Afraid of being thin: the other side of weight loss (wordy!)

This is gonna be a long reply and I hope someone will relate:

I wanted to lose weight because I was afraid my boyfriend of two years (who is constantly getting compliments on his model-esque physique) was gonna dump me for someone hotter. That was the crazy, insecure, shallow (which I didn't realize at the time) girl 6 months ago. 6 months doesn't seem like a long time, but considering who I have been my entire life I have made DRASTIC changes in my mentality towards my body and myself as a person.

Growing up I watched my mother suffer from low self-esteem and insecurities. Yo-yo dieting, buying expensive work out equipment, constantly changing her clothes, her hair style, ALWAYS putting on make up. She was never satisfied, never happy with what she had. I always thought my mom was the most beautiful woman and people always complimented her (she's a musician as well with a banging voice). She always brushed off the compliments and seemed embarrassed by them.

Unfortunately I inherited her habits. I was always the funny, dorky, bigger girl with all he hot guy friends who slept with the dumb, hot chicks. I constantly compared myself to them and asked why not me? I was never satisfied with my hair, make up, clothes, every inch of my body was disgusting. Any male who gave me attention I thought was pathetic because how could anyone like me?

Until I met my bf. He was gorgeous and funny and charming and all the girls wanted him yada yada yada. I had NO IDEA why he wanted anything to do with me. Unfortunately for the better part of our relationship I let my insecurities dictate my emotions and ended up really hurting him. I was jealous and would "emotionally" cheat to make myself feel better. I needed reassurance that I was good enough for him and his words just went in one ear and out the other. It's rather embarrassing.

About 2 years in we moved across the country together and I gained a decent amount of weight from depression and not being active. I felt disgusting and ugly and my unhappiness made our relationship worse. I was afraid he would leave me. He didn't understand, but he tried his best to make me feel good. One day I got a bug up my *kitten* and kicked off this whole healthy eating and work out thing, JUST because I wanted to look "hot" for him (i didnt tell him that part). He encouraged me because he saw it was making me happy.

After awhile I started embracing the feeling of being strong and focused less on trying to be "skinny" and hot. Nowadays I'm usually in work out clothes, sweaty, with no make up. I love working out and eating well because the way it makes me feel, not how I look to other people. When I get hit on by guys, normally I would be disgusted and it would bother me, but now I laugh it off and go on with my day.

One day he felt my hip bone and said how skinny I was. I said "don't you want me to be skinny?" and He told me he liked me anyway I am. He liked me before and now. It was like someone just punched me in the face. I realized how many times in the past 3 years he had complimented me, embraced me, and NEVER ONCE put me down or called me ugly or fat. Why did I think for so long I wasn't good enough? Well now I've realized that I am good enough for anyone, and not because of how I look. My happiness is now the most attractive thing about me. I wish I would have realized that a long time ago.

PS: This is a great story that helped me:
http://www.rolereboot.org/life/details/2013-06-when-your-mother-says-shes-fat

Can't help you there. Both thin and fat I am not traditionally attractive. No matter how good my body looks my face ensures I will not be constantly hit on. Maybe you could look on your natural beauty as a good thing.

I'm sure you have a great personality though. I think anyone can be attractive with just that alone. You can always get a new hair do and some cute clothes and a little makeup to spice up your look though. Trust me there is someone out there who will find you attractive, you just haven't met them yet.

I've felt this way as well. My personal method of coping is to work on keeping my body as strong as I can, take some self defense classes, etc. On one hand, it makes me angry - I shouldn't have to worry about defending myself or avoiding aggressive unwanted male attention just because I'm thinner, but I guess I do. But the more I feel prepared physically to handle the situation, the easier it is to be comfortable in my smaller body.

From a man's perspective who takes self defense seriously, I fully agree with the quote above. I have found that aggression is not something that many women take to. If you do not think of yourself as aggressive, GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO BE AGGRESSIVE and tell people to back the F up if they are making you uncomfortable.

Being thinner, lighter, stronger is something that I see as a self preservation goal - it will (hopefully) help me live longer. And should I need strength to protect my first Right (to continue living), hopefully I will have enough.

I also agree with the suggestions on talking with a good counselor on the wide variety of issues that this brings up (self image type issues, as well as finding ways to deal with the unwanted attention - from polite to aggressive options, depending on the situation).

