Feeling pretty helpless
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When did overcoming true clinical depression become a matter of willpower/manning up?
MFP, you never cease to amaze me.
OP, I hope you find a solution to your problem. (If you find it in this thread, however, I'll be astounded.)0 -
So what do you do when your S/O is depressed, you are struggling financially because they won't go out and look for a job as a result of the depression, and there is no money to get them therapy?
He just lost his job today. She never said he wasn't going to look for a job, just that he was depressed. She also mentioned that he has a pretty good track record prior to these last two jobs. I would find that discouraging too. He's in a new place, preparing to get married, and the whole job thing isn't what he thought it would be.0 -
So what do you do when your S/O is depressed, you are struggling financially because they won't go out and look for a job as a result of the depression, and there is no money to get them therapy?
So what do you do when your S/O is hit by a car, you are struggling financially because they can't go out and look for a job as a result of being paralyzed, and there is no money to get them therapy?
Your mistake is using the word "won't." You can't wish away a mental health condition by saying "jeepers the results of it are tough." To think that he chooses not to go out and look for a job - - that he wouldn't obviously be much happier having a job - is to again underscore your ignorance of what depression truly is.
^This! If he is truly depressed then he needs to get medicine. And if you can't work due to illness (mental or physical) then there is government support for that. Till he starts to get better. You can't just kick him off the couch and say do something. I've fought it I know what it's like, And I know people who have taken their lives because of it.0 -
I will carry on...
I'm in love with a VETERAN who has PTSD.... so now what? Do you suffer from PTSD? Where did she state he's only depressed because of a job and doesn't suffer with DEPRESSION.
Where did she say he did? Several people have asked about or suggested having him seek medical help if he is truly/clinically depressed. Here intial post made it sound like he was just upset over losing a job, she said he was depresed but that doesn't mean he's Clinically Depresed - big difference. It's so interesting to read threads like this where people jump on bandwagons and get all fired up over half a story...0 -
Way to avoid the question.
Do you need me to answer that question?? The answer is the same thing you do in my bookend hypothetical, if your SO is hit by a car: you do your best. You work your butt off to make ends meet and you support them in their recovery.
If you want to learn about depression, the best way to do that is research and polite questions. But instead you're behaving in an arrogant and insulting way because of your ignorance on the topic. That should embarrass you.0 -
I will carry on...
I'm in love with a VETERAN who has PTSD.... so now what? Do you suffer from PTSD? Where did she state he's only depressed because of a job and doesn't suffer with DEPRESSION.
Where did she say he did? Several people have asked about or suggested having him seek medical help if he is truly/clinically depressed. Here intial post made it sound like he was just upset over losing a job, she said he was depresed but that doesn't mean he's Clinically Depresed - big difference. It's so interesting to read threads like this where people jump on bandwagons and get all fired up over half a story...
Where did she say he didn't?
Pot meet Kettle0 -
OP, I know that some local churches and other facilities may offer free or donation based counseling services, you might check there for some depression counseling. I'm not sure what your affiliation might be, but there might be some local organizations that will provide counseling services in your area. That might be a good place to start. If he is not willing to talk to someone yet, perhaps you can at least get some advice on how to approach him to get him moving in the right direction to talk it out. Best of luck to you!0
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What insightful advice. You should use that to help people with PTSD too.He was only with this most recent place a few weeks, not long enough for unemployment.
It's hard to not let it consume you when it's everywhere. I am just silent most of the time because I'm afraid something I say will remind him and then he'll be sad again
Grab a hold of his balls, pull them up, wipe his tears away with them and tell him to man up.
PTSD is COMPLETELY different issue...but go on....
Depression is a symptom of PTSD... but go on.
Same as telling someone that suffers with PTSD.... GET OVER IT!
