feeling sorry for a friend

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  • This43IsNotMe
    This43IsNotMe Posts: 17 Member
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    I stayed overweight for way too long after having babies. Everytime i was feeling fat my hubby always said that he loved me the way i was and he did, he honestly did...but the problem was...i didn't. I finally told him that i needed to feel healther and happier (and for me i love my shoes and wanted to wear them more without my feet huring). I asked him for support and told him i was pretty sure less weight, more active would me a lot more activity all around...hint hint...he got right on board ;) I lost 72lbs on my own, got stuck and joined on here last week for help. It's a great support, she should just jump on and see where it takes her. But it is a choice she has to make for herself, it is 10x's harder if you don't have support at home but it still can be done. i have dinner in the crockpot right now so when my hubby suggests going out to dinner, i can say no, dinner is already cooking. And i know my hubby loved me the was i was before, but the way he puts his hands around my waist now...i know he likes that alot more as do i!
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
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    ::sigh:: I guess I should have ever posted this. i was hoping to not get smacked w/ the no excuses hatred responses. i was hoping to find some other suggestions instead of that being the only thing to say to her.


    Sometimes a spade is a spade. Just because you want it to be something else doesn't mean it's not a spade anymore.

    You can wish in one hand and poop in the other, guess which one will fill up faster.
  • WeepingAngel81
    WeepingAngel81 Posts: 2,232 Member
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    I know you don't want to hear the "it's an excuse" line, but it really is. You are also doing nothing for her by feeling sorry for her. What she needs is a support, not sympathy. If she's ready to do this, then she will need to learn to live with the junk in the house. Not saying that her husband shouldn't be supportive, but if he doesn't want/doesn't need to lose weight, he shouldn't have to give up what he enjoys. There are a million other ways to be supportive. Junk food will be in her face no matter where she goes in life. It's not in any way hateful to say that she is making excuse, and by feeling sorry for her, you're allowing the excuses to continue. Perhaps a better question would have been, how should I support my friend?
  • brraanndi
    brraanndi Posts: 325 Member
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    Since when is common sense hatred? Is her husband tying her down and forcing the cookies into her mouth? No? Then it's an excuse. It sounds like her husband may be used to hearing her talk about dieting and then not proceeding, so he's not taking it seriously. She NEEDS to show him she is serious and that can be done, even with junk in the house. It's called either not eating the cookies OR only having one or two and then eating healthy and exercising.

    Don't accuse others of being hateful because they are being blunt and are living in the real world.

    I agree. If he's sabotaging her, she needs to buck up and deal with it or get rid of the sabotager. It's going to be alot easier to ignore the cookies in my opinion.

    And why does she think she can't have cookies at all, believing you have to cut out types of foods is just a recipe for disaster.
  • kimosabe1
    kimosabe1 Posts: 2,467 Member
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    excuses excuses She is kind of lame if she eats what makes her fat.......!
  • _EndGame_
    _EndGame_ Posts: 770 Member
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    It's not your business nor your problem.

    This is between her and the husband. If she's incapable of asking him to not buy her junk food, then clearly she has more issues than just food. If he goes out and buys junk, she can say "no" and throw it away/let him eat it, whatever. Unless he physically forces her to eat it, then she does so of her own will.

    Not entirely sure what you expect a forum full of strangers to do about your friends husband, to be honest.
  • briabner
    briabner Posts: 427 Member
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    The advice of getting an MFP account is great. That way she can see how many calories are in that junk if she does eat some and then can plan the rest of her day around it. I actually kept my weight loss from my family for the first couple of months because they can be really critical and if I wanted to eat a cookie I did not want anyone telling me that I couldn't have it even though it fit into my calories for the day. My family knows now and is super supportive and not critical at all. I am definitely making it a life style change this time around!

    I would suggest to your friend not to tell her husband pointedly. If she does all the cooking and or grocery buying help her with planning healthy meals. The feminist inside of me wants to really tell your friend that its her body, not her husbands. It sounds like she is using her husband as an excuse to start loosing weight. I learned with this time around that you really have to be in the right mental place in order to loose weight. If your head is not in it, then it is almost impossible to loose weight the healthy way.
  • kowajenn
    kowajenn Posts: 274 Member
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    My son is 6'5" and 160 pounds. My husband is 6'2" and 170 pounds. Suffice to say, there's plenty of high calorie junky food in my house because I've got 2 guys who have a hard time keeping weight on.

    My weight problem is mine to own and mine to solve. There's always goodies to be found, everywhere you turn. When your friend is ready to be serious, she'll do it. Until then, tell her about MFP and ask her to let you know when she starts her new life plan. Then back off.
  • shutyourpieholeandsquat
    shutyourpieholeandsquat Posts: 1,394 Member
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    Until someone is REALLY REALLY ready to do it. They won't. I know, because I've been there too many times.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
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    Eat the cookies.
  • dandelyon
    dandelyon Posts: 620 Member
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    If he is unsupportive, then she shouldn't tell him she's trying to lose weight. She should find a weight loss support group such as this one and get her encouragement there.

