HELP ME with me twisted lovelife and weight loss.

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reidhershel
reidhershel Posts: 15
in Motivation and Support
HELP ME with me twisted lovelife and weight loss.

First of all, allow me to introduce myself. I’m male, gay, 25 years old and Brazilian.
Almost all my life I have struggled with being overweight.
When I was a kid, I was ok when it comes to weight. But, after 7 years old, after being really ill and taking some medicines, I’ve become obese. And after that I developed an obsessive eating pattern, eating a lot most of the time.
I’m 5.97 feet tall. At my heaviest, I weighed 333 pounds (2009, when I was 20). I successfully dropped from 333 pounds to 231 in the following year (2010). In 2011, I dropped to 197 pounds, but regained some of these back and in July, 2013, I weighed 253. Since August I started to walk a lot and I’m trying to eat healthy, and since then I weigh 235 pounds now. My diet is not the most correct one, but I’m trying.
But this information is just for all of you to understand my process.
There’s an aspect of my life that hurts me a lot when I think about it: my lovelife, my sexual life.
During my teenage years, a had a hard time accepting myself as a homosexual boy. I ate myself to death until I became numb. My first kiss happened when I was 16, as well as my first sexual experience. During all these years, I never ever had a boyfriend. I just haven’t felt confident enough to go after guys. And, every time I tried, I always got ‘’no’’ as an answer.
I only had REAL sex with one guy. I had other sexual experiences with a few ones, I kissed other ones, but the main problem with me is that I never was able to find a boyfriend because of my fear of receiving ‘’no’’ as an answer.
I fell in love three times: when I was 10; when I was 16; when I was 22. These three guys were my best friends in three different times. The first one, was a school friend. He never knew I loved him, even though it was so clear by my attitude. The second one, was my neighbor. He asked me if I was gay and if I had a crush on him, but I was so afraid of losing his friendship that I couldn’t tell him. Eventually, he dated a girl and I decided to give up forever. He didn’t know I was gay.
The third one, he was younger than me, and he knew I was gay, but even so he was always confusing me with his attitudes, saying things like ‘’one day me and you are going to have sex’’ and laughing after. He was so provocative, he was always kidding, with jokes, saying things, it gave me hope. I thought I had chances…. Until he started dating a girl. And so I gave up again.
Time passed, and here we are now. 2013.
I met a guy. He is younger than me, he’s 18. He is funny, and handsome, and he receives a lot of attention. He is GAY. Two months ago, during a game we were playing at a friend’s house, we kissed twice. The first kiss, we did it because it was a rule of the game. The second one, HE gave ME because he wanted it. We were and we still talk with each other almost every day, through facebook, whatsapp. We are always seeing each other. We go to the movies with our friends in common. We have a deep connection.
But now is the problem. I told him I loved him. It was so hard, because I never did it before. But considering he is also gay, I decided to take risks. He told me that he sees me as a friend, but that he doesn’t know what future may brings when it comes to his feelings. It can change, he said.
Soon after I told him, he decided to date a guy that he always told me he was never going to have a serious relationship. But now they relationship is getting serious.
And now I know the reason why I me and him can’t be together… I’m fat. He is always hooking up with guys who are thin and which look handsome. I know I have a pretty face and I enjoy this fact, but only my pretty face isn’t enough when I’m overweight and I have some pounds to lose until I finally look good and attractive.
This is hurting me! It hurts me only being his best friend. I told him yesterday that it was hard for me, seeing him with his boyfriend while I wanted him to be with me instead of being with his boyfriend. But what affects me the most is that I never had a boyfriend and I’m 25 years old! OH MY GOD… :/ And I know that, being overweight, by options are very reduced. Usually, guys which are interested in me are not my type, and they are few. I’m so afraid of being trapped inside this feelings for him during the whole time of my weight loss… I know that it will probably take one year to finally look good and attractive, not only for him, but for many other guys around me. But, dealing with the fact that what is left for me is being nothing but his best friends hurts me and I’m so afraid of not being able to handle this pressure and this sadness and give up my weight loss. I try to tell myself that, this time is the time when things will happen. I try to walk as much as I want and as much as I need to clear my mind, my feelings. I feel so inferior because I had few sexual experiences and I haven’t experienced loving someone and being loved in return. And it makes it harder because I’m gay! And I’m still single…
It hurts because our society is always telling us that people are worthy for what they have on the inside. But the fact is that, if people can’t be interested by yours looks, they probably won’t give you a chance to show you how amazing you are on the inside, how much love you have to give.
I considered getting away from him as an option, but I can’t: his friends and my friends are the same. The places I like to go are the same places that he likes to go. I don’t have too many options right now.
HELP ME. What would you do? What do you think I should do? I already told him everything I feel. He feels so sorry that he hurts me, but I told him he is not the one to blame, because he deserves to be happy, with or without me.
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Replies

