Personal benefits of being a stay at home parent.

cask16 · October 2013

I’m married lady in my late twenties and am keen to start a family BUT I’m also doing really well at work and have a husband who’s very career focused.

So, with the risk of my career becoming unsalvageable after a break, of my husband being unable to respect what I do all day (he’s very caring, he just doesn’t understand how much time and work running a home takes), and the risk of losing myself into the “mum and wife” mould, I’m keen to understand some personal benefits of staying at home with our family.

Not benefits to the children (I’ve read all the articles...) but the benefits to the person giving up all their personal goals while very often not getting the kudos they deserve for it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m hoping to stay home – it’s the way I was raised and it was the most valuable thing in the world to my upbringing - but it’d be good to see some positives come out of it for me too.

p.s. this is in NO way a dig at any stay at home (or working) moms and dads, I’m just keen to hear the views of those that have been there – thanks!

mmouse90 · October 2013

You can volunteer your skills from your job and your time with Charities you believe in.

burlingtongrl · October 2013

I have stayed home for 12 years now, since me second child was born. My husband traveled a lot when our first child was born and with me working full time and taking care of everything at home, it was very stressful. So when our second child was born, we decided I would stay home full time. It has it's positives and negatives. The negatives are usually other peoples problems with my choice. Just because I decided to stay home to raise my kids doesn't mean I am an idiot that is out of touch with the real world. I would say to enjoy staying home you have to continue to get out with other adults. Play groups, workshops, and the gym. Start or join a stroller walking club and that will lead to other outings with and without the kids. You can have book club or discussion groups during the day at home with other stay at home parents and the children can play. It will benefit you and your child a great deal. Another great thing about staying home is that you are not limited on vacation time (at least until they start school), so you can take holidays when most people can't. I spend a the entire summer and several weeks throughout the year at our cottage with the kids; I could never have done this when I was working. I have really enjoyed my time out of the workforce, but it is not for everyone.
Good luck in what ever choice you make.

cask16 · October 2013

Thanks for your thoughts!

Bit scary how few people can think of benefits....

TavistockToad · October 2013

Thanks for your thoughts!

Bit scary how few people can think of benefits....

i dont think its up to strangers on the internet to tell you why you should have kids...

i personally dont want kids, but one of my best friends is a SAHM and i sometimes envy her and her family (girl aged 3, boy aged 1), the bond with her kids is nothing like a husband/wife bond. its just magic. surely thats the benefit?

kowajenn · October 2013

I have to be honest. I stayed home for a year with my son (he's in college now, so it was a long time ago) and I went back to work because I was bored, depressed, and gained 70 pounds over the course of a year.

Everyone is different. My mom stayed home with us and it was a wonderful thing and for her it was the perfect choice. For me, I need to be out in the world doing things that are personally fulfilling. I was a better parent while working because I was happier. Other people (like my mom) are completely the opposite.

I think that if you stay home with your kids you need to make a huge effort to ensure that your only identity isn't "mom." Don't lose yourself and you will be fine.

cosmonew · October 2013

I just became a stay at home mom, after retiring from the military after 20 years. I see what you mean about benefits. For me, it was hard to adjust and I needed to do things (like get another job) to feel like I had some self worth. YES, I think that parenting is a worthy task, but so many people do that and so much more, so it just wasn't enough for me. NOW, I am a stay at home mom and I homeschool my kids... that is plenty of self worth for me and plenty of work as well. SO I guess I have adjusted. Doesn't really offer any benefits to you, but its my story.

frommetobetterme · October 2013

I think you have to wait and see how things go when you get there.

I'm not a stay at home mom. Financially, we can't afford that (I'm the main breadwinner). I had first wished I could be, but then, when I was home on mat leave for 1 year with each of my children, I thought I would go crazy. Although I did a lot of things, I didn't feel productive, I felt restless, and I got a little depressed. Going back to work was really hard. Leaving my children in someone else hands was terrifying. But at the end of the day, I think it made for a healthier me, a me that in the short time they spend with me everyday, I can give them my all and we can enjoy our time together instead of me not feeling like I want to get up in the morning. It just wasn't for me, but enough with the negative, here were the good sides.

