My boyfriend's weight gain - advice on how to talk to him!

mmazelev
mmazelev Posts: 12
in Motivation and Support
When my bf and I started re-dating (broke up for a little and got back together) we were both at our ideal weight.
But now... while I've been working hard to lose my final 10 (grr), he's been steadily gaining weight.
Like to the point of him having a large protruding belly..

In addition to how difficult it is to keep from eating some of the yucky yummies he brings home...
it's also becoming a turn off....
I love him and still find him attractive, but not like before... and I HATE to say it, but it's true.
We used to be on MFP together, but he just stopped using it (I have too but, I have a strict menu/diet so I already know all my calories) but I did promise him I would use it if he would.
I don't want this to grow into something worse.

How should I go about politely expressing my feelings about this to him?

So to clarify I want to convey to him that:

I am still attracted to him and still love him the same
I would like for him to consider losing weight -
~ because he would have more energy and feel better about himself
~it would help his mood swings (he's been pretty grumpy!)
~ it would help our sex life (and this is the toughy!) because I would be MORE physically attracted to him and he'd have more stamina
~it would help me to achieve my weight loss goals
~ and possibly get us to spend more time together doing some sort of fun physical activity

I KNOW he can't change unless he really wants to, I just want to help him to get to that point..

Can anyone help me articulate this in the best possible way? I was thinking it might be best to email or text this to him...
I'd rather not say it in person, just cuz I think he'd be embarrassed.
This way, he could have some time to think about it and hit me back with a well thought out response...?

Help :ohwell:
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Replies

  • lucan07
    lucan07 Posts: 509
    How about getting out the old photo's and dropping into conversation "you looked so much better without the twelve pack!"

    Only you know the guy if you can't talk about it, maybe start taking him for a good hike or long bike ride and when he struggles to keep up with you he may work it out for himself.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    if he's grumpy/tired etc, maybe the weight gain is just a symptom of depression over something else? hows work/other family life etc? it doesnt sound like it is just that he's got 'fat and happy' being in a relationship.

    maybe just suggest the fun pysical activity to spend more time together anyway, then at least he's getting some exercise in?
  • mmazelev
    mmazelev Posts: 12
    That's great advice, only I took him on a hike with me 3 weeks ago and he was so out of shape one of his feet swelled up and he could hardly walk the next couple of days :(
    Now he uses it as an excuse not to go anymore :(:(

    BUT - I LOVE the idea of showing him an old picture and maybe having a new one right next to it?
  • mmazelev
    mmazelev Posts: 12
    He seems to be pretty happy. He just gets grumpy when there's physical activity involved lol.
    Any suggestions besides biking/hiking for an activity?
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    He seems to be pretty happy. He just gets grumpy when there's physical activity involved lol.
    Any suggestions besides biking/hiking for an activity?

    me and my husband play badminton? what about horse riding, skiing/snowboarding? to be fair though if he doesnt want to do physical activity, then it'll be hard to find something fun!

    maybe just email what you wrote in your OP?
  • CollieFit
    CollieFit Posts: 1,683 Member
    So... to sum up... you want to send him a text to tell him he needs to lose some weight so you find him more attractive again...

    Yeah that'll go down really well. :huh:

    Have you ever considered how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot?
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    So... to sum up... you want to send him a text to tell him he needs to lose some weight so you find him more attractive again...

    Yeah that'll go down really well. :huh:

    Have you ever considered how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

    My husband and i agreed that if either of us got overweight so we became less attractive, that we should be told...
  • qtgonewild
    qtgonewild Posts: 1,930 Member
    this is not going to end well. how would you like it if the tables were turned. I think he knows very well hes getting a belly. ot you can just say sorry honey, you need to lose weight before im completely unattracted to you. :/
  • ElliottTN
    ElliottTN Posts: 1,614 Member
    Make him go get his yearly physical. Let the doctors break the hard news to him when he gets his results back then play the good guy as "I'm going to help you fix this bc I care about you and your health."

    Stealth mother Fin mind ninja mode unlocked.
  • LarryDUk
    LarryDUk Posts: 279 Member
    How long have you been together? My advice - Get off the Internet and talk to him.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    So... to sum up... you want to send him a text to tell him he needs to lose some weight so you find him more attractive again...

    Yeah that'll go down really well. :huh:

    Have you ever considered how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

    My husband and i agreed that if either of us got overweight so we became less attractive, that we should be told...
    Is the OP your husband? Because if not, I don't see the relevance here. I'm betting they have no such agreement.

    I'm also betting the BF knows he's overweight and out of shape and probably doesn't care. If he did, he'd do something about it.

    There is no nice way to tell your SO you don't find him attractive. But if you must, take the Band-Aid approach, I guess.
  • RuleFive
    RuleFive Posts: 880 Member
    Just break up.
  • crackur
    crackur Posts: 473 Member
    So... to sum up... you want to send him a text to tell him he needs to lose some weight so you find him more attractive again...

    Yeah that'll go down really well. :huh:

    Have you ever considered how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

    My husband and i agreed that if either of us got overweight so we became less attractive, that we should be told...
    yeah whatever, no one wants to be told they are fat

    its like saying hey hun I'm working out ......u wanna join me? what? are you calling me fat so I should work out with it.


    Yeah right....no polite way of saying it without someone getting pissed about it LOL
  • AllanMisner
    AllanMisner Posts: 4,140 Member
    The short answer is he won't change unless he wants to. Beyond that, rather than focus on weight, focus on health and longevity. Telling him you want both of you to be able to enjoy your lives for the long run. If he can't make a commitment to your future, then you have to question whether he's the right man for you.
  • thepetiterunner
    thepetiterunner Posts: 1,238 Member
    I think you're going to need to have this conversation face to face. Even if you email or text it, you're going to have to deal with how he responds to it after right? Unless you were planning on having a silent email-text only conversation about this seemingly semi-large issue you have.

    As you have acknowledged, we all get on this path of our own choosing. I'm not sure how much this may or may not affect his "wanting" to, as it may just make him feel like "well I have to do this for her" kind of a thing. I guess it really just depends on what your relationship is like.

    I mean, if you guys are outdoorsy, you could set some goals for each other like "I'd really like to climb Half Dome at Yosemite and I'd really like for it to be something we do together", or "I'd like to run a half marathon with you". Might be a better route.
  • mmazelev
    mmazelev Posts: 12
    So... to sum up... you want to send him a text to tell him he needs to lose some weight so you find him more attractive again...

    Yeah that'll go down really well. :huh:

    Have you ever considered how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

    My husband and i agreed that if either of us got overweight so we became less attractive, that we should be told...

    @TavistockToad - Exactly!

    @size10againx @qtgonewild - Of course I wouldn't say to him that I think he's fat and he needs to lose weight, but I need to be honest with him.

    Which is why I posed the question - what's the best way to do this without sounding like I'm attacking him.

    And if the shoe was on the other foot, I hope he would do the same thing.. find a gentle way to tell me he thinks it would be best for me to lose some weight.

    It isn't exactly a delight to hear, but in the long run it should help

    For example: You have food stuck in your teeth all day... wouldn't you prefer someone tell you so you can fix the problem, even if you feeling embarrassed for a short amount of time?
    Maybe he just needs a wakeup call? I know when I got big, I didn't notice until I saw myself in a video - which woke me the **** up :(
  • PennyM140
    PennyM140 Posts: 423 Member
    Can you love him if he's overweight and out of shape? Because he's the only one who can change that. Even if you tell him you're unhappy with the way he looks, he's not going to change unless he is unhappy with the way he looks and is ready to change.
    I agree with others, he know he's getting fat. So ask him if he wants help/support losing weight? If he doesn't, are you prepared to live with him the way he is? Or possibly bigger than he is now?

    ETA: my husband is over weight, has been for years. No amount of me nagging him to diet or exercise has helped. The only thing that seems to have helped at all is him seeing me sticking with it and actually losing some weight and being more active.
  • MissKitty9
    MissKitty9 Posts: 224 Member
    I really don't think you should do it via text or email--- YOU might feel less awkward, but imagine how awkward it'll be for him to get a text like that? :noway:

    If you're less attracted to him & he's been ~steadily~ gaining, I do think it's alright to say something though. IN PERSON. Where he can decipher your tone. Likely, he's aware that he's got a belly. So maybe just ask open-ended questions (i.e. "Are you happy with the way you look now?" "Have you thought about exercising more?") & see what he says. Maybe he's already motivated, but just hasn't gotten to the point of taking action yet.
  • hungryhobbit1
    hungryhobbit1 Posts: 259 Member
    He has to want to change, for himself. That having been said you can and should let him know how much it bothers you when he brings crap food into the house, and how much you'd like him to come do some things outside with you. These are things that are affecting *you."
  • Commander_Keen
    Commander_Keen Posts: 1,179 Member
    just tell him, if he runs 12miles a day, you will clean his pipes.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    TavistockToad - Exactly!

