Struggling with doing it for ME

I have been back and forth so many times with exercising and eating right. I've realized that I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and do this for only me, but I am having a hard time putting that into force if that makes sense.

Example: today is my birthday.. Not that it has anything to do with it, but we have in the past kind of made birthdays a pretty important day around here. I got dressed up, full make up and hair, and felt pretty damn good about myself, and do you think my husband had one nice compliment to send my way? We went out to eat and had a few drinks, and afterwards, when I tried to show a little bit of affection, I got a dirty look and "will you just stop it?"

Talk about a shot to the self esteem. He didn't used to be that way, and I really think I am just an embarrassment to him. I am fat, I am not even remotely attractive, but jeez, isn't he supposed to love me unconditionally? I feel like I love him for all of his flaws, why is it not the same in return?

This TRULY is not a "woe is me" or PVM post...it's really not. I just wanna know how you went from doing it for others to doing it for yourself. I always start out thinking I'm doing it for me, but then stuff like this happens and I think "why even bother"?

Help me figure out how to do this for ME!

I had a husband like that. Note the past tense.

17 yrs. And for the last 15 of them he did not find me attractive. I was maybe 80kg. What's that? 170lb?

I felt lower than dirt. All those years. I was actually quite sexy in my way, but not to him. No. To him I was untouchable.

then I got out. After a bit of a crisis I'm doing it all for me.

It's easier with him out of the picture because dieting doesn't mean that all the grief and humiliation come back to swamp me.

I think you have to reevaluate yourself. Maybe go for a holiday by yourself to a nice beach house. Alone.

Just get some mojo back. When you're in touch with your core, or centre or whatever people call it, you sail through life and see other people's rubbish as simply being a sign of where they're at, rather than you.

Go look in the mirror and find 5 things YOU LOVE ABOUT YOU! I had the same issue with the husband and I no longer give a flying *uck about what he thinks.

I AM WORTH IT! I want to look good naked! Not just passable, but I want to look good for me. I want to look into the mirror and be able to tell myself that I am as SEXY physically as I feel mentally. I want to feel more sexy than I do now. I want to be able to turn heads.

I stopped caring about what he said. It's some of his comments and actions that have fueled this inside me. Just know that you can do this!!

I suck at it just like you, but when it comes to weight loss it is you and you alone who determines how bad you want it. On a bright note you just might lose the weight and leave that fool.

Honestly, you have two separate problems here. 1. You want/need to lose weight. 2. You believe that your husband finds you completely unattractive and is embarrassed by you. Losing all the weight in the world won't solve problem number 2, and as long as you believe problem 2 is caused by problem 1, you're going to have resentment and anger, and that is going to make it harder to succeed.

Talk to your husband, look into couples' counseling, do something about your marriage. When you love yourself and are happy, then doing it "for you" will come much more easily because you truly WIlL be doing it for you rather than doing really for your husband while doing it in spite of him.

^This. What you believe and what is actually going on may be different. Better advice than the automatic response of "leave him" that always seems to pop up from the very beginning...

First off, Happy Birthday!!! When did your husbands attitude change? Are you losing weight because of his attitude, or did his attitude change because you are losing weight!

If you are trying to lose weight to make your husband happy, it will never work and even at that point, he wont treat you better. You need to make a list of the reason you want to lose weight for yourself.

Health
Appearance
Energy etc.

Only you can make your list!! Be brutally honest with yourself!!! Then, keep on doing what you have done to lose your 12 poinds and read your list to remind yourself of why you are ding this!! That is doing it for you!!!

I'm sorry to hear you are sad on your birthday. Men just are not in touch with feelings. They are visual. That doesn't make them bad people but it stinks when they marry you for better or worse and then renig on their promise.