What ever solutions you find, they will be hard, but very worth the effort.

Robert

I've struggled with weight my whole life. When I was younger (highschool) the guys I liked never even looked in my direction. I once overheard a few guys (one was my crush) talking about me and a few other girls. The comment made about me was I might be "okay" if I lost 50lbs. I was devastated. I finally got a boyfriend and after a few years of dating and being in an unhealthy relationship I gained alot of weight. I was a size 28 (plus size). He broke up with me telling me I was fat and he was no longer attracted to me and no one would be. Again I was devastated. I lost 50lbs and got down to a size 18 within a year. I was happy but lacked self esteem. Fast forward 10 years. I was back up to a size 26 before it hit me that I needed to change. I'm now down to a size 18 but still lacking the confidence and self esteem in myself. This might be the reason my weight loss has plateaued. I have been trying to date for a few years and it hasn't been going well. I worry I won't meet anyone until I lose weight but then I worry about a man only wanting me once I lose weight. I have it in my head that I won't be attractive until I lose weight and fear that losing weight won't make me attractive. I've spoke to someone about it but they wanted to focus on my childhood which made me feel like I was on some talk show in the 80's blaming my mother for my problems. I think the key is finding the self confidence in who I am as a person. Staying true to who I am no matter what size I am and loving myself. Easier said than done and it takes a lot of work. But then so does weight loss. So much of this is a mental game. I know I'm a good person. I've never been thin or hot but I hope to find out. I do have fears about how that may change how people view me but most important is how I view myself.

As a pre and very young teen I was skinny as a rail. Mother nature came to visit and I developed into a very well built young woman. That de[rew attention from every mail that saw me. I could not walk to the library without wolf whistles from truckers, and the younger guys thought they could get away with anything. Life was not fun. My family did not know what was happening and just happened to more to another part of town. I did start to gain as I didn't want the kind of attention that I had been getting. It was easy to hid behind the massive weight. I got so used to it that I have trouble letting go of it. As I lose 10 ponds and see a difference in my body I fight the idea to hid it. It is all mental and something I have to get past. With a loving husband this is working

I could write a book about this and I have been aware of an covert attempt within myself to stay heavy. It's easy to be the fun-loving heavy girlfriend whom no one is threatened by. Somehow the weight feels like a protective shield. Back in October of last year my weight was significantly lower. During that time I went to a few social outings and each time I experienced some jealously from friends who also struggle with weight. It seemed they were threatened that maybe I might loose all my weight.

I have worn tired over the years of people contantly telling me that I looked like I gained or lost weight. It's just crazy annoying to me.

bump

I totally understand where you are coming from. About 6 years ago I lost 65 lbs and for the first time in my life (had been heavy since puberty) men were noticing me. I had wonderful confidence which probably contributed as before I wouldn't even look a man in the eye. However it definitely had not so good consequences. I got involved with a married man at work. I never wouldn't thought that even was possible. I began to hate myself and what I was doing while at the same time loving the attention from him. It was a hard time and I still have extreme guilt because of it. When the affair began so did the self loathing and also the downward spiral into gaining the weight back. Which I did of course. Its so hard to know how to deal with things when im thin that I have no experience dealing with as a fat person. I am now 35 yrs old and back on the track to a healthy weight. I hope and pray that I can deal with the pressure that follows when I get to my goal weight. Since I am older I hope I don't have the same problems I had in my 20s and if I do I hope I have the maturity to deal with them. So you are definitely not alone. How crazy it is to long to be thin and fear it at the same time...what a catch 22!

I can relate to this on a few levels. I have been a yo yo'er for all of my adult life. While I would not call myself hot when I was at a lower weight, I would get male attention and it kind of freaked me out. This is something that worries me as I go on this path yet again. I'm 46 and way past strolling on a beach even in my best form, but it is in the back of my mind. I have a theory that I used food to deal with emotions during some formative years and missed out on developing some skills with dealing with the opposite sex. I have a long term bf who is wonderful and tells me I'm beautiful no matter what weight I am ( I wish I could clone him for all women), so I have no problem there. Its more peripheral relationships, and even strangers, that throw me. I feel very uncomfortable being stared at. At a heavy weight, I'm stared at but for a different reason and just ignore it. Its like I have two different realities, being the fat girl allows me to tune out any negative attention and attribute it to shallow minds, but I don't know what to do with 'positive' attention.