Some of these responses are very cruel. Wow. :noway:
Has anyone responding with such coldness, ever know or heard of someone who has commited suicide because of depression. How can you tell someone to Suck it Up. Would you do that to your son or daughter... Just wow. :frown:
Theres a difference in PTSD and depression over losing a job. But what do I know? please carry on...I would never tell a soldier or someone suffering from PTSD to get over it. It's a totally different TYPE of depression.....Carry on spicy though ...carry on...
I will carry on...
I'm in love with a VETERAN who has PTSD.... so now what? Do you suffer from PTSD? Where did she state he's only depressed because of a job and doesn't suffer with DEPRESSION.
Carry on...I have served my country as well and know a few brothers who have also suffered from PTSD. Re-read her original post, and out of respect for your man I will stop quoting you. Carry on.
Therefore, you have no clue what it is to suffer from it YOURSELF. Carry on... ASSuming.0 -
hmmm neither do you because YOU'RE not suffering from it...but carry on....i'm done with spicy. Next.0
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Depression is horrible. I am very sympathetic to you and your situation. I don't live in your country, though, so my knowledge of what services are available is unreliable, at best.
Is he depressed because of the situation, or is this something he has struggled with before?0 -
I could really use someone to just listen and maybe offer some advice.
My fiance has been depressed for a couple of months now, pretty much since we moved to Florida. We had big plans moving here and making it work but so far it has been nothing but heartbreak.
I don't know what to do or how to help him. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and be strong for him and not show how truly worried I am. Can anyone help me out? I don't know how to help someone who is depressed.
Lesson learned Kaff is that its best to ask family or friends in real life as to what you can do for your fiance, coz clearly MFP while has been constructive on some level on another level just shows you how mean people and not understanding can be. Or as suggested just let him see a doc for a check up to see if he has depression. Being down goes away but depression doesn't. Some people get back on their feet on their own yea but some people dont. You know your fiance best so only you can tell what needs to be done for him.0 -
I could really use someone to just listen and maybe offer some advice.
My fiance has been depressed for a couple of months now, pretty much since we moved to Florida. We had big plans moving here and making it work but so far it has been nothing but heartbreak.
The first job he had was awful and they lied to him about everything, he left that job. He got another job working part time but in the field that he loves. Well today he went in early to speak with his boss and ask if it was possible for a few more hours and he was fired. Apparently the boss thinks he had a bad attitude because he wants more hours and isn't happy with what they gave him.. seriously??
We are now a one income hosehold, and I'm not making very much. I don't know what to do or how to help him. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and be strong for him and not show how truly worried I am. Can anyone help me out? I don't know how to help someone who is depressed.
The first thing that hit me was "...pretty much since we moved to Florida..." How close was your fiance to his family? Does he miss them? Did he have the same problems with depression in your former location? If he has a very close knit family, it could be he is just missing them. Did he want to move to Florida or was that primarily you? I also would encourage you to encourage him to seek professional help. He may not be able to put a finger on why he is sad/depressed but a professional will be able to help him. Did he have difficulty holding down a job before? What is the longest he's been employed at one place? If he has always had difficulty holding a job, there is bigger issues here.0 -
He could use a WIN. Help him do something within his control, that will result in him feeling proud of himself. Sometimes pride is all the magic you need to get back up and face something far too difficult to handle when you are already down.
Good luck
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Nope its the right place. You want to hear what you want to hear..difference.
When someone you loves becomes depressed go ahead and tell them to suck it up and see how that goes...
My husband of 11 years is diagnosed with chronic depression. I can either join him in his ****, you know, b/c misery loves company, or I can live my life, regardless of his mood or how "sad" he may be. True, telling him to "suck it up" doesn't help much. Sometimes I have to be the one to suck it up for both of us.
You have a choice, be affected by his depression and join him there, or suck it up, do what you can and maybe he will raise himself to your level. That's much better than you lower yourself to his level.0 -
Wow folks.
I haven't read all of the responses here, so forgive me if this has all been addressed.
