feeling sorry for a friend

My husband and son do not have a weight issue and we have tons of junk food in the house. They eat snacks accordingly and don't have issues. I BUY the groceries myself and you just have to tell yourself that some food is simply off limits because it's simply junk. I have my own junk food....frozen greek yogurt, grapes, nuts. It's all in her perspective. I haven't been forced to eat a Little Debbie snack cake ever but I buy a box of some sort just about every grocery trip. It's not that she's not ready she just has relationship issues she needs to deal with before she can continue.

I think she needs to make her husband understand that it's not just an aesthetic thing, it's a health thing too! Maybe if she tried explaining it to him with that approach it would work better for her. It's unfortunate that he is that selfish to stand in the way of her goals because of what he likes better.

Also, as many others have stated, not telling him is a good strategy. I know when I started to eat healthier and work out more I kept it from people, for a couple of reasons. One being that I didn't want those "judgey eyes" every time I pick up a cookie, and two because I wanted to do it for ME and no one else. I felt like if other people knew, then there would be a certain pressure to keep up to what they think.

I hope your friend can find the drive and the determination that it takes to kickstart her weight loss journey, and that her husband can find it in him to be supportive!

::sigh:: I guess I should have ever posted this. i was hoping to not get smacked w/ the no excuses hatred responses. i was hoping to find some other suggestions instead of that being the only thing to say to her.

Is this actually a "friend" or yourself?

There is no helping someone who doesn't take accountability for their overeating.

Is your goal just to make your "friend" feel better about her weight, or to actually help her lose it?

I dated a guy like this - I asked him if I lost weight, would he leave me and he said YES. Ha! Nice. Your friend needs to have a heart-to-heart with her husband and let him know how being overweight is affecting her and their relationship. He needs to realize that by sabotaging her and keeping her fat, he is endangering her health. If he really loves her, surely he would want her around as much as possible??

May be harsh, but this is how I'm getting my husband to quit smoking....everytime I see him light up, I walk right up to him and ask, "So how much time have you stolen from me today?" Sure enough, he had never thought of it that way. I told him that with every puff, he's shortening his life, therefore shortening my time as his wife, and I don't appreciate it. It was just the smack in the forehead he needed and now he has significantly cut back on smoking, on his way to completely quitting.

1. She needs to be ready to do it and stop making excuses.
2. She doesn't have to eat what he brings home.
3. She needs to communicate with her husband.

I am one who cannot do moderation very well so I don't allow myself those snacks but if she can have one once in a while and still lose weight that's great. My kids and husband can have all that stuff and still stay small but I just don't think I am hard wired that way. She just needs to make up her mind because it is not realistic for all that stuff to disappear. She needs a new motivation. My motivation is buying smaller clothes and being healthier , not food anymore.

1. She needs to be ready to do it and stop making excuses.
2. She doesn't have to eat what he brings home.
3. She needs to communicate with her husband.

I am one who cannot do moderation very well so I don't allow myself those snacks but if she can have one once in a while and still lose weight that's great. My kids and husband can have all that stuff and still stay small but I just don't think I am hard wired that way. She just needs to make up her mind because it is not realistic for all that stuff to disappear. She needs a new motivation. My motivation is buying smaller clothes and being healthier , not food anymore.

Hahaha. I love how my answer is the exact OPPOSITE of this one. MFP rules!

Honestly, you shouldn't feel sorry for her. Unfourtunately, it is an excuse. Her husband may like her the way she is, but she is obviously not happy with who she is. She may truly want to start and when the husband is intentionally sabotaging her journey...then it comes down to a "form" of abuse. (Hopefully I'm not offending you with the "abuse" word, especially since I don't know the entire situation, so I'm using the word lightly.) He's feeding the addict inside of her. She also probably doesn't have enough self-esteem to beat her addiction or her husband and his sabotaging ways. What she, or you, can do is have her set small, attainable, measureable, reliable and time oriented (SMART) goals to build her self-esteem up. When she feels like she is meeting these goals, her self-esteem will grow and will she will be able to move past her and her husband's self sabotaging ways. Until then, she is going to keep going in this horrible pattern and continue on this way of life. It is heart breaking, I have been there...I have done that. I finally got out of it. Now, I do occasionally have my slip up during the week. And because of where I am now, I'm okay with it. I admit to it. I move on. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. And getting her to understand this when her self-esteem is back on track...she can and will do wonders with her journey. Stay strong for her...she probably just doesn't know how to break the cycle.

I'm also having a hard time about not telling him or anyone about what she is doing. This is just my opinion. I tried that before. I would do an occasional work out, eat a little healthier, and mess up every single chance I got and went no where on my journey. After finding a few key people to be accountable to, I have changed quite a bit. Before, I would stop working out after a few days cause i was "too tired" and "lost the ambition." I would eat junk cause "I felt like I deserved it" then I would feel like crud for doing it...decreasing my self-assurance...causing me to stop my journey all together. Having someone or a group of friends (people on the same journey, having the same struggles, and/or having someone who has been through what she has and gotten through it) to be accountable to...can be a huge saving grace. I have my SIl, my BF, my sisters, my husband, a cousin, and a few fitenss groups I'm in on FB to be accountable to. These people...do not make me feel guilty for an occasional slip up and get excited for any goal I have managed to demolish. But before I could do any of this...I started by getting my self-esteem on a better track. It by far has not been easy sailing, but it has been a lot smoother and a lot more moving forward then there has been moving backward, stopping, stalling, and a stutter to move forward.

She needs the right kind of support. And from the sound of it...you may be the right kind of support for her.

It surprises me to read how many people are telling her NOT to tell her husband. The last time I checked, marriage was about being open and honest about everything. I guess that's why a majority of people end up divorced. Don't tell her to keep a secret from her husband. That's just wrong.

If he is unsupportive, then she shouldn't tell him she's trying to lose weight. She should find a weight loss support group such as this one and get her encouragement there.

If I felt that my husband was buying calorie-heavy foods specifically to sabotage me, I would stuff it deep in the trash.

Of course, you can lose weight and eat junk food in moderation.

Those are all insights I would share with a friend in that situation.

Yeah, this.

Honestly, I'd just quietly go about starting on my journey. You can prepare delicious meals that are keeping within your daily intake goals. He would be none the wiser.

If he was buying my favorite cookies, I'd portion control them and still enjoy. /shrug. It's all about moderation

It surprises me to read how many people are telling her NOT to tell her husband. The last time I checked, marriage was about being open and honest about everything. I guess that's why a majority of people end up divorced. Don't tell her to keep a secret from her husband. That's just wrong.

Going on a reasonable diet is not an ethically questionable act that your spouse needs to know about. In some cases it brings the other person's expectations into something that should be a simple, personal decision to be healthier. I didn't ask my husband for permission to lose weight, or announce that I was going to do it. I just did it. My extra weight wasn't his problem anyway.

It surprises me to read how many people are telling her NOT to tell her husband. The last time I checked, marriage was about being open and honest about everything. I guess that's why a majority of people end up divorced. Don't tell her to keep a secret from her husband. That's just wrong.

I tell my husband way more than he could ever possibly want to know, but I'm not sure I'd classify the personal decision to eat less food as a secret.

I had a similar issue with my other half. I had a theory that it comes from something that is drilled into some men, "always tell your wife you love her just the way she is" like its a trap she is setting "I want to lose weight" translates in their head to "do you think I look fat" and they go in to self defense mode. It sounds too me like he loves her a lot.

I simply told my husband that I needed his support, listed the reasons I needed to lose weight, promised I wouldn't become a stick figure and that I was unhappy with the way I felt and he was fine after that.

Good luck