    If I felt that my husband was buying calorie-heavy foods specifically to sabotage me, I would stuff it deep in the trash.

    Of course, you can lose weight and eat junk food in moderation.

    Those are all insights I would share with a friend in that situation.
  • lorihalsted
    lorihalsted Posts: 326 Member
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    My husband and son do not have a weight issue and we have tons of junk food in the house. They eat snacks accordingly and don't have issues. I BUY the groceries myself and you just have to tell yourself that some food is simply off limits because it's simply junk. I have my own junk food....frozen greek yogurt, grapes, nuts. It's all in her perspective. I haven't been forced to eat a Little Debbie snack cake ever but I buy a box of some sort just about every grocery trip. It's not that she's not ready she just has relationship issues she needs to deal with before she can continue.
  • lorihalsted
    lorihalsted Posts: 326 Member
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    My son is 6'5" and 160 pounds. My husband is 6'2" and 170 pounds. Suffice to say, there's plenty of high calorie junky food in my house because I've got 2 guys who have a hard time keeping weight on.

    My weight problem is mine to own and mine to solve. There's always goodies to be found, everywhere you turn. When your friend is ready to be serious, she'll do it. Until then, tell her about MFP and ask her to let you know when she starts her new life plan. Then back off.

    My situation EXACTLY!!!
  • DesDawn24
    DesDawn24 Posts: 147 Member
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    I think she needs to make her husband understand that it's not just an aesthetic thing, it's a health thing too! Maybe if she tried explaining it to him with that approach it would work better for her. It's unfortunate that he is that selfish to stand in the way of her goals because of what he likes better.

    Also, as many others have stated, not telling him is a good strategy. I know when I started to eat healthier and work out more I kept it from people, for a couple of reasons. One being that I didn't want those "judgey eyes" every time I pick up a cookie, and two because I wanted to do it for ME and no one else. I felt like if other people knew, then there would be a certain pressure to keep up to what they think.

    I hope your friend can find the drive and the determination that it takes to kickstart her weight loss journey, and that her husband can find it in him to be supportive!
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,763 Member
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    She needs to not tell anyone! She needs to just do what she set out to do.
  • LiminalAscendance
    LiminalAscendance Posts: 489 Member
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    ::sigh:: I guess I should have ever posted this. i was hoping to not get smacked w/ the no excuses hatred responses. i was hoping to find some other suggestions instead of that being the only thing to say to her.

    Is this actually a "friend" or yourself?

    There is no helping someone who doesn't take accountability for their overeating.

    Is your goal just to make your "friend" feel better about her weight, or to actually help her lose it?
  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
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    If her husband sabotages her efforts when she mentions it, then he obvious answer seems to not mention it to him.
  • FrauHaas2013
    FrauHaas2013 Posts: 615 Member
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    I dated a guy like this - I asked him if I lost weight, would he leave me and he said YES. Ha! Nice. Your friend needs to have a heart-to-heart with her husband and let him know how being overweight is affecting her and their relationship. He needs to realize that by sabotaging her and keeping her fat, he is endangering her health. If he really loves her, surely he would want her around as much as possible??

    May be harsh, but this is how I'm getting my husband to quit smoking....everytime I see him light up, I walk right up to him and ask, "So how much time have you stolen from me today?" Sure enough, he had never thought of it that way. I told him that with every puff, he's shortening his life, therefore shortening my time as his wife, and I don't appreciate it. It was just the smack in the forehead he needed and now he has significantly cut back on smoking, on his way to completely quitting.
  • Naener
    Naener Posts: 167 Member
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    My mother had Gastric Bipass surgery when i was in high school (13 years ago lol) she lost 100 pounds... which was AMAZING.

    My father... being the kind of man he is... told her "why are you losing all this weight.. you think youre going to get skinny and find someone better than me?"

    He said it in a half-joking way... but it hit my mother right in the heart... she has an unstable self esteem anyway, and him saying that rattled her... since then... because of that and many other circumstances, she has gained almost all that 100 pounds back.

    Your "friend" needs to have a serious talk with her husband IF she is serious about losing weight, and tell him that its not ok for him to sabatog her like that, its insecurity on his part.

    BUT i agree with everyone here that says, its also an excuse... if she really wanted to do it, she would find the will power to NOT touch the junkfood in the house. Noone is forcing cookies down her throat.. but her.
  • amandatapar
    amandatapar Posts: 246 Member
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    1. She needs to be ready to do it and stop making excuses.
    2. She doesn't have to eat what he brings home.
    3. She needs to communicate with her husband.

    I am one who cannot do moderation very well so I don't allow myself those snacks but if she can have one once in a while and still lose weight that's great. My kids and husband can have all that stuff and still stay small but I just don't think I am hard wired that way. She just needs to make up her mind because it is not realistic for all that stuff to disappear. She needs a new motivation. My motivation is buying smaller clothes and being healthier , not food anymore.

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