Many of the people I care for, and even some I have lived iwth have suffered from depression. If the OP's SO actually has clinical depression, it's not just something that can be "sucked up" or brushed aside to move on and do normal and rational things.
Depression is a mental illness. It's caused by a chemistry imbalance. It's an organic problem. Telling someone to get up and move on, is like telling someone with asthma to get over it and just start breathing. Depression is a horrible illness that goes way beyond being just a little sad and mopey.
Some of the major s/s that can be affecting the OPs SO from effectively seeking/retaining employment are as follows:
Irritability or angry outbursts
Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration
Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren't going right
Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
Crying spells for no apparent reason
Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
In fact many people with MDD are so low, and cannot function, that they commit suicide once they start treatment. Why? They have been having thoughts all along, but haven't had the energy or ability to do so until they start to feel better. Once they are treated, they have enough energy to carry out their plan to end their life.
This is the problem with mental illness in general. It has been stigmatized for so many generations, people don't talk about it, and there is little that most laypeople know about it. Also, there is a lack of parity and treatment in our current health insurance system here in the states.0 -
So what do you do when your S/O is depressed, you are struggling financially because they won't go out and look for a job as a result of the depression, and there is no money to get them therapy?
Most communities in the states have clincal services available to low income individuals on a sliding scale or feee waived basis. However, there are not enough services to go around, and this is why there are such a large percentage of mentally ill people who are homeless.0 -
When did overcoming true clinical depression become a matter of willpower/manning up?
MFP, you never cease to amaze me.
OP, I hope you find a solution to your problem. (If you find it in this thread, however, I'll be astounded.)
Sorry! Didnt see the update that it was clinical depression. My suggestion probably sounds stupid now.0 -
So what do you do when your S/O is depressed, you are struggling financially because they won't go out and look for a job as a result of the depression, and there is no money to get them therapy?
Most communities in the states have clincal services available to low income individuals on a sliding scale or feee waived basis. However, there are not enough services to go around, and this is why there are such a large percentage of mentally ill people who are homeless.
Good that Australia has a good system in place.0 -
When did overcoming true clinical depression become a matter of willpower/manning up?
MFP, you never cease to amaze me.
OP, I hope you find a solution to your problem. (If you find it in this thread, however, I'll be astounded.)
Sorry! Didnt see the update that it was clinical depression. My suggestion probably sounds stupid now.
The OP didn't say that it was clinical depression unless it was edited somewhere.0 -
wow...i finally have witnessed a thread where people really ARE mean.
^ this. I'm less than impressed.
OP, stay strong, be supportive, and help him look for a job the best you can. I've seen many highly qualified and very hard working friends lose their jobs over the last few years, myself included. It's a matter if cutting spending, and finding additional income where you can. And start applying for help now.0 -
If he was employed somewhere else for long enough, he should still qualify. He should at least look into it.He was only with this most recent place a few weeks, not long enough for unemployment.
It's hard to not let it consume you when it's everywhere. I am just silent most of the time because I'm afraid something I say will remind him and then he'll be sad again0 -
Well I guess this wasn't the right place to ask for advice
This is NEVER a good place to ask for advice lol.
YOU are not in control of his emotions, nor can you help him. He has to help himself sweetie. If he really is clinically depressed then he needs to get help. I hope things get better for you both. That sounds like a really stressful away to live for both of you.0 -
When did overcoming true clinical depression become a matter of willpower/manning up?
MFP, you never cease to amaze me.
OP, I hope you find a solution to your problem. (If you find it in this thread, however, I'll be astounded.)
Sorry! Didnt see the update that it was clinical depression. My suggestion probably sounds stupid now.
The OP didn't say that it was clinical depression unless it was edited somewhere.