Since you know the benefits for the kids, I'll only go into why it was good for me. I loved watching my children develop and learn new things, I loved cuddling and being their whole world and knowing that I was doing it for them. I also enjoyed the flexibility of being about to go away whenever we wanted. My family all lives far away, so it's quite a trek to visit them, so it was nice to be able to visit for longer periods at a time. I liked that I was able to do some of my hobbies that I can't seem to squeeze in when I work and to meet more adults. I work in a very male environment, a lot of which are single and unattached, so I didn't have any close work friends. Once I had babies, I was the first of my friends to have kids, so I got very disconnected from my social group and it was nice to find more like minded people in play groups and such.

Even though it wasn't for me, I have family and friends that stay at home and love it. They love taking care of their kids all day long and being able to have time to make a nice dinner and go out with the kids during the day. But then again, they're more the nesting/domestic types (I hate cleaning, don't enjoy cooking...). Some of them also worked in childcare before, so they're use to a child's pace. For some of them, it was a total change of pace and it's something they adjusted to. I just had a hard time.

So I wish you the best of luck. Just remember, whichever way you choose, it doesn't need to be a final decision. Whether you work outside the home, from home or are a stay at home mom, you can choose to make the best of it, and if things don't work out the way you'd like them to, you can work around it and change things. Children do change your life, but it doesn't mean that you can't still chose to do things you enjoy.

StacyReneO · October 2013

The first thing that stung when I read your post was that your afraid your husband would lose respect fro you. Read the article below, written by a husband, a father - a real man.
http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/

frommetobetterme · October 2013

The first thing that stung when I read your post was that your afraid your husband would lose respect fro you. Read the article below, written by a husband, a father - a real man.
http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/

I've read his stuff before, he is a pretty good writer. I don't always agree with him, but he's usually got some interesting insights.
This article I agree with 100%!

LiminalAscendance · October 2013

Did anyone mention the bon-bon's yet?

ninerbuff · October 2013

I'm a SAHD. I do all the cooking, cleaning, bills, yardwork, drop off and pick up my DD from school, homework, etc. I'm organized at it and enjoy it. All that and still have time to hit the gym as well as train a couple of clients in the morning and a couple of clients in the evening as well as classes.
What's great? I own my life. I get to choose when I work, whom I want to work with and control my free time/relax time. I'm also showing my DD compassion and love so she knows what to expect from a male when she's ready to date (if I ever let her!!!). And being able to focus on my own personal fitness goals is also keeping my attitude very very positive.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Phaedra2014 · October 2013

I’m married lady in my late twenties and am keen to start a family BUT I’m also doing really well at work and have a husband who’s very career focused.

So, with the risk of my career becoming unsalvageable after a break, of my husband being unable to respect what I do all day (he’s very caring, he just doesn’t understand how much time and work running a home takes), and the risk of losing myself into the “mum and wife” mould, I’m keen to understand some personal benefits of staying at home with our family.

Not benefits to the children (I’ve read all the articles...) but the benefits to the person giving up all their personal goals while very often not getting the kudos they deserve for it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m hoping to stay home – it’s the way I was raised and it was the most valuable thing in the world to my upbringing - but it’d be good to see some positives come out of it for me too.

p.s. this is in NO way a dig at any stay at home (or working) moms and dads, I’m just keen to hear the views of those that have been there – thanks!

