Feeling pretty helpless

KAF711
KAF711 Posts: 165 Member
edited February 5 in Chit-Chat
I could really use someone to just listen and maybe offer some advice.

My fiance has been depressed for a couple of months now, pretty much since we moved to Florida. We had big plans moving here and making it work but so far it has been nothing but heartbreak.

The first job he had was awful and they lied to him about everything, he left that job. He got another job working part time but in the field that he loves. Well today he went in early to speak with his boss and ask if it was possible for a few more hours and he was fired. Apparently the boss thinks he had a bad attitude because he wants more hours and isn't happy with what they gave him.. seriously??

We are now a one income hosehold, and I'm not making very much. I don't know what to do or how to help him. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and be strong for him and not show how truly worried I am. Can anyone help me out? I don't know how to help someone who is depressed.
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Replies

  • iamanadult
    iamanadult Posts: 709 Member
    Can he go on unemployment?

    A lot of people struggle financially, I know I did in the past. My boyfriend was unemployed for a short while when we first got together and it sucked, but we had our health and a place to live.

    Don't let it consume you.
  • YouMadBro8281
    YouMadBro8281 Posts: 269
    I believe you have to work a certain amount of time to collect unemployment. Jobs are available in many areas, it depends on how much you are willing to earn IMO.
  • sunglasses_and_ocean_waves
    sunglasses_and_ocean_waves Posts: 2,757 Member
    The world isn't against him. He needs to figure out this sh*tty attitude he's giving off. No one gets fired for asking for more hours. He blames everyone else for his shortcomings. Tell him to grow up and take a hard look at himself.
  • KAF711
    KAF711 Posts: 165 Member
    He was only with this most recent place a few weeks, not long enough for unemployment.

    It's hard to not let it consume you when it's everywhere. I am just silent most of the time because I'm afraid something I say will remind him and then he'll be sad again
  • sunglasses_and_ocean_waves
    sunglasses_and_ocean_waves Posts: 2,757 Member
    He was only with this most recent place a few weeks, not long enough for unemployment.

    It's hard to not let it consume you when it's everywhere. I am just silent most of the time because I'm afraid something I say will remind him and then he'll be sad again

    cause his feelings are your fault. This guy's a puddy.
  • KAF711
    KAF711 Posts: 165 Member
    He was only with this most recent place a few weeks, not long enough for unemployment.

    It's hard to not let it consume you when it's everywhere. I am just silent most of the time because I'm afraid something I say will remind him and then he'll be sad again

    cause his feelings are your fault. This guy's a puddy.

    That is not helping. I'm asking for support, not criticism
  • iamanadult
    iamanadult Posts: 709 Member
    He was only with this most recent place a few weeks, not long enough for unemployment.

    It's hard to not let it consume you when it's everywhere. I am just silent most of the time because I'm afraid something I say will remind him and then he'll be sad again

    Do you have children?
  • YouMadBro8281
    YouMadBro8281 Posts: 269
    I was actually trying to be nice and not say suck it up but sunglasses covered it well...you can only have a pity party for so long..
  • _Krys10_
    _Krys10_ Posts: 1,234 Member
    He was only with this most recent place a few weeks, not long enough for unemployment.

    It's hard to not let it consume you when it's everywhere. I am just silent most of the time because I'm afraid something I say will remind him and then he'll be sad again


    ...
  • KAF711
    KAF711 Posts: 165 Member
    Well I guess this wasn't the right place to ask for advice
  • YouMadBro8281
    YouMadBro8281 Posts: 269
    Nope its the right place. You want to hear what you want to hear..difference.
  • Via_14
    Via_14 Posts: 992 Member
    I could really use someone to just listen and maybe offer some advice.

    My fiance has been depressed for a couple of months now, pretty much since we moved to Florida. We had big plans moving here and making it work but so far it has been nothing but heartbreak.

    The first job he had was awful and they lied to him about everything, he left that job. He got another job working part time but in the field that he loves. Well today he went in early to speak with his boss and ask if it was possible for a few more hours and he was fired. Apparently the boss thinks he had a bad attitude because he wants more hours and isn't happy with what they gave him.. seriously??