I have been where you are for a long, long time. I have been feeling really depressed for a few weeks because I cannot find a job and then I want to eat for my feelings. I got a second wind last night and found myself someone who I can look up to and even contact if I need to. I watched The Biggest Loser a few seasons ago and Hannah and Olivia, who are sisters, weighed just about what I weigh. Hannah won 1st place losing 129 pounds and Olivia was right behind her in second place with 122 pounds lost. I have made Hannah my wallpaper so every day when I turn on my computer there she is, BIG and little, before and after. I know I can't lose as fast as they did because I can't do as much hard work in a day as they did. I figured out that they lost about 5,5 pounds a week for 22 weeks. I feel I can lose 2 pounds a week in that time. They have a web site called Myfitspiration.com. They are on facebook and twitter and they love answering questions from people trying to lose weight. They also have quite a few UTube videos under myfitspiration. They are just normal women and they are funny and want to help.

I have the same problem as you, I start out doing well for myself and then I lose my motivation and just figure what is the use. Well, every time I quit I feel worse. I want to keep going and get the weight off this time. I am trying to set up a no-fail way for myself. I'm keeping a food diary here on MFP and exercise every day unless I'm downright sick. I'm going to give myself a goal like a new blouse or pants in a smaller size or a new haircut or mani-pedi. I get 1 point for every 1/2 hour of exercise, 1 point for staying at or below my calorie leve each dayl, 1/4 of a point for every time I have a craving for something I should not eat and I don't eat it or I trade it for something healthy like an apple. I'm thinking up new points right now. When I get 100 points I can get something on my goal list. I also have a good friend who I met on this site and we help each other. I also just joined the Biggest Loser Challenge group. It is from October 1 to December 31. If I can stay on track during all those candy eating holidays it should be a snap to keep going. You can friend me if you want and we can help each other.

Happy Birthday, what is left of it and tomorrow is the 1st day of the rest of your life. Make it better for YOU!!

And I just want to say that I often get that "I'll show him!" attitude. But then this crap happens and I get shot down and blah! I just wanna be able to not care! I hate to say it, but we've only been married a little over a year, a second marriage for us both. This shouldn't be happening already, right?

I have had others tell me I look nice and such, but the only opinion that is mattering is his. And I don't want it to be that way!

have you packed on the podge recently, or were you this size when you met him? Guys spend a lot of time chuntering down at the pub about women who get married and then turn sumo.

They're already scared of it, they're already resentful of it, their backs are up.

I never could diet in order to 'show' him. I always fizzled. The anger would die, and then the energy would go.

The other thing that happened was I would get horny, basically, and then I would get depressed about him never going near me again, and it would all just turn to custard and finally I would just throw all my energy into the children and ignore it some more.

Even though I am a guy .. what your husband did is just rude. But then again .. I was married once and I did some rude things. But I don't think ever quite like that. I always felt that my ex wife was hot and sexy. Still do .. but we had our issues and things pretty much fell apart.

So .. happy birthday and your husband really needs to improve that attitude.

Hey Bridgie,
1st! I Hope you had a Happy Birthday, after all it was YOUR SPECIAL DAY!!!!
Please don't call yourself fat, that is degrading yourself, just say you're out of shape and want to Get fit!
Now doesn't that sound better? I guess A lot of people are more critical of themselves than they have to be!
Any gal can give herself a makeover anytime she wants, and it's all the rage, soooo Trendy! So how do you get motivated?
I am a former fitness instructor, Body builder, and casino cocktail server. I am now 60 years old and I still strength train! The hardest thing is to stand up and then move! Once you do that the motivation comes. For me I put music videos on, get up and dance a little, feel good, and I'm ready to get out the door and walk! On the flip side of the coin it I get up, get on the computer or turn on the TV , I'm not going anywhere! I also am on medications because of a robbery and my metabolism is out of whack! The weight I gained from that I lost, but then my boyfriend had a stroke, and he had to stop smoking and to support him, we went on the buddy system.

That was last year a few days before Thanksgiving, and the turkey we never got! LOL I didn't change my eating habits at all but I did gain 10 lbs which I am working on getting off! I take a walk everyday, and I strength train with dumbbells still. you can find fitness in almost everything you do! ex.... when you're on the phone pace from room to room, don't sit. during commercials get up and stretch and do a few lunges, even legs spread and lunging from side to side! I watch TV and with my bells, I do bicep curls, or wall sit, and wall push ups easy peasy, and you're still doing something! The main thing is to get your body in motion, that's why I love walking. You can start with 10 minutes, then 15 min and keep adding to it, you'd be surprised how quickly you work up to a mile! This will sound strange, but after my walk, I go to the kids playground and I swing for a while! I'm stretching my legs after my walk when I do this! You also have to believe in yourself, and have other people to support you, which you can get right here! I great group of people always encouraging each other, celebrating a success not matter how big or small, and supporting someone when they fall and helping them get back up! We also defend each other. The one thing I want to caution you on, only because old habits are hard to break, is your talking about starting then stopping! No yo yoing, it's very bad for you and puts too much of a strain on your body because it doesn't know what to expect next! It sounds to me as if you just need a daily routine set in place, and to also change your attitude about yourself! A little self esteem coaching can go a long way, and most men are mum
on the subject, so you don't get support from them! You have to build you self confidence, and here other members will pat you on the back for every little bit of progress you make. You'll make lots of friends, some will weigh more than you and some will weigh less, but everyone is here for the same reason! So welcome aboard, and I hope to hear from you soon. If I can offer you any assistance in anyway...just ask! :flowerforyou: Best wishes for a successful new you!

I also wonder whether the issues are actually with him. Maybe he's been feeling down, maybe he's having problems or stress. It doesn't mean he should be nasty to you, but I just wanted to float the option that maybe his bad mood had nothing to do with you. Maybe he's got problems with his manhood and was scared that you'd find out, especially now that you have started to take better care of yourself and might leave him for a better partner.

Obviously it could also be that he's a miserable sod who doesn't deserve you, but there are other options. Hang in there :-)

I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad bday! I struggle with "doing it for me" and staying motivated too, so I can't help you much there. But for your other concern, about your husband not finding you attractive so soon after you married, I don’t think it has anything to do with your weight because, as you said, you didn’t gain much and he was happy before. I think you should take the focus off of you and put it on him. Stop trying to make him think you are attractive, and instead, let him know you think HE is attractive. Yes, men are attracted to women because of physical traits, but men also respond well to women who make them feel good about themselves. So instead of hoping for compliments from him, give HIM a complement. Tell him the shirt he is wearing complements the color of his eyes or something like that. Men are expected to give women complements, but no one ever tells them they look good! Or bring up something he does in your relationship that is considered "manly" and praise him for it--maybe he's a good provider, or he's handy around the house. Be subtle about it...you could say something like "one of the girls at work has to call in a contractor to help her with X and it’s going to cost her a lot of money, it's too bad her husband isn't handy like you honey". Then drop it—don’t lay it on too thick. Say something like this once a day or at least once every other day, and I think his attitude to you will improve. Many years ago I was a single gal living with a married couple. The woman was well over 350 lbs and her (relatively fit, thin) husband just worshiped her. I saw this old little book on her bookshelf called “Light His Fire” and thought that I could probably learn a thing or two from the book because clearly, it was working for her! The book was all about making men feel good, so they want to make you feel good too. I had been dating this great guy for a few years, but he didn’t want to commit to an exclusive relationship. The tips in the book worked really well—we’ve been married seven years now and I still remember and use them! (Another good tip from the book—always, ALWAYS be thrilled and appreciative when your husband buys you something, even if you don’t like it. And then wear it/use it, whatever. When you complain, you make him feel like a failure and are just training him to stop buying things for you!!) You can’t change your husband or his behavior, but you can change how you act towards him and THAT might get you the response you want from him. Good luck!