IF your marriage should ever end, you will regret not having put in your hours of work. I say keep your job or work part time but don't give it up completely.

frommetobetterme · October 2013

I'm a SAHD. I do all the cooking, cleaning, bills, yardwork, drop off and pick up my DD from school, homework, etc. I'm organized at it and enjoy it. All that and still have time to hit the gym as well as train a couple of clients in the morning and a couple of clients in the evening as well as classes.
What's great? I own my life. I get to choose when I work, whom I want to work with and control my free time/relax time. I'm also showing my DD compassion and love so she knows what to expect from a male when she's ready to date (if I ever let her!!!). And being able to focus on my own personal fitness goals is also keeping my attitude very very positive.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

You still work (although part-time) so I wouldn't quite call you a SAHD as you just have unusual work hours the same way I wouldn't call a parent that works from home or a mother that works part time in the evenings a SAHM. As to me a SAHParent is someone who doesn't work for monetary compensation.

But regardless of definitions, I do not want to diminish your accomplishment. Hats off to you for staying at home for the majority of the time. I think too many men don't want to stay home because of the optics of feeling like it makes them 'less of a man' if they're not the moneymakers, especially if they do it by choice. I think that you need to do whatever works for your family.

frommetobetterme · October 2013

IF your marriage should ever end, you will regret not having put in your hours of work. I say keep your job or work part time but don't give it up completely.

IMO, you should not tell people what they will regret or not. If I was in a position where I did not have to work, I would prefer to stay at home with my children (even though it drives me batty) and have that gift of spending time with the people I love the most and then deal with the consequences if ever they came.

Also, staying at home even for mat leave may even be an issue for her....

So, with the risk of my career becoming unsalvageable after a break

It's for her to judge the pros and cons and decide if it's a risk she'll willing to take.

Alisontheice · October 2013

I've been a stay at home mom for 5 years now and LOVE it, although my job was boring and totally not challenging to me so had I not had my son it probably would have been time to plan a career.

Anyway some of the benefits...

Getting to work out during the day--having time to work out.
I figure skate so I get to do this at an awesome club and have a great social network because I am home and can participate in this.
Doing kids activities, work around the house during the week so weekends are all about doing fun stuff as a family or with the husband
Not being stressed about having a million things to do in the few hours you have free
Afternoon playdates that include wine! (best part--choose mommy friends wisely though for this one)
And as someone mentioned the bon bons.

I_Will_End_You · October 2013

I don't think you should feel pressured to give up your career and be a stay at home mother. That's unfair. You can have a job and children at the same time, if you don't want to give it up. I do both. I don't even know what I'd do with all of my time if I stayed home now that my daughter is in school!

bettanyloses · October 2013

No-one can tell you, because you won't know until after you have a child. I planned to go back to work - I was in a senior job and had always been ambitious and motivated. It just seemed trivial after he was born though. I didn't go back because I found being at home with him more fun than being at work. That was unexpected for me. It is brilliant, I can't list the benefits for you because it is just so much fun.

But some people do not feel that way - some people prefer to balance work and home and that is the best thing for them. I don't think you can tell in advance which you'll be.

thebrowns2004 · October 2013

I say "Way to go" for whichever option you choose. Pray about it and ignore the people who only have negative things to say. I didn't choose to stay at home. I, like you, was building a career and loved it. I even had my first child knowing he would go to daycare and I would return to work. After being widowed at 26 with a baby, I continued that career. A year and a half after remarrying, I got laid off. Staying at home was something I thought I would NEVER do. NEVER. My new husband supported me either way and still does. As far as the personal benefits, freedom is number one. I call all the shots. I decide when I want to work, if I want to work, and what I want to work on. That is priceless. I hate to clean but keep an ok house. I LOVE to cook so we eat dinner at the table most nights. I am no decorator, but wish I was.
The biggest rush happens when I help my 11 year old complete his "dividing decimals by decimals homework." using the NEW method for multiplication and division that is COMPLETELY foreign. And hearing my 7 year old read books on a third and 4th grade level is FREAKING AWESOME. Those accomplishments are huge for them but they are even bigger for me. My husband pitches in quite a bit, as do my folks down the street. But THIS, THIS is my job! However crazy it might be, no one can do my job, with my house and my husband and my boys like me. Not because I'm THAT great, but because I've been called to do it.