I went back through and didn't see it either. She said she has worked with people who had mental illnesses, but I didn't see anywhere that her fiance was diagnosed with depression. Sure, that doesn't mean it isn't crappy situation to be in (losing your job unexpectedly), but you don't just sit around feeling sorry for yourself for MONTHS. I was "depressed" for years. I still got up and went to work and paid my bills on time. I didn't have someone to do it for me and to let it be okay for me to completely fall apart.
And it's very, very rare for a company to hire someone and fire them a few weeks later because of financial issues. They wouldn't have been hiring in the first place if they couldn't afford to bring on more employees. She said this guy claimed it was because he "asked for more hours."0 -
You have a choice, be affected by his depression and join him there, or suck it up, do what you can and maybe he will raise himself to your level. That's much better than you lower yourself to his level.
Well said...As far as people being mean OP I think the verbage you posted came across as a man losing his job after being there only a little while and then just sulking about it. So it is naturally for, especially the MEN MFP, to say man up and females to have a little more compassion so say.... But what Ive noticed from your response and it could be verbage that you are falling in that hole with him instead of helping him out of it. Im a Veteran and know about depression but it is up to the INDIVIDUAL to admit it and do something about it..so maybe that was what the phrase people are using "suck it up" means.0 -
My previous occupation was working with young adults who have mental illness and/or disabilites. I feel like I should have a better handle on how to help him, but I guess when it's close to home it's harder.
You are too close, you are his lover, not his counselor . . . there is a huge difference.
With my man, a little tough love goes a long way . . . but not until after tenderness. I think it's important to allow a person to feel how they feel and deal how they deal for about 8 weeks, and then they need a kick in the *kitten*. He needs purpose and perspective. While he's looking for other jobs he still needs a reason to get out of bed, and a perspective on where he's at in his life. When my husband lost his job I let him lay on the couch for 8 weeks and then I told him that he needed to start getting out of bed mid week and go to the shelters and feed people, talk to the people there, get perspective on where we're at in our life and how he can still be helpful. As he worked there he got to know lots of other people volunteering and networked his next job that way, after 6 years he's still there and it's the best job he's had to date. The next time he fell into depression it was over the loss of a loved one, I told him he had 2 choices 1) get out of bed and exercise to pick up your seratonin (sp) and dopamine levels or 2) go talk to someone and get on a pill that will essentially do the same thing. He hates pills.
He's depressed because he has no perspective and no purpose, if you're silent in his darkness you can't help him find the pinhole of light.0 -
I have suffered from both PTSD and Depression. 1. he cannot just sit around a mope; he has to get out a do things 2. he has to seek treatment, sadness lasting longer than 2 weeks is not just sadness 3. due to his depression he most likely came off wrong to his bosses and was carrying around the attitude in the office (even though he did not intent it to be that way) which cost him his job (there are always two sides to the story and only taking his side will only further to enable the depression) 4. in a way he does have to 'suck it up' meaning he has to take action to get better and to find work; he CANNOT sit at home and hide and let the depression control his life (I do not mean to suck it up and ignore the issue because depression is very serious). He has to get up and do things regardless of how he feels (it is very difficult to do but it is part of how you break the depression) 5. you CANNOT sit around and "walk on egg shells" with him and his depression; it will destroy you along with him.
You have to be firm but supportive at the same time. Depression is not easy to deal with or heal from and it does take work. He has to acknowledge that his depression is affecting his attitude and the attitude is what people see. If he does not understand that he will just slip further into depression because he will not understand why people are treating him the way they are (e.g. like when he got fired from the job, they seen his negative attitude and made judgement on that). Many people do not understand depression and how it affects a person so he has to really understand it will affect how people treat him.
He has to stay engaged in life; the further a person slips into depression the more they isolate themselves which causes that person to slip even further into depression. He HAS to get treatment for it and there are free groups and such you just have to look for them if you cannot afford help. He needs to set a goal of when to start looking for employment again and to actively start looking....not just say he is. This may mean working PT at the grocery store even for the short term while getting treatment before going back to his main field. I strongly recommend he go for runs/walks/bike rides, etc because it helps expend the negative energy he is feeling and gets him out of the house. I do this and it is a tremendous help...I can see a change in my own attitude when I skip my morning runs.