I feel for you ladies. It's sad that you've had to go through what you've gone through.

On the other side, I wish I got half the attention you gals are getting.. I've lost 30 lbs and nobody's giving me a second look haha

I'm in the same boat as you...except I'm a girl. :grumble:

In many ways my life has changed since losing over 50 lbs. Obviously my confidence has increased a whole ton. The biggest change is how much nicer people are to me. Everyone in general is nicer and more forgiving towards me than they used to be. They don't get as angry or annoyed with me as they did before. Everyone, especially men, seems so much more friendly now. It's been a nice change for sure, but at the same time, it makes it even harder for me to trust people.

As for attention from men...I'll admit that I'm jealous of all of you ladies who are getting so much more attention from men than you used to. I'm honestly getting about the same amount of attention, maybe 1-2 men will show some kind of interest in me PER YEAR, that I got when I was a size 14/16...and I'm a 4/6 now. (Am I THAT ugly? Sheesh!)

So I can relate in the sense of adjusting to people treating you differently, OP. But I can't really relate with the hordes of men chasing you down because they're crazy-in-love with you part. My advice: appreciate and be thankful for the fact that you have a lot of options for dates right now, because not every young woman does and this stage of your life won't last forever anyway. :flowerforyou:

Yes yes yes! I have lost one hundred pounds 3x.

ok so I haven't read all the comments yet as I'm at work and my lunch break is nearly over, but I had to share that I have somewhat of a similar fear....

Back when I was married to my now ex-husband, as I gained weight and even after I had our son, he cheated on me. He would make me feel bad and put me down about the way I looked, then say no one would want me, then tell me he's sorry while offering me a box of chocolates... so needless to say, by the time I finally left him, I was at my then heaviest and a new mother of a 1 yr old son and a shell of the person I was, no longer as outgoing and definitely super shy and obviously aware of my weight.

Then after a year I started working on weight loss and man can the dating world be BRUTAL! Men actually said I wasn't skinny enough, so I worked harder to lose weight, then when I was skinny enough, it was men who wanted to get it on and didn't want to get to know me.. etc.

Then fast forward 10 yrs later, I met a great guy and we are now engaged. When I met him, I was actually heavier than I am now by about 10-15 lbs. After meeting him and we were friends first, then started dating. I was the first person he dated after his recent divorce so he was all kinds of scared of our relationship which lead to a couple of breakups in the first year after we started dating. I also put on a few pounds during this time (a few being 10-15). Then, during oneof the breakups, his friend (now he doesn't even talk to him, long story) convinced him that he needs to have sex with other women before he can know for sure if I'm just a rebound or the real thing. (this friend is a female friend who I considered my friend and I found out wanted to get together with him because he is a good guy, hard working, great to his kids, etc...) so anyway, her plan backfired because he did end up shortly dating someone, it just wasn't her (ha!) anyway, after a few weeks of dating her he started asking my friends how I'm doing and telling one of them that he missed me and missed what we had and through a tragedy in his life I asked how he's doing and checked on him, and through that he realized I am the real thing and asked me to come back to him. After a while of wanting him to be sure this time, we got back together.

I found out after we got back out together who he dated, and she was thin and pretty, while I was even more overweight than when we met and very self-conscious. So self-conscious that it affected him hugging me, etc.

Anyway, so now fast forward 2 yrs later, he and I are now engaged, happy, and talking about what kind of wedding we want. He has been a great supporter of my journey to get healthy, constantly telling me about how proud he is and making me take progress pics when I feel down and showing me how much progress I've made, etc. He has been supportive... but I also worry about how he will feel when I get to goal weight! See, now that I'm losing, things are getting weird, like I've been so overweight for so long after having a kid that my belly has stretch marks that I got even after I was pregnant, and now that I'm starting to lose weight, my belly button is starting to look like a vagina because its got loose skin right around the belly button (lol) its not that bad but I joke that I have a vajay-jay belly button. I'm gettnig flabby arms and my belly where my skin has hung over after having a baby and then staying overweight, is starting to be a lot more skin...my breasts are getting smaller... so I honestly am afraid of getting thin because of the extra skin, AND.... now this may be weird to some, but my fiance admits that he's always been attracted to women with weight on them... so I want to reach a healthy weight, not just smaller than I am but a healthy weight... and I am scared of whether or not he will still be physically attracted to me when I don't have my size D breasts (that have already gone down from a DD) or my bootay that he likes will it then be too small when I reach goal? He loves my butt right now (thank you squats and lunges!!) because it was before kinda flat, and now its higher and rounder, but its still big, lol.