I like being the boss
My house is messier, but it's a home instead of a house
I have more girlfriend time (couponing, exercising)
We all eat better
We all get more sleep
I have more quality time with my husband
I can volunteer more
Three out of the four of us just got done with the stomach flu...yep, I was here..the whole time.

*Oh, assuming you are happily married, don't keep your job "just in case your marriage doesn't work out" keep it because you WANT to.

Alluminati · October 2013

I became a SAHM 5 years ago, not because I always wanted to be one. My kid had health issues very early in life and me and my spouse decided that one of us should stay home to take care of her. The benefit for me was being able to see all the firsts in her life, the satisfaction of making sure she had all she needed, and teaching her to be a good person. I got to experiment with lots of recipes and worked on my writing. It was actually very fun and stress free compared to the job I had pre-kid.

She grew out of her health issues and is a happy and bright kindergartner. I started back in the work force last week and I'm not going to lie, it's been hard getting this job. A lot of employers get uneasy seeing a 5 year work gap on your resume, and rightly so. I will be going back to school because my values have changed and I'm looking for a more stable career.

Your head is in the right place OP. A lot to consider when deciding to start a family. There is great satisfaction of being there for your kids when they get home from school, and when you have a kid you'll understand. But there is also great satisfaction in being able to pursue your career and go anywhere on the drop of a dime , and of course the extra moolah $$

Good luck in whatever direction you go :drinker:

eta: spelling

samammay · October 2013

I’m married lady in my late twenties and am keen to start a family BUT I’m also doing really well at work and have a husband who’s very career focused.

So, with the risk of my career becoming unsalvageable after a break, of my husband being unable to respect what I do all day (he’s very caring, he just doesn’t understand how much time and work running a home takes), and the risk of losing myself into the “mum and wife” mould, I’m keen to understand some personal benefits of staying at home with our family.

Not benefits to the children (I’ve read all the articles...) but the benefits to the person giving up all their personal goals while very often not getting the kudos they deserve for it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m hoping to stay home – it’s the way I was raised and it was the most valuable thing in the world to my upbringing - but it’d be good to see some positives come out of it for me too.

p.s. this is in NO way a dig at any stay at home (or working) moms and dads, I’m just keen to hear the views of those that have been there – thanks!

IF your marriage should ever end, you will regret not having put in your hours of work. I say keep your job or work part time but don't give it up completely.

Please point me to one person who has ever said "I regret spending more time with my kids".

quiltlovinlisa · October 2013

There's so many personal reasons, and not everything will apply to everyone. I stayed at home because we couldn't afford childcare (There's 19 months between my middle son and his twin brothers). Right now I work as a substitute so sometimes I'm home and sometimes I'm not. Now that my kids are all in school, when I'm not working I get time to take care of myself. I exercise in the morning. It's great.

MostlyWater · October 2013

I was bored staying home and frankly, a 2nd paycheck is handy. I always worked full time. I have 2 grown kids.

lynn1982 · October 2013

I think you need to do what YOU feel is right. And you may not have the answer until you have children. Not having children of my own, it's hard for me to have a valid opinion on this, but my sister always planned on going back to work after her son was born. She's a very successful lawyer and loved her job before she went on maternity leave. After the year was up, she admitted that she would rather stay home with her son. (She went back to work because they couldn't justify giving up her paycheque, but it was not her first choice.) On the other hand, a friend of mine who had always planned on staying home after her first child was born, decided after the year to go back to work part time because she missed her job as a social worker.

servilia · October 2013

I'm on a year long mat leave right now with my first baby. I plan to go back to work but in the meantime I guess I qualify to somewhat answer your question since it's a long leave. Personal benefits include being able to make my own schedule (as long as they fit with baby's naps etc), being able to get errands and shopping done during the day when it's less hectic than after work, be able to go with the baby to baby and me class, having the flexibility to start dinner cooking early, more time to get chores done around the house, using time to workout (go for a long walk with the baby or do a workout vid while she's napping), taking a nap when she's napping, and of curse, spending all this time with her and seeing her firsts.

cardbucfan · October 2013

I've been a SAHM since my oldest son was born-he's now a freshman in college. Our son was born one month before the Oklahoma City bombings and the pictures of those babies being taken out of the daycare center in that building were just devastating and I couldn't imagine putting my baby in that situation. That left a nanny and once we ran the financial numbers it was going to be stupid for me to work and have somebody else see all those "firsts". I won't lie, that first 2 months when I was on maternity leave I thought I'd go bonkers. I had no other SAHM friends and we lived in a city different from where I grew up or where our family lives so it was lonely. BUT, once I made an effort to find other moms with kids, I really enjoyed it.

Throughout the years the benefits have been being able to be very involved in their schools (chaperoning things, going to all the class parties, volunteering in the classrooms and with the parent organizations). I only missed a couple of sporting events in all that time. My house was always open to them and their friends and I KNEW their friends and the friends parents. When they weren't in school we were able to go along on my husbands business trips and vacations during school breaks.

I found hobbies for ME that I could do while they were at school and my husband was at work (working out, playing golf, volunteering) and take care of all the house stuff ( I'm called the household coo) and am now trying to decide if I want to get a part time job now that they are older. But I don't want to give up the trips with my husband or golf!

Only you can make this decision. It's not for everybody and some people can't handle the financial hit. Do do all the math though because your expenses working are different than being at home. Also have a very candid discussion with your husband about the division of labor in the house AND with the children. Good luck!

feelin_gr_8 · October 2013

First, I'll admit that I don't have kids (infertility problems), but I hope to! And I want to stay home with them. Maybe it's because I like kids and I feel so much better about myself when my house is properly tended to (home cooked meals, clean house, organization) or maybe it's from jobs I've had before. It depends on your job, but I've had my fair share where you realize you are just a number. No boss will ever appreciate me as much as my children will. No job will ever have as much impact in my life or my family's life as much as my being there for those I gave life to. And specifically, as you asked, benefits that are for you and not for the kids....I believe that it is a bit of both-if you are there to rear your children (i.e. they're not in daycare), their benefits are yours. Working in a school district I spot the daycare kids easily-they often have behavior problems...If the kids aren't acting out-you have less drama to deal with. But I also understand those that have to work outside of the home. For finances and to keep myself emotionally fulfilled, I plan to still work part time from the home (I am currently working a PT job as an online secretary) and I've made crafts and sold them online before).

In the end, it's up to you and your family. If you pray, I recommend that as well.

Nico_the_enabler · October 2013

Right.. well. I am a SAHM to our 4. Have been since #1 was born 18 yrs ago. Youngest is 9. It was a decision we made before we had children, as it was how i was raised and we are in a position financially where we can. So the benefits. It's really changed over the years depending on their ages. But its been a blast. Outside of the personal satisfaction of knowing of teaching them myself in the early years, theres been a lot. Having the space and time to learn new things. Mean I can now renovate a house pretty much without a builder. I have taught myself a million things which I then get to pass onto the children. Thats just one. There are a lot more. We have always had an open door policy so lots of times especially in the holidays we have upwards of 8 kids in the house. It really makes me feel good to be able to help my friends who work out, by having their kids so they dont have to pay a limb to have them in full time holiday programes etc. Or when someone is sick and mum/dad cant take a day off. I get to be there. Like a sarogate aunty i guess. lol. And in turn my friends and family really do make me feel appriciated. I understand its not for everyone. But its not a thankless task. Over all I wouldnt swap it for the world.
To be honest. I am looking at retraining and going back to work in the next 3 or 4 years and .. frankly that scares the daylights out of me. I am used to being my own boss. Being on my own time schedule.
Good luck what ever you decide to do.

ninerbuff · October 2013

I'm a SAHD. I do all the cooking, cleaning, bills, yardwork, drop off and pick up my DD from school, homework, etc. I'm organized at it and enjoy it. All that and still have time to hit the gym as well as train a couple of clients in the morning and a couple of clients in the evening as well as classes.
What's great? I own my life. I get to choose when I work, whom I want to work with and control my free time/relax time. I'm also showing my DD compassion and love so she knows what to expect from a male when she's ready to date (if I ever let her!!!). And being able to focus on my own personal fitness goals is also keeping my attitude very very positive.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

You still work (although part-time) so I wouldn't quite call you a SAHD as you just have unusual work hours the same way I wouldn't call a parent that works from home or a mother that works part time in the evenings a SAHM. As to me a SAHParent is someone who doesn't work for monetary compensation.

But regardless of definitions, I do not want to diminish your accomplishment. Hats off to you for staying at home for the majority of the time. I think too many men don't want to stay home because of the optics of feeling like it makes them 'less of a man' if they're not the moneymakers, especially if they do it by choice. I think that you need to do whatever works for your family.

I don't have to work though. We could definitlely live just off my DW's income. I choose not to stay at home all the time because the current job I do is one I love and is directly helping people who direly need it most of the time. I don't do it for the money (although I do make decent pay doing it). I train people while my DD's in school, and later again once my DW is home. So essentially am I a SAHD only part time? Maybe in the eyes of some, but I don't think one just has to stay in the home to define the job. I mean parents that are stay at homes go out and shop, have lunches with friends, spend money, do errands, etc. I do the same too.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

MinMin97 · October 2013

I’m married lady in my late twenties and am keen to start a family BUT I’m also doing really well at work and have a husband who’s very career focused.

So, with the risk of my career becoming unsalvageable after a break, of my husband being unable to respect what I do all day (he’s very caring, he just doesn’t understand how much time and work running a home takes), and the risk of losing myself into the “mum and wife” mould, I’m keen to understand some personal benefits of staying at home with our family.

Not benefits to the children (I’ve read all the articles...) but the benefits to the person giving up all their personal goals while very often not getting the kudos they deserve for it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m hoping to stay home – it’s the way I was raised and it was the most valuable thing in the world to my upbringing - but it’d be good to see some positives come out of it for me too.

p.s. this is in NO way a dig at any stay at home (or working) moms and dads, I’m just keen to hear the views of those that have been there – thanks!

Wow, that is so amazing how you are thinking this all out in advance. That is great!! I just plunged right in!

Guess I would say that whatever challenges you had in your career will pale in comparison to the challenges of raising a family. I am continually amazed at how super-hero people will go to their knees. I thought it was just me.
Another point I would make is that all my decisions are sort-of through my husband....just a chain of command, as it were.
I am the weakest link in the chain....I am the most vulnerable....so I am sort-of in control, ironically.
The idea that I'm not appreciated had not occurred to me, because I LOVE my family so much (the one I came from) and know just how important they were.
The idea of losing myself to a mold had not occurred to me, because I think a wife and mother is the most glamorous privileged person ever....I have my own version of glamour and privilege which I try to cultivate in my own life....it's my world, it's my life, and I'm dressing up for it! I always take care of myself. It's really important! And I get to be the most feminine and alluring woman in the world toward my husband, which he does not mind at all.

cask16 · October 2013

Thanks all, this post has been really invaluable! Don't get me wrong, I'm not likely to base this decision on anyone's advice, I instinctively feel I'd rather stay home awhile and see if I want to go back to work, rather than do it the other way round, BUT having the honest options of such a wide group of people has been really helpful.
Thanks a million!

Personal benefits of being a stay at home parent.

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