    We are now a one income hosehold, and I'm not making very much. I don't know what to do or how to help him. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and be strong for him and not show how truly worried I am. Can anyone help me out? I don't know how to help someone who is depressed.

    If he is really down, like "zombie" like not functioning type - he should see a GP/doc pronto! I had depression in my final year of schooling and i let it get out of hand to the point where i was a dead man(girl) walking. Was horrible.

    In regards to being fired, i think maybe i dont know only your fiance will know, maybe he delivered or asked in the wrong way. THere must be more to the story as sunglasses was saying. Whilst it may appear to outsiders he needs to suck it up, if the guy really has depression there is no way unless you or some divine intervention will get him out of the hole.

    Please tell him to seek professional help. I know its not ideal or likeable going to the doc coz ur sick mentally, but you dont want it to get any worse than it currrently is - and i can tell you from experience, it does and will get worse if left untreated.

    Take care
    Regards.
  • KAF711
    KAF711 Posts: 165 Member
    Nope its the right place. You want to hear what you want to hear..difference.

    When someone you loves becomes depressed go ahead and tell them to suck it up and see how that goes...
  • iamanadult
    iamanadult Posts: 709 Member
    Nope its the right place. You want to hear what you want to hear..difference.

    Someone called her husband a puddy with no basis whatsoever other than he is depressed.
  • KAF711
    KAF711 Posts: 165 Member
    My previous occupation was working with young adults who have mental illness and/or disabilites. I feel like I should have a better handle on how to help him, but I guess when it's close to home it's harder.
  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,262 Member
    you needed the motivation and support section, you are in the chit chat and fun section.
    all you can do is be there for him and help him find a new job.
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
    The advice given so far might be harsh but if you really think about it, they're right.

    You being quiet isn't helping. You need to encourage him to go find a job. Sitting around and moping about it isn't going to pay the bills. And it's not fair for you to carry him just because he's sad.

    Fast food places, pizza deliver and grocery stores are almost always hiring so he should be able to at least find something part time and spend the rest of his time looking for another full time job. Or maybe check out temp agencies. It might not be his dream job but it'll pay the bills. Or maybe he needs to re-think his dream career and considering going back to school to persue something else. Either way, he still needs to get a job.

    If you feel you must do something to help him out, come up with a list of contact information for temp agencies so that makes it easier for him to call and set up an appointment. And find some websites for him to check out for job listings. Newspaper websites, monster.com and the like.

    ETA: If he's really depressed, like clinically, then he needs to seek professional help.
  • JenAndSome
    JenAndSome Posts: 1,893 Member
    If he is truly depressed and not just feeling sorry for himself he should consider seeing a therapist. They are trained for this sort of thing.
  • YouMadBro8281
    YouMadBro8281 Posts: 269
    The advice given so far might be harsh but if you really think about it, they're right.

    You being quiet isn't helping. You need to encourage him to go find a job. Sitting around and moping about it isn't going to pay the bills. And it's not fair for you to carry him just because he's sad.

    Fast food places, pizza deliver and grocery stores are almost always hiring so he should be able to at least find something part time and spend the rest of his time looking for another full time job. Or maybe check out temp agencies. It might not be his dream job but it'll pay the bills. Or maybe he needs to re-think his dream career and considering going back to school to persue something else. Either way, he still needs to get a job.

    If you feel you must do something to help him out, come up with a list of contact information for temp agencies so that makes it easier for him to call and set up an appointment. And find some websites for him to check out for job listings. Newspaper websites, monster.com and the like.

    You said it so much better then I did.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    The world isn't against him. He needs to figure out this sh*tty attitude he's giving off. No one gets fired for asking for more hours. He blames everyone else for his shortcomings. Tell him to grow up and take a hard look at himself.

    This... I stayed with someone far too long with a laundry list of excuses why he couldn't work and why he was always fired.
  • Via_14
    Via_14 Posts: 992 Member
    uhm yes she shouldnt carry him but if the guy is sick how can you expect him to work? First he need to get well and know that his capable of working that/any job.