You need to make it very clear even if it means you being very blunt about it that you are there to support him through this difficult time HOWEVER he has to make every effort to heal from the depression and to have employment. You also have to make it clear that even though you understand he is going through this it is not a justification for him to take it out on you by screaming at you, degrading you in anyway, become violent in anyway or to treating people poorly because of how he is feeling. Not everyone who gets depressed becomes violent or does bad things but we do have a nasty attitude about us and we have not right to take it out on others. You should not have to feel defensive (feeling like you are walking on egg shells is feeling defensive) in your relationship or in your home. Now I do not mean to come out and just say whatever you want in any why you want you do have to be careful on how you say something to him to help keep in from feeling like he is under attack or a failure (which adds to the depression even more). Typically do a warm-up; give the the bad and then end with good and use "I" instead of "you" as much as possible. For example you would say something like "Honey something is upsetting me and I feel I need to share it because I don't know what else to do. I understand you are going through a hard time right but I really need you to see someone about it because I don't know how to help you to make this better. It hurts me when you yell at me because I really don't understand where it is coming from and it would help me if you could please try to not yell when you are upset. I know you are not doing this intentionally and that you are dealing with something beyond either of our control; you are still a very good man, I love you very much and I am here to for you." Having people express things in terms of how they felt instead of just saying "you do this, your attitude sucks, you have a problem....." made it feel less like an attack. Ending it on a positive made the last thing I heard be the positive information and I focus less on the negative and again felt less of an attack. People were not attacking me its just how it felt and that is what you have to remember with him.
Oh and have him reduce his caffeine intake (slowly).....I know that sounds strange but reducing my caffeine intake helped. If you reduce too fast you can get sick which wont help.0 -
Amen to that!wow...i finally have witnessed a thread where people really ARE mean.0 -
wow...i finally have witnessed a thread where people really ARE mean.
It isn't about being mean or nice. Responsibilities are responsibilities.
It is evident you do not understand depression.0 -
The breadth, depth and arrogance of ignorance in this thread is amazing.
To those of you who don't know anything about depression (which is distinct from "being bummed",) I heartily encourage you to do some research about clinical depression, that you might not spend the rest of your lives thinking that people necessarily have a choice in the matter.
While I agree with this, there is a bit og tough love that is needed when someone is depressed. Simply walking around their feelings isn't going to solve the issue.
On one hand, there is a man who is probably feeling as though he is failing his family. From what I understand, this is a huge issue for a lot of men out there. The more he feels as though he's failing them the deeper the depression will become.
On the other hand, the OP needs him to be strong. He needs help, and OP, you can't just tell him it's all going to be ok. You need to get tough and tell him to get help. If his work is a pride issue he will need to get over it. At this point, if he needs to flip burgers to help contribute then that is what he should be doing. You aren't always going to be the nice guy if you really are supporting him becuase. Your expectations need to be clear, but at the same time, you may need to hold his hand a bit. I'm not saying find a job for him, but sit with him while he looks through job ads. Perhaps you can proof read his resume. Whatever the case me be, but he can't sit around and sink deeper.0 -
Hi OP- I am sorry you even had to read some of the things on here. But just take whats useful to you and ignore the rest.
I can understand how taxing it can get to be in this situation when you don't want to hurt his feelings but you are also worried about what to do financially. Give him some space for now and slowly start directing him towards finding a different job maybe?
People get fired and hired all the time, make him realize that he is not a failure and it was just a one off situation(bad luck). Make him realize that he is talented/worthy and give him the confidence he might need now.
(This is all assuming he has a good attitude in genera)
I am not sure if any of these are even helpful, but i can totally empathize with you and hope things work out for you soon :flowerforyou:0
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