My boyfriend's weight gain - advice on how to talk to him!
Replies
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Can you ask him not to buy the treats for the house because you feel like you might cheat? Make him eat what you're eating. Tell him that you need his support to help you through your journey. Reverse the situation and see if that helps.0
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I think you definitely should do this in person, first of all, but you know your relationship the best, so maybe your approach would work better for you guys, but I think most people would at least want to hear this face to face. I think it's a sign of respect to be able to broach potentially uncomfortable topics with someone in person.
Secondly, maybe you could say something along the lines of "We used to be able to do so much more stuff together and I loved that aspect of our relationship. I miss being able to be active with you!" Don't make it about the actual weight, but focus on the ways that his lifestyle is putting limits on your relationship and how much fun you would have if you could get back to doing some of that stuff together.0 -
For example: You have food stuck in your teeth all day... wouldn't you prefer someone tell you so you can fix the problem, even if you feeling embarrassed for a short amount of time?
I'm not sure this is really an apt analogy.
Relationships are hard; it's hard understanding why people are continuing certain behaviors, and it's hard to communicate honestly and openly about things that we fear will make us sound selfish. But if his weight is going to become more a concern and you're going to dump him for it, then you should just flat out tough love it. Tell him the score, and give him the choice. If time goes on and you feel more and more every day like you can do better, I promise you it will get much worse for both of you.
If you're really going to love him anyway (hint: I don't believe you), then you should just encourage him to make better choices, and if he gets defensive tell him the truth; that you're going to love him either way but he was more fun when he was more fit.
Either way good luck - this is likely to be a fairly rough go regardless of what you choose to do.0 -
It isn't exactly a delight to hear, but in the long run it should help
For example: You have food stuck in your teeth all day... wouldn't you prefer someone tell you so you can fix the problem, even if you feeling embarrassed for a short amount of time?
:noway:
Erm.... that's not at all comparable.0 -
Trust me, he knows he's gained. He may not, however, want to change it right now and you can't change him.
My boyfriend has lately stated that he's gotten "tubby". He MIGHT need to lose 5-10lbs and get in shape. I'm in the best shape of my life right now, very strict with what and when I eat and he KNOWS how to do it by watching me. But he doesn't WANT to right now. Every person has a time where the WANT to do it. It took me years to figure out I could be my best...he'll come around when he wants to and in the mean time I'll support him...0 -
I think you need to be very careful about how you do this or it could go very badly.
I know that as far as attractiveness goes, that I am attracted to my wife and find her sexy regardless of her weight. I also appreciate the beautiful person she is and her beauty certainly isn't skin deep. I also know that she feels the same way about me because I have been obese for most of our marriage and there isn't a single day that she hasn't made me feel like the sexiest man on earth and I love her for that. I am currently making good progress and getting in better shape because I want to be fit and healthy, but I know that she loves me and is attracted to me even when I am very overweight.
I think if you bring up that it is making him less attractive to you, there is pretty much no way it ends well.
I think it would help to have a common goal to work toward. Maybe do something like plan a trip for next spring/summer to a beach location and make a goal to get in great shape together to look great in your bathing suits. Or maybe tell him that you want to get into strength training and would like him to do it with your. Or take a dance class together. Find a common goal and work together on it to achieve something together.
And don't bring up attractiveness. I promise, it won't go over well.
And please don't do something very immature like doing this in a text!
Good luck.0 -
When my bf and I started re-dating (broke up for a little and got back together) we were both at our ideal weight.
But now... while I've been working hard to lose my final 10 (grr), he's been steadily gaining weight.
Like to the point of him having a large protruding belly..
In addition to how difficult it is to keep from eating some of the yucky yummies he brings home...
it's also becoming a turn off....
I love him and still find him attractive, but not like before... and I HATE to say it, but it's true.
We used to be on MFP together, but he just stopped using it (I have too but, I have a strict menu/diet so I already know all my calories) but I did promise him I would use it if he would.
I don't want this to grow into something worse.
How should I go about politely expressing my feelings about this to him?
So to clarify I want to convey to him that:
I am still attracted to him and still love him the same
I would like for him to consider losing weight -
~ because he would have more energy and feel better about himself
~it would help his mood swings (he's been pretty grumpy!)
~ it would help our sex life (and this is the toughy!) because I would be MORE physically attracted to him and he'd have more stamina
~it would help me to achieve my weight loss goals
~ and possibly get us to spend more time together doing some sort of fun physical activity
I KNOW he can't change unless he really wants to, I just want to help him to get to that point..
Can anyone help me articulate this in the best possible way? I was thinking it might be best to email or text this to him...
I'd rather not say it in person, just cuz I think he'd be embarrassed.
This way, he could have some time to think about it and hit me back with a well thought out response...?
Help :ohwell:
If you are going to tell him, do not do it by email or text. That's a cowards way out.
Unless your partner is particularly insensitive or you have an agreement to tell each other if this occurs, I would avoid the attractiveness comment altogether. I know that if my partner told me that, regardless of how much he sugar coated it, I would be devastated and it would cause problems. Imagine if it was the other way around and he was saying it to you.
I would approach with the focus on his health. Tell him you are worried and want him to be healthy. Tell him you think him joining you would help you reach your goals.
There's so many different exercise options out there, there must be something he will enjoy and something you can do together. What about something you can compete with, like kick boxing?0 -
He seems to be pretty happy. He just gets grumpy when there's physical activity involved lol.
Any suggestions besides biking/hiking for an activity?
Looks like its going to be an intense love making session then and when he flags just casually drop in "Looks like I am gonna have to trade you in for a younger model!"0 -
Ok, what if this situation was reversed? Would you want your SO to tell you that you're unattractive via a text or email? Common sense! My fiance told me when my weight was going in a negative direction. I was getting overweight at one point and yes, the face to face did sting, but he didn't do it to be cruel. He did it because he was concerned and it worked. I started taking better care of myself and now, since he suggested I give keto a try, I'm down 20 lbs!
My advice would be to TALK TO HIM. Tell him that you're concerned for his health and well-being. Offer to workout with him, or get a gym membership together. Or, if he's the competitive type, make it into a friendly competition. The first to lose x amount of lbs by some date gets something special.
Basically, don't be a coward about it.0 -
Make him go get his yearly physical. Let the doctors break the hard news to him when he gets his results back then play the good guy as "I'm going to help you fix this bc I care about you and your health."
Stealth mother Fin mind ninja mode unlocked.
BOOM. This. LOL
I really like this idea.. If he listens to his Dr then you know he wants to do something about it. If he doesnt, then he isnt ready and does not care.
My husband is overweight and growing (constantly complaining his jeans are too small now), but I would never try to change him. He for once is being supportive of my choice to lose weight and get healthy and before that would have never happened. Before he would try to sabotage me. And although he is overweight, my husband went to the health fair here at work and had his blood work done and his numbers were not as horrible as I would have thought. So I really have no room to complain because my triglycerides, cholesterol, and many other things tested were worse than his.
Another thing to think about... is he really overweight? Or is he just too overweight for what you want in a boyfriend? If he goes to the Dr, is the Dr going to tell him he is perfectly fine where he is and that he is at a healthy weight? Just questions that come to mind.0 -
Just tell him hes getting fat.... Thats how I laid it on my BF... I was like look hun, youre getting fat and im getting fit.. something needs to happen... He decided to start working out with me... lol sometimes you just have to be blunt0
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I say to start slow and take him for a brisk walk with you (not a hike...). It's great quality time and an added bonus is that while you're walking you're not eating (usually).
I also really like the idea of going for a physical. Let the doctor be the bad guy. If you do end up telling him though, tell him to his face. If I was sent a text or an email about something that sensitive I'd be in tears... at least if it hurts you can reassure him of your love for him and express you're really mostly concerned about his health and wellbeing.
Just my two cents.0 -
Make his *kitten* get a physical. Bam, I'm sure weghing-in at the doc's will lighten things up a bit.
But, remember, you can't make someone lose weight or even attempt to tell them they should because a) you become the *kitten* b) they will get emotional c) will make it harder for them to want to lose weight0 -
I think if you don't say anything now that the "problem" will just get worse. He'll keep gaining weight and eventually you just won't be attracted to him at all. Then it will affect your mood and he'll ask what's wrong. You tell him and his response is going to be why didn't you tell me sooner? It'll probably sting a little (if/ when you tell him), but I really think it's best.
I gained about 50 pound over the course of 2ish years and eventually it hit me that I needed to lose weight. I've maintained that loss for a few years now, but about a year ago my mom told me that she had thought about saying something when I first started gaining weight because she was scared of hurting me. I really wish she would have though. Ya, it would have hurt, but losing 15-20 pounds would've been easier than getting so completely out of shape and having to lose close to 50.
I know a mother-daughter relationship is different than a bf-gf one, but he deserves to know. Make it more about being worried about his health and about wanting to be able to do things like go on hikes together. Also, a lot of studies have shown that couples who work out together have better sex
http://news.menshealth.com/do-this-together-for-more-sex/2013/06/12/
http://www.examiner.com/article/surprising-ways-that-exercise-can-benefit-your-romantic-relationship0 -
I would not make it about looks, even if it is about looks. Find an article on the health problems associated with weight gain, specifically with waist circumference. Share it with him and tell him you are worried about his health because you love him and don't want to lose him.
It's hard to get mad at or be hurt by someone who concerned about your health.0 -
I think you need to be very careful about how you do this or it could go very badly.
I know that as far as attractiveness goes, that I am attracted to my wife and find her sexy regardless of her weight. I also appreciate the beautiful person she is and her beauty certainly isn't skin deep. I also know that she feels the same way about me because I have been obese for most of our marriage and there isn't a single day that she hasn't made me feel like the sexiest man on earth and I love her for that. I am currently making good progress and getting in better shape because I want to be fit and healthy, but I know that she loves me and is attracted to me even when I am very overweight.
I think if you bring up that it is making him less attractive to you, there is pretty much no way it ends well.
I think it would help to have a common goal to work toward. Maybe do something like plan a trip for next spring/summer to a beach location and make a goal to get in great shape together to look great in your bathing suits. Or maybe tell him that you want to get into strength training and would like him to do it with your. Or take a dance class together. Find a common goal and work together on it to achieve something together.
And don't bring up attractiveness. I promise, it won't go over well.
And please don't do something very immature like doing this in a text!
Good luck.
:flowerforyou: :drinker: I really like this response also!!!0 -
People change appearance all the time while in relationships , they can get lazy and comfortable..both sides. As you mentioned his attractiveness and not his health I would take a guess that the relationship is ultimately doomed, but I don't mean that in a harsh unfeeling way but deep down you probably would get the right hump if he said that to you
One of my ex's a few years ago called me a fatty ba***rd and told me she wasn't going on holiday to the sun with me looking like I was ( a good few kilos over weight) , deep down this hurt and within 6 months it was over. Now I shaved 5 1/2 inches from my waist and according to Facebook, she seems to have gained it
Personality wins over physical appearance , if you don't fancy him anymore... or love him, let him find somebody who does. If this was a guy posting this about telling his girlfriend to lose the pounds or lose me... then people would be giving a lot of abuse.
If I did truly care about him then I would try activities you both could do in order for him to hopefully notice how out of shape he is. Telling somebody , nicely as it's noticed is far better than waiting and hoping for them to wake up and smell the coffee. Waiting for them to go 5 kilos over and then telling them isn't ideal
Hopefully I am wrong in a way , but try and truly see it as if he was saying it to you.0 -
I also noticed you've broken up and gotten back together recently. I could be off base, since I don't know your relationship, but If his weight/sloth is bothering you this much right now, right after you just got back together, I suspect strongly that you are not 100% stoked to be back with him. You're critical and focusing on what you don't like. You think he's a "fixer-upper." You want him to be different. Why did you get back with him if you don't think he's good enough for you/not a good fit for your lifestyle?
I would strongly suggest taking a serious inventory of your relationship. Unless you guys are doing something like counseling together, you may be repeating the same relationship that led to breakup last time...
Edited for attempting to quote and failing...0 -
So... to sum up... you want to send him a text to tell him he needs to lose some weight so you find him more attractive again...
Yeah that'll go down really well. :huh:
Have you ever considered how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot?
My husband and i agreed that if either of us got overweight so we became less attractive, that we should be told...
Would you like to be told via text/email?
Isn't that like breaking up with someone via text? Isn't that a no-no?0 -
For example: You have food stuck in your teeth all day... wouldn't you prefer someone tell you so you can fix the problem, even if you feeling embarrassed for a short amount of time?
Yes, and I would prefer it if someone told me without first having to consult with strangers on how best to tell me. Maybe you have weight hangups that you're projecting on to your boyfriend?
You can be frank, to the point and unambiguous- all that without being cruel or causing someone pain.0 -
My advice is don't. He's responsible for his health just as you are for yours. So you do your thing and invite him to join you. Lead by example. The only person you can change is yourself, same goes for him.
I agree with Markie166.0 -
Lots of good advice. BKYOUN definitely has some sound advice. My advice would be to not do it at all, but try to keep encouraging activity and healthy eating in a positive way and continue to work on yourself. Your relationship will either thrive because there is love and respect or die anyway if you don't have that regardless of his or your physical appearance. Physical attractiveness comes and goes and it is a surface emotion anyway. You cannot make someone do something if they don't, a - see a problem and b - want to do something about it.
I think it's total BS when someone says - all of a sudden I was fat - I didn't see it coming and didn't even notice until I saw a pic of myself. BS, you knew it, I know it, I refuse to believe it sometimes and hate to admit it until I'm hit with the cold hard facts of a pic, but please, we all know when the fat bubble is growing.
If you do decide to go through with it, do not do it any other way than face to face. Give him and yourself the respect he deserves if you're going to hit him with something like that.0 -
Before reading the rest of these, I know there will be the inevitable "dump him so he can find a woman to appreciate him in all his glory."
It's not PC, but it's not like you're saying he's not attractive to you because of something beyond his control to address.
The whole "someone should be beautiful to you regardless of how they care about themselves" is horse****.
Let him know how you feel (and do BOTH of you a favor).0 -
UGH!
Considering your boyfriend used to use MFP, and you've been pushing him to get back on it (even joining yourself again because you promised) I'm pretty sure you just told him, along with the rest of the world.
Nice.
I don't even know this guy and I think he deserves better. I feel bad for him.
Perhaps you should have considered this before you got back together with him for a second time - and definitely before you aired his problems out for everyone to see right next to your highly recognizable profile avatar.0 -
Can you ask him not to buy the treats for the house because you feel like you might cheat? Make him eat what you're eating. Tell him that you need his support to help you through your journey.
Or you could go shopping with him to help buy healthy snacks. I like the idea of looking at old pictures, or not so old. My husband took a picture of me at a glass blowing class (from behind) and that is my motivation to get healthy. I didn't like the way I looked. Maybe that could work foor him.
Good luck0 -
:laugh:just tell him, if he runs 12miles a day, you will clean his pipes.0 -
Make him go get his yearly physical. Let the doctors break the hard news to him when he gets his results back then play the good guy as "I'm going to help you fix this bc I care about you and your health."
Stealth mother Fin mind ninja mode unlocked.
BOOM. This. LOL
I really like this idea.. If he listens to his Dr then you know he wants to do something about it. If he doesnt, then he isnt ready and does not care.
My husband is overweight and growing (constantly complaining his jeans are too small now), but I would never try to change him. He for once is being supportive of my choice to lose weight and get healthy and before that would have never happened. Before he would try to sabotage me. And although he is overweight, my husband went to the health fair here at work and had his blood work done and his numbers were not as horrible as I would have thought. So I really have no room to complain because my triglycerides, cholesterol, and many other things tested were worse than his.
Another thing to think about... is he really overweight? Or is he just too overweight for what you want in a boyfriend? If he goes to the Dr, is the Dr going to tell him he is perfectly fine where he is and that he is at a healthy weight? Just questions that come to mind.
the only problem is if he is healthy labs are normal, blood pressure is good, and it's simply a matter of weight it can backfire. "i'm healthy why do I need to worry about my weight?"0 -
ask him to exercise with you and when he does let him know at that very moment when he is all sweaty that you are very turned on by his sweat and watching him just take control of his body. Flirt with him and tell him that you just want to rip his clothes off right there and when you get home, do just that, rip his clothes off and give him the business and then when it's over, he will see that there are added benefits to this whole healthy thing. Just a suggestion 0
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You think he is grumpy now, wait til he has to be on a diet to keep you.
ThisI also noticed you've broken up and gotten back together recently. I could be off base, since I don't know your relationship, but If his weight/sloth is bothering you this much right now, right after you just got back together, I suspect strongly that you are not 100% stoked to be back with him. You're critical and focusing on what you don't like. You think he's a "fixer-upper." You want him to be different. Why did you get back with him if you don't think he's good enough for you/not a good fit for your lifestyle?
And this.
A few thoughts, most of which are probably repeats:
- If you're going to address this subject with him in any fashion you need to do it face to face. You say you don't want to embarrass him but I think you really just don't want to embarrass yourself. Doing it by text only saves face for you, he will be embarrassed no matter how you bring it up. You might as well give him the courtesy of making it just as awkward for you as it will be for him.
- You've gotten a lot more "helpful" responses than this sort of thread usually gets so consider yourself lucky and take some of their advice. Don't come at him with a "you're looking gross and I'm not attracted to you" approach. Focus the conversation on his health and being able to do activities together. If you tell him you're less attracted to him he could get self conscious and putting that on top of the fact that you guys have previously broken up it might not be too long before he adds up enough reasons in his head to leave again. Be careful.
- If he's got an MFP profile, knows you have an MFP profile, decides to start using it again and finds this thread that you posted about him how do you think that will make him feel?
- These kinds of threads are the reason I would never be one of those people who gets skinny and leaves the person who loved them when they were big because they are now "too hot to settle". If I started gaining again after being at my fittest and my new hot boyfriend told me I needed to step it up because he was starting to not find me attractive I wouldn't deal well with it.0 -
I don't care what you say to him but for the love of God do not text him! Don't be a chicken. If you mean it, and you want it for him, OWN it.0
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