    So you and your BF have this same agreement? If so, then just tell him.
  • gelendestrasse
    gelendestrasse Posts: 204
    Well, I link eating, especially "comfort foods" and snacks to being stressed. So even if he's happy he could still be wanting to eat just because. Also, I found out (the hard way) that a guy's metabolism can suddenly shift sometime in the 20s. Might have to do with a desk job, might have to do with age, lots of things. But you need to exercise to get the metabolism back up.

    Of course when it comes to conversations about weight most people need a baseball bat approach. Mine was contemplating diabetes. Not hanging with needles, I have a thing about that. So I lost 50# and need to loose 20 more.

    If you want to be "gentle" about it buy a decent tandem bike and drag him (literally?) along for 30-60 minutes a night. Pickle ball, maybe? I don't know how you talk to somebody about starting to loose weight. Perhaps a counselor would have better suggestions.

    Good luck. Hey, you're trying. That's a positive.
  • joleciamichelle
    joleciamichelle Posts: 139 Member
    It may be helpful to just talk to him about your struggle and ask him for his help/support in reaching your goals. Tell him that you love him so much and you need his support in getting healthier. It is hard for you when he is bringing home junk food and not supporting you by being more active. Just ask him to commit to bringing home less (or no) junk food and doing a couple of fun (physical) activities with you a week not for weight loss or anything but solely for relationship maintenance and supporting his girlfriend in her endeavors to be healthier. Don't hide the fact that you would want both of you to be healthier but just be honest that you love him and are attracted to him no matter what and you know you can't make him change, but you need him to be on board at least somewhat to support your lifestyle changes and ideally that you'd want for both of you to benefit by getting healthy and growing closer to each other by doing this together. Every woman has to have this conversation with their mate when they embark on losing weight, whether their mate struggles with the same things or not.
  • FourIsCompany
    FourIsCompany Posts: 269 Member
    The best way is to find HIS value in getting in shape, not to talk about what it would do for you. Is there something he used to love to do but can no longer do because of his weight? Maybe if YOU started doing those activities, he'd want to join you... Take videos and pictures of him. Make sure he sees them.

    Good luck!
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    there is no advice for you because he wont change unless he wants to change. Your choices are to continue modeling health and hope he picks it up or move on from this relationship.

    sorry didnt read your full post the best way to approach it is just be honest. Are you more concerned with his health or attractiveness? Both are valid reasons. It's hard to bring in the health part if he is healthy. Just be honest, kind, and loving. Face to face you give him the information and he decides what he wants to do with that.
  • bridgew24
    bridgew24 Posts: 143 Member
    I feel you on this. And all you can do is encourage activity! Or maybe mention more how happy you are with the effort YOU have put into YOUR body and the results? And how you notice he's impressed by it? I don't know it might convey to him how that could be his situation if he got off the couch :smile:
  • eric_sg61
    eric_sg61 Posts: 2,925 Member
    You think he is grumpy now, wait til he has to be on a diet to keep you.
  • Desterknee
    Desterknee Posts: 1,056 Member
    Make him go get his yearly physical. Let the doctors break the hard news to him when he gets his results back then play the good guy as "I'm going to help you fix this bc I care about you and your health."

    Stealth mother Fin mind ninja mode unlocked.


    BOOM. This. LOL
  • runningvegan
    runningvegan Posts: 65
    Tell him in person. Text or email is just cold. If you're not close enough that you can tell him face to face, then you shouldn't say anything at all.
  • brraanndi
    brraanndi Posts: 325 Member
    Telling the other person just doesn't help for the most part.

    I'd slap my man if he told me I needed to lose weight because then I'd be more attractive to him in bed. You have to have a special kind of relationship to be able to get away with that in my opinion.

    I figure if he wants to eat pizza and become a chubby 40 yearold he can. As long as the doc says his health is somewhat fine, then it's well within in rights to look however he wants. He has supported me no matter what weight I am, loved me no matter what weight I am, I fully intend on doing the same.

    But that doesn't stop me dragging his whiney butt walking on the weekends heh.

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