So, that is where my fear of being thin comes in. I will never wear a bikini again, and Im starting to be ok with that, and I'm pretty sure I won't have guys begging for my number when I have a ring on my finger, lol.....BUT.... I am afraid that going for my ultimate goal weight that I may be too thin for my fiance to still be attracted to me. I would never be bone thin, but I've seen his ex-girlfriends, and aside from the one skinny blond he dated when we broke up for a short while a few years back, all his other ex's have had some meat on their bones.. less meat than I have now, but more than my goal weight. But I don't want to stay at an unhealthy weight just to keep him attracted to me. Honestly, I have even brought it up to him, and he says I'm being silly and he would rather have me be healthy and thin than unhappy, unhealthy and overweight, because he fell in love with who I am, not just what I look like. He said he noticed my smile and how nice I am to his kids (volunteered at the school, his kids are twins and are same grade as my son) before he was physically attracted to me, and even at my unhealthiest and how big I got, he still asked me to marry him, so he says how could he possibly love me less just because there is less of me to hold on to, when he still has the girl who treats his kids great and loves him for him and makes him feel like the king of the world. So, I know its unfounded...but that fear is still there in the back of my head, that my goal weight will be too small for the man who likes girls with meat on their bones.... silly I know...

Sorry, had to share as this post did touch me, but in a different way of having the fear.

:sad: i just wanna hug all you guys... *squish*

learn to love your bodies what ever their size or shape, life is too short.
who you are is whats important :flowerforyou:
confidence is the sexiest thing anyone can wear, man or woman

I feel for you ladies. It's sad that you've had to go through what you've gone through.

On the other side, I wish I got half the attention you gals are getting.. I've lost 30 lbs and nobody's giving me a second look haha

I'm in the same boat as you...except I'm a girl. :grumble:

In many ways my life has changed since losing over 50 lbs. Obviously my confidence has increased a whole ton. The biggest change is how much nicer people are to me. Everyone in general is nicer and more forgiving towards me than they used to be. They don't get as angry or annoyed with me as they did before. Everyone, especially men, seems so much more friendly now. It's been a nice change for sure, but at the same time, it makes it even harder for me to trust people.

As for attention from men...I'll admit that I'm jealous of all of you ladies who are getting so much more attention from men than you used to. I'm honestly getting about the same amount of attention, maybe 1-2 men will show some kind of interest in me PER YEAR, that I got when I was a size 14/16...and I'm a 4/6 now. (Am I THAT ugly? Sheesh!)

So I can relate in the sense of adjusting to people treating you differently, OP. But I can't really relate with the hordes of men chasing you down because they're crazy-in-love with you part. My advice: appreciate and be thankful for the fact that you have a lot of options for dates right now, because not every young woman does and this stage of your life won't last forever anyway. :flowerforyou:

Yeah can't say I understand this "hordes of men chasing me" and I've been slim all my life (apart from a brief spell a few years ago). Must be either a dog or really scary. Well...like the profile pic :laugh:
On the flip side to all these comments; after losing 35lb three years ago I didn't notice any increase in male or other attention. In fact if I'm honest it's part of why I derailed somewhat in summer as I felt "if I'm never going to be attractive anyway who cares whether or not I have a completely flat stomach?"
Still working on appreciating myself for who I am not what the mirror says.

Aww, don't think that way! Focus on loving your body because YOU think it's awesome! That's what I've been trying to do. I love the new things that my body can do, like run and lift weights. I love how much stronger my core is getting every month. I love how my legs are just starting to get some shape and definition. I'm slowly, VERY slowly, learning to love my new reflection in the mirror for ME and not because people like or don't like it. :flowerforyou:

Very sweet of you! By the way you look absolutely stunning in your profile pic :flowerforyou: