feeling sorry for a friend

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Replies

  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    Tell her not to tell her husband. She can eat normal around him and then eat less calories the rest of the day when he's not around. What he doesn't know won't hurt him and when she gets all strong with lifting and a big ole badonk she can just say it was from workouts or whatever and he won't care AT ALL. Winter's coming anyway so she can dress baggy until she's ready for the big reveal which will be an offer he cannot refuse. :wink:
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    1. She needs to be ready to do it and stop making excuses.
    2. She doesn't have to eat what he brings home.
    3. She needs to communicate with her husband.

    I am one who cannot do moderation very well so I don't allow myself those snacks but if she can have one once in a while and still lose weight that's great. My kids and husband can have all that stuff and still stay small but I just don't think I am hard wired that way. She just needs to make up her mind because it is not realistic for all that stuff to disappear. She needs a new motivation. My motivation is buying smaller clothes and being healthier , not food anymore.

    Hahaha. I love how my answer is the exact OPPOSITE of this one. MFP rules!
  • links_slayer
    links_slayer Posts: 1,151 Member
    She should probably just divorce her husband. She'll likely find a better man once she gets in shape anyway.
  • jtdkrowe4
    jtdkrowe4 Posts: 3
    Honestly, you shouldn't feel sorry for her. Unfourtunately, it is an excuse. Her husband may like her the way she is, but she is obviously not happy with who she is. She may truly want to start and when the husband is intentionally sabotaging her journey...then it comes down to a "form" of abuse. (Hopefully I'm not offending you with the "abuse" word, especially since I don't know the entire situation, so I'm using the word lightly.) He's feeding the addict inside of her. She also probably doesn't have enough self-esteem to beat her addiction or her husband and his sabotaging ways. What she, or you, can do is have her set small, attainable, measureable, reliable and time oriented (SMART) goals to build her self-esteem up. When she feels like she is meeting these goals, her self-esteem will grow and will she will be able to move past her and her husband's self sabotaging ways. Until then, she is going to keep going in this horrible pattern and continue on this way of life. It is heart breaking, I have been there...I have done that. I finally got out of it. Now, I do occasionally have my slip up during the week. And because of where I am now, I'm okay with it. I admit to it. I move on. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. And getting her to understand this when her self-esteem is back on track...she can and will do wonders with her journey. Stay strong for her...she probably just doesn't know how to break the cycle.

    I'm also having a hard time about not telling him or anyone about what she is doing. This is just my opinion. I tried that before. I would do an occasional work out, eat a little healthier, and mess up every single chance I got and went no where on my journey. After finding a few key people to be accountable to, I have changed quite a bit. Before, I would stop working out after a few days cause i was "too tired" and "lost the ambition." I would eat junk cause "I felt like I deserved it" then I would feel like crud for doing it...decreasing my self-assurance...causing me to stop my journey all together. Having someone or a group of friends (people on the same journey, having the same struggles, and/or having someone who has been through what she has and gotten through it) to be accountable to...can be a huge saving grace. I have my SIl, my BF, my sisters, my husband, a cousin, and a few fitenss groups I'm in on FB to be accountable to. These people...do not make me feel guilty for an occasional slip up and get excited for any goal I have managed to demolish. But before I could do any of this...I started by getting my self-esteem on a better track. It by far has not been easy sailing, but it has been a lot smoother and a lot more moving forward then there has been moving backward, stopping, stalling, and a stutter to move forward.

    She needs the right kind of support. And from the sound of it...you may be the right kind of support for her.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    ::sigh:: I guess I should have ever posted this. i was hoping to not get smacked w/ the no excuses hatred responses. i was hoping to find some other suggestions instead of that being the only thing to say to her.

    Is this actually a "friend" or yourself?

    There is no helping someone who doesn't take accountability for their overeating.

    Is your goal just to make your "friend" feel better about her weight, or to actually help her lose it?

    I was wondering the same exact thing because the OP got mighty defensive super quick.
  • ToFatT0B3S1ck
    ToFatT0B3S1ck Posts: 194 Member
    It surprises me to read how many people are telling her NOT to tell her husband. The last time I checked, marriage was about being open and honest about everything. I guess that's why a majority of people end up divorced. Don't tell her to keep a secret from her husband. That's just wrong.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    It surprises me to read how many people are telling her NOT to tell her husband. The last time I checked, marriage was about being open and honest about everything. I guess that's why a majority of people end up divorced. Don't tell her to keep a secret from her husband. That's just wrong.

    Have you seen the # of relationship issues on the forums? I'd bet at least 90% of the significant others involved have no clue their problems and faults are being broadcasted on the internet and will never be told.