  • tlou5
    tlou5 Posts: 497 Member
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    I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. You seem like a very nice person and please remember that although appearance may result in the INITIATION of many relationships it is what is on your inside that will maintain them. Is there any chance of asking your friends to set you up with someone? Maybe they would know someone outside of your immediate circle of friends that would be a good match for you.

    Hang in there, it took me YEARS before I met the right one, and my husband was SOOOOO worth the wait. The right one is out there and will find you some day.
  • FourIsCompany
    FourIsCompany Posts: 269 Member
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    You asked for help. :)

    Forget about your love life for now. What do you want for YOURSELF? Do you want to be slender and healthy? If you do it only to get a boyfriend, then once you have him, will you gain weight again? I know it may not seem like it, but you're young! You have many years ahead to get your stuff together and naturally attract someone that you deserve.

    Start thinking about yourself and what you want for you. All your focus seems to be on having a boyfriend. Turn your focus inward and do what you KNOW you need to do to improve your physical appearance, self-esteem and confidence. There's NOTHING sexier than a confident man (not arrogant).

    Find a weightlifting program or group here and start there. You can transform yourself. And you should do it FOR YOU.

    I was 31 and 185 lb female when I met my husband of 21 years. Hang in there!
  • NickieCR1
    NickieCR1 Posts: 20
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    I don't think you should concentrate on the bad you have had in life but what you have to look forward to in the future...weight loss is the first thing that has made me happy in a long time the motivation and the feeling of my success in reducing my weight.

    I will help support you while you get closer to your goal and during the time you are losing weight you have no idea what is going to happen, you may meet someone who you think is awesome and will support you on your weight loss journey.

    Don't do things for other people do it for yourself..
  • faithdanyell
    faithdanyell Posts: 30 Member
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    I wish you feel better soon, you should not feel so desperate in you life now. You are a young man with a lot of life ahead of you. Don't be so longing for someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you. You deserve to have someone love you completely. I think you should focus on your happiness and living a healthy positive life style. Love should be mutual not one sided. Read some books or article on healthy self-esteem and what a healthy relationship looks like.

    There are many people of heavier weights that find mates that truly love them, also look at the type of guys you are attracted do and ask yourself why. It seems like this last guy was not honest with you about not being interested or you made it uncomfortable for him to tell you his true feelings.

    Being needy and desperate in a relationship is a turn off and a healthy minded person will turn away from that, and an unhealthy minded person will exploit that desperateness and take advantage of you.

    Please learn to love yourself....
  • MMMendoza007
    MMMendoza007 Posts: 157 Member
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    Quit it. You're acting desperate. And THAT is the most unattractive quality of all. The guy told you straight up. You have your answer. After that, you're just wasting time. It's time to hitch up your britches and move on.

    I always hear that B.S. (I'm sorry but that's what it is) about loving a person for what's on the inside. That's such crap. Yes, in a perfect world, that's how life would be. But it's not. And sitting around bemoaning that fact isn't going to change it or help you. How many people that you are truly NOT attracted to do you tell yourself, "I should give them a chance, because after all, it's what's on the inside that counts." The elements that create the spark of attraction are different for each person. What's important, what "does it" for someone is a very individual thing. You can't force what isn't there.

