy life style becomes a joy, and not a burden, then you will find happiness in your self image, and in your self concept. its a long journey, but its also a fun and exciting one if you let it be! C:

SLLRunner · September 2013

You can live with someone under the same roof, even your parent(s), and live your own life. Tell her you will be making your own meals from now on, but that she is welcome to share them with you if she wants to. Get yourself to the gym too. Make your own choices as to what you will eat and when.

Next time your mother makes fun of you, tell her to stop. Tell her how it hurts you. If she does it again, walk away.

Next time she buys you a candy bar, or offers you a desert you really don't want, say no and stick to it.

Next time she tries to pull you into her "stuff", walk away without response.

Next time she....welll, you get the picture. You have control over your own choices and actions, she does not.

As for her health, she's in charge of herself. Take care of yourself and the rest will take care of itself.

kattahan · September 2013

Hello everyone, thank you SO much for the responses. They have really helped me, even just reading people's good words - that is something I am new to. I think I really need to stop being scared of becoming healthy

is that normal? for people who have been overweight their entire lives to actually be SCARED of looking good? I don't think I even realize how BIG i truly am!

kj26boys · September 2013

Is it possible to move out on your own? This would help TREMENDOUSLY! I also agree with most other posters in that you can achieve success even in your current circumstances. Granted it will take a little more time and will be tough but it's still doable. Also I think the counseling will help. One suggestion I would make is to make an appointment with a nutritionist or a doctor for exercise clearance. However, ask your mom if she'd go with you to your appt. Once you get there and she sees your weight and she hears what the dr will tell you, maybe that will be enough for her to see that you are serious and that you need to make changes. Perhaps this is all just a joke to her and she can't understand your sense of urgency to get your health under control. Or maybe include her on some of your counseling sessions. Either way, hopefully you get this addressed with her. I too was a fat kid, I still don't think my parents understand the toll it takes on your emotional/mental health. They grew up thin and got to do all the fun stuff and didn't become overweight until after being married and having kids. But growing up overweight is a whole different experience and maybe she can't relate.

PamGeirng · September 2013

With every excuse that you cant do it like you posted, you wont. I lead a weight loss group of 15 women and the one's who give excuses like the that are not losing and the ones who are positive are totally losing. You are already defeated. At the end of 3 months if my ladies are not succeeding I cut the dead weight and only let the ones who are trying their hardest to continue. I would write out a new dialogue of all the reasons why you can and you will and then make yourself believe it. Negative self talk is destructive. Tell yourself that you are a strong person who can succeed at anything. Until you have an I CAN and I WILL Watch Me! You wont.

bridgie101 · September 2013

You and mum definitely have codependent issues and although she probably needs therapy, you getting therapy to help you work out how to handle her is probably the next best thing. You can tell she's got issues because buying someone who's 250lb chocolate and wanting to eat it together with them is kinda sick. Maybe you can say 'hey mum, i'm not after that chocolate right now, let's play a game of cards/go for a walk/shoot some pool/some other fun instead!"

She wants to be close to you and she's learned to do it with food. Shocking really, but it happens to people without them realising it. Find alternatives to make her feel close to you and she may be able to let go of the chocolate one.

As to you: you're depressed, I would think. It's really hard to be motivated when you are depressed. Counselling for your fears might help too. And never be embarrassed to go get what you need. You could live for thirty years in this state from not getting help and what a waste of time that would be! (Yeah, speaking from personal experience. I'm 43 doing what I should have done at 23.

) Sort your life out so that it is what you want as young as you can, and have much more of your life left at the end to enjoy.

As to your general motivation, I think that comes with understanding, and accepting, finally, that there's actually no quick fix, no magic bullet, that fake pills don't work, there is no diet fairy up there that can wave a magic wand and make all this go away.

So all you have to do is keep on logging. Don't bother if you don't come in under your goal. let it go. any day under maintenance calories is a good day. Don't flog yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Be a little bit kind to you!

You is your own best friend. Be a good friend. Take your friend in hand and tell her what she needs to hear: that she's probably gorgeous, I know my daughter is and she's about your size (she's walking every night and I'm trying to convince her to log calories) and you probably only need to start losing weight to see how much better you look each day, to keep getting more motivation to keep going.

I caught myself the other day dropping my daily calories down to 700, lying on my daily log sheet. Haha. Stupid. I lost 1.5kg the first week eating what MFP said - so why try to do this any harder? Why make it hard? It's not worth the aggravation.

Softly, gently, and always log what you eat. And don't sweat the bad days. Just don't pay them any attention at all.

vivianthompson923 · September 2013

That's tough. As critical as your mother is, you have to learn to tune it out and do what's best for you. Every time you workout, focus on the one reason why you can do it instead of the millions of reasons you can't. Do you have any friends in your area that could go walk with you?? Start small. Also definitely seek counseling

thepetiterunner · September 2013

I know that it's difficult living with a critical mother - I did it for a very very long time. Even now that I've moved out, the first thing she'll say after seeing me for months is something about my appearance - a remark about my weight, my skin (if I have any acne), anything really, though she herself is overweight, on the verge of being diabetic and doesn't take care of herself.

The thing is, as some point you have to find a way to tune it out. She can say ANYTHING she wants (and will) to you, but in the end YOU are the one that makes the decision on how to handle that. It's difficult battling a behavioral cycle, but you and you alone are the only person who can change it.

You can't change her, but you sure as heck can change the way you react to her.

You have to make a choice - the same choice - a hundred times a day, day after day. Make the choice to get healthy. Make the choice to make yourself HAPPY. Happiness IS a choice. Don't let her pull you down. Choose not to respond to her. Take responsibility for yourself. It's the only thing you are responsible for.

lafilledelarue · September 2013

Dear Kattahan,
I am sending you a private email. Just check your envelope icon when you get a chance. I think I may have a suggestion that will give you something to think about. Hang in there.
PJ

Lkkiser3 · September 2013

Wow I feel like I just wrote that! Literally everything you said (except for living at home) is me! I'm 26, 5'8 an 266 lbs. I also gave up on WW and many other diets. I'm now trying really hard to take this seriously take get my life back in control! Feel free to friend me if you like! Good luck!

Sarahnade42x · September 2013

I'm sort of speechless after reading this, because every word of it really could have been written by me. A year ago I was exactly 250lbs, in school and living with my super unhealthy and overweight parents (especially mom). I know it's not easy living with people who have horrible eating habits -- I would always try to convince her to eat healthy with me or at least skip some of the cake/pizza/chips we always had around, but she never had the willpower to do it. Eventually I just decided to prioritize my own health, started doing my own healthy grocery shopping and distanced myself from my parents whenever they had bad food around. I made sure they knew it was a lifestyle choice and that I would refuse to eat their kind of food (eventually they just stopped offering it to me, which was a huge relief). It wasn't easy, but I took control and lost ~65 lbs and am still losing. Now my mom is the one asking me for help to eat healthier!
Long story short, YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS!!

sekhmet13 · September 2013

You sound a lot like me (no control and unhappy with myself). My best advice is to not think about the future, only think about today. Just for today, eat less and go to the gym. Then tomorrow, repeat. You'll know that you've done it before and you can do it again. After a while, all those days add up, and you'll be feeling better.

I'm scared

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