    The other 9.99% end up finding out by accident :laugh:
  • shell_mc
    shell_mc Posts: 109 Member
    If he is unsupportive, then she shouldn't tell him she's trying to lose weight. She should find a weight loss support group such as this one and get her encouragement there.

    If I felt that my husband was buying calorie-heavy foods specifically to sabotage me, I would stuff it deep in the trash.

    Of course, you can lose weight and eat junk food in moderation.

    Those are all insights I would share with a friend in that situation.


    Yeah, this.

    Honestly, I'd just quietly go about starting on my journey. You can prepare delicious meals that are keeping within your daily intake goals. He would be none the wiser.

    If he was buying my favorite cookies, I'd portion control them and still enjoy. /shrug. It's all about moderation
  • MelRC117
    MelRC117 Posts: 911 Member
    I don't get why you can't see she's making excuses. She's blaming her husband for her not losing weight. What about her own self control? How is she going to learn self control when she goes out to eat? Restaurants have appetizers, calorie loaded sides, big portions, dessert, alcohol...is she just not ever going to go out to eat again? He can maybe hold off on buying cookies for a little while, but at some point she is going to be tempted and want to eat the whole package of oreos or a whole bag of chips.
    Its up to her, she's an adult. You're making excuses for her.

    I have a 12 year old stepson who is pretty skinny and active. Am I just never going to buy granola bars or chips because I could polish off the whole box or bag?
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
    It surprises me to read how many people are telling her NOT to tell her husband. The last time I checked, marriage was about being open and honest about everything. I guess that's why a majority of people end up divorced. Don't tell her to keep a secret from her husband. That's just wrong.

    Going on a reasonable diet is not an ethically questionable act that your spouse needs to know about. In some cases it brings the other person's expectations into something that should be a simple, personal decision to be healthier. I didn't ask my husband for permission to lose weight, or announce that I was going to do it. I just did it. My extra weight wasn't his problem anyway.
  • LiminalAscendance
    LiminalAscendance Posts: 489 Member
    It surprises me to read how many people are telling her NOT to tell her husband. The last time I checked, marriage was about being open and honest about everything. I guess that's why a majority of people end up divorced. Don't tell her to keep a secret from her husband. That's just wrong.

    Going on a reasonable diet is not an ethically questionable act that your spouse needs to know about. In some cases it brings the other person's expectations into something that should be a simple, personal decision to be healthier. I didn't ask my husband for permission to lose weight, or announce that I was going to do it. I just did it. My extra weight wasn't his problem anyway.

    Of course it isn't. And has anyone been advocating that the "friend" seek "permission" from her spouse?

    When I decided to lose weight, I let those close to me know about it, since it was important to me, and I wanted them to be a part of the experience.

    I guess some look at it as "why tell your spouse?" whereas I look at it as "why wouldn't you?"
  • dandelyon
    dandelyon Posts: 620 Member
    It surprises me to read how many people are telling her NOT to tell her husband. The last time I checked, marriage was about being open and honest about everything. I guess that's why a majority of people end up divorced. Don't tell her to keep a secret from her husband. That's just wrong.

    I tell my husband way more than he could ever possibly want to know, but I'm not sure I'd classify the personal decision to eat less food as a secret.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
    It surprises me to read how many people are telling her NOT to tell her husband. The last time I checked, marriage was about being open and honest about everything. I guess that's why a majority of people end up divorced. Don't tell her to keep a secret from her husband. That's just wrong.

    Going on a reasonable diet is not an ethically questionable act that your spouse needs to know about. In some cases it brings the other person's expectations into something that should be a simple, personal decision to be healthier. I didn't ask my husband for permission to lose weight, or announce that I was going to do it. I just did it. My extra weight wasn't his problem anyway.

    Of course it isn't. And has anyone been advocating that the "friend" seek "permission" from her spouse?

    When I decided to lose weight, I let those close to me know about it, since it was important to me, and I wanted them to be a part of the experience.

    I guess some look at it as "why tell your spouse?" whereas I look at it as "why wouldn't you?"

    In this case, the reason not to say anything is blatantly obvious, as the friend's husband responds to her announcement that she wants to lose weight by bringing home cookies, which is pretty much the main point of this thread.
  • mrsslls
    mrsslls Posts: 41 Member
    I had a similar issue with my other half. I had a theory that it comes from something that is drilled into some men, "always tell your wife you love her just the way she is" like its a trap she is setting "I want to lose weight" translates in their head to "do you think I look fat" and they go in to self defense mode. It sounds too me like he loves her a lot.

    I simply told my husband that I needed his support, listed the reasons I needed to lose weight, promised I wouldn't become a stick figure and that I was unhappy with the way I felt and he was fine after that.

    Good luck

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