    Health first i say, then comes jobs and the like.
  • simplycorey
    simplycorey Posts: 721 Member
    If he's truly depressed then telling him to suck it up isn't going to help. He won't be able to manage it. He needs a good support system and you, being his fiance, should be the biggest support of all. Love him, help him look for jobs, remind him that this is just temporary. Encourage him to see the positive, to change his attitude if necessary, to keep moving forward. He needs a positive perspective so he doesn't sink further into his hole and just give up.
  • iamanadult
    iamanadult Posts: 709 Member
    I'll tell you what I would do..which is not going to be a popular solution, but I would leave him.
  • YouMadBro8281
    YouMadBro8281 Posts: 269
    uhm yes she shouldnt carry him but if the guy is sick how can you expect him to work? First he need to get well and know that his capable of working that/any job.

    Health first i say, then comes jobs and the like.

    Really? So let's just forget about bills and responsibilities because you are in a funk? No do both.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    The world isn't against him. He needs to figure out this sh*tty attitude he's giving off. No one gets fired for asking for more hours. He blames everyone else for his shortcomings. Tell him to grow up and take a hard look at himself.

    OP, I am sorry for having to deal with this, but this is spot on. He may have approached his boss wrong, been hostile, etc. All you are getting is HIS side of the story, which he will spin to put himself in a positive light.

    And in any event, he has to do SOMETHING. Depression be damned, pity doesn't put food on the table. As another suggested, fast food or better yet, pizza delivery guy can bring in some much needed cash.
  • delicious_cocktail
    delicious_cocktail Posts: 5,797 Member
    Hi OP. I strongly urge you to disregard the negativity - - if the "tough love" isn't helpful, just ignore it, rather than argue with them.

    You guys are in a new place with your financial stability unexpectedly threatened.

    It's reasonable to be upset and depressed.

    This time could tear you apart or bring you closer than ever. Tell him that you are on his team. Ask him to be on yours. Then pound the pavement until you can patch the holes in the boat.
  • athenasurrenders
    athenasurrenders Posts: 278 Member
    'Suck it up' is not helpful advice for a person with depression. It's an illness. You can't just decide not to be depressed. Whether or not you all think he has reason to be depressed is irrelevant - much like diabetes or cancer, some people just get it even if there are no obvious reasons why. Telling someone they're a bad person for being depressed is only likely to make things worse, since you've given them another reason to be down on themselves.

    OP - is he getting medical help? Other than that, the best thing you can do for him is acknowledge his feelings, don't hold them against him, but also keep gently nudging him to keep going. It's not his fault he has depression, but at the same time the less he does with his time, the more it will consume him.

    As for getting fired - he might have a terrible attitude. The boss might have been wanting to get rid of someone anyway, and this was an easy excuse. Might've just be a bad fit and no one's fault. None of us know enough to guess.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    uhm yes she shouldnt carry him but if the guy is sick how can you expect him to work? First he need to get well and know that his capable of working that/any job.

    Health first i say, then comes jobs and the like.

    Because bills still need to be paid, and food eaten. He needs to man up and take care of his responsibilities before moping around.
  • LiftAllThePizzas
    LiftAllThePizzas Posts: 17,857 Member
    He was only with this most recent place a few weeks, not long enough for unemployment.

    It's hard to not let it consume you when it's everywhere. I am just silent most of the time because I'm afraid something I say will remind him and then he'll be sad again


    Grab a hold of his balls, pull them up, wipe his tears away with them and tell him to man up.
    What insightful advice. You should use that to help people with PTSD too.
  • Via_14
    Via_14 Posts: 992 Member
    If he's truly depressed then telling him to suck it up isn't going to help. He won't be able to manage it. He needs a good support system and you, being his fiance, should be the biggest support of all. Love him, help him look for jobs, remind him that this is just temporary. Encourage him to see the positive, to change his attitude if necessary, to keep moving forward. He needs a positive perspective so he doesn't sink further into his hole and just give up.

    Well said!
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