    Stop placing so much emphasis on your weight being a deciding factor in a relationship. There are people out there for all body types. Just because you haven't met them yet doesn't mean they don't exist.

    I think first, you should concentrate on yourself. You should get to a weight...whatever weight that is...that YOU feel good at. YOU need to love yourself. YOU need to feel that you are at your best. Then you will be able to move forward and be a good partner to whomever you fall in love with.
  • gwenr
    gwenr Posts: 139 Member
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    Relationships are really tough. I think you should really focus on yourself, what you want, what will make YOU happy. Work toward being what you want to be physically. You're not unloveable, you just haven't met the right person for you yet. But he's out there. I know it doesn't feel this way now, but you're so so young and you have lots of time to build the life you want. Perhaps a talk with a therapist would help you.

    All of that said, I have some gay acquaintances and I do know that there is a heavy focus on physical appearance within the gay community that doesn't exist at the same level as in the heterosexual community.

    I'm sorry you're feeling lonely in your life right now. Hang in there, you sound like a very sweet, kind man.
  • reidhershel
    reidhershel Posts: 15
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    Thank you for all the kind words. Each one of you.

    In my case... the hardest part is to give up on him completely.
    It's hard to admit that ... ''It's not gonna happen. It's not the right guy. It's not going to happen with him. It's time to give up on him and to move on.''

    If we never kissed, if our friendship wasn't so unusual... we are always together, we have too much physical contact... he is always touching me... he sent me very private pictures... if you understand what I mean... he always kidding and saying that one day we're going to have sex. He once told me I was attractive to him, and he told me that he is not prepared now to have sex with me, but one day he will, but he doesn't know when.
    When we are together, it really seems that we are boyfriends. People are always asking us if we have some kind of serious relationship, and we're always telling them that we're not boyfriends, only friends.
    When he walks by my side, he puts his hands on my shoulder and never lets me go. He is always trying to touch me in public, (that kind of touch... you know? in some private parts) , but this attitude seems like he is only kidding, it's like he wants me to laugh. But it makes me feel different on the inside. We also have very very dirty mouths and we talk TO EACH OTHER very dirty things, like ''I'm gonna do (...) with you'' and we describe to each other what would we do. This is usually done in public and among our mutual friends. He only behaves like this with me. With our other friends, he is neutral or he does it much less frequently. This are the reasons that made me think ''I Have a chance!!''
    This is what gave me courage to tell him and gave me hope. But the way he acts... probably he wants me to keep waiting, waiting for a thing that will never happen, or a thing that will happen only when HE wants. And what about my feelings? Is it fair do keep waiting forever? He told me his feelings for me can change in the future, but now he prefers to be only me friend. Maybe he wants me to be his last option... Maybe he doesn't want me to give up. Maybe it's good for his ego... but it's not good for mine.
  • reidhershel
    reidhershel Posts: 15
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    Thank you all for saying that I am young. Sometimes I feel as if my life has passed and nothing has been done, even if I had finished college. I feel very old for how a 25-year-old person should feel.
  • Lemongrab1
    Lemongrab1 Posts: 158 Member
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    Omg, this would have been a TLDR moment...except I did read it. :frown:

    You're focusing way too much on other people. How are they relevant to your body goals? I understand you're saying that it's making you depressed and therefore encouraging you to eat, but that's a pattern you yourself have to break. Depending on how lovers/wannabe lovers treat you to decide whether or not you're going to lose weight is just a recipe for failure.

    Also, while I agree that you're young, you're not SO young that you should be 'falling in love' with whoever gives you the time of day. It comes off more as desperation than being truly love sick.
    And despite what others would have us believe, people want to be attracted to the one they're with. They want to be proud of their boyfriend/girlfriend. That doesn't mean you need to have a body like Rocky, but the hard truth is that the amount of men who will go for you is much more likely to rise once you're lighter.

    But I have a feeling your lack of dating success is more to do with your attitude. "OMG I'M 25 AND HAVE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND! WILL YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND? I LOVE YOU!"

    Yeah, no. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but once you sort out what's going on inside (by yourself) you'll have an easier time sorting your body out and an easier time socializing. Once you learn that what you look like is only dependant on you, you'll be fine.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
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    If we never kissed, if our friendship wasn't so unusual... we are always together, we have too much physical contact... he is always touching me... he sent me very private pictures... if you understand what I mean... he always kidding and saying that one day we're going to have sex. He once told me I was attractive to him, and he told me that he is not prepared now to have sex with me, but one day he will, but he doesn't know when.
    When we are together, it really seems that we are boyfriends. People are always asking us if we have some kind of serious relationship, and we're always telling them that we're not boyfriends, only friends.
    When he walks by my side, he puts his hands on my shoulder and never lets me go. He is always trying to touch me in public, (that kind of touch... you know? in some private parts) , but this attitude seems like he is only kidding, it's like he wants me to laugh. But it makes me feel different on the inside. We also have very very dirty mouths and we talk TO EACH OTHER very dirty things, like ''I'm gonna do (...) with you'' and we describe to each other what would we do. This is usually done in public and among our mutual friends. He only behaves like this with me. With our other friends, he is neutral or he does it much less frequently. This are the reasons that made me think ''I Have a chance!!''
    This is what gave me courage to tell him and gave me hope. But the way he acts... probably he wants me to keep waiting, waiting for a thing that will never happen, or a thing that will happen only when HE wants. And what about my feelings? Is it fair do keep waiting forever? He told me his feelings for me can change in the future, but now he prefers to be only me friend. Maybe he wants me to be his last option... Maybe he doesn't want me to give up. Maybe it's good for his ego... but it's not good for mine.

    He is such a tease. Get rid of him. It's stroking his ego and making you feel bad. Your worth is not determined by your weight, and you should never keep someone around who makes you feel like that. Especially when it's all just a twisted game to him.
  • reidhershel
    reidhershel Posts: 15
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    Probably he's just so selfish, and I've been so frail emotionally, it's such a deadly combination. =/ I wish it never happened. And I still need to deal with it and also lose weight.
  • mrs_n_mommy
    mrs_n_mommy Posts: 20 Member
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    As difficult as it is, in my opinion you should concentrate on yourself now...get healthy get fit..may be concentrate on studies or work...these are the things that are in your hands...its takes 2 to fall in love...it will happen when the time is right...u seem like a nice boy..u will meet ur mr.right soon...best wishes...
  • reidhershel
    reidhershel Posts: 15
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    And despite what others would have us believe, people want to be attracted to the one they're with. They want to be proud of their boyfriend/girlfriend. That doesn't mean you need to have a body like Rocky, but the hard truth is that the amount of men who will go for you is much more likely to rise once you're lighter.

    I agree.
  • reidhershel
    reidhershel Posts: 15
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    Thank you. I agree, I should focus on exercising and studying more.
  • theoriginaljayne
    theoriginaljayne Posts: 562 Member
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    He is such a tease. Get rid of him. It's stroking his ego and making you feel bad. Your worth is not determined by your weight, and you should never keep someone around who makes you feel like that. Especially when it's all just a twisted game to him.

    This.
  • Sporks42
    Sporks42 Posts: 44 Member
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    Probably he's just so selfish, and I've been so frail emotionally, it's such a deadly combination. =/ I wish it never happened. And I still need to deal with it and also lose weight.

    I spent a lot of time wishing the guy who was flirty and nice to me would want a relationship with me at the same level. It never happened, even when he told me his feelings could change, basically what this guy is doing to you. I'm coming to find that if someone wants to be with you they will make it happen. He took another boyfriend, even after you told him you wanted him. I honestly think he's just stroking his ego with you on the side, if he wanted to be with you but was waiting for the right feelings he wouldn't have taken another guy.

    Listen to the other posters, they are very correct. I decided when I got to college that I would focus on my school, and two years later the man of my dreams swept me off my feet. I honestly believe that you can't go looking for love, it will find you. Nothing is more attractive than a guy who is confident. You need to find your confidence and stop begging for love, if you need to loose weight to be confident then do so, look at your past weight-loss successes and use them as motivation. Forget the guy, he's taken, you can either be miserable chasing after a taken man, or take steps to get confident and happy so you can have a better life. Just think, right now you don't even love yourself, how is someone else supposed to love you for two?
  • WeepingAngel81
    WeepingAngel81 Posts: 2,232 Member
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    First of all, you need to learn how to be alone. I know you haven't had that special someone yet, but it sounds as though you have focused so much of your energy into finding a partner that you have no idea how to just be youself. There is nothing wrong with being single, but when you become desperate you are going to find yourself in a bad relationship. You need to start focusing on your health.
    Second, don't focus on your health becuase you think it'll will land you a significant other, focus on your health becuase it's what's good for you!
    Finally, stop waisting your time on people who don't want to be in your life and starting surrounding yourself with people who are going to be a positive influence.
  • thesophierose
    thesophierose Posts: 754 Member
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    You seem like such a lovely being!! But you are human so these feelings creep on you but it can take years before you find the one, but my advice is to stop looking for him and he will find you. Focus more on you. On making your self esteem boost, you can do it! Find inner confidence. Focus on your health not so much a companion. You have friends, be with them, be with yourself and I do promise that your love will come find you.

    You've got this.
  • Koldnomore
    Koldnomore Posts: 1,613 Member
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    The problem in my eyes is that you have somehow managed to convince yourself based on the events of your life that you are not worthy of being loved and do not deserve to reach your goals (whatever they are).

    At 25 you already feel like your life is over.. why? So your overweight, so you're single? Ok.. Plenty of people are overweight and single, just as many as are normal weight and single. Your weight has nothing to do with your inability to attract a partner. You are desperate..people can see that. It's not attractive. It's not because your gay or straight or fat or skinny or purple.. You have written yourself off.

    I was 36 when I met the ONE man in my life that I have ever really loved - sure there have been boys who liked me, wanted to be with me, or like you - teased me and played with my feelings. I was even married once because I had completely convinced myself that omg if I didn't get married soon no one would ever want me.

    I stayed with someone for 10 YEARS who never loved me because I thought that it would make me happy, that no one else would ever want me because I was fat.. I was wrong. I finally gave up on love and just decided to live my life. To do what -I- wanted to do. I made a list in my head of what qualities I wanted in a partner..it was not an easy list to meet and so many people told me I never would but you know what? I did't care. I wanted to be ME and if someone couldn't love ME I wasn't about to go changing myself just to have someone tell me they loved me (because it wouldn't be me at all). I moved to another city where I had family, joined a gym because I felt like getting healthier, started losing some weight, got another job and just started focusing on myself for once instead of trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted.

    It took me 6 years after I separated to figure out who -I- was. I met my soul mate at just about my heaviest weight and he loved me unconditionally even when I kept gaining weight because he WAS the right person for me. There is someone out there for you too but you need to get your head together and decide who you are and what you want first. Focus on yourself - everything else will come together.
  • reidhershel
    reidhershel Posts: 15
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    The problem in my eyes is that you have somehow managed to convince yourself based on the events of your life that you are not worthy of being loved and do not deserve to reach your goals (whatever they are).

    Yes. That's the main reason why I'm feeling this way.
    I always had problems with self esteem, self confidence.
    I've been bullied. it hasn't been easy. it's seems like my heart is divided: half of it says that I'm not worthy, that I am weak... and half of it says that I am worthy, that I am beautiful, that I am able, that one day I will truly shine. I'm trying to listen to the second half... I walk a lot as a way of releasing this pain. Sometimes I can't even cry.

    I am desperate for being loved because I never was. I wasn't exactly chasing a boyfriend this year... I was letting it happen... until it came, and I thought this was my perfect chance, but it's not, so I'm disappointed, and trying to fix my heart. It's so broken, I didn't want it. :/

    Everybody says I'm worthy, I'm beautiful on the inside. My friends say to me that I will overcome it. I'm trying sooo hard to believe. All I have to